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  1. #1
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    My boyfriend broke up with me but wants to stay friends

    So my boyfriend broke up with me after 3 years of being together. This is the second time but this time it was for real. The first time I freaked out and after about 2 days he decided to give it another try. After about 6 months he gave up and told me that he was no longer in love with me. He has been acting cold at times towards me and during those two years living together he started to care less and less about saving our relationship. Our relationship started off as very romantic and passionate though.

    We haven't been happy for a while. I've been crying a lot, sleeping during the day and just being very hermity and staying in a lot. I came to another country to live with him and so couldn't find work for 1.5 years. I had some work I did on the side but it was not nearly enough. I've used up all my savings and credit to help keep us afloat. I had go to school to learn the language and find new friends as my mom (the only family) and my best friend lived overseas. So I guess I was rather depressed. Not to mention in the country it is mostly gray and so not a lot of sunshine.

    He's been very stressed ever since I've known him. Both of us met on the internet and pretty much close to our own breakups. Mine was a lot less stressful than his I guess. He also has a child from a previous marriage. While living together with me for a while he still argued with his ex over their relationship. His job was stressful in many ways as he had to work with people and a lot of the time not very nice ones. His hours were irregular and sometimes he would end up working night and so wouldn't get good sleep. Also we had arguments over almost nothing at times and that would lead to long winded discussions well into the night when he had to wake up at 5 in the morning. And of course half the time he had to look after his kid. I helped him out in this but sometimes I avoided it because I wanted time for myself (even though paradoxically I had plenty of it but it never seemed enough). He was mostly responsible for finding apartments to live in as it is quite hard for people to find permanent places to live in here so we moved about 3 times since I moved here to be with him. He was responsible for the bills as well since he was the one working and knew the language and could log into his bank (as that was how he paid for everything). Before he started working he spent about 3 years failing his paper for Bachelors degree because of procrastination and other stresses in life.

    I think he grew resentful of me as he was often angry at me because he felt like I didn't help enough with looking for work and that he had to be there for me because of my depression. While when he would get upset he wouldn't ask for help and sometimes act passive aggressively towards me. Since we didn't have a lot of money we didn't go out often and our activities mostly included movie night and sex. I had trouble going out as I felt lost and I guess intimidated by going out and socializing in a foreign country where people are generally rather aloof. People that I made friends with were also mostly busy. Whenever I wanted to go out to do something he would not feel up to it as he felt too tired and lazy to put in the effort although at times we managed.

    After the break up I left to stay with some friends as it is quite heart rendering to stay in the same place as the person who says they are no longer in love with you. He still said that he loved me and that he saw me as a friend but not as a partner in a relationship. He told me he wanted to just be alone and take a break from relationships for a year or two. I asked if he would ever feel in love with me again and he said that probably not. When I asked how he can be so certain he said it might happen in a year or two or in ten. We were in the middle of a move at the time. One day we met up to clean and then ended up sleeping with each other although we both knew it was a bad idea. He felt worse about it than me though. Afterwards we also had to spend a week together on a vacation which couldn't be cancelled because other people have made arrangements to come and visit us. We ended up sleeping together again a few times. Both of us initiated this contact. He made sure to tell me that his feelings haven't changed but often would sit and tell me how I'm a wonderful person, smart, beautiful and how I'm going to find someone great and that he'll be jealous. He made me promise to let him know when I moved on in a serious relationship because he didn't want to run into me on the street and get a surprise one day. At one point he even suggested that we might end up cheating on our future spouses if we ever met up. He also wanted to go to a similar friend meet up in a year and another one in two with me.

    In the early stages of the break up he found out that I was feeling better and happier. I think maybe via facebook or just heard me sounding happy over the phone. He got rather upset at me for that going as far as to suggest that I met someone. This was not the case in the least. I simply felt good that day. In fact he was quite upset about the fact that he ended up living in the new apartment with a very high rent (half of which I was going to pay). I told him that I wanted to break contact for a very long time as it will take time for me to heal (even though I'm still in love with him) since we both wanted to stay friends. He started crying and telling me that he never wanted to hurt me and how he really wanted to have me as a friend.

    After the trip with the friends (during which he wanted out a couple of times because he felt bad as opposed to me and because of some financial situation as well, I asked that he not abandon his friends and leave it only up to me to entertain them) we kept in contact for about a week. One time we met up got drunk and slept together again. Next day he felt bad about it and suggested that we break contact for a while. I agreed in this as it was getting hard to see him without feeling desperate and hopeful. The same day he called me on the phone and asked how I was doing and we ended up having phone sex. After which he said that we really really should stop doing that and asked for a break for two weeks. So I said sure and started act and talk more distant which upset him. He said that it hurt to hear me talk to him this way but that he understood. Since then we haven't seen each other but kept in contact via email due to some practical issues (he had most of my stuff at the new apartment).

    After a week he wrote back to me suggesting that a week was not enough and that a month should give us more distance. I've been reading about breakups, love, relationships etc to try to understand what went wrong. For me it was not so clear as to what exactly went wrong in the relationship between us and why he lost his love for me. I'm still not clear. I thought it was just the every day stuff that got to us which is not what he thought but he didn't have an answer for me. He felt it just happened over time and it was due to many little things accumulating. Anyway I tried my hardest to put the distance between us but not a day goes by that I don't think of him and oftne have to try hard to keep back the tears (I think it's been like 1.5 months now). On some days I feel like I can move on and everything is fine but then I hear a song, see a little thing of his or something that he gave me and it's hard to not feel sad. Sometimes I feel wistful about our relationship and the hopes and dreams we had that never came true. I've been trying to keep busy, eat healthy, started running and dressing better.

    I don't really know what to do at this point. I want to be friends and I want to be more than friends. I feel good sometimes and at others awful. I don't think I'm ready to see him after this month is up but I want to see him so bad because I miss him so much.

  2. #2
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    First of all, you both made mistakes in consistently breaking the no-contact and sleeping with each other when it was clear there was to be no relationship, but you still had feelings for him. Secondly, I really don't understand why you're putting time limits on it - no contact is there for a reason. It's to help you BOTH move forward in your life and start healing after the break up. That's not something you put a time limit on, as everyone heals and handles pain their own way. It may take you a few months to be strong enough to handle talking to him - it might take years. Do not have contact until you feel you are either ready to get back together [on both parts, not just yours] or you know you've moved on enough to become friends once again.

    You can try analysing and over-thinking what went wrong, but does that matter right now? It may help you grow and realise what you can do to be a better partner in any future relationships, but right now healing should be your priority. Keep yourself busy and start bettering yourself as a person in every way you can, and only talk to him when you're ready. When you can hold a conversation without feeling sad or wanting him back. When you know you're over him and hearing him move on without you, and possibly dating other people, won't break you down. Don't contact him before that, and if he gets in touch with you, ignore it. You might even find after a while that you've grown so much you don't even want to have him in your life.

    If you stick with that it will absolutely get easier with time.

  3. #3
    Member feenyx's Avatar
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    There's a lot of negative feelings going on here...hopefully you'll stick to NC and realize that you're fine without him. Best of luck!

  4. #4
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    I can only speak from experience as a man who has broke up with someone multiple times only to fall into that trap of being broken up and staying friends relatively soon after I broke up with her - it didnt work for us. We also slept together a few times, had awkward talks about what was happening, etc. It was only after she went NC for a few months that I had time to truly reflect, do some soul-searching and realize we should be together. So my advice, let him be, spend this time healing and doing things that make you happy, and that might just have him realize how much you mean to him - or you may realize that he wasn't the right one. Best of luck.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lithp View Post
    First of all, you both made mistakes in consistently breaking the no-contact and sleeping with each other when it was clear there was to be no relationship, but you still had feelings for him. Secondly, I really don't understand why you're putting time limits on it - no contact is there for a reason. It's to help you BOTH move forward in your life and start healing after the break up. That's not something you put a time limit on, as everyone heals and handles pain their own way. It may take you a few months to be strong enough to handle talking to him - it might take years. Do not have contact until you feel you are either ready to get back together [on both parts, not just yours] or you know you've moved on enough to become friends once again.

    You can try analysing and over-thinking what went wrong, but does that matter right now? It may help you grow and realise what you can do to be a better partner in any future relationships, but right now healing should be your priority. Keep yourself busy and start bettering yourself as a person in every way you can, and only talk to him when you're ready. When you can hold a conversation without feeling sad or wanting him back. When you know you're over him and hearing him move on without you, and possibly dating other people, won't break you down. Don't contact him before that, and if he gets in touch with you, ignore it. You might even find after a while that you've grown so much you don't even want to have him in your life.

    If you stick with that it will absolutely get easier with time.
    Yeah I didn't put any time limits on this. It was him really. I told him I wanted to be apart from him for a long time not just a month. He proposed the limit and I told him that it was probably not enough. I think the limit is because he wants to remain in contact and be friends. Indeed I do feel like it will take a long time for me to heal. I'm doing my best to move on and heal. Like I said some days are harder than others. If he contacts me I feel it would be rude to just ignore it though. Why should I ignore it? I think saying I'm not ready to see him would be a better thing to say don't you?

    Thanks for you advice and responses

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BrokenNYC View Post
    IIt was only after she went NC for a few months that I had time to truly reflect, do some soul-searching and realize we should be together. So my advice, let him be, spend this time healing and doing things that make you happy, and that might just have him realize how much you mean to him - or you may realize that he wasn't the right one. Best of luck.
    Totally agree with this. Give him space and work on your depression/getting a job.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ms Darcy View Post
    Totally agree with this. Give him space and work on your depression/getting a job.
    Well ironically I got a job about 2 months before he broke up with me :S and things were finally looking up for us financially. I'm currently working and it might be that I will get a permanent position. We also found an apartment to live in so that stress was also gone.

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    I think the relationship really ended when he broke up with you the first time.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ms Darcy View Post
    I think the relationship really ended when he broke up with you the first time.
    You're probably right. I never felt secure after that. He tried to assure me that it was not so and that he really loved me. I didn't trust it though... although after a while I forgot about it. He told me that he didn't really know until that evening although he also said that he thought about it for a long time and that it wasn't a hasty decision.

    I felt super insecure about him and his ex though. Although they fought and I wished for them to be on friendlier terms when they became friends I wasn't so happy about it. He told me he still loved her but was not in love with her. He told me that she was his best friend then he would tell me that I'm his best friend. He told me that if they didn't have a kid together he would never have stayed friends with her but they talked almost every day on the phone... although it was mostly about the kid he also talked about his day etc. and she always talked about her crappy relationship that she started with his best friend (which he confessed upset him because both her and his best friend didn't tell him about it for about 6 months). I would get resentful because he didn't talk so much about his day to me and not much caring left for me after he spread it over everyone else at work and his ex. In fact some days she would find things out before me about his day or even plans for parties :S which upset me.

  10. #10
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    BTW I can't believe people read that novel I wrote. Thanks!

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