More and more I just feel like I'm not meant to have lots of friends and family close to me. It's really a lonely feeling when you feel like no one is really there for you,understands you or cares about you. I've felt this for a long time. I'm tired of trying to connect with people and I get dead ends on all aspects, whether it's my horrible relationship with my parents,friends or just dating. I've tried to go out and meet new people but something always seems to fall apart with these relationships. I just haven't been able to find someone I connect with or find people who are genuine without some kind of agenda in being my friend. Sometimes I can go weeks without socializing with anyone, not one phone call from so called friends or family either and my phone barely rings, sometimes I feel like there's no point to having a cell phone if no one ever bothers to call and I always feel the need to break the barrier and call people.
Just recently a friend of mines died a couple months ago and for some reason it made me look into my own life. He was so loved and he had so many friends and family and even though I'm sad he's gone, I feel somewhat envious of him and I know that's sad. I feel like if I were to die, I would never get the love and appreciation he got and I just feel like my life is unimportant. I really think if I died, my funeral would be empty except with a few family like maybe 5 or 6 people attending.
I feel lost a lot of the time and most of my time is spent working, going out and doing things by myself.. Going to the movies by myself,going to the gym by myself,walking by myself, I've even started going to bars and clubs by myself and even though I dance,drink and have a good time I still leave these places alone without interactions with anyone. I feel so alienated when I see groups of friends and people laughing and having a good time and I'm always by myself. I have yet to find my close knit circle of friends and the feelings of anxiety is constantly haunting me and I feel like this emptiness and loneliness eats at me more and more as time passes.