dumpers guilt, how it backfires

Background: BF and I were together for 4.5 years. We were engaged and lived together for 3 years. During that time, we broke up numerous times. Usually I would break up with him for one of two reasons: (1) he wasn't giving me enough space and would complain about something small nonstop (always a symptom of not getting sex often enough) and (2) he would put his profile up on link removed. The first time I found an online profile was just a month or so after we moved in together. After that, I'd check his email when I thought something was 'up.' Well, anyway I moved out and moved on late last year. A few months ago he came back begging and apologizing and talking about how sorry he was.

A couple of months ago, after a few months of his begging and pleading and promising he had changed, had all of these revelations, apologized, etc., I took him back. I *loved* him - he was my 'best friend'. And even though I wasn't 'in love' with him, I hoped that the feelings would come back. I told him this and even told him I didn't think it was a good time to get back together. He asked me to give it a month. It's so strange. I truly did want to be with him for the rest of my life, but at the same time he wanted so much more physically and emotionally. I didn't want him to touch me much - it almost felt like incest. But I hoped that, over time, my feelings would just come back. So I stuck to it for a couple of months. The entire time he was bringing it up (the lack of physical intimacy) just about every day. And when I told him I felt it was unfair to him to stay together and I told him I wanted him to find someone who made him happy rather than sad, he insisted that he was ok with not having sex as long as he knew everything was "ok." The problem is sex is the only thing that makes him feel like things are ok. If he isn't having sex often enough, he always came up with something - anything (right down to a gesture) - to complain about it and he would ride it for days, sometimes months; he had this collection of things he had gathered over the years which he would bring up whenever he wasn't happy. Anyway, seeing him mope around, I felt extremely guilty. It was like he had no desires of his own. His only desire was to make me want him. I'd ask him what he wanted to do and he just wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. He would tag along in anything I was doing - and pout the majority of the time because he was worried about our relationship. I told him over those few months that I didn't think my attraction was going to come back until he started taking care of himself again and learned to stand on his own two feet. I just felt pressured and smothered by his reliance on me. He said he didn't know what I meant.

And so, after hours of discussions in which I had explained and explained and explained (and this was quite draining), I finally broke up with him last weekend. I didn't want to, but I couldn't take it any more. I did love him, but I was also depriving him - and myself - of having a fulfilling intimate relationship. It was a dam*ed if you do, dam*ed if you don't situation. He and my sister are the two people in the world I least want to hurt. But, being with him was hurting him and not being with him was hurting him. But at least the latter would go away with time... so I did it.

And over the last week I have cried and cried and felt horrible for hurting him. Not wanting to rub it in his face, I even did not update my facebook status. Like... how many ways do you have to break up with someone these days? Anyway, what I'm saying is that all I have done is feel sorry for the poor dude and his broken heart.

Yesterday we talked and he asked to meet and talk. No pressure, he said. I agreed, as I had said when I broke up that I hoped we could stay friends and I wanted him in my life forever. So off I went. He said he had missed me and we chat for a few minutes. He then tells me that he called this girl he had gone out on one date with (and kissed) before we got back together. When we got back together, he called and told her he was going to give things another shot. She cried for hours. She contacted him for a few weeks. All of this over one date. He said he really dodged a bullet there - her desperation was so 'unappealing.' Well, anyway, so yesterday he drops the bomb. Guess who he called right after I broke up with him? Big shocker... he apparently went out with her 3 times and had sex. All of this within a week of breaking up. All the while claiming he wanted us to get back together. I guess I did, too. I had hoped that, over time, he would learn to take care of himself and, with a good break, we would eventually get back together as two separate, solid people. Aaaaah. It was such a punch in the stomach. I told him I had to go, as I was having an anxiety attack. I was laughing and crying at the same time. Laughing because I'd felt so, so phenomenally guilty and had tried to be so careful not to do anything that would hurt him during this "grieving" period. And devastated at the same time because, in that moment, I was so repulsed by this guy for whose feelings I had previously had so much respect. And he threw himself at the first open vagina he could find.

Anyway, I left. And he followed me out telling me it was such a mistake and he's so sorry and begging me to stay and talk it through. But you could tell he got this bit of pleasure from telling me and from knowing it upset me. I left and he kept calling and texting. I told him I was fine and that it would take some time and someday we can be friends, but not now. I told him I was happy for him and I wanted him to have someone who adores him. He said he finally understood what I meant - she was acting the way he had acted and it wasn't very attractive. Uh - lightbulb? She acted that way after he went out on one short dinner date with him. And he'd be surprised she'd act that way after sex??? Anyway, he had this bit of schadenfreude in telling me - I could tell. I think he thinks that if I care about that, it means he still has a chance. But that's not what it means. Actually, I feel he did me a tremendous favor. He set me free. I don't have to second guess my decision any more. I asked him to please stop contacting me.

He sent me this email an hour later:

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I feel very bad. I thought about saying nothing or not telling you but to be honest I feel like that would be the same as a lie. I love you and only you. I know you know that. I see you were right I was trying so hard to make you love me. I stopped loveing myself. On the way back from the pool hall I just could not see the point in life its self. Please think about us I believe in my heart I will always love you and could never see you with anyone else so I understand why you were up set even as friends. That was my big fear. That you were going to tell me you were dating again. Im such a fool. Please talk to me Im dieing inside. I did not think you cared for me. Please dont remove me from facebook and other parts of your life. I know thats sounds small but it means the world to me. Thats why I could not look.

Love [ex]

Plz contact me im hurting and im sorry

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And then more texts and calls (ignored) and a stupid poke on facebook.

* * * ? How am I supposed to react? I don't think he did anything "wrong" per se, but this spinelessness - this desperation for attention which led to his countless profiles on dating sites while we were together, his jumping in bed with someone he didn't even really like - he exploited this girl - indeed I do know he's not interested in her... all of this disgusts me. While all the while I was feeling so sorry for him.

He thinks - he even said this yesterday as I was leaving - it doesn't matter. Because he loooooves *me* and it was a mistake. Yet you know what? I know he will continue to see her out of desperation. After blubbering about what a mistake it is, he'll continue to see her because he can't be alone.

I know it will seem that I got what I deserved, as I broke up with him. My point is that I was very concerned about his feelings and would not have done that because I still felt connected to him. At the same time, he really did do me a favor. My guilt has been replaced with certainty and I can move on and actually become available to another relationship in the future.

As Maya Angelou said, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Do you all think I should send this response to his email?

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Don't feel bad on my behalf. You did me a favor. You set me free. I feel much better about the break up and now have no need for second guessing it. All week (for months, actually) I'd been going around feeling guilty about not being with you in the way you wanted me to be. Should I? Shouldn't I? "Maybe if I let him go, he'll find someone who loves him in the way he wants to be loved." In hindsight, it's so funny that I'd been torturing myself with this idea that you were moping around feeling sorry for yourself. I'm happy that you're not and I'm happy that I can let go of the guilt. I am happy for you. I wish you the best. There is no need to feel guilty about "upsetting" me because my reaction was founded on disgust and disappointment. It disgusts me that you would throw yourself at the first desperate vagina you could think of, but I think that's a great illustration of how right my intuition has been and why I am no longer attracted to you. It really all makes sense. I was very disappointed and lost a lot of respect for you, but I think this is exactly what I needed to move on without question. So, again, do not feel guilty on my behalf. It's the best thing you could have done for me.

That's truly all I have to say about it. There is no need to discuss it. I understand that you have mixed feelings, but I do not care how you feel and do not want to hear about it. That's the liberating thing about it. Your feelings are yours to deal with. My feelings are mine. I realize that you have a hard time respecting my boundaries, but if you want to do what's best for me, stay out of my life. Should have done this a long time ago.

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Maybe just the last paragraph? Or maybe only if he keeps calling? I can send this and then block his number if he keeps at it. I hate to block his number because I actually do have some stuff still in his garage. And if anything happened to his parents, etc., I'd want to know. But there's always email.

I think it is a perfect email for you to send to him. You gave it your best shot with him, giving it multiple chances to work. It was really dumb of him to tell you about the other girl in what looks like an attempt to make you jealous, and I completely understand the "opposite" reaction you had. My vote is to send the email, cut contact, and let him sleep in the bed he made for himself.

That's going to burn when he reads it! hopefully he'll wise up for the next relationship though...although that's not your concern.

I have never gone through this but I've definitely learned something from reading this thread! Even as a dumper, it's generally good to put oneself first. I'll keep that in mind.

Thanks for the support, FG and meoww. And true dat, meoww - "Even as a dumper, it's generally good to put oneself first." That was my realization, too.

Amazing that it really does hurt. I knew I'd have to deal with it eventually if we were going to be friends. I just thought it would be months and the context would be different. I did not expect a grudge tap. Aah, it is best that it happened quickly, though, because as much and as remarkably as it hurts now, I'll be able to move on faster. That guilt was a soul drainer!

I have a different perspective of things, You breaked up with him, he loved you and his live was centered on you. Obviously you thought your decition well, you didnt really needed validation isnt it?

If your ex was lonely and broken hearthed and went on a rebound relationship it doesnt make him spineless, it makes him only human. Being the dumper puts you in in advantage. You know that if you decide your ex was and is probably going back to you, then its your choice. But your ex, he feels rejected, with less value, is really a fault that someone hurt dates someone else that shows love for him?.

I think love acepts the other as he is, doesnt want to change him.

Please dont get me wrong, its just that i can relate to him, I know going out with someone else so soon isnt mature, but he seems in love with you, and people in love make crazy decitions don't they?

I don't think either of you has treated the other well and I see no reason for you to continue in that mode by sending an e-mail that you know will hurt him. To me it looks more like pay-back than anything genuine.

I agree with DN. Once its truly over its over... there's no need for any additional contact/emails especially if they are hurtful. Be the bigger person and let it go, just like you've let the relationship go. Yeah it may have been "disgusting" that he moved on and did whatever but that's how he chose to move on, however you choose to move on is your methodology.

You were very patient with him lapse, and your email simply states how your heart feels about his actions. I would see this differently if your story told that you two have a history of playing games with each other, but I don't see it, and in fact you have been very concerned about not hurting him. His action of having sex and telling you about it was an attempt to manipulate (game) you, and it didn't work. After this "closure" however, you should be done with each other for good.

There is no need to feel guilty about "upsetting" me because my reaction was founded on disgust and disappointment. It disgusts me that you would throw yourself at the first desperate vagina you could think of, but I think that's a great illustration of how right my intuition has been and why I am no longer attracted to you. It really all makes sense. I was very disappointed and lost a lot of respect for you, but I think this is exactly what I needed to move on without question. So, again, do not feel guilty on my behalf. It's the best thing you could have done for me.

You were very patient with him lapse, and your email simply states how your heart feels about his actions. I would see this differently if your story told that you two have a history of playing games with each other, but I don't see it, and in fact you have been very concerned about not hurting him. His action of having sex and telling you about it was an attempt to manipulate (game) you, and it didn't work. After this "closure" however, you should be done with each other for good.

Thank you for your kindness and support, FG. I really actually do need it, as much as I believe in the break up and in my feelings. That's my biggest issue with him telling me - he told me to hurt me. And it did hurt. But I think he thought I'd realize what it was like to lose him and suddenly I'd want him back.

DN and jjcool: I can see what you are saying there - that my feelings do not necessarily need to be shared and the cycle of pain could stop without that email. But the guy has begged for a response. A facebook message, numerous calls and texts saying mostly "Please say something". Well, that's what I have to say. But yes, as of that email, I'm cutting contact. I've said it. I've asked for it. etc. And I honestly do not care how he feels at this point. It took a lot to get here and I've never turned my back on him. But I'm there now. Do not care how he feels... I just want to get on with my life and let go. If he ever has an in, he'll take it. So better harsh than sorry, I think.

And Aloneagain, that's very compassionate of you and I appreciate what you're saying. He definitely did it out of pain and desperation. He's looking out for himself and, like I said, that's a relief. I don't think he did anything "wrong". He just did something hurtful. And not just to me, but to this other woman... who is clearly vulnerable. The girl was crushed after a 45 minute dinner date because he wasn't going to see her again. Ugh. I'm getting angry again. I should stop with, "That was compassionate of you."

If you really didn't care how he feels you would not send such a message that is clearly meant to wound as much as possible. And I really don't think you can be very compassionate about this girl after the way you described her. Sorry, but I don't think you are taking the high ground here but are lashing out in anger. It is not a pleasant thing to see.

Well DN, I appreciate your feedback. You are correct that I am angry. And, actually, I do feel very sorry for the girl. But, as he said, "it's going great for her" and he's "not feeling it". Don't mistake my disgust for their mutual exploitation as hatred for her. It is disgust. Purely. Perhaps their union will bear fruit... a big withered ugli fruit borne of their mutual desperation. I have always thought he needed someone more like that... who also saw a relationship as an accessory to their happiness... a way to become "complete".

If he is going to nag me for a response, I'll give him one. And I agree that what I do says more about me than it does about anyone else. And I can live with that. I don't lie and I don't care to cushion my reaction. It hurts. And I finally do not feel guilty about what I feel. And that's fabulous, to be honest. There is a lot of value in what you are saying, but to be honest, it's just not where I am at this point. Nope. No longer feeling the need to be kind and considerate. I wasted an amazing amount of energy and time doing just that. Worrying more about his feelings than mine. And that's my fault. Absolutely. And I'm ok with that.

Well, I guess it's your conscience and you have to live with it. If it doesn't bother you, or even gives you some sort of pleasure, to behave in this manner then nothing anyone can say will dissuade you.

Gosh, I was angry. I got meaner and meaner as the evening wore on, actually. Oh, the spites flew!

This is an excellent illustration of why it is also important, emotionally, for the dumper to maintain NC, as well! I think I thought I'd just skate away unscathed with just the warmest memories of my platonic love for him. I had no idea he could hurt me *again* on this level. I mean. HOW MANY TIMES can you be disappointed by the same person before you give up expecting anything from them? I honestly think that there were obviously more lessons for me to learn on this one... about expectations, about acceptance, about my own boundaries. So let's let this be the last time I get to learn these... at least from him.

I honestly... I just cannot wait to move on. I cannot wait until all of this is way beyond the septic system and I'm over him... again. And this time with no pity party returns because I think I'm "safe".

Shoo. Thanks again for the feedback and support. I'd like to take this moment to raise my bottle of coke zero and toast to all of you here and to the Future. Let's head into it with the enthusiasm of an... insatiable tiger.

Ha, Lapse! I was just about to go buy a coke zero.

Well, not sure if you sent that email or not (sounds like you did), but, for what it's worth, he deserved it. I am baffled by that one comment that says you both did something wrong here - I mean, obviously, no one is 100% right in a relationship, but in terms of him deciding to tell you he'd slept with someone else within a week of you breaking up - that was ALL him. And, yeah, rebound things are totally natural - but telling your ex about them is NOT natural. I slept with someone the week after I broke up with my last long-term bf (guy wasn't into me and knew it was a one time thing so no exploitation there), but I sure as hell didn't then call up the ex and say, "Oh, guess what I just did???" That's just messed up. He was purposely trying to hurt you so why the heck should you then have to sit around worried about his feelings. To be the bigger person? God, that gets old sometimes, especially when you have to do it again and again. Anger is a great emotion sometimes, and, in this situation, I think it would have eaten away at you had you not given him a piece of your mind.

Although, I will say one little thing. You could have kept the guise of being the bigger person while simultaneously wounding him even deeper by saying something like, "Trust me, you do NOT want to know what I'm thinking right now. I could say things to you that you would never forget, but, quite frankly, you're no longer worth even getting angry over. Consider my silence a gift." Oooohhhh, I love being scathing sometimes.

At any rate, if you ever have second thoughts about it, you can always go back and apologize and say that you were just angry. And if you don't ever have second thoughts about it, you'll be glad you gave it as good as you got.

There's the problem right there, no one ever feels better drinking that cr@p. Always the real thing.