Why would an Ex Friend Request you on Facebook?

I dated this guy many years ago (almost 18 to be exact). I was head over heels in love with him. The attraction was electrifying. This may sound weird, but I use to 'feel' him before he would call me. Often times, he would disapear for weeks, if not months, and then reappear and find me. Our friends would tease us because they could see our attraction for themselves. Anyway, one day he asks me if I am in love with him, but before I could answer he told me that he was not in love with me and we were just having fun. I was heartbroken, and decided that I would move on and not waste anymore time with him. I eventually met a man that I would marry. A few weeks after our engagement, This guy, calls up out of the blue and says he is sorry and cant stop thinking of me, could we start over, maybe go to a movie, take it slow, ect. I couldnt wait to tell him I was engaged! Yet, as I was saying it, I wanted so bad for him to try and talk me out of gettng married. I said we could still be friends, he said we couldnt, it would never work with our feelings like they were.

I can't say that I never thought about him all these years later. I dream of him often and sometimes get mad at myself for still caring for him. Facebook comes along. I find out that he is married with children (I too, am married with children) One day, out of the blue, he Friend Requests me. I freaked out! I accepted it, and sent him a quick note. He wrote back and told me about his family, ect and said he would talk with me soon. He hasnt. And that's okay. But I cant help but wonder why would he contact me? Are men really that oblivious and forgetful of earlier 'endings'? Or is it possible he has feelings still? Strangely, I am thrilled that he is within cyber reach. It also flatters me a bit that he even remembered my name. Now, and I dont know if this is a co-incidence, but I sometimes can 'feel' him like he is thinking of me. (had those feelings over the years, not all the time, but very familiar) Help?

PS ~ Yes, I am still married and would never hurt my husband, but to tell me to just forget him is nearly impossible to do.

Honestly, I feel really bad for your husband. For sure, this other man still has a large part of your heart. It would crush me if I was married to you and learned that about my wife. Whether impossible or not, if you value your husband and marriage, you need to NOT contact or respond to his contact at all. I would also recommend you delete his FB friendship. You are heading down a dangerous path whether you realize it or not. Be forewarned.

He was probably just curious to see how you are doing and what's new about your life, but it doesn't mean he still has feelings or that he is looking start something with you again (even if he did I hope you would have enough respect and love for your husband not to do anything). I wouldn't overanalyze it or think too much about it for now

I wouldnt look much into it. If anything, a part of him might have some guilt left over and he contacted you to help relieve it. More than likely I think he probably just wanted to catch up after all these years.

he seems rather flighty (though what else is new? sounds like he has ALWAYS been that way). I would probably defriend him now, for the sake of your marriage. this man poses too great a temptation.....

Just checking up on you with no feelings.

Sometimes people after a long long time are sorry for what they've done. Personally I've dog many bad things to one of my ex and a lot of years passed - I still can't forget him and now when my thinking changed I think that he was the best person I ever had. Unfortunatelly he doesn't accept my FB request. So here can be something similar...

All of you are right. I know that would be best and I'm sure I will do just that. I think it was also curiosity on my part, feeling flattered.

As far as my husband goes, Tigerfan, I've lived with plenty of guilt that he has no clue of these feelings that run deep. But I have done my best to make sure he knows he is well loved and cared for.

I am so jealous of people who can clap their hands and walk away from feelings like this. I thought maybe I needed 'closure' for lack of a Trendy word, but maybe this IS my closure.

First of all, I think most people here have touched upon something very important. You have a husband and a family and it sounds like you still have lingering feelings and a lustful attraction to this guy, so for temptation sake de-friend and move on from him.

To answer your question, it could be a case of he is in a settled relationship with his wife and children, is bored with that life and wants to reach out to you to see how your life is and compare. It might be a case that he is longing for a relationship outside from the "mundane trappings" of married life and knows you have a massive place in your heart reserved for him and he wants to know if you still like/possibly love him. Like I said he might crave a sexual affair with you, or maybe he's just after an ego boost of knowing "he's still got it!!"

All of you are right. I know that would be best and I'm sure I will do just that. I think it was also curiosity on my part, feeling flattered.

As far as my husband goes, Tigerfan, I've lived with plenty of guilt that he has no clue of these feelings that run deep. But I have done my best to make sure he knows he is well loved and cared for.

I am so jealous of people who can clap their hands and walk away from feelings like this. I thought maybe I needed 'closure' for lack of a Trendy word, but maybe this IS my closure.

i know many men like this - i've had a few in my life!! they like to 'check in on you' and see what you are up to, without any motivation to 'take things to the next level.' they are just curious. like how a cat is curious to see what is in the bag you brought home. maybe there are *some* feelings on his part, but not enough to do what it would take to make something happen. i would forget him.

i have a feeling though - if you were divorced and he were divorced, i would not be surprised if he did the disappearing act anyway.....

He was not dependable before, and I'm certain he still isn't dependable. These people do not change.

I think he may be looking for some attention or something on the side. Nothing more.

Don't jeopardize your marriage for someone you had a strong chemical connection. This guy has proven that he is not reliable, where as your husband is.

I am also thinking you never got over him because you are seeking validation from some who treated you like crap.

Delete!

You, too CAN clap your hands and walk away from feelings like this. Here's how:

Remember way back when he told you he didn't love you? Then he tried to get you back after you'd moved on? He didn't come back with a marriage proposal and a diamond ring, did he?

He tried to get back to coming and going as he pleased, not committing, not being there for you, and not loving you.

Think about him differently and you will feel differently.

Meanwhile, feel good about yourself for walking away from him the first time, for moving on, and for finding love and commitment with your husband and for leaving noncommital user dude behind you.

Delete and block him off Facebook before he causes any hurt feelings or emabarrassment for your husband, be grateful for opportunity to affirm your love and commitment to the man who has given you love and commitment: your husband.

" i would not be surprised if he did the disappearing act anyway..... "

Sadly, Me neither.

"To answer your question, it could be a case of he is in a settled relationship with his wife and children, is bored with that life and wants to reach out to you to see how your life is and compare. It might be a case that he is longing for a relationship outside from the "mundane trappings" of married life and knows you have a massive place in your heart reserved for him and he wants to know if you still like/possibly love him. Like I said he might crave a sexual affair with you, or maybe he's just after an ego boost of knowing "he's still got it!!" "

His ego was pretty big back then, you are probably right, after all these years, and who knows what has happened to him, he may need some stroking. From the looks of it though, I am in a much better place. Is it wrong that makes me a little happy? To let you all know, I would never ever cheat on my husband. He worships the quicksand I walk on, he is a VERY good man. I wouldnt have stayed married 17 years if he wasnt. But...after 17 years, maybe my ego needs a little stroking too.

I think it would be very selfish and hurtful to have an emotional affair with this man. Your husband deserves better.

The thing I don't get is why you would even communicate with this man. he treated you poorly! If your ego needs stroking you're going about it the wrong way. How would you feel if your family and friends found out about this?

some people just 'get under our skin.' even if they are not right for us. sadly, i can relate.

I'm telling you distantrunner, you need to be careful. I've seen firsthand how affairs can happen, and your feelings for this other guy coupled with the fact that maybe your "ego needs a little stroking too" is a recipe for disaster. It happened to me and I am not a cheater nor ever thought I would be. That was 17 years ago and I am on ENA because I have had failed relationship after failed relationship as a result of what happened 17 years ago. Just today, my GF of 13 months and I broke up. I am sitting here alone and heartbroken again. Cherish your husband. Good men like him are RARE. Leave this former "bad boy" loser alone. Tell him you have no interest in caatching up with him, that you are happy and then delete him before he upsets your idyllic life.

I would also get some counseling to understand why you're still hung up on this creep. This is not about him but, something that is going on with you.

I would also get some counseling to understand why you're still hung up on this creep. This is not about him but, something that is going on with you.

Personally I wouldnt say counselling is needed. Maybe the OP never get closure, or didnt get a resolution that suited her i.e. the guy admitting to be a tool for how he treated her whilst admitting the OP was a great gal and the one that got away

Wow. Make me think twice before I add an ex on facebook. Is the point that he isn't just "any" ex, but was really significant at one time?

Weird. I wouldn't think a thing of it. I'd be happy to hear from him and glad to reconnect. Of course, I'm all about being friends with exes, too. And that's all there is to it. Just friends. Electronic or whatever.

Personally I wouldnt say counselling is needed. Maybe the OP never get closure, or didnt get a resolution that suited her i.e. the guy admitting to be a tool for how he treated her whilst admitting the OP was a great gal and the one that got away

Well, if someone is still not over someone who treated her like garbage 17 years ago. and willing to jeopardize her marriage, there is a problem. Why would you need closure if you're happily married and had moved on? This doesn't make sense!

i think she just always views him as 'the one who got away' and misses him. while, yes, he did treat her poorly, there were times when that connection was really there - and it's hard to think, in your mind, that that connection wasn't real. it's easy for someone who is not in the situation to say 'get over it' but it's not always easy in real life. but yes, i do agree that the bottom line is they felt as strongly for you as you did them, they wouldn't have ever let you get away.

i think she just always views him as 'the one who got away' and misses him. while, yes, he did treat her poorly, there were times when that connection was really there - and it's hard to think, in your mind, that that connection wasn't real. it's easy for someone who is not in the situation to say 'get over it' but it's not always easy in real life. but yes, i do agree that the bottom line is they felt as strongly for you as you did them, they wouldn't have ever let you get away.

 

I know but, one needs to look at the big picture. Someone that takes off for weeks at a time is not relationship material. He also said he didn't love her. He only wanted her when she was unavailable. This guy only wants what he can't have. Game player and emotionally unavailable.

 

I think if your self-esteem is in check, you would not interested in someone who had treated you poorly, as you know you deserve better.

Well, if someone is still not over someone who treated her like garbage 17 years ago. and willing to jeopardize her marriage, there is a problem. Why would you need closure if you're happily married and had moved on? This doesn't make sense!

I just think the whole of notion of going to counselling is at times banded around too quickly when the answer to the problems might be just under the surface if the OP is true to herself. Often, I find anyways, if people are brutally honest with themselves then they know the reasons for certain emotional responses. Once they identify that they can start to resolve the issue. Plus, with regards to the closuer, im not saying that this is set in stone as to why the OP is feeling this way, just offering a theory. ENd of the day, there could be a multitude of reasons such as simply being curious, especially if the guy was her first love. I would argue in that instance that such feelings that the OP is encountering to be quite normal. The whole of dynamic of this situation would change should the OP maintain contact with this guy and rick acting out on emotion resulting in a fresh sexual relationship with him.

Personally I look at this two fold. Having some form of emotional reaction is to me not neccasirly abnormal. As previously mentioned, it could be a closure issue, the fact he was her first real love, the guy she first fell the hardest for etc. However, the keeping in contact with him and having him in her life = totaly wrong as she is playing with the fire of temptation.

I guess I'm different.

I would never respond to my ex/first love, as he treated he treated me poorly. I am not married or involved at the time but, I know this guy has nothing to offer except more drama and disappointment. i would never do that to myself again, as it took a long time to gain back my self-esteem and dignity! He showed me who he is/was. I have no illusions.

I guess I'm different.

 

I would never respond to my ex/first love, as he treated he treated me poorly. I am not married or involved at the time but, I know this guy has nothing to offer except more drama and disappointment. i would never do that to myself again, as it took a long time to gain back my self-esteem and dignity! He showed me who he is/was. I have no illusions.

Well personally for me im in the same mindset in terms of there are certain exes, especially the first big love that brought me to this site that I would never ever want to speak to again. However, at the same time, I can understand where the OP is coming from with these various emotional responses to this one particualr guy. I guess as well though Holly you hit another massive nail on the head: by saying your different, and I think thats the key in that people will react to these situation differently, and I guess there no ultimatley right or wrong way to feel about an ex as such, I feel right and wrong more factors in to how we respond to these thoughts and emotions (i.e. cheating on a partner, which im fearful the OP might be tempted to do if she stays in the loop with this dude).