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I'm starting to hate my wife. Is there something wrong with me?


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About 6 months ago I wanted to be dead. I would fantasize about car accidents. I would dream I'd die in my sleep and wake up depressed because I woke up. Then I realized it came from being treated like I was insignificant. Sorry this is long but I really need to vent.

 

My wife doesn't ask my opinion before planning things with her mother or brother's family even if it overrides plans we've already made. (us + kids) One day, she asked me to cook dinner the kids, then her brother calls wanting us to go to his daughter's concert he forgot to tell us about. She gets home THEN tells me and packs up the kids to go. Food I prepared ready on the table.

 

I work 1.5 hour drive away. Only job I could find. She refuses to move closer because she wants to live near her mother. (currently 15 min. away)

 

My birthday, she calls me from the grocery store and asks if I want my favorite kind of pie because I don't like cake. She then forgets to buy it. She doesn't apologize or even go to the store accross the street. I go out myself at 9pm to get something. I was depressed as I was eating it anyway. She ends up getting me the damn pie 6 days later. I wasn't thrilled as you can imagine. THEN she tried to make me feel bad for not appreciating her effort.

 

We throw my son a birthday party at Chuck E's the Sat. before his birthday. Most of her family don't show up. We also planned a small dinner at home on his actual birthday, just us and the kids. I had to work on his actual birthday and while at work she txts me that family are now coming. Then txts me again, that there are too many coming so we are moving the party to my mother in law's house. I had only had 3 hours of sleep and now had to go to my in-laws.

 

We only have sex when she feels like it. Much less than my libido or her's when we got married. It has gotten to the point that I don't bother approaching her anymore. I just wait until she's in the mood and agree to it. I really want to deny her like she does to me but if I did, I'd never have intimacy. Meanwhile, I feel dirty and demoralized because I'm starting to look at other women. I'm Christian and this really causes me emotional strife.

 

Just yesterday we both had the day off. She spent it with her mother, didn't call or txt me when she would be home so I ate dinner by myself. She got home at 8pm and brought her 2 nieces for a sleep over. She is working today and left me in charge of them. Didn't bother to tell or ask me about that either.

 

So I tried to talk to her. She doesn't see any of this as selfish and gets snappy with me. When I explained that it's making me VERY depressed, she said there was something wrong with me and that I should see a psychiatrist. Is this normal 'wife' behavior? Am I asking too much or has she forgotten what is involved in being a couple? I resent how I'm being treated and have begun to hate her for not seeing how disrespectful she is of me. FYI: I am seeking a family counselor but not sure if it's because I think divorce would cost more in the long run.

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You are in an abusive relationship. I see her actions as mentally abusive to you. Whats sad is, because you are male, the world doesn't see your wife's actions in they same way they would if your genders where reversed.

 

Go see a therapist, you need to. Then tell your wife that if she wants to save your marriage you want to go to couples therapy. I would bet any amount of money she will not like what she hears there. But that is unimportant. Whats important is what you will get out of it, first validation, then, hopefully the strength to stand up to your wife look her in the face and tell her "I'm to good for you."

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There's nothing wrong with you, your wife is a controlling and abusive person who does the bare minimum to think of herself as a good person in her head and think of everyone else as bad for challenging that image she has of herself, and thus justify treating other people bad. She can't do that freely to kids because they'd just be like "baahh i don't like you, daddy's better". If you stand up for yourself, she'll just call it abuse to try and shut you down. Yeah, I suggest making some friends who see it your way so that you can get your confidence up in articulating your opinion, and going to a counselor.

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Depression can come solely from within, but in this case it sounds like there are a lot of external factors in play that are part of why you feel this way. It also sounds like she's trying to dismiss your feelings and your right to have them by shunting the blame off onto depression.

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I'm not sure I would go so far as to call this abusive, but she definitely sounds inconsiderate. I also think that depression does come from within, and while your situation may be aggravating your depressive state, it isn't the sole cause of it.

 

I also think that a lot of the situations you described are not in and of themselves necessarily that much cause for distress. For instance, your son's bday party- is it that big a deal to have to go to your in-laws because of the number of people? I realize that last-minute changes can be frustrating, especially if they are on a regular basis, but I also think that we pick our battles. Is it worth being upset about, or are some of these instances times when you could have rolled with the punches a little more?

 

Overall, I agree with those saying that you need to tell her that this is very serious, and that counseling is the only way you see fixing things right now. At the very least, you'll then have a mediator who can gauge the situation and perhaps give perspective to both of you.

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She sounds inconsiderate, not abusive. While it sounds like you have physical intimacy, there really is no emotional intimacy, and that is making your marriage suffer. Your wife takes you for granted, clearly. Since you have tried telling her how you feel, and she has been dismissive, maybe it is time to bring up a therapist (as you mentioned). If she doesn't agree to go and doesn't agree to change in a way that you don't feel taken advantage of, you may need to separate. I usually do not advocate for divorce but honestly from reading your post, I feel if I was in your position I would be very depressed. Forgetting you on your birthday is absolutely inexcusable...and then making you "celebrate" alone? Not okay. It sounds like she expects a lot from you and then doesn't really "give" in return. When my husband makes me dinner I am grateful to him because we are both busy and it gives us a chance to sit down and enjoy being with each other while eating a nice meal. I don't tell him that something else is MORE important and that he can just put the dinner away for another time...you need to make time for each other as a couple. Your wife could have told her brother that you already had plans OR you could have just gone a bit later to the concert. She sounds very self-involved...I hope you can find a way to work with her but she seems to think all problems stem from you. I would ask if you do things to show that you care for her and your family but from reading this I really feel that you are not very much the problem here...maybe you have just taken a bit too much of her selfishness. I wish you luck...it's never easy to consider divorce when there are children involved.

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just to keep things strait, you sound like an incredibly tolerant person and your wife sounds like she really needs someone to give her a kick in the pants and let her know that she is not treating you right.

 

that being said, i dont think that you can take the time to go to therapy and whatnot. you need to get out of the relationship before the whole situation hurts your kids. I really think it is about them at this point and no matter how bad or problematic a divorce may be i can promise you that it will be way wayyyyy worse for your kids if you end up dead because of this.

 

if you want to stay with her then let her know that you want to make things work for the kids sake but she can not keep treating you this way. keep it 100% about the kids. tell her that you cannot raise happy and mentally stable children when you are not happy or mentally stable yourself and she is the cause of it.

 

i'm sorry you are going through this and if you start feeling like you want to die again send me a pm first. i've spent a good deal of time fantasizing about my own death and i've found that it is easier to talk to someone who as gone through it instead of trying to explain the feelings to people who just dont get it.

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It's basically best described as a refusal to acknowledge that you are emotionally hurting your partner. Yes it is being inconsiderate. But it goes beyond that when the person being inconsiderate denies that their actions are having an effect on their partner when the partner tries to address their issue. It is in your face disrespect, without ever using a bad word, or admitting that you are doing that. There is no way to combat this from a male perspective in today's age and get your partner to change other than divorce or totally submitting to their partner, which would in effect only worsen his condition. But women are perfectly ok living in these situations and typically flourish.

 

First off, you just made a huge generalization about women and what they're perfectly okay with. That is completely inaccurate and unfair. Secondly, it seems really irresponsible to tell this poster that it is abuse as though this were a fact. We are getting one side of a story and we don't know whether his wife is denying anything, we only know that this is what it feels like for him. It's one thing to say that a situation sounds abusive, quite another to say that's flat out what it is, unless it's something very black and white like a physical attack.

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Let's not argue whether this is abuse or not - it won't help anyone. What is clear is that your wife is not treating you with consideration or respect and it is time you said that you will not put up with it any longer and that either she accompanies you to marriage counseling or she is putting the marriage in jeopardy. You should also tell her that you will not agree to her making or changing plans at the last minute without consulting you first. I suspect that if you tell her clearly and firmly and stick to your guns you will find she may be less insensitive.

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First off, you just made a huge generalization about women and what they're perfectly okay with. That is completely inaccurate and unfair. Secondly, it seems really irresponsible to tell this poster that it is abuse as though this were a fact. We are getting one side of a story and we don't know whether his wife is denying anything, we only know that this is what it feels like for him. It's one thing to say that a situation sounds abusive, quite another to say that's flat out what it is, unless it's something very black and white like a physical attack.

 

I'm not making generalizations about women. I'm talking about a very specific type of woman and situation. And that's exactly the problem. To a person that's been in it, it is as black and white as a slap accross the face. To an outsider who has not experienced it, it's virtually unnoticed. In fact, it may look like she's actually a hero. You can't see it. It's something you feel it and understand it. It is a method of basically slowly, and carefully eroding your partner's self esteem.

 

The best way I can describe it is through a scenario:

 

Imagine you love your woman. She's with you but you can tell she's no longer reciprocating your feelings but she chooses to stay with you without ever admitting she has stopped reciprocating. You go out with her somewhere. She kisses another man right in front of you. She knows you saw it. When you confront it, she never acknowledges her actions hurt you. Instead she may even make a joke, or discount the gravity while at the same time causing "shock" damage or try to confuse you : "i always wanted to kiss a full pair of lips" or "i was whispering something in his ear". It basically leaves you without words or hurt even deeper. If you push for acknowledgment she will manipulate herself right out of having to admit it by either changing the subject, blaming it on you, or causing a fight. It's like being shot in the arm, and then when you try to get them to admit they did and hurt you, they immediately hit you on top of your head with something.

 

Now, try to imagine for a second what the lover observing and going through all of this is feeling. Try to think of an appropriate response to the above situation. What would you do? How do you respond? How do you act?

 

On top of that she knows very well that her SO would never go to talk about this because of the humiliation he would feel by describing the event to other people and most of the time it's so unthinkable people have a hard time believing it. It's an emotional trap. And it doesn't have to be obvious but it's something that repeats in different situations, whether it's never giving in to something you ask, forgetting important events, putting you last on the list, etc, etc.

 

It really does feel like you are insignificant to that person. And that's typically the biggest giveaway which is what he initially said. The worst part? You notice she treats others differently, and displays normal behavior with them so all you are left thinking is "how can she not see that she is killing me by not being like that with me?" Like for example if she works, and a co-worker's birthday comes up she will make sure to give a present because she understands it's expected and the co-worker would feel unappreciated, but she doesn't display this consideration with you.

 

The hard part is trying to figure out if she knows what she's doing or not. I could be wrong, but I'll let 0of1 decide if this sounds familiar or not.

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I agree completely. I would insist on couples' counseling. If she refuses, go alone until you figure out which path you want to take. Clearly, your marriage is in trouble if she chooses to spend her free day with her mother instead of her husband. I would bring this up to her. Things used to be good at some point, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't have gotten married, right??

 

I wish you all the best. Sadly, I do think that divorce is something that you should consider if she is unwilling to work with you.

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I'm not making generalizations about women. I'm talking about a very specific type of woman and situation.

 

Because men never ignore a birthday? Men have never changed plans at the last minute? Inconsideration, or whatever you want to term what the o.p. is describing, is not specific to males or females.

 

I am respecting DN's request that there is not debate over whether this is abuse. The advice remains the same whether it's abuse or not- make sure that the wife understands the gravity of the situation and to get into counseling.

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  • 1 month later...

The comment "This is just my side" is true. I wasn't arguing who's point of view is correct, I was relating how her behavior is making me feel. I was curious if I am just being too picky or if maybe this kind of behavior is normal in other relationships. She acts as though the husband of the family is disposable. I don't care about a classification. It's not about that. Bulletproof, there is a difference between forgetting a birth date and forgetting to get a cake you called and said you were getting and then NOT apologizing or correcting the situation afterward. The store was still open. I went there myself.

 

I agree with many of the posts and I appreciate the time everyone has taken in responding. GroingIn does have it right but I don't think she intends to be as such. That doesn't change the fact that I feel like I am only here to provide a paycheck. I will do as suggested and go talk to a stranger (counselor) and tell them I don't know how to fix my own marriage. I have to because nothing has changed. My efforts only end in arguments and an unhappy family that didn't go anywhere when I stood my ground. (kids loose out)

 

This weekend, I told her I wanted to spend some time together. Friday our time together consisted of a late lunch and buying groceries. Today she told me she was going to help out at work for a bit. They recently closed the restaurant where she works and were moving things out. She left at 10am. At 12pm she txts me to go ahead and eat lunch. At 650pm she txts me again to go ahead and eat dinner. I fed my son at 6:30pm. I wasn't going to make him wait. Again another text at 830pm with "I'll be home later". I complained and she said "sorry, I'm helping a friend move and I'll be home soon". She finally gets home at 1130pm. I tell her I want to spend time together and she spends 13.5 hours out. On top of that she told me bit by bit so I ended up wasting the day just waiting for her to get back. My son and I watched some movies and played wii. And in typical fashion, at some point she found time to go to her mother's house and make plans with her brother to go visit their grandparents tomorrow. An hour away. But since "it was last minute," I could stay home. Plain mockery there. What I wanted was to spend some quality time with her and all I get is this crap and an offer to stay home. Great.

 

Thanks again for the posts. I'll reply again after I see a counselor.

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I will do as suggested and go talk to a stranger (counselor) and tell them I don't know how to fix my own marriage.

 

Perhaps I am reading into this, but it seems like you are upset about the idea of counseling. Why should you automatically know how to fix your own marriage? Clearly plenty of people do not, or the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is.

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  • 3 weeks later...

It's not that I'm upset about going to counseling. It makes a person feel like a failure. It also points to the 'last' thing that will happen with at least a positive goal. I got her to agree to go to counseling with me at least a few times but I honestly feel that she is just going so that she can look our kids in the eye when they get older and say "I tried everything". She says she's willing to try but it has been 2 weeks since we had this talk and she still does not touch, cuddle, hold hands, kiss, fall asleap in the same bed, etc. I even have to ask her to sit with me on the same sofa. She also 'forgot' her wedding ring 2 days in a row this weekend. Makes me wonder how long she's been forgetting it when I'm at work. All the while I've been taking the family out, got her roses, chocolates, I'm paying extra attention to her, did the groceries so she didn't have to, etc.

 

As for the divorce rate being so high, I think there are too many people like her that just are not willing to try to resolve issues and would rather just collect child support and trade in their husband. She did it before and her mother is on her 4th marriage so it's obviously not going to be shunned in her family.

 

If you are reading this and you are currently having issues with your significant other, TALK TO THEM. Don't let the situation stew until you no longer want to fix the problem.

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I had similar issues with my ex. We were together for 30 years and raised our children together. But during that time I felt like I was given little consideration. I see alot of similarities in your story - the history of divorce in the family, the treatment of the husband as a means to support a lifestyle, the focus on themselves and lack of consideration. I would say she sounds pretty narcissistic.

 

Since you have only described events and situations, I'm sure there is something about the relationship that is hard to express but leaves you feeling put upon and very depressed as you described. I felt the same way and I finally did see a counselor to "fix myself". But as much as I tried to focus on changing my attitude, etc. my counselor kept suggesting that there was nothing wrong with me and that my depression was situational. I was in a bad relationship.

 

I insisted that I couldn't give up on a 30 year marriage without a fight, so we went to couples counseling. Again, I tried to focus on my behavior, searching for some "root of bitterness" that might have caused the lack of love I felt. But the counselor (different one) kept focusing on my then-wife, trying to get her to see where she was wrong. After a few sessions she "lost interest" in going and said she didn't see where we needed counseling.

 

I would recommend you seek counseling, if nothing more than to confirm what you've been feeling. Take it from there and decide if you can reconcile things and live in the marriage on your own terms for the sake of your kids. You also describe events that smell of an affair. Only you can determine your level of trust but if you suspected anything, I would suggest you do a little investigating to see what's behind all that time away..

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Just wanted to add - your wife could be my ex husband in many ways.

 

Insult to injury - when I didn't challenge his separation plan, he proved he COULD remember important dates - and just hadn't bothered for over 15 years. I felt like if it had to do with me, it just wasn't significant enough to be on his radar.

 

I feel for you - it's hell to go through. Let us know how counseling goes.

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OP, I"m very sorry that you are going through this. I sincerely hope that things get better whichever way. A lot of south Asian women give into their family members too much and don't care for their husbands' comfort. This sounds like it. But whatever it is, I hope that you get out of this mess. Noone should be treated this way. Stay strong.

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Let's not argue whether this is abuse or not - it won't help anyone. What is clear is that your wife is not treating you with consideration or respect and it is time you said that you will not put up with it any longer and that either she accompanies you to marriage counseling or she is putting the marriage in jeopardy. You should also tell her that you will not agree to her making or changing plans at the last minute without consulting you first. I suspect that if you tell her clearly and firmly and stick to your guns you will find she may be less insensitive.

 

I agree with this.

 

OP, there's something I notice about you in your posts. After you mention what your wife's done, you dont mention anything about how you let her know that these things are NOT ok. How often are you doing this? Or, have you just gotten used to this behavior and given up?

 

Your wife IS being VERY INCONSIDERATE, DISRESPECTFUL, and another word that I'll keep to myself. HOWEVER, all that aside, I get the STRONG FEELING, as much as this may seem inconsiderate, that you may be playing part in this as well: For instance, your wife is domineering and controlling, but I get a small sense that you're submissive. You get angry, and feel disrespected, but you lack the tenacity to stick to your guns.

 

As you already know, you both you need marriage counseling. Just as she needs to learn respect and consideration, you also need to learn self-respect and boundaries. The repetition of tactless, inconsiderate behavior shows this for both of you. Having HER change her behavior won't mean much, if you dont change as well. For instance, if she does become more considerate, but you stay boundary-less in your mindset, for instance, you'll be inviting future problems into your marriage, or worse, you'll be inadvertantly inviting your previous behaviors back into your marriage.

 

As horrible as her behavior is, the blame can be more evenly distributed because you're both lacking in communication, and well as boundaries and respect. You both need help here.

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