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  1. #1
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    The "rubber band effect" - your opinions.

    Hi all,
    So i've never really put up an opinion thread before but i've been doing alot of thinking and wanted to see what your otheres opinions where.

    I'm with my guy 8 months and have been noticing a trend of him kinda pulling away, for no apparent reason, the txting mgs decreasing and the bain of my life stopping replying during conversation. This past weekend was the last straw for me. From thursday - Sunday he just went so so strange. Pulled back like 60%. He's usually like 98% of the time inities conversation but stops replying. Things up till thursday where fine but over the course of the days i cudn't get two words out of him, no txts unless i txted (which i did twice) and they didn't last long. He also went out last min with his friends.

    So me being a girl of course i anylised all of this. Why isn't he txting me, why doesn't he want to see me, doesn't he like me anymore, we spend every weekend together maybe he's getting bored of me..

    So today rolls around and it seems hes back to his old self. Txting asking to meet up and putting xox in his txt.. To me very strange behaviour until my cus, who god love her has had to listen to me moand and venting pointed out an article she had read about the rubber band effect.

    Basically your guy pulls away for "him time" ( but to us girls or me at least this is him not being interested) and after a few days comes back. The trick is to not run after him at this stage and just leave him be. That being not txting him or running after him. I think over the corse of the weekend i went about it the right way in my ownnatural way.. Only txted him twice, let him know i was off doing my own thing and not sitting at home. It says that after this "him time" he comes back because he wants to and misses you and true enough he's making plans..I actually said i hadn't the money for these plans and he said well i'll treat you.

    Ok so i'm trying to write this as clear as possible but do you think that this is just garbage made up by magazines to get us girls minds working or does this theory work.. To me it seems to have worked. He has come back and i didn't chase him or bombard him with txts...

    Also would i be right in saying that us girls crave more time with out guys that guys crave with there girls. That being that i'd be happy to spend alot more time with him than he would me. To him going out with the lads would be done on a second notice but for me i'd think first about what he's doing and would irather spend time with him or is that just me being clingy. I've no problem with going lenghts of time not txting. I also have no porblem doing a few days not seeing him, currently its mainly weekends. But when this pattern changes can we really put things down to the rubber band effect ot him actually not being interested..

    I really hope i wrote that clearly!!!!

  2. 08-15-2011, 04:41 PM

  3. #2
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    It hasn't really been a case of not spending time together or that decreasing. This weekend is prob the first time its happened but its more the communication between seeing each other. The go up and down and hot and cold. It will go from him txting loads to very little. Its about 60/40 to him in making weekend plans.. He has his own place so its easier and i won't just invite myself over.

    So to retract and try make this clearer i'm just curious as to what people think about this theory.. I think having spend every weekend with my bf that this weekend he just wanted time along and went about it the wrong way. If it was a case of him actually pulling away then he wouldn't be making plans for mid week and his treat.

    It just has me thinking about how girls and guys minds work with relation to spending time together and space.

  4. #3
    Gold Member ut804's Avatar
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    It depends.

    Some men pull away because they actually do lose interest. and no matter how much time is spent apart he will just have no interest.

    The rubber band effect only works when both people really like each other. then when one or the other pulls away, he or she will greatly miss that person.

  5. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by ut804 View Post
    It depends.

    Some men pull away because they actually do lose interest. and no matter how much time is spent apart he will just have no interest.

    The rubber band effect only works when both people really like each other. then when one or the other pulls away, he or she will greatly miss that person.
    We do really like each other. We're due to go on holiday together very soon that was his idea and him paying the majority. I just don't know whether to belive such a theory or not i guess.

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  7. #5
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    How old are you guys? I just posted a thread about men going into their "caves" which has to do with the rubber band pattern that a lot of men experience, not necessarily all but some. Your man might just not be ready to be completely serious with you as far as you and him being his main source of fun times. That's not to say he won't ever be, he might also just not be as emotionally open and may be fine with spending only the weekends with you. If you are not happy with this, maybe you can kindly hint at it with him without sounding clingy or needy.

  8. #6
    Platinum Member Deciduous's Avatar
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    Hi emma j,

    Years ago my Mother laughed when I told her about the Rubber Band theory. She said in her day it was called the Garden Shed theory when blokes had a sudden urge to disappear out back and start sharping their old wood cutter. Seems little changes over the generations.

    I've had several relationships and experienced the rubber band theory with my SOs. When I was young I used to fly into a panic that I was losing them. It was horrible. Why were they doing this to me. Why so cold? Then I became stoic and started gritting my teeth. They always came back right. Then eventually I started picking up my own hobbies and interests and going out with my girlfriends. Eventually I started to enjoy a break to myself.

    Didn't realise this was a universal phenomenon until I read John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It kinda made sense and I haven't stressed about it since. I just got on with my own stuff. Gave me something to chat about when I saw them next and made me realise that I was in charge of my own life and personal growth.

    And it still makes sense. When a relationship starts it's all hot and heavy and pretty demanding in terms of time. Nothing is as important as spending all your time and brain function on your new girl/boyfriend. And why not! You are bonding with a new person that you are crazy about. It all goes at a whirlwind pace, but who can keep that up without losing their sense of self.

    At some point when you feel happy settled and secure in the relationship you want to pick up your old interests, friends and time thinking alone. Deny some-one the ability to go back to those things if enjoyed before you, is a sure-fire way to court a failing relationship. Eventually they will get overwhelmed, how much you constantly need them and realise that they have no time to develop themselves.

    And why should they put up with it? They had a life, interest, hobbies, drinking buddies and a football team to support before they met you. Must they throw out all sense of self to be with another. Should any of us.

    Can I also add that different people need different amounts of time alone. I spend about 50-60% of my time alone when in a relationship. (80%-90% when I'm single) I'm a real home-body. Too much time in constant company and begin to feel my personal thoughts are bleeding out of my ear. This hasn't been a problem with relationships because I naturally attract people who are similar, after learning the bitter lesson that not all people are like me, and some will feel some-what neglected.

    Deci xxx
    Last edited by Deciduous; 08-15-2011 at 05:19 PM.

  9. #7
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    puppy love his mid 20s i'm late 20's. I'll go look at your thread.

    You bring up some interesting points. This has been the slowest relationship ever and because he wasn't ready for a relationship in the beinging but in the end it was him that asked for it. Emotionally speaking, no he wouldn't be as open. Wouldn't generally say how he's feeling and yeah i think would be perfectly fine with spending only the weekend with me as i would with him.

  10. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deciduous View Post
    Hi emma j,

    Years ago my Mother laughed when I told her about the Rubber Band theory. She said in her day it was called the Garden Shed theory when blokes had a sudden urge to disappear out back and start sharping their old wood cutter. Seems little changes over the generations.

    I've had several relationships and experienced the rubber band theory with my SOs. When I was young I used to fly into a panic that I was losing them. It was horrible. Why were they doing this to me. Why so cold? Then I became stoic and started gritting my teeth. They always came back right. Then eventually I started picking up my own hobbies and interests and going out with my girlfriends. Eventually I started to enjoy a break to myself.

    Didn't realise this was a universal phenomenon until I read John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It kinda made sense and I haven't stressed about it since. I just got on with my own stuff. Gave me something to chat about when I saw them next and made me realise that I was in charge of my own life and personal growth.

    And it still makes sense. When a relationship starts it's all hot and heavy and pretty demanding in terms of time. Nothing is as important as spending all your time and brain function on your new girl/boyfriend. And why not! You are bonding with a new person that you are crazy about. It all goes at a whirlwind pace, but who can keep that up without losing their sense of self.

    At some point when you feel happy settled and secure in the relationship you want to pick up your old interests, friends and time thinking alone. Deny some-one the ability to go back to those things if enjoyed before you, is a sure-fire way to court a failing relationship. Eventually they will get overwhelmed, how much you constantly need them and realise that they have no time to develop themselves.

    And why should they put up with it? They had a life, interest, hobbies, drinking buddies and a football team to support before they met you. Must they throw out all sense of self to be with another. Should any of us.

    Deci xxx
    I could not agree with you more! I just posted about this book in my other post and people were very defensive about saying this book was "disclaimed". The theories in this book apply to dating and marriage. It has honestly allowed me to understand me significant other so much more.

  11. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deciduous View Post
    Hi emma j,

    Years ago my Mother laughed when I told her about the Rubber Band theory. She said in her day it was called the Garden Shed theory when blokes had a sudden urge to disappear out back and start sharping their old wood cutter. Seems little changes over the generations.

    I've had several relationships and experienced the rubber band theory with my SOs. When I was young I used to fly into a panic that I was losing them. It was horrible. Why were they doing this to me. Why so cold? Then I became stoic and started gritting my teeth. They always came back right. Then eventually I started picking up my own hobbies and interests and going out with my girlfriends. Eventually I started to enjoy a break to myself.

    Didn't realise this was a universal phenomenon until I read John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It kinda made sense and I haven't stressed about it since. I just got on with my own stuff. Gave me something to chat about when I saw them next and made me realise that I was in charge of my own life and personal growth.

    And it still makes sense. When a relationship starts it's all hot and heavy and pretty demanding in terms of time. Nothing is as important as spending all your time and brain function on your new girl/boyfriend. And why not! You are bonding with a new person that you are crazy about. It all goes at a whirlwind pace, but who can keep that up without losing their sense of self.

    At some point when you feel happy settled and secure in the relationship you want to pick up your old interests, friends and time thinking alone. Deny some-one the ability to go back to those things if enjoyed before you, is a sure-fire way to court a failing relationship. Eventually they will get overwhelmed, how much you constantly need them and realise that they have no time to develop themselves.

    And why should they put up with it? They had a life, interest, hobbies, drinking buddies and a football team to support before they met you. Must they throw out all sense of self to be with another. Should any of us.

    Deci xxx
    Thanks for you reply...

    I like you used to stress when i was younger.. the why is he going cold why is he doing this blah blah.. This relationship how ever has been different in that i've not chased him, not done all the txting. Basically acted different and to me yes this rubber band theory does seem to have some meaning to it and i think this past weekend signifyes that for me.. Letting him know i was doing my own thing. He ever asked oh did you not go out on saturday. My plans had changed but he didn't know that. AFter he had his little space at the weekend he's come right back making plans and talking about our holiday.

    Overall i don't think i've anything to worry about but i'm a girl and my mind is going to wander. But this rubber band thing does make sense and if i can keep a hold of this theory of thinking then, well who knows. Then again maybe we just get smarter as we get older.

  12. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by puppylove89 View Post
    I could not agree with you more! I just posted about this book in my other post and people were very defensive about saying this book was "disclaimed". The theories in this book apply to dating and marriage. It has honestly allowed me to understand me significant other so much more.
    i think i might have to get myself a copy!!!

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