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Thread: Haven't heard from my boyfriend in two weeks

  1. #1

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    Haven't heard from my boyfriend in two weeks

    We've been dating for four months and have had a really good time. We had a few hurdles in the sense that he was in the final months of writing his Phd thesis when we met and so he couldn't spend time with me or would be quite tired when we saw each other. I suggested maybe we should go on a break until he finishes his thesis because this wasn't easy for me at the beginning of the relationship. Also, literally the day after he was due to submit it, he had to work 7 days a week at a summer school in another town, so I got the feeling I'd keep waiting, as it were. Anyway, we talked about all this, he said he really didn't want to go on a break and we made it work and I was supportive when I began to understand how much finishing the thesis meant to him. He even thanked me in the acknowledgments for it and told me he didn't know why I stayed because it was so intense, but happy that I did.

    Then he started working at the summer school straight after and would call me at any moment he had, though it was usually only for 30 seconds. I didn't mind because I knew he was busy. In the meantime, my dad got pretty ill (brain tumour and we were awaiting results to find out if it was cancerous or not). I thought I should let him know because I didn't want him to think I was being aloof or that something was wrong between us. I asked him to call me that night and he didn't. I was not in a good place and felt I needed to tell him as I didn't know when I would next hear from him at a time when we can talk properly, so I sent him an email to let him know what was going on.

    He texted me the next day to say sorry to hear about that, I wish I could be there for you as you have been for me and I'm sorry that I'm not, know it's unfair blah blah... and he also said that from the tone of my email, it sounds like I want to go on a bit of a break which is a bit sad but that he understands. I called him straight away and told him that is not what I meant by the email at all (I admit it was worded badly, but it wasn't easy for me to write it down). Anyway, his response was to be angry with me which I was surprised by so I said I'd call at night, he insisted that he'd call and never called back.

    I texted him goodnight and a few days later I emailed him to say I'm sorry for the tone of the email and that if there was anything other than that which upset him, he should be honest with me. Told him how much I liked him and just want to make him happy etc. The only response I got was an auto reply saying that he wouldn't have regular access to his email until 2nd August and that if a query is urgent, to message him on his mobile. I know he has very regular access because he still replies to posts on Facebook etc.

    Anyway, I thought it best to leave it at that thinking he'd get in touch when he is ready. It's now been over two weeks and he finished working at the summer school yesterday and no word.

    It's just really breaking me. I know that what he has done is unfair and to an extent unforgivable. But I care for him and his behaviour is just not in line with the person I knew and obviously I have a thousand questions in my head. Also, I'm likely to bump into him at events and parties because we have a lot of common friends and we move in similar circles (I haven't told them about this).

    I bumped into his ex-girlfriend a week ago and she asked me if I'd heard from him and whether he was okay because he'd asked her to meet up for a coffee. I know it's not because he wants her back, they had a tumultuous relationship and she is now with someone else but they are really good friends and I know he finds it difficult to talk to people about things.

    Anyway, I just don't know what to do or think, I've never been in this kind of situation before. I've held back the urge to contact him everyday...

    Any input would be gratefully received.

    Thanks

  2. #2
    Platinum Member The_Seeker's Avatar
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    If I haven't heard from my boyfriend in two weeks I consider it's over and I move on to the next. LOL People on this board that I should give him a benefit of the doubt or whatever.

    Sorry my life is too precious to be put on to the side just like that.

    For him to say sorry he couldn't been there for you? What the heck? If he could if he wanted to. No doubt about it. I bet he would have been there if you were a celebrity or the girl he doesn't want to lose.
    Rule for Everyone to Follow:

    Practice what you preach and mean what you say. If you don't, you're a damn hypocrite and you come off as a superficial person of what you do, say, and who you are. Time to grow up and stop acting like a victim when someone pulled the same action you did to someone else.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member CatsMeeoow's Avatar
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    I would be rather concerned... giving that he acknowledged your patience while he was under the stress of his thesis but now that the tables are turned and your family is having a serious medical crisis and he is where??? I think regardless of tone of the email he should know that you are worried and concerned about your dad and he should be more supportive... being MIA for 2 weeks would be a huge red flag in my book... I wouldn't be wasting my time.

    good luck!

  4. #4
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    Consider this as him revealing more of his true self to you, and an opportunity to avoid getting stuck in a frustrating and unsatifying relationship.

    You say he isn't good at verbalizing with people-- so I think what he is doing is showing you, without words, that he isn't all that interested in pursuing you.

    Do your best to move on. I know it isn't easy, but you will be better off, happier, and free to meet someone who makes you feel really special and not put on the sidelines. You can do it-- put him out of your mind, and concentrate on yourself.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member wilyone 11's Avatar
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    At the 3-4 month mark, it is common for men to become uncertain about whether they want to continue the relationship. They pull way back and don't seem like the same guy at all. I assume you've read "Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus" which explains how men get very strong urges to pull back when they become close to a woman. Also "Mars and Venus On a Date" explains the different stages of dating and how "Uncertainty" is an essential stage to any relationship.

    I would just continue to give him space, don't contact him and focus on yourself. Keep your options open to date other people. Act like he doesn't exist, I know it's hard. If he doesn't come back by 8 weeks, then it is likely over.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member The_Seeker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wilyone 11;4922501[B
    ]At the 3-4 month mark, it is common for men to become uncertain[/B] about whether they want to continue the relationship. They pull way back and don't seem like the same guy at all. I assume you've read "Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus" which explains how men get very strong urges to pull back when they become close to a woman. Also "Mars and Venus On a Date" explains the different stages of dating and how "Uncertainty" is an essential stage to any relationship.

    I would just continue to give him space, don't contact him and focus on yourself. Keep your options open to date other people. Act like he doesn't exist, I know it's hard. If he doesn't come back by 8 weeks, then it is likely over.
    Ha ha! Thanks for the fact! I didn't know that. LOL At least I know now. How is that book by the way? I'm debating whether I should get it for giggles.
    Rule for Everyone to Follow:

    Practice what you preach and mean what you say. If you don't, you're a damn hypocrite and you come off as a superficial person of what you do, say, and who you are. Time to grow up and stop acting like a victim when someone pulled the same action you did to someone else.

  8. #7
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    I think you should just dump him. He doesn't even have to be told! Which is the good thing. It's just over - he's dumped.

    He totally did not care how sick your dad is, he used loop-holes to get out of your relationship. He was too coward to even just say "Hey this isn't working for me anymore" - he twists this onto you for "your tone" of the letter. What a crock.

    Whenever he gets tied down in his own things, he can't seem to be able to handle a relationship. You don't want someone who goes M.I.A everytime he gets swamped or feels stress. This wouldn't bode well in the future anyways.

    Just stand back and look at him for what he really is. Selfish.

  9. #8
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    Here is what it sounds like to me...

    I think you two had healthy communication when he was working on his thesis. You had needs that you voiced to him, and he voiced that his thesis was important to him. You two avoided a break, and that is awesome.

    However, after he finished his thesis and started summer school, something changed with him it seems. Maybe he got more free time, maybe since he was done with his thesis he felt like it was a new chapter in his life... who knows. Either way, I honestly think he reconsidered your "take a break" offer and grasped for straws to make it seem like it was your idea and not his.

    I do think he is at fault for a few things here. I know I'm just an outsider here, but based on what you've said it sounds like he is a nice guy and is not interested anymore and didn't want to hurt you, so tried to find a way to make it to where he didn't have to dump you. By clinging onto the "it sounds like you want to break up" bit, I think he is displaying immaturity. Up until this point, it seems he was communicating fine, but given this information, he is trying to save face. I think he wants to not be together, but he doesn't have the courage to just be honest.

    There is no rulebook for relationship and perhaps for some people a 2 week period of no talking, especially during a stressful period, is understandable. However, to me, relationships are ALSO about celebrating with each other once the storms pass. You two have had a tremendous amount of stress lately - thesis, ill family, summer school, and it doesn't sond like there has been much of that. Even if this was 100% due to y'alls schedules matching up, it still wouldn't be a relationship I'd be interested in staying in. That doesn't mean it can't work for you though, if he still wants to be together.

    Regardless of however you feel, he is now vanished after the last thing he said to you, I don't see any other explanation other than he isn't interested. I'm very sorry to say that, but there is just no way someone would just not speak to someone for 2 weeks if they were truly interested in them. I think something changed for him after he finished his thesis.
    "Times of calamity and distress have always been producers of the greatest men. The hardest steel is produced from the hottest fire; the brightest star shreds the darkest night."

  10. #9
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    I'm very sorry to hear about your father. I hope he is OK!

    You need to dump this guy! He doesn't care about you or the relationship! Even if a friend did something like this they would be out of my life.

    I think you need to stop making excuses for this guy, as he behavior is unacceptable! You may like him but, you need to ask why so little is Ok for you. You need to show yourself some love and respect and find someone who will be there for you, in good and bad times.

    His actions scream, he doesn't care, nor is he relationship material!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member RitaTrue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The_Seeker View Post
    If I haven't heard from my boyfriend in two weeks I consider it's over and I move on to the next.
    Agreed. He's already checked out. He's gone. He's not even worthy of thinking about. Consider it done.

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