Girlfriends insecurity is killing the relationship

Hi Everyone im new to this site, not sure if i am posting in the right section, but i could use the advise of some of you masters on here

I am in a relationship with a woman who im not sure has bpd.

First some background

I met this girl at work we had known each other roughly 2 years before anything happened she was married ( i know im bad), and then we started a brief affair, almost immediately she declared her undying love for me, and kicked her husband out, i felt so guilty that i moved in with her. From the very beginning the relationship was extremely intense, she told me over and over how much she loved me, and i got sucked into it never for one second stopping to ask myself, "hey this is not normal for someone to fall so deeply in love with you so quickly".

After 3 months she fell pregnant, i didnt want the child but there was nothing i could do to deter her (bad again i know), the sex was absolutely mind blowing, and still is. However i feel so trapped because she seems to have such low self esteem, she has to know where i am at all times, if i dont respond to a text message straight away, then its an emotional outburst, i dont love her etc.

The worst part is im not allowed to look at the tv if there is an attractive female on, i.e if an advert comes on and there is a female on who is attractive i must look away or else she starts an argument. Im unable to watch a film unless she has first vetted it and made sure that there is no nudity, no Clantilly dressed women, in fact no attractive women in it at all. She has forced me to close my facebook account in case any other female adds me.

At work she gets a bit upset if i talk to any other female colleague even if its work related because she thinks i found them attractive (no matter who the woman). Her mood swings are like nothing ive ever seen, she can go from being extremely sweet to a raving monster where she actually tries to or succeeds in hitting me. I feel like i dont have a life anymore, she seems to find things to use up every minute of my time so i have nothing left for myself.

Her entire world seems to revolve around me, and its making me feel so claustrophobic, she doesnt have any friends and she doesnt have any hobbies or interests. Any interests that I have she wants to take part in, but then usually makes me feel miserable doing them, so i dont. If i laugh at a womans joke on tv then she gets jealous and says that i dont laugh at her jokes. Im starting to feel like im constantly doing something wrong, i feel like im in the wrong all the time.

She is a fantastic mother, and i cannot fault her in that respect, ive never seen someone so devoted to a child in my life, where as she has very little patience with me and her 9 yr old son (from her previous relationship) her patience seems to have no limits with the baby. She cooks she cleans shes fantastic in that department, i can watch football all day or play on the xbox, in fact she prefers me to play on the xbox instead of watching tv (but i suspect this is because there is no risk of me seeing a female on tv).

Shes beautiful and i mean really beautiful but she is so negative about herself, the way she goes on you would think she was the most revolting woman in the world. Id doesnt seem to matter how many times i compliment her or tell her that i love her, the fix is temporary, now i understand why, her self esteem is completely dependant on others, she cannot feel good about herself without it coming from an external source, which i think is dangerous.

Ive never been in a relationship like this before, and i dont know how much more i can take, my stomachs in knots most of the time.

i dont go out anywhere so my one passion is movies, especially korean japanese chinese movies, but im not allowed to watch them because she thinks i want be with an asian girl when i do. I wanted to watch James Bond the other night (casino Royale) but she kicked off with me because its full of slappers as she puts it, so i went upstairs and put it on my laptop so she followed me up and in rage started screaming that i was watching things behind her back and threw my laptop accross the room. Is this normal?

This extends to watching everyday tv shows if there is an attractive female, im made to feel that im perving over her, again i am only allowed to read the local paper, which there are no pictures of any females in.

Holidays, every year we have to book a villa if we go abroad because she wont go to a hotel in fear of me seeing another woman in a bikini.

If its a friday night and i want to stay up late, i cant because she says she has to get up with the baby so its not fair for me to stay up, he wakes up at about 7am, to which i reply "ill get up with the baby" but she ignores me. which means i then have to go to bed ar else im made to feel guilt that shes tired because she wont go to bed without me. The real issue is she is terrified of what i might watch while shes upstairs.

She gets jealous if her mother turns up wearing shorts (shes a runner) or her sister in law who has had a boob job (needed for medical reasons).

I just cant take this anymore, i realise there are sacrifices to make so i gave up my friends and dont go out hardly anymore which im fine with, or i would be fine if i could relax at home, but i feel constantly sick with anxiety, and am starting to get severe headaches. I dont put up with this i argue all the time, but she is slowly grinding me down.

She is constantly needing my reassurance that she is beautiful, but to be honest ive had enough, she needs a level of assurance that no one can provide.

She is also in therapy for low self esteem but thats not working.

She has acknowledged she has a problem and knows that its her own insecurity, but then in the same breath tells me that i know she has a problem so why would i look at the tv if an attractive girl is on.

So my questions are

a) do you think she can change

b) are any other men going through this

c) Should i stay for the baby

p.s im 33 she is 32 by the way so we are not kids even though i feel im dating a 14 year old sometimes

Thanks for the rant, ive kept it quite brief

wow your thread really helped me to see how awful a relationship with a insecure person looks(I have problems with that too).Sorry I cant be much help but you definaly helped me to think better about my behaviour with that.

What a very sad situation.

Honestly, there are just women out there with CRIPPLING self esteem issues and they just don't get better for whatever reasons. Therapy isn't working for her (like you said) and they just suck the life out of you. You sound like you're a stand-up guy and you think she's beautiful and all that, but that's not enough for her. It's never enough for her. You can compliment her 24/7 and she will never be satisfied. I can understand her need to be jealous if you were salivating over women or you were cheating, but that's not the case.

I'm sorry but I don't see this ending happily.

Well for starters, she's abusive. No woman should hit a man any more than a man should hit a woman. She's also exceptionally controlling.

Since she's open to therapy, and since there is a child involved, I would recommend relationship councilling. She needs to understand how her behaviours affect you.

Do I think she'll change? People only change in degrees. She won't be watching porn with you ever.

Should you stay for the baby? You should never stay for the baby. You should give it a really big shot for the baby... you should try and exhaust all possible resolutions for the baby... but ultimately, a happy parent is a good parent (and an unhappy parent is a bad parent). Your child will learn what is normal in a relationship from the example. Do you want your child in a relationship like this? The relationship needs to be fixed (at minimum to non-abusive levels) or you need to leave.

I think that Red Dress's recommendation is the best advice for any change to come about. Change must come for you ricky, you can be in this constant state of frazzeled nerves. She MUST learn that she cannot continue this way. Couple counseling is your only hope for her to change her behavior.....I wish you luck with this....chi

Agreed with the others. Never stay for the baby.

By all means, SUPPORT the baby. You made it, you pay for it, ya know? But it's wrong for both you and the child for you to stay in a bad relationship. That will come back to bite you in the bum later, I promise.

OP,

So much of what you have typed describes the last 17 years of my life that it is spooky.

My wife has always been that way with the t.v., movies and such. It has sucked the enjoyment out of all of that.

I see your woman is 32 years of age. I can tell you that in my situation, it never got any better than it was in the beginning. Quite frankly, it has become much worse lately. My wife is 41 now and things have been worse than ever in that realm.

The jealousy and insecurity is stiffling, suffocating, and soul robbing. I just got back from a two day trip with my son to see my family. My wife had to stay behind for a test she had to take. While I missed her terribly, I found that I could breathe once I was away.

I relaxed, I slept better, all my backpain went away.......I could actually exist without having to worry about the next commercial on t.v.....the next woman that walks by in the hotel lobby....that kind of thing.

Luckily, my wife has suggested counseling.....yet again. This will be our fourth venture down that road.

I wish I could tell you that she will change. I wish I could tell you that. That it got better with age, counseling....I wish I could tell you that there are things that you can do to make it better.

But I can't.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. And yes, there are others like you struggling to breathe....to simply live.

Again, I am sorry.

Regards.

I think every woman thinks that way sometimes to a much, much, much lesser degree... but she is acting on those feelings. Blowing them out of proportion. She threw your laptop??? No, that is NOT normal. There is no excuse for letting yourself get so out of control. Is she hitting you too? If so, this is totally unacceptable. One of my fiance's exes hit him and went into tantrums like that, scratching him up and so forth. I swear if I ever see her I think I'll give her a taste of her own medicine. There is never ever an excuse to do things like that to someone you love! Destroying their things is childish and cruel!

Hello,

I understand how you are feeling because I am like your girlfriend. The honest answer is yes she can change. But only with therapy and really taking the time to look at herself. The only way she can fix her problem is if she even admits she has a problem to begin with and really wanting to work on it.

Reading your rant, it doesn't seem like you are doing anything wrong but more like you are doing the best you could. The only thing you can do at this point is to give reassurance. I understand at times it seems like you are doing everything wrong but I hope you realize that, what she is doing and thinking isn't really about you. Whatever you do will already be wrong in her eyes because of her insecurities and lack of self esteem. She's probably always going to be dependent in any relationship whether if it's with or without you so don't take it so personally even though it does seem very direct.

I was in her place a while ago and it wasn't about what my boyfriend did. This kind of jealousy is probably related to how she was brought up, past relationships so only she can fix it. I know you are doing the best you could and there is only certain amounts you can take from now on. If this continues I think things are going to end sooner or later. Remember, she has to think there is a problem first and wanting to make a difference.

I hope no matter what you would be a good father and support your kids. That's all that matters for now. And you are right. You guys should be more mature now and plus when there is a child involved. It's not just about yourselves anymore. How can a kid grow up in such an unhealthy environment?

Good luck

Hello,

 

I understand how you are feeling because I am like your girlfriend. The honest answer is yes she can change. But only with therapy and really taking the time to look at herself. The only way she can fix her problem is if she even admits she has a problem to begin with and really wanting to work on it.

 

 

 

Good luck

If I may be so bold, but since you say you are like this, could you tell us what kind of therapy helps or helped you the most?

My wife has admitted that she wants help.....but in the next breath, tells me things like "If not for our son, I would have left some time ago".

She knows that she has the issue and wants to seek help. But it is hardly reassuring for me to know that she is only there for our son.

Also, I have to beg her to wear her engagement ring. She will wear her wedding band....but has no desire to wear her engagement ring.

I may be way off in my assessment of my marriage but it is almost like she feels that she is not deserving of a happy marriage and a good husband. And that she will do her best to see it fall apart. But for my sake. To save me from further pain and suffering, so to speak.

Does this sound even close to "right"? I ask you this because you say you are like the OPs girlfriend.

Just need to hear something....anything....from someone who struggles with the same issues.

Regards.

Well id just like to update my post.

Around 12 months ago, id had enough of the above behaviours, i felt like i was going to have a nervous breakdown, but about a month prior to this i noticed her getting closer and close to a colleague at work (we both work at the same place), i.e. i saw them laughing and joking with each other quite a lot, i did get a little jealous i admit, but i told myself they were my insecurities that i had to deal with, aqnd that if i made her feel awful for talking to him then i would have been as bad as her.

So back to the part where i had had enough, i thought the only way to show her im serious is if i leave, so i walked out the door and left, went to stay with my grandparents, the only message i get from her is that she needs some money she gave me back because she needs to buy a car. I give her the money and she gets a car, the first place she drives to is to meet up with him, they go for a nice drink and then have sex in a car park (shes not drunk by the way, because shes driving) i had no idea of any of this.

Anyway she begs me to come back swears shes changed etc and i think ive made my point so i go back after about a month. I then start to hear rumours at work that somethings gone on between the 2 of them, i have no proof and she denies it, saying people are just causing trouble. It turns out it wasnt just a one off theyve done it a few time, and theyve also been to a staff party and a few of the staff have gone back to his and they have ended up in the bedroom together.

Now shes justified this by saying i left her so she wasnt unfaithful to me, but i cant help the feeling that if they had have had an opportunity even when we were still together i feel they would have done something. It also seems they have been sending naked pictures of each other to each other.

It just seems like double standards, im the one whos not allowed to watch movies with attractive females, im cant see nudity, she even said when i returned if id been watching porn i had better pack my bags and leave. Yet its ok for her to sleep with someone else and send naked pictures of herself etc.

i suppose my question is, do you think its ok to sleep with someone else so soon, and am i wrong to feel hurt. She couldnt have cared less about me right?

Ive left again ive been gone around a month, this is the 3rd time ive left, i decided to put the fact that shes been with him behind me, but the old problems kept rearing there head, starting arguments with me if id seen any nudity on TV etc, so i left again, shes been begging me constantly to come back, that she really has changed etc.

Do you know something after just writing that down, am i the worlds biggest sucker or what?

Yes you are and you seem to love her a lot.

She really does need help, medical help is she on medication?

She needs and constantly craves attention and when you left she wasn't getting it from you and found it with this guy. Which I completely don't agree with.

I get the feeling she is not the only one with issues, I think her problems have dragged you down that much that you are also now dealing with insecurity and low self esteem, why else would you put up with getting treated so bad and still contemplate going back?

Based on what you said she clearly needs professional help. You may decide to leave her and that would not be a bad idea but you sort of owe it to her to make sure she understands her problem and gets proper help. It seems crazy. Some women are insecure but your womans case is extreme.

Aww man, I have been through this exact thing.. only exception is that I do not have a child with her (Thank God). I know exactly the type you speak of, Im in my mid 30's and she's in her early 30's (but sure doesn't act like it).

I should have ran at the first sign of trouble. I stayed because the sex was good, which was a stupid reason to do so. Sounds to me like you fell for the same thing. Easy to do, beauties have ways to manipulate even the strongest men of character and integrity. I did try to help her to get back on her feet. Lived with her, she drove me crazy with all the things you also speak of, Im "looking at other girls," I am cheating on her.. etc. Never cheated on her. In some ways that's a form of projection, i.e. they accuse you of what they are guilty of themselves. I got away for 9 months when she left for an ex boyfriend, only to come back to me after she ruined him for the second time. My own stupid fault really for taking her back, and THINKING THAT PEOPLE CHANGE. I honestly felt as if time away would have helped her to grow. She was less insecure I admit, however her addictive behaviours will still there, she was not working or even TRYING TO WORK, so that was a deal breaker for me. Not but 2 months after she came back, was I eagerly ready to dismiss her yet again from my home. I did so, despite her crying and cries for help. I paid for her apartment so she could get the heck out. Once again I tried to help her get back on her feet, only for her to fall flat on her face again, drive around without car insurance, gets in accident, expired tags, the whole nine yards. Get's a new boyfriend who's young, with no job, but a pain killer slinger.. perfect for her. LOL. Some people never learn... let me tell you. If she wasn't beautiful then she'd really be screwed. But, since she is, men do it for her, hence no reason for her to change. I think in some ways your situation is very similar to mine. Really in retrospect, I wish she was different.. same look, but different. Who am I to change her ? If she's not good enough for me then let someone else take care of her. After 4 years I really feel like I wasted most of my mid 30's with her, wasted a lot of my time and money. All for nothing. Well, maybe for good sex, but *** was I thinking ?? So stupid. Getting out and staying out is easier said than done. It's left me scarred, with low self esteem. Really sucks. Just gotta get out and stay out...

Good luck.

wow JT thats one hell of a rollercoaster, im glad youre out of there, i see the guilt works on you to though, as it does with me.

Im not contemplating going back at all, shes caused me to much pain and distress over the last 3 years, i mean we werent even in the relationship 2 years and we had a child when she slept with him.

I must admit if it wasnt for the fact that she'd slept with this guy from work (which is now rubbed in my face everyday) i would probably have tried again to make this work and tried to help her with her insecurities, but now i can trust her at all, and just think if the relationship gets rocky and we split will she be in a car park with her knickers around her ankles again ugh!!!

If you were a woman and she was a man everyone would be telling you to get out. Now. Classic abuse case, plus she sounds completely nuts.

I can't see both sides of the story though. I think you guys should seek counseling (make sure it's a guy, lol). If she won't, sayonara.

You have shed some light on what you go through. I am a bpd, so i can understand why she is the way she is. Through cognitive therapy i have leard that our behavious can drive people crazy. I am not saying that her actions are right and i admire you for trying to under stand this before u wanna leave. Thankyou for caring enough to understand. Jeolousy and extreme fear of abandonement is what this is about. She has probably driven away most of the guys in her past, thus increasing her fear. To a normal person these behaviours are irrational. We are so insecure and afraid to be alone tyat we act out. We expect to be the center of your world or we will not think u love us. Any little thing ignites that fear. I too have chased away many lovers. To be left creats a sense of panic and sadness to the point to where it can be disabling. I struggle with this every day and would love to over come it. My point is, she does need therapy and possibly medication or it will only get worse. She needs a form of release like yoga or painting to help her consetrate on something other than her fears. If she is willing to try these this, it might get better. If she refuses, then it will get worse. You then need to make a choise on whether or not you want to stay.

she was like this partially b/c of her insecurities and b/c that's who she is - a cheater- and she was afraid you were one too. Kind of like projection.

I am insecure but mostly b/c of my bf's past...maks me question him....slowly getting over it though.

Wow. What incredible stories. Any update OP? I really hope you are free and happy now