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Is it odd that my ex-girlfriend went straight to another relationship?


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Hi all... I wrote about my "predicament" here:

 

At the moment, I'm finding it very hard to wrap my head around the fact that my girlfriend of ten years treated me like total * * * * out of the blue, reached really deep for excuses about why we should go on a "break", wouldn't talk to me, then broke up with me and went straight into a relationship with a guy who is 13 years older than her that she's only known for maybe 6 months, and who I suspected her of "seeing" (or at least she took a liking to him) when we were together.

 

She's never had sex with anyone except me. Shortly after breaking up with me, I "caught" her (because she kept it secret from everyone) in a guesthouse with this new guy (same room with King Bed). How could she be ready, emotionally, to be having sex with another guy when just two months ago we were about to move into a house together, have kids, and get married? Now...it could be that they haven't had sex yet, but it's the intimacy that surprises me. I was the "love of her life", and I believed her, because we were together since we were 16. We've only ever had each other. How is she ready, emotionally, to do what she's doing? I mean, I wouldn't even be able to kiss another woman right now... How can she be doing this? I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions, and especially from people who finished a long, meaningful, important, committed relationship...and then went into another fairly soon after, or went straight into it...

 

Thanks.

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In long relationships, many times the dumper has been thinking about it for a while and when it finally happens they don't feel devastation, they feel relief. I've had that experience, and dated someone shortly after the end of a long committed relationship. It ended up being a real committed relationship and not a fling. I was just finished with the other one and I was ready to move on.

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What was she hanging around for? Surely she wouldn't be looking for houses with me up until May 26th, and planning our future together, and then start this all of a sudden... Was she just hanging in there? When she asked for the "break" she said it was because she was annoyed at me for certain things and that she DIDN'T want to break up... It's all just nuts.

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She might have been undecided about leaving, she might not have been ready to leave, she might have felt guilty for leaving, she might have been getting up the courage to end a long serious relationship. It's impossible to know why she did it that way, but the longer the relationship, the harder it is to end it.

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Sounds like she distanced herself emotionally from you before the actual break-up so that's what allowed her to move on to another guy more quickly.

 

This has actually happened to me. I didn't meet the next boyfriend until AFTER the break up but I was emotionally distancing myself from the guy while I was with him. I wasn't flirting with any other guys or anything, or even going out more! I was just not telling him all of my own personal thoughts and feelings, and even mundane experiences through the day ("Hey I learned this in class today..." or "Hey, I went to the store today and bought..."), because he had been so emotional and kept blowing up at me for everything. This is what led me to move apart from him so when I actually left (not too long afterward) he was the one who was devastated and I was sad but mostly relieved.

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If she wanted it to work, wouldn't she NOT distance herself emotionally? I mean, she always said that I was the most important person to her, and that the relationship meant everything... If I felt that I was distancing myself emotionally from my girlfriend, I'd immediately start working on it... If you knew this girl the way I know her, this is VERY odd behavior... To be with a guy so soon, I can't wrap my head around that...

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If I felt that I was distancing myself emotionally from my girlfriend, I'd immediately start working on it...

 

No, the distancing is what happens in your head once you start thinking of breaking up. It's not a problem to be solved, rather it's just a natural reaction/symptom of someone thinking about or deciding to end things. If that makes sense?

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Well, to be honest, I think she was probably flirting with and "emotionally cheating" if you want to put it that way, with him, before she broke it off with you.

 

I don't think she wanted it to work. Her behaviour is not consistent with someone who would want to make things work.

 

I distanced myself from the ex I mentioned because I DIDN'T want to be with him. I have felt distant before in relationships and worked to get things back on track because I WANTED to stay with them. With that ex, no way. He was just going loco and I knew I'd have to bolt in time because I couldn't handle the crazies anymore.

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Ah man welcome to the club. Here some advice that my grand parents, parents, friends, and people on the forum have told me. Just let her go. Or should I say just let "it all" go. She has already made her decision and your still wondering about "why". I was like that and it got me no where. Best to disconnect and found yourself and not worry about it. Let the healing process begin.

 

C

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After the break and break up she took days off work where she would just lie in bed and cry. According to her dad, she was very upset. She didn't give herself time to heal and just went straight into this relationship (I don't think they're actually IN a relationship, they're just getting to know each other I think, it might develop into a committed relationship, but I've heard through the grapevine that she is hesitant about the huge age gap). And I think she is using this guy, in a way, to feel good about herself and distract herself, because the pain of the break up was a lot to take. I don't think repressing feelings and emotions (she was so cold to me) is a good thing for her, for me, or the new guy.

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I don't think she wanted it to work. Her behaviour is not consistent with someone who would want to make things work.

 

Yeah, you're probably right. If she wanted it to work, she'd try to make it work. I know the new guy was there at the time, but also in a letter she wrote she said that she "didn't want it to come to this but it has" because of my "actions". She was trying to get me to think that because I approached her for answers and for discussion after she asked for space, that that was the reason for the actual "break up". She really didn't want ANYONE to know about this new guy and no one would know if it wasn't for me knowing that something wasn't quite right with her reasons for breaking up and investigating further... After the break up she said that we should just live our separate lives for a "while". I'd like to think that she wasn't planning on having a fling for a while with this guy (grass is greener) to see how life was and then knowing that I'd be there as a sure thing if things didn't work out... Now that she knows that I know about them, I think this will make her work harder on this new relationship (if it develops into that) because if things don't work out with this guy (and personally I think all of the cards are stacked against them), then she probably figures that she's screwed... So it helps her to portray me to her friends in a negative light now and to completely block me out...

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I don't think repressing feelings and emotions (she was so cold to me) is a good thing for her, for me, or the new guy.

 

I don't know about this. If it's over, it's possible to be VERY sad about it but it doesn't require her to vent all of her emotions to you when you aren't together anymore. I totally get how you feel in this sitch, but you can't help her or reason your way out of this breakup or make her see her error, you know?

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NGB:

 

What is all this snooping going to solve for you? A worse broken heart? Trust me on this the more you spend thinking about her decisions the more you are wasting your time. I can tell you really cared about this girl but thinking about it 24/7 is not going to fix the problem. Who gives a crap if her friends look at you at a different light, You are you they don't know you and they probably wont care a year from now. Disconnect from this whole situation and focus on what the heck you want in your life that dosen't involve your ex. You might be surprised when your head clears.

 

 

I know it really hard right now for you but trust me the less you know the better. The less you care the better and the sooner you being healing the better.

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The strangest thing happened to me about 30 mins ago. I would consider my ex-gf (the ten year relationship) my first and true love. I'm just off the phone with a girl who I met when I was about 14 and we haven't seen each other since we were like 15, 16. She asked to meet up. She was the first girl who I fell for (it was more lust than love, but at the time I thought I loved her). Life is strange. Did NOT expect that. We just connected through Facebook after 12 years. This is too odd.

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NGB be careful. You're in a rough place right now and you could very easily idealize this woman you haven't seen in ages because you believe she's been brought into your life by fate.

 

Absolutely on the money there... It was just nice to hear from her. She commented on a few of my pictures on Facebook. "That's a nice pic of you. XX" etc etc... I don't think that's necessarily flirting... We got chatting on Facebook chat and her third reply was "Are you for real it has not been 12 yrs . Im great tnks. Would love to meet up if you want ? xx" Then she asked for my number and we talked for 30 mins.

 

Holy crap. I know she just wants to meet for a chat and coffee, and me too, but this is not the time when I want to be thinking of two women at the same time and all that goes with it... It's too strange that it's all happening at the same time. I was literally dreaming of this girl recently... I actually don't believe in 'fate', and I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but this is a lot to take at the same time...

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I can tell you right now, your situation isnt unique. I went through the exact same thing. We were together 2 years, but everything else is just as you described. Heard sooooo much of the promises, excuses, "i loves yous", etc. I also suspected something was going on with a "friend" of hers she knew for only a few short months. When it all came down to it, she cheated on me, wanted forgiveness, got it and said she wants to move on. As soon as she left me she was in a relationship with this "friend" she kept saying she had no feelings for. To this day, 8 weeks after breakup, she texts me once ina while and i havent once yet replied. Point is though, i am in the same boat as you. She always told me if we evr broke up she would die, i was her one and only, her heart belonged to me, how people who break up and get into new relationships right away shows that they didnt care about your relationship so she would be out of the game for years. Well somehow she got into a relationship with this other guy before leaving me, lied, cheated, betrayed, etc. I also cant get the thought of being with another woman, while shes already hugginh, kissing, gifts, lovey dovey deal. I just dont get it at all. Either he is a rebound or our relationship really didnt mean much to her after all.

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NGB,

 

You're going through a lot lately and I would seriously consider postponing the coffee date with the Facebook girl. Please. I know you don't think it's "Fate" but when we are going through a hard and trying time emotionally, we sometimes end up getting very close very quickly to new people. This can backfire a lot and make you feel even worse. Also, even if she's a "potential date", it's not a good idea to go out with her for coffee during a time where you're dealing with the FRESH breakup of a LTR.

 

Please, have a good think about this.

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NGB,

 

You're going through a lot lately and I would seriously consider postponing the coffee date with the Facebook girl. Please. I know you don't think it's "Fate" but when we are going through a hard and trying time emotionally, we sometimes end up getting very close very quickly to new people. This can backfire a lot and make you feel even worse. Also, even if she's a "potential date", it's not a good idea to go out with her for coffee during a time where you're dealing with the FRESH breakup of a LTR.

 

Please, have a good think about this.

 

I agree with Fudgie. If you do have any involvement with this new girl, please be honest with her. Too many hurt people go out and hurt others in their attempts to get over exes. It's not right and will probably not make you feel any better.

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Ya man I hear ya and while my last relationship wasn't nearly as long as yours it had all the same elements. She treated me like dirt post breakup,cheated on me and went into a relationship really quickly after she broke up with me, and did this after we had just moved in together and lived with each other for 4 weeks. All I can say is that it seems like girls don't leave relationships until they have another one lined up. So it's not uncommon for them to jump right into another one. And like others have said she was probably thinking about this for awhile. All I can say is stay NC and don't be her backup guy. If stuff falls through with this guy she could come crawling back but don't be her go to backup plan. Keep moving forward and find someone else who won't do that to you.

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When this happens is there no way back in most cases?

 

I remember the counsellor I used to see saying so. I guess that's her opinion - maybe it was said to stop me living in the past - or maybe it's true in the most part.

 

It's not a great sign though is it? Happened in my case. I coulda woulda shoulda but not a lot I can do about it now. Except learn from it.

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I remember the counsellor I used to see saying so. I guess that's her opinion - maybe it was said to stop me living in the past - or maybe it's true in the most part.

 

It's not a great sign though is it? Happened in my case. I coulda woulda shoulda but not a lot I can do about it now. Except learn from it.

 

Yeah, it happened to me too. I've been healing OK but I relapsed a few days back and I'm back to pining for her even though she hasn't contacted me in over a month, a sign that she doesn't wanna open any lines of communication.

 

I still maintain that yes, a break needed to happen for us to sort our heads out, but not a break up. She told my mum "she didn't mean for it to go that far"... So I reckon she realised that since she had done the hard work (initiating the break) she may as well completely end it.

 

Like you, I'm shoulda coulda woulda x infinity.

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