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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by magnoliatree View Post
    I agree with Fudgie. If you do have any involvement with this new girl, please be honest with her. Too many hurt people go out and hurt others in their attempts to get over exes. It's not right and will probably not make you feel any better.
    Totally agree. She's just an old friend/love interest who has suddenly come back into my life with a bang and I'm totally not ready for that. I wouldn't do what my ex-gf did by going into a relationship or being intimate with another guy straight away... I would have to be very emotionally removed from my ex-gf (which I'm not) and I'd have to be repressing various feelings...

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by motleylou View Post
    All I can say is that it seems like girls don't leave relationships until they have another one lined up. So it's not uncommon for them to jump right into another one. And like others have said she was probably thinking about this for awhile. All I can say is stay NC and don't be her backup guy. If stuff falls through with this guy she could come crawling back but don't be her go to backup plan. Keep moving forward and find someone else who won't do that to you.
    The odd thing is that when asked for a break, she said that she didn't want to break up. I asked her was she just letting me down softly (soft speak) and she said "No". I told her that I knew that she knew that because she didn't give me a lot of info that I'd have to keep contacting her to try to figure out what was going on in her head, and I told her that I feared that she was going to use this "not giving me my space" BS as a reason to break up. She denied that, and then a month later, she was using that pretty much as the excuse for the break up. It was all because of my "actions".

    Yeah, she said that things weren't good for a while (she said this post break up), but didn't go into details about what was wrong in particular, and why she didn't want to work on it. She said that she didn't want to work on it "now", but that we'd grow back together after we lived our separate lives for a while. As I've said, I knew something was up, and then found out about this guy... and I was NOT supposed to know about this guy... And now she's really pissed... (deflecting guilt)

    I'm totally NO CONTACT - don't think I'd bother with her again, but there's definitely feelings still there. I won't be used as a backup (which might have been her plan). Strange that someone would do that to the love of their life...

    My ex-gf knows that no one knows her as well as I do, and no one understands her as well as I do. I was with her before she had breasts! Back when she had braces, and would sneak out of the house to see me... Ah, those were the days... Things change...

    "If stuff falls through with this guy she could come crawling back"

    I'd be 90% certain that things are not going to work with this new guy, and that's not just wishful thinking... Will she come back, or make contact? Maybe, but I wouldn't say that will be for some time... if at all... although, it's hard, I'm sure, for her to erase thoughts of "us" from her memory this quickly... and if she's on her own, who knows what she'll do... If she does come back or make contact, she has a lot of explaining and apologizing to do...

  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by lemsip View Post
    I still maintain that yes, a break needed to happen for us to sort our heads out, but not a break up. She told my mum "she didn't mean for it to go that far"... So I reckon she realised that since she had done the hard work (initiating the break) she may as well completely end it.
    When she asked for a break, I told her that I think we should work on things now rather than spend time apart and that if she loved me she'd want to work on things and not wait. She said that if I can't give her space or "headroom" that we might as well just end it "for now". It was definitely hard work for her to initiate the break (and very brave of her as well). She said to me, in a letter, post break-up that she "didn't want it to come to this, but it has". Well, if she didn't want it to come to this, then it wouldn't have come to this. She is the one who did it, not me. Of course, she acted on the temptation to try things with this new guy, which is unforgivable... But that was supposed to be a secret. All hail Facebook...

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mellie View Post
    I find it particularly irritating because, with the "benefit" of hindsight (I hate hindsight!), you can see that all the signs were there. At the time you brush off this little niggly feeling that something may not quite be right because you think it's you being needy and insecure but... I'm not even sure what happened with mine. I knew something was up over the past few months, asked about it a few times, and was told noooooo, noooooo, everything's fine. I just find it hard to reconcile the fact that someone can lie like that against the fact they were telling you they love you at the same time. Was that a lie too? Were they lying all the while? How long for? Could you have done anything? It does make you feel kind of stupid. It just goes round and round and the bit I'm struggling to come to terms with is the fact there'll never be any answers. Maybe if I got them, I wouldn't want them. Probably.

    But how good would it be to be with someone and be all loved up without the crappy niggly feelings? I'm thinking pretty damned good.

    Just need to stop going off the chart making up my own explanations and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    Sorry, OP. I went completely off topic. Is it odd as in uncommon? No. But neither is alcohol abuse. Doesn't make it a good idea. Even if you left it a year after the breakup, you'd still be carrying a certain amount of baggage. Diving from one to the next, well, it's a recipe for a collossal * * * * up. I've done it. I mean, after a semi respectful gap - a couple of months at least. But no way was I ready for the next relationship emotionally. I was just scared of being on my own. It's like having blinding headaches and instead of going to the docs to deal with the cause, just necking painkillers and pretending you're ok. Emotions have a nasty habbit of catching up with you eventually though. There isn't really any place to hide.
    Yeah, when I asked her what was wrong and she kept saying everything was alright, it might have been because she was fighting it, and knew that if she said anything, she might have been afraid that I'd leave (I doubt she thought that, but it's a possibility), or she might have thought that saying anything would hurt the relationship before she had made up her mind to end it. I guess she was conflicted. But she should have talked to me about things - that's the promise we made. And that promise is just as important, in my view, as saying "I do" on an altar.

    Her father thinks that she's being an "* * * * * * * " and that he's worried about her because they're not really talking at home now, and that he thinks this is going to end badly for her. I fear that too, and wish I could help her or talk to her, but I just have to let her make her own mistakes I guess. You have to remember that she's only ever been in a relationship with me, from the time she was 16. She's very naive (the new guy is 39 this year; I thought he was only 37 before, but no he's 39), and she's very inexperienced. I'd like to think that this new guy is not just trying to get her in the sack. They don't know each other that long, and he knows that she's vulnerable. I know that he's buttering her up and telling her everything that she wants to hear right now. Also, her old friend (about 25 years old) got with a 40 year old man a few years back, and has a kid with him now, and when my ex heard about that she thought it was "weird"... Kind of ironic, wouldn't you agree?

    As for emotions and their habit of catching up on you: my ex-gf kept everything bottled up inside her and then made a fatal mistake and went off the rails.. She's repressing emotions right now that she's going to have to face one way or another...perhaps it will hit her on her birthday in a few weeks time when I don't call her (we used to speak at the stroke of midnight every year, on both of our birthdays), or perhaps over Christmas, when I don't show up with a sack full of gifts that morning. Or when (if) she's being intimate with this new guy, and he doesn't hold her the way that I used to... Little things like that... That's what you miss...

  5. #35
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    Thanks, mtom12 - yeah, I'm totally baffled by how she was so callous and cold towards me.

  6. #36
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    Sounds like a few of us been here. The dumper moves on in thier head so it seems normal to move into another quickly whereas the dumpee, you and me, feels it like a bolt out of the blue and it hurts so bad. i am 10 weeks into this and the hurt still here, bets best as per lots of advice on here is to distance yourslef as much as pss, be strong and try to show it doesnt matter, dont endorse the new relationship etc etc. Loads of good advice one here and whilst lots easier said than done try to follow the advice

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by mynameishope View Post
    Hi Nevergoingback,

    I did what your ex gf did with an old college bf and want to give you my perspective...

    We met right out of high school, we clicked, fell in love and went through college together. In our last year of college we started fighting but we thought our bond was too strong to let any fights get in the way. Then the fights got uglier. He became verbally abusive like his dad. I started cursing too, then we both started raising out voices. Then we stopped trusting each other and then one day my love for him died.

    He hurt me so much, our trust was so broken it could never be fixed. I resented him. We stopped being intimate with each other. He became sloppy, lazy and messy. I resented him even more. We practically became room mates. I handled it for a year, mostly because he had no where to go and couldn't afford rent. One day I lost my patience because he was still giving me hell everyday for everything I did.

    As soon as the rent period was up, I moved out and broke up with him. Little did he know that in my heart, I had broken up with him a year ago. I had no love for him, only resentment. When I broke up with him he started sobbing and begged me to give me another chance (the millionth one). He was hurting so bad it broke me and I started sobbing too and apologizing for hurting him like that. It confused him as much as your ex's pain confuses you. I didn't love him but I did at one point in my life. At one point he meant everything to me. I couldn't see someone I cared about for so long hurt so much and it almost broke me. I quickly moved out so I wouldn't have to see him and never answered his calls so I wouldn't have to hear him cry. After a few days I pulled myself together and started dating an amazing guy who I just met and we clicked instantly. It wasn't a rebound because my feelings for my ex were gone, there was absolutely nothing left but resentment.

    I'm not saying you and your ex broke up for the same reasons but like someone else mentioned, she did "check out" of the relationship a long time ago. I think she's already over it. I always thought it was weird that my ex didn't see it coming.
    I guess there's some similarities there alright. We didn't really fight over the years at all, and we both thought it was a perfect relationship, up until recently anyway... She would get annoyed when I'd "snap" at her (which was an exaggeration on her part, but still it's important because that's how she felt). I'd also get annoyed when she'd snap at me, but it wasn't a big enough problem to bother me too much.

    After our "break", she said that she hasn't fallen out of love, and just needs some "headroom". I would like to think that this was true, otherwise she lied the whole time. I honestly think it was a bump on the road, that got worse and worse over the course of the short break, and that the new guy coming into the picture certainly didn't help matters because she saw that moving on was possible... Y'see, the new guy was a secret, because she was just testing the waters with him, I think. The official reason for the break up, according to her, are my "actions" - which is ridiculous, because anyone in my shoes would have done the same thing; they would HAVE to do the same thing and approach her for clarity (after all, ten years is a long time). She made a terrible mistake, and I know for a fact that she's going to realize this soon... I think she doesn't know what the hell she wants...

    Who's the "amazing guy" that you started to see just days after breaking up with your ex? And how long were you going out with your ex for? You were able to be intimate with another guy, how? I know you say that your feelings for him were gone and that you resented him. I just find that extraordinary... Would you describe your relationship as abusive? Because you said that he was giving you "hell everyday for everything you did". There was nothing like that in my relationship...

  8. #38
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    NGB, I was (am) in a very similar situation although you have a bunch of years on my ex and I. PM me if you'd like to discuss tips to make it through each day. I know how it feels, it's the most confusing/bewildering feeling in the world to think of someone you love with all your heart as someone who is inconsiderate and uncaring.

    First and foremost, no new contact=no new pain. I've lived by that and it's true no matter how you slice it.

    Second, it's not the sunniest advice but you need to remind yourself that no matter what connection you have or what you've shared, your ex is still another person, with her own thoughts, actions and beliefs...this is all her doing, no matter what you believe you may or may not have done to bring it about...it's all her decision, you didn't make her do anything. Let her live with her actions.

  9. #39
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    After the "guesthouse" incident (see original post for details), when I confronted them, she sent me an e-mail denying everything... If she's moved on, why did she send me the defensive e-mail denying everything?

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by mynameishope View Post
    Hi Nevergoingback,

    I did what your ex gf did with an old college bf and want to give you my perspective...

    We met right out of high school, we clicked, fell in love and went through college together. In our last year of college we started fighting but we thought our bond was too strong to let any fights get in the way. Then the fights got uglier. He became verbally abusive like his dad. I started cursing too, then we both started raising out voices. Then we stopped trusting each other and then one day my love for him died.

    He hurt me so much, our trust was so broken it could never be fixed. I resented him. We stopped being intimate with each other. He became sloppy, lazy and messy. I resented him even more. We practically became room mates. I handled it for a year, mostly because he had no where to go and couldn't afford rent. One day I lost my patience because he was still giving me hell everyday for everything I did.

    As soon as the rent period was up, I moved out and broke up with him. Little did he know that in my heart, I had broken up with him a year ago. I had no love for him, only resentment. When I broke up with him he started sobbing and begged me to give me another chance (the millionth one). He was hurting so bad it broke me and I started sobbing too and apologizing for hurting him like that. It confused him as much as your ex's pain confuses you. I didn't love him but I did at one point in my life. At one point he meant everything to me. I couldn't see someone I cared about for so long hurt so much and it almost broke me. I quickly moved out so I wouldn't have to see him and never answered his calls so I wouldn't have to hear him cry. After a few days I pulled myself together and started dating an amazing guy who I just met and we clicked instantly. It wasn't a rebound because my feelings for my ex were gone, there was absolutely nothing left but resentment.

    I'm not saying you and your ex broke up for the same reasons but like someone else mentioned, she did "check out" of the relationship a long time ago. I think she's already over it. I always thought it was weird that my ex didn't see it coming.
    Id say he saw it coming, most people see it, they just don't do anything (or can't do anything) to stop it.

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