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He doesnt want to lead me on?????


Kuite09

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Hey ENA,

 

Ive posted a couple of threads before and wanted to ask "the guys" something.

 

My ex of 7 yrs told me he has been wanted to call but doesnt because he knows the break up hurt me a lot and he doesnt want to lead me on. When he stated he doesnt want to lead me on it made me feel like hes really trying to move on? but yet during the same phone call convo he tells me the feelings are still there and that he doesnt want to burn his bridges with me becuz our history of 7 yrs and becuz he loves me and cares for me.

Its been limited contact since memorial weekend which is when i decided to stop contacting him due to drama on my end etc. I have reached out to him by text and he always replys and answers my calls.

 

How should I take this?

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When someone says that they don't want to lead you on, it means: I care about you and I'd like to talk to you, but I don't want to give you the wrong idea or hope because I don't want to be with you.

 

I think you should go NC.

 

Magnoliatree,

I have been NC since that day we spoke on the phone which was 2 weeks ago.

The reason he called is becuz I sent him a card for the date we met 7 yrs ago, and he called to say thanks we have a non-drama convo but yes he did tell me that.

He also knows what I want and a couple of weeks back I text him with the following...

 

Me- No matter what i will aways love you

him- I feel the same too, always.

 

Then the next day he sent another text saying: Thanks for the text it meant a lot to me and then I wrote back you are welcome and hope one day things can be different and he said: Maybe one day it can and I miss you.

 

So we've had limited positive drama free contact but since the day he told me he doesnt want to lead me on I decided to stop contact and if he wants he can contact me.

 

At least hes being mature and respecting how I feel.

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How long ago was the breakup? How long has he not been in contact with you?

We broke up in March but stayed in contact becuase he was there for me due to family issues in March and April and in May i started the nagging, begging process which didn't help at all then i got hurt my foot and he went to the hospital with me and took me home and took care of me which was memorial weekend and that next day i started again with the begging and whys and I decided to go no contact.

Since then he hasnt not made any attemps, I texted him 3 times and all 3 times I got a reply. One day I told him I missed his voice and he said i'll call you in a few so we can chat and he did and then the 2nd time we spoke it was becase I sent him a card on the date we met 7 yrs ago and he called to say thanks and we spoke for 30min or so.

 

I know this man loves and cares but i guess he just got tired of my b.s.

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So we've had limited positive drama free contact but since the day he told me he doesnt want to lead me on I decided to stop contact and if he wants he can contact me.

 

 

Good!! Keep up with the no contact. No more cards, no more missing yous, no more nothing. Some may disagree with me, but doing those things can feel pushy and can eventually come off as slightly drama-y and/or negative to others. So good job on going NC and stay strong!!

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Good!! Keep up with the no contact. No more cards, no more missing yous, no more nothing. Some may disagree with me, but doing those things can feel pushy and can eventually come off as slightly drama-y and/or negative to others. So good job on going NC and stay strong!!

 

Yea i know. I already did my moves and if anything its up to him to make a move.

He did state who knows maybe one day i'll surprise you unexpected with a lil something (not sure why he even said that)

 

Like he said he already knows how I feel and ive stated in 2 occasion that I hope one day things can be different between us.

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Yeah, the card was waaaaay too much. He is being nice about things for sure, but you kind of have to let yourself understand that words mean nothing. If he wanted you/felt like you did/loved you then he would make an effort to come back. I know how tempting/comforting it can be to read in to what he's saying but it really is just prolonging the inevitable.

 

NC from now on, no cards, no msgs, its been almost 5 months since the BU. Time to start really moving on.

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Yeah, the card was waaaaay too much. He is being nice about things for sure, but you kind of have to let yourself understand that words mean nothing. If he wanted you/felt like you did/loved you then he would make an effort to come back. I know how tempting/comforting it can be to read in to what he's saying but it really is just prolonging the inevitable.

 

NC from now on, no cards, no msgs, its been almost 5 months since the BU. Time to start really moving on.

 

I know the card was way too much but atleast he called and spoke to me and was cool about it.

He said it meant a lot tohim just like the text I sent him a couple of weeks back.

I know I need to go NC from now on and I have.

 

That day we spoke he told me so much but once he said he didnt want to lead me on it just made me wonder a whole lot.

That day he stated that he doesnt think about the bad memories anymore and that he only thinks of the good times becuase if one day things are to change for the good he wants us to start with those good memories not the bad ones.

 

Yes its been 5 months but I don't consider it that long becuase a week after our break up my grandpa passed and he was there for me the whole time then my neice was hospitalized and he was there too. We cut most contact in the month of May.

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You have to stop replaying what he's said to you and trying to suss out meaning from it. If he's a nice guy, and it sounds like he is, he is going to say nice things to you because he doesn't want to be a jerk. Going through his words over and over is going to drive you crazy and hurt your chances of moving on.

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You have to stop replaying what he's said to you and trying to suss out meaning from it. If he's a nice guy, and it sounds like he is, he is going to say nice things to you because he doesn't want to be a jerk. Going through his words over and over is going to drive you crazy and hurt your chances of moving on.

 

Yea I know and your right I guess I just still want to have that bit of hope.

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You have to let it go. After everything he's done for you, you are still no closer to reconciliation. IMHO he's a little too nice. The most effective goodbye's are the ones that are never said. He's trying to let you down easily and look what its doing to you? 5 months and you have made almost zero progress towards forgetting him.

 

What is best for you? I became disgusted with myself after 3 months of pining/wondering and cut her out of my life completely. Yeah, it feels like day 1 all over again but at least now progress can be made.

 

Stick up for yourself, with yourself (if that makes sense.) Time for tough love: nobody knows what the future holds, but as long as you hold on to the past he has no reason to believe things will be any different. You broke up for a reason.

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You have to let it go. After everything he's done for you, you are still no closer to reconciliation. IMHO he's a little too nice. The most effective goodbye's are the ones that are never said. He's trying to let you down easily and look what its doing to you? 5 months and you have made almost zero progress towards forgetting him.

 

What is best for you? I became disgusted with myself after 3 months of pining/wondering and cut her out of my life completely. Yeah, it feels like day 1 all over again but at least now progress can be made.

 

Stick up for yourself, with yourself (if that makes sense.) Time for tough love: nobody knows what the future holds, but as long as you hold on to the past he has no reason to believe things will be any different. You broke up for a reason.

Ugh, Yea I know I need to let go.

I guess I just felt due to our strong feelings that we will get thru anything like we have before.

This is our 2nd break up are first one was back in 2007 and we were apart for about a year.

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I know this man loves and cares but i guess he just got tired of my b.s.

 

What BS?

 

You have to stop replaying what he's said to you and trying to suss out meaning from it. If he's a nice guy, and it sounds like he is, he is going to say nice things to you because he doesn't want to be a jerk. Going through his words over and over is going to drive you crazy and hurt your chances of moving on.

 

I agree ... it's going to drive you nuts.

 

You have to let it go. After everything he's done for you, you are still no closer to reconciliation. IMHO he's a little too nice. The most effective goodbye's are the ones that are never said. He's trying to let you down easily and look what its doing to you? 5 months and you have made almost zero progress towards forgetting him.

 

Time for tough love: nobody knows what the future holds, but as long as you hold on to the past he has no reason to believe things will be any different. You broke up for a reason.

 

Agree with this too. I think his niceness is giving you false hope.

 

You mentioned that you broke up before for a year. That's a good thing and bad thing. Bad in that it indicates some fundamental problems in the relationship (unless the breakup was for reasons out of your control like moving.) Good because you did get back together after a year. Let's say perhaps the same thing happens and you get back together after a lot of distance. The best thing you can do now is to let go, relax, heal, and focus on your other goals in life.

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I am trying to focus on me and my life goals, matter of fact I am closing on my first home this Tuesday and he knows its something that i been wanting so bad but I can't even talk to him about and share my happy moment with him.

Hes seen me looking and stress out to find the right first home for me.

The relationship was not perfect but we had a lot of love and the love is what made him stick out for several months after he caught me a couple of times texting some other guy.

He stuck it out and told me we'll get over that bump and we'll be happy again but I guess the problems continued and contiued. He never said he fell out of love for me but he did get tired of trying and his urge to keep trying was slowing giving up on him. Till this day he still says he loves me and that im the love of his life.

I just wish i knew that maybe there could be some hope left for us to workout.

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Why were you texting some other guy?

 

I wouldn't worry so much about the post-break up communication as the relationship and the relationship quality. How old are you both?

 

I was texting someone I met during the time we were both broken up the first time.

Im 28 and hes 35.

Yes we had some issues but we were deeply cared for each other and had love.

We always had that passion that we will get thru anything together and it was always very hard for him to be distant from me but I guess now thats a little different.

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But do you really want to put your life on hold for a YEAR just in case you two get back together? And if you cared about him so much and it was soo perfect why were you texting some other man???

 

A person can love someone but find them utterly exhausting and decide that for their own best interests they can't be in a relationship because it's not healthy. Maybe you two just aren't a good match despite the love - you've been at it a long time and keep struggling with the same problems.

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But do you really want to put your life on hold for a YEAR just in case you two get back together? And if you cared about him so much and it was soo perfect why were you texting some other man???

 

A person can love someone but find them utterly exhausting and decide that for their own best interests they can't be in a relationship because it's not healthy. Maybe you two just aren't a good match despite the love - you've been at it a long time and keep struggling with the same problems.

 

Of course I don't want to put my life on hold, Ive been hangout and doing things but I always think of him.

Ive come to that conclusion that you can love somone but not neccesarly be with them. Yes, we've been at it for a long time but I guess the past yr or so we just thought it was a bit rocky but we'll get over it.

When we broke up last time he distant himself but eventually came around when I was already over the break up.

 

I would understand if he told me I don't see us ever working out again or that I don't love you anymore and I'll get it but he doesn't say that he tells me you never know what the future holds and remember its 7 yrs not 7 weeks and we had something special at one point.

So the last thing I want to do is burn my bridges with someone that means so much to me.

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I would understand if he told me I don't see us ever working out again or that I don't love you anymore and I'll get it but he doesn't say that he tells me you never know what the future holds and remember its 7 yrs not 7 weeks and we had something special at one point.

So the last thing I want to do is burn my bridges with someone that means so much to me.

 

He doesn't say those things because he is trying to be nice. It's pretty rare for someone to tell the person that they just dumped: I don't want to see you ever again, there is not chance, have a nice life! It doesn't happen, especially when nice people are involved and the things he has said are the things that everyone hears during a breakup.

 

But if you had a rocky YEAR, were texting other men, already broke up for a year in the past - the good things are pretty long gone and it's likely he thought about this a lot before pulling the trigger. To be honest, this just doesn't sound like a very good relationship (at least judging from the things that you've told us).

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He doesn't say those things because he is trying to be nice. It's pretty rare for someone to tell the person that they just dumped: I don't want to see you ever again, there is not chance, have a nice life! It doesn't happen, especially when nice people are involved and the things he has said are the things that everyone hears during a breakup.

 

But if you had a rocky YEAR, were texting other men, already broke up for a year in the past - the good things are pretty long gone and it's likely he thought about this a lot before pulling the trigger. To be honest, this just doesn't sound like a very good relationship (at least judging from the things that you've told us).

 

He told me all this about who knows wat the future holds right after the break up and even 2 weeks ago when we last spoke we been apart for a few months.

The relationship wasnt always great but we did have our great memories and moments. Im just a very stubborn, hot headed persn when hes more laid back and mellow.

I never said it was perfect and him I know it was never perfect but we truly did love each other.

Hes a very emotional person and thats one thing I loved about him that no matter what argument we had we never went to sleep upset at each other and all he would say is I don't want to argue with you anymore I love you and care for you too much.

In March he told me that during this break up he hasnt had a chance to step back and have space to realize if this is what he wants to do for the rest of his life.

He does want marriage and wants the same things I do and to a large degree he still wants all that with me but me being pushy and wanting things my way all the time doesnt help our situation.

Even though he told me that in March we are already in the end of July and I think hes gotten to the point that hes just grew out of the relationship and is done dealing with everything.

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But if you had a rocky YEAR, were texting other men, already broke up for a year in the past - the good things are pretty long gone and it's likely he thought about this a lot before pulling the trigger. To be honest, this just doesn't sound like a very good relationship (at least judging from the things that you've told us).

 

I would have to agree that the relationship does not sound very good from what you have described.

 

The relationship wasnt always great but we did have our great memories and moments. Im just a very stubborn, hot headed persn when hes more laid back and mellow.

I never said it was perfect and him I know it was never perfect but we truly did love each other.

Hes a very emotional person and thats one thing I loved about him that no matter what argument we had we never went to sleep upset at each other and all he would say is I don't want to argue with you anymore I love you and care for you too much.

In March he told me that during this break up he hasnt had a chance to step back and have space to realize if this is what he wants to do for the rest of his life.

He does want marriage and wants the same things I do and to a large degree he still wants all that with me but me being pushy and wanting things my way all the time doesnt help our situation.

Even though he told me that in March we are already in the end of July and I think hes gotten to the point that hes just grew out of the relationship and is done dealing with everything.

 

Kuite, I think there are a few issues here.

 

One, I don't think your idea of a healhy relationship maches his idea of a healthy relationship. I'm not saying this to judge you, but I'm saying it sounds like he needs a peaceful, happy, emotionally connected, drama-free companionate type of relationship. With you being a more firey, passionate, openly argumentative relationship. People enjoy the high conflict "crazy love" for a long time because it's so addicting. But men usually grow up and settle down to what they "need" in a relationship and not what they "want": faithfulness, reliability, companionship, friendship, peace.

 

Two, "ups and downs" and lots of conflict are actually dangerous to a man's health. There is a study that measured the blood pressure of men and women during arguments. Basically in an argument that doesn't even look too bad to observers, the men had blood pressure readings that went through the roof. Stress, though it doesn't show on their faces, affects them physically MUCH more than women. That's why they need to "escape" during or right after a fight. Mostly it's to calm down.

 

Three, passionate love does not make up for a rocky relationship. I think you need to ask yourself one question: can you be in a relationship with him with absoluely no drama? No more fighting. No more talking to other men at all. No more questioning him. No more pushing for marriage. No more drama. Can you do that?

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Darcy,

I understand where you are coming from about me being firey and passionate but he has his lil temper too and Im just the type that I don't let go of this and I keep on and on.

He knows that I am a very great hearted,sweet, kind person and he loves that about me.

I will give the world to you if you need me too and he knows it

 

There is a age difference I met him very young I was 21 and he was 29 and now I am 28 and hes turning 36 next month. I have been thru a lot the past months due to our break up, my grandpa passing and lil neice being hospitalized and its made me realize a lot of changes I need to make.

Can I be with him with no drama? of course. no fighting? of course and the pushing for marriage was just the past year because before that it was always him bringing it up.

This man fell in love with me very quick and before I did but I did fall in love hard with him too.

I know hes a peaceful person and he wants reliability and companionship and I am not going to sit here and say we never had that or I never gave him that because right now if he needs me for whatever he knows he can count on me.

 

Last time we broke up we said in contact and we never went NC and he always said maybe if we did go NC we wouldve gotten back more stronger.

 

One of the last time we spoke hes asked what has this time apart made me realize and I told him #1 that I need to change a lot of ways and I did a few things really wrong and #2 it made me realize i shouldnt appriciate what I had before I lost it, his reponse was: the same goes for me or actually both of us we couldve appriciated each other more.

 

What im gettng at is that i love this man and i don't want to lose him but i am so scared that i really have this time.

Tomorrow would've been our anniverary

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