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  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Leeds, United Kingdom
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    1
    Gender
    Female

    He doesnt care so why doesnt he break up with me??

    Hello,

    Iím new so please be nice, I have been reading this forum for a few weeks but only today decided to write and ask for advice.

    I have been in a 4month relationship (I know itís not long), the guy is 21years old and has been screwing with my head.

    Basically the start of the relationship was great, he doesnít like talking on the phone but we used to text a lot. He works nights 10pm till 6am and would always text me at least once to during the night and always wanted to meet me during the week. He would go out of his way to stay in contact however he's an introvert with a really bad temper, someone who does not tell his problems to anyone, does not trust anyone and feels opening up will make him seem vulnerable. He's always kept himself slightly emotionally detached from me but blamed that on his ex who hurt him and left him for another man, at the start I kept my distance as did not want to get serious but he became a daily part of my life, I feel like iím addicted to him. He's a flirt I know and talks to girls whereas he's very insecure about me talking to guy's he actually told me to stop contacting my guy friends which I did not do as I have known them linger and he cannot control my life.

    Well we had sex on the 22nd may, it felt wonderful just sitting next to him watching telly after but a guy friend of mine texted me saying I got my contract mins this time I wonít use them on you as he's been confiding in me about his r/ship problems. My boyfriend saw this and I could feel the tension in the air, I explained everything to him asked him if he trusted me and he said yes he did, well after that day everything went downhill! He stopped contacting me or would try and make me jealous, I met him once to discuss our problems but he just laughed it off changed the convo and left after 20mins. It has been a month since I last saw him and he has detached himself from me, itís always me making the effort to talk to him. Last week I found out he was back in contact with his ex so I confronted him and he told me we broke up last may and Iím not with her etc.

    We have so many communication problems because he has built a wall around him and will go into shutdown mode if I even try talking about his problems so we canít communicate. He keeps saying I have changed but I have not so I donít understand where these feelings and thoughts come from. I broke up with him last month for a week, we had no contact but I could not resist and I contacted him, he seemed genuinely happy to talk to me but problems were raised again. He has a massive ego and is the type of person who would think 'she hasnít contacted me, I wonít contact her.'

    The big problem is that he wonít break up with me! He wonít end our relationship, itís always me who does it and I go running back. He is the type of person who would remove a ex girlfriend out of his life to move on but I canít, I want to stay friends and keep the hope that one day we might get back to how we used to be but I know now that wonít happen!

    He will go days without contacting me now and wonít bother until I text him, so last Wednesday I asked him why he wonít dump me and let me move on and his answer was because he doesnít want to and he loves me, but I donít feel that love 'vibe' from him anymore! I feel like a convenience some he talks to when he's bored. He did mention that he has had some problems and he'll be back to normal soon but I canít do this anymore!

    I told him we should go no contact and Iíll contact him once I have healed and I actually felt really good until I got a phone call at 4am while I was asleep, it threw me right back to square one, I keep thinking why, did he call? Does he miss me? Etc


    What should I do? Do I reply or what?


    Sorry for the long post I didnít know how to make it short.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    4,992
    Don't reply. This guy is really not available to you as relationship material for all the reasons you've put so clearly above. He would probably keep trying to contact you, and the reason for this is the same one that he wouldn't put himself into your relationship wholeheartedly either - it would mean some kind of definite commitment from him. Telling you it's over is as definite as being really dedicated to you, and he's not the sort of person to do either. Plus he can be confident that you'll keep contacting him no matter how badly he treats you.

    I don't think his pulling away from you had anything to do with the phone call from a guy friend, but because you'd actually had sex and the intimacy was threatening to him. When you ask why he doesn't dump you and let you move on, you are giving him all the power in the relationship. A better question would be to ask yourself why you don't dump him and move on - without any reference to him.

    If you really do feel addicted to him - and you'd be in very good company here - look up online resources on codependency and see what support is available to you.

    For now, block him, unplug your phone at night, whatever you need to do to stop this contact which just messes with your mind and reverses your healing. You've already told him you should go no contact. Now stick with it if you really want to get off this merry-go-round.

    Good luck!
    Never wrestle with a pig. If you do, you'll both get filthy; the difference is that the pig will enjoy it!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Angel Irulan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    1,373
    Hi! I don't want this to hurt you, but this young man is emotionally unavailable and you know that? And so instead of just letting it go, you had sex with him ONE TIME and you're saying you want to hold onto something. What? The sex? Was it that good? The man? Is HE that good? It doesn't sound like it! If it were me, and I'd been dumb enough, or curious enough to sleep with someone who treated me the way he treats you, I'd forget I ever knew him PDQ! If anyone mentioned his name to me I'd stay quiet and act like I didn't know him. He was a mistake and you've got to let go and move on! One thing about men and their games: When they leave you confused they get control. That's right: C-O-N-T-R-O-L! He's in the drivers seat and he knows it! He likely feels that he can do or play any game with you that he wants and you'll wait for him. DO NOT LET HIM DO THAT TO YOU!!!!

    I know you're somewhat inexperienced from the sound of it, but take it from someone who's done a lot of observing, this is a losing situation for you! PM me if you want to chat. But puhlease! Stay away from him! Go get a new hobby, a new pet, anything to distract yourself while you bring your heart back to you!
    Angel

  4. #4

    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    404
    Gender
    Male
    To me it sounds like you dont really know him. You claim he is introverted but also flirty and talkative with women. An introverted person doesnt flirt around and is not confortable with others flirting with them. Once an introverted opens up to you they wont display none of the behavior your guy is showing to you. They act like normal people.
    The reason why he doesnt talk to you about his "problems" is because you are not his friend. He has a "wall" because he doesnt want to get emotionally involved with you.
    Yeah he was nice in the past because his mission was to get into your pants... You wont believe the things we men do and say for sex. Once he got it, the acting was over. He uses the word "love" but he doesnt have the slight idea of what his talking about.
    Sorry , but yes his gonna screw your heart so bad... You wont have tears left.

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