Best friend hanging out with my boyfriend without me

I am feeling jealous of my best friend and my boyfriend and am not sure if I am over-reacting.

They met each other through me and get along very well. He always says only positive things about her. He goes on and on about how great she is (she is also very attractive). I actually told him that it bothers me and am feeling a little jealous and he stopped for the most part and re-assured me that he likes only me etc etc.

She would often join us when we go out to a club or something (in a group).

Few weeks ago, she joined his mixed basketball team. They play once a week and go out for drinks afterwards (the whole group, not just them). I am not thrilled about this. I am loosely invited to join them but I don't really feel like keeping tabs on him.

They have a week off from basketball this week and tonight I texted my bf "what are you doing tonight?" He responded that he is grabbing dinner with his brother (who is also in the team) and that he has invited my best friend to join them. I said "have fun".

It really bothers me because I have already told him that I feel jealous of this particular girl. Why now keep inviting her to random dinners???

Do I have a right to feel upset?

They have a week off from basketball this week and tonight I texted my bf "what are you doing tonight?" He responded that he is grabbing dinner with his brother (who is also in the team) and that he has invited my best friend to join them. I said "have fun".

Is it possible he is trying to set her up with his brother?

Did he invite you?

He knows that you're uncomfortable having her around him and yet, he still invites her to gatherings. I'd be upset too. Talk to him!

Why didn't he invite you as well?

 

Is it possible he is trying to set her up with his brother?

No, she is way too young for his brother.

Is it possible that he is just a friendly person?

OR does this feels off to you guys? I just don't want come accross as overly insecure and jealous.

Did he invite you?

 

He knows that you're uncomfortable having her around him and yet, he still invites her to gatherings. I'd be upset too. Talk to him!

I already did talk to him once. How many times does it take?

Now he has the excuse of being on the same team so it's like team mates are going to dinner....

In your place I would not be comfortable with him inviting her for dinner like that unless perhaps this is a usual thing with other team-mates.

If anything were to happen, it would mean that both your boyfriend AND your best friend would betray you!

Do you think either of them are capable of this?

How well do you know them? Have you been jealous of your best friend before this?

Ask yourself these questions and then examine why you feel this way. If it's more likely that this is to do with a low self esteem. then you could be making too much of this.

Funnily enough, if you DO start making too much of a fuss, you could put ideas into their heads and actually throw them together as they will have the common problem of dealing with your jealousy.

In your place I would not be comfortable with him inviting her for dinner like that unless perhaps this is a usual thing with other team-mates.

It's a usual thing with the team mates - only this week they didn't have basketball practice....

I have known my best friend for 7 years, and honestly - I do not feel that she is capable of this. My boyfriend on the other hand - could be (I don't know him that well).

I have never brought this up with my best friend. I really do not want to keep bringing this up with my boyfriend.....basically I need to make the decision to either trust him or end it.

As for putting ideas in his head - too late

In a way, you're safe, then, if you trust your best friend. If it's too soon to know if your bf can be trusted, then the best thing to do would be to take a "wait and see" attitude and see if anything happens.

I have never brought this up with my best friend. I really do not want to keep bringing this up with my boyfriend.....basically I need to make the decision to either trust him or end it.

Normally I would agree with you. But in this case? Nope. This is inapprpriate behaviour.

The basketball thing is one thing. He joined the team. She joined the team. The team goes for drinks. It would be weird and kind of like you are keeping tabs on him if you show up. It's a team event. He needs to live his life, you need to let him live it...

But this week? It's a 'private' get together with his brother and your friend. It has nothing to do with basketball. You should have been invited. It's not a team event, it's a social event. It's different.

I would definitely bring this up with him. Did you even give him the chance to invite you? Or did you quickly text back "have fun"? He may think you are not interested in going...

You should talk to your best friend. If I were your friend, I would say to him that I'm not really comfortable hanging out with him so much because I get a vibe that he's into me and I don't want to jeopardize my best friendship. ... But that's just me.

I have since found out that another girl from the team went along...does this change things at all?

I don't like this at all.

I don't like this at all.

Me neither. I feel like breaking things off over this.

OK, i think it is fine if the friend goes out to group activities with you, and fine if they play on a basketball team together that does all the group things together, but if he starts inviting her for more 'private' things like out to dinner with him and his brother and another girl and DOESN'T ask you to that same dinner, i think you have to watch out.

He may be trying to get her in situations where he gets to interact with her without you around, in hopes he can spend more time with her and eventually work up to asking her out behind your back (or dumping you to do so).

I personally would not feel comfortable going to dinner with a friend's BF unless it was in a big group or i knew that my friend knew about it and was fine with it.

What i'd do here is ask your best friend how the dinner went, and how it came about. If she tells you she went and your BF told her you'd been asked too but turned him down, then i'd be suspicious of your BF's motives. Your friend may not be aware that your BF is trying to spend more time with her or is after her.

If it was your BF and your best friend and this other guy and another girl, that almost sounds like a double date! So yes, i'd check into it with your GF first and see what she says about how that all came about and whether your BF told her you'd been asked when you hadn't.

I feel like....... even if I talk to him and he artificially restricts how much they hang out, harboring a secret crush on my best is not cool.

I did talk to him once, he is aware of the problem - yet he didn't so much to fix it.

I have since found out (from my boyfriend) that my best friend decided not to go last minute.

This is possibly even worse - perhaps she feels that he is into her and is not comfortable?

I don't understand why you don't talk to your friend about this. Perhaps you aren't all that close with her.

I don't understand why you don't talk to your friend about this. Perhaps you aren't all that close with her.

Perhaps I am not. Also, I feel that she would try to re-assure me and make me feel better rather than tell me brutal honesty. That's the type of person she is.

It is extremely unlikely that she will say "Yeah, I can sense that he is into me" even if that's what she feels.

Still, close or not I am sure she wouldn't betray me like this.

No one ever wants to think their BFF or BF would betray them, but the sheer fact that they are hanging out without you shows they either don't share the same ethics, or simply don't care.

I think some things should be a total given. You shouldn't even have to tell either of them that what they're doing is inappropriate, because it just IS plain wrong and something that shouldn't happen. I mean, he's asking her out to dinner with other friends and you're not included? And the reason she suddenly joined his team was...?

None of this is good.

Perhaps I am not. Also, I feel that she would try to re-assure me and make me feel better rather than tell me brutal honesty. That's the type of person she is.

 

It is extremely unlikely that she will say "Yeah, I can sense that he is into me" even if that's what she feels.

 

Still, close or not I am sure she wouldn't betray me like this.

If people assumed what others will say in every conversation, there would be no point in talking. In fact, for that reason, there is no reason for you to have talked to your bf. Not talking to her, I think, is not getting a full understanding of what is going on. You are only hearing your bf's perspective.

This is an opportunity to understand how she feels, what he's saying to her, what her thoughts are, and let her know how it makes you feel. If you don't think that's valuable, then I doubt this girl is your true friend. Ironically, she is more likely to be in your life longer than your bf is.

I think the title of the thread should probably be: Boyfriend trying to spend time with my attractive best friend without me.

That is much more telling.

you already said it: either you trust him(them really) or you don't.

If people assumed what others will say in every conversation, there would be no point in talking. In fact, for that reason, there is no reason for you to have talked to your bf. Not talking to her, I think, is not getting a full understanding of what is going on. You are only hearing your bf's perspective.

 

This is an opportunity to understand how she feels, what he's saying to her, what her thoughts are, and let her know how it makes you feel. If you don't think that's valuable, then I doubt this girl is your true friend. Ironically, she is more likely to be in your life longer than your bf is.

 

I think the title of the thread should probably be: Boyfriend trying to spend time with my attractive best friend without me.

 

That is much more telling.

Yes but, she is not behaving inappropriately. She is not inviting him to things. HE IS. Even if she were to turn down ALL the invitations in the future, the fact that he most likely harbors a secret crush on her remains. That's what's bothering me. I am sure if my friend was unattractive, he would not have an interest in hanging out with her. Talking to her is pointless.

He tells me he loves me 5 times per day.....yet he is doing this knowing that it makes me uncomfortable.

Basically, I feel that I should break up with him over this...I am not sure if that reaction is extreme, but I think that's what I am going to do.

I think you need to talk to him about that dinner... why did he invite her, but not you?

I don't think your friend is to blame at all she didn't show up at the dinner and isn't encouraging him in any way. But your BF needs to explain why he seems to be trying to make opportunities to see her that don't involve you, like that dinner.

If he doesn't have a good explanation and doesn't stop it, then you may need to just decide whether he is someone you can trust or not. Some guys will go to great lengths to keep chasing someone they are interested in. He may know that if he breaks up with you, your BFF won't date him and may never talk to him again, so perhaps he's just trying to wear her down over time.