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  1. #1
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    She's bad for me, but I'm lonely without her

    I didn't know exactly where to post this, but I guess it fits best here. I've known this girl for about 3-4 years, and I care very deeply for and about her, and I do love her. But she's just not a good friend. When we first met, she had a bad breakup, and we were "involved" for a couple months and I did think it was something special, but it turned out thats just how she is with pretty much every guy she meets. But through all the guys she met, there I stood, trying to be her friend just like she needed, no matter how much it hurt. She even crowned me her "best friend", although I couldn't truly call her the same because the way she was, but I was there for her no matter what. After the first year, something happened in my life and I decided to leave her alone and let her do her thing for 2 years... then I started talking to her again. Nothings really changed with her, although she said she's grown up, but to me she really hasn't. She still shoves me aside when she meets someone new and although everyone, even myself, knows that she's like that..I still want to be close to her and a part of her life.
    We've only hung out a few times, and never really got to catch up. And I know we won't now since she met someone new. Once again, all the plans I've had to hang out for events or even just to hang out are down the drain. I started talking to her again right when she broke up with her boyfriend of a year, and I just thought it was funny that I come back into her life after another breakup. But she needed a friend and she needed help, and there I was again.
    For the 2 years that we didn't have any contact, I thought about her literally every day. My happiest times are when I'm hanging out with her, and my saddest times are when I'm away from her or anything else involving her. So once again, she met someone new, and it hurts all over again.

    People say that to get over someone, you don't talk to them. But seeing as how I thought about her every single day for 2 years when we were apart, that didn't do well. She lives 2 hours away from me, but will be moving to the same city as me for the guy she just met. I'm not sure if her relationship will last with him, and I'm sure she'll just meet someone new if it doesn't, but she's my friend. I just miss my friend, and I feel we're growing further apart, and that used to happen a lot when she met some new guy month after month. But it really is different now, because it's not so common with her.

    I really don't know what to do. She's different again, as she used to be when she met someone new, and treats me and talks to me like less than a friend, but I stick around because I know thats just the way she is. I don't know if its different this time, and if this time I really will have to say goodbye.

    I write this depressed, and I'll be honest that I did/do have deep feelings for her, but more importantly I just miss having my close friend around.

    I say she's bad for me not just because everyone else says it, but I know it. She's ungrateful for the things I do for her and who I am for her, and really only seems to care about herself. So why do I care? ...sadly, because she's the only girl to make me happy the way she does.

  2. #2
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    Unrequited love is hard.

    So... you already know what we are going to tell you, right?

    First, I think you need to stop referring to her as your friend. This is confusing you. She's NOT your friend. She is your love interest. Could you ever hear yourself saying stuff like "For the 2 years that we didn't have any contact, I thought about him literally every day. My happiest times are when I'm hanging out with him, and my saddest times are when I'm away from him or anything else involving him" about your buddy Joe (or Fred or Billy or Bob)? Doesn't that sound weird? Yes. Yes, it does. That's because Joe is a friend and she is a love interest.

    Now that the above is clear... how do you get over someone you are crazy about but doesn't want to be with you that way? You are right! NC isn't magical. It won't make you forget about someone. In fact, you can pine over the same person for years and years whether or not you go NC. It does, though, make that process easier. The thing is... you weren't going through the forgetting-about-her process in those two years.

    The forgetting-about-her process involves going out, meeting new people, dating and generally enjoying life. It involves replacing that person with someone else who can fulfill whatever needs she is fulfilling inside of you. She is NOT the perfect soul. In fact... the longer you pine over her in an unrequited way, the longer she sits on a pedastal. Honestly? Not even she can probably fulfill your ideas about her.

    Sorry... but it's time to go back to NC. It's also time to start the forgetting-about-her process. If she cared (even as a friend), she would not have let you walk away from her for 2 years... but she did...

    This is only going to end in hurt. You need to cut ties with her now.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    You need to cut ties with her. I would also ask what it is that you actually like about her. She doesn't treat you very well..she uses you when she needs support but doesn't reciprocate. She bounces from man to man. You already know that she is bad for you, that she doesn't treat you well..so why do you keep pining for a woman like that when there are plenty of women out there who would be good and kind and attentive towards you. You are wasting your time trying to get close to this women who clearly isn't worth it. You need to focus on what your brain is telling you rather than what your emotions are telling you.
    "A word to the kind: when I sense I'm hurting someone, I am. The fact that someone would be weak enough to tolerate that from me doesn't make me less responsible for my actions, it makes me more responsible". Catfeeder

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Stay_home's Avatar
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    I went through a very similiar situation, 2 years ago actually!

    I met a woman (now truely a friend) but upon first meeting her - all of the above. I was so crazy about her. But honestly man, she was really jacked up. Of course, being as though that I liked her, I let a lot of things sort of slip under the rug because I was looking to try get with her. But after months and months of passing by I got to really know what kind of person she was and I didn't. I stopped dead in my tracks and went into this kind of deep hybernation - no contact, harder than ever and when I re-emerged, I was better and stronger than ever.

    And now, just like your friend she considers me to be like her "best-friend." Similiar to you again, I honestly don't feel that way because of some of the crap she used to try to pull on me. Anyway, she went to eventually date another guy, along with another guy. All in the same breathe and I am so glad that I had my spidey-sense working and totally avoided a relationship with her. And she does all the same things your friend does when her relationship or new "friend" troubles comes along. She'll talk to me, seeking advice (which I'll give openly to just about anybody). But it's a continued cycle of her running through these situations with men and not learning anything because it's always everybody elses fault.

    With some young women (again, some) but many of them just have this ego about them: They've got the looks, the body, the youth and they know they can have just about anybody they want. So they tend to go for what they cannot have as a challenge and a game. Once that challenge is fulfilled they typically move on to something else. I'm sure in about 10 or 15 years after your friend has hopefully had some time to grow up she's going to look back at this and realize that all this time, she had a good man standing right in front of her and like most young people, she was too stupid to see that. You see it all comes back to you after a while, everything you do. You mistreat people, it comes back around after you. Maybe not in the same way, but in some shape or form it will catch up to you. That's why I treat everyone with respect and I don't try to short people because I want want comes back to me to at least be halfway decent...

    She is a bomb, we just don't know when she's going to explode and we don't want to find out. In my case, the friend I'm referring to is a colleague of mine so I couldn't just kick her off like that. She doesn't really know that I have a chip on my shoulder about that still, but that's kind of how I prefer it to be. I moved on, I let it go and I wouldn't ever date her now so I don't need to take it back there. It's over. Enough about me. What about you? What are you going to do?
    Last edited by Stay_home; 07-04-2011 at 08:02 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member dramallama's Avatar
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    You are not being a true friend to either her or yourself by hanging around. If you are honest with yourself, you are not being a friend (forget about her actions for a moment), because a true friend doesn't wait by the sidelines with the expectation of dating that person one day. I was friends with someone that I was in love with and it drove me crazy. Eventually I convinced him to be in a relationship with me, but then he did a disappearing act a few months later and I hadn't heard from him since. Attraction is either there or it isn't, and any attraction that she may feel for you is not going to be realised by you hanging around.

    The reason that you feel so lonely when she meets another guy is because you are relying on HER to fill your emotional needs, instead of going out and dating yourself. But she is not your girlfriend. That disappointment and depression comes from you having the expectation, on some level, that she is there to fulfil that role. She is pulling away because she's found someone that she is into, which is what happens when you fall in love. She has the right to find love, but so do you. Do you want to be in the same position, pining after someone that doesn't feel the same, in another year or two?

    I'm not sure what you did during your two years that you didn't contact her, but usually what people neglect to mention is that they would stalk their ex/love online, which keeps the flame alive. Did you do that? There really is no solution to someone that doesn't feel the same way, other than to cut ALL ties, online and off and create an interesting life for yourself. You will ONLY be able to fall in love with someone else when this "friend" is out of the picture. Stop settling for this, man. In time you will be able to look back and you will see that she wasn't a good friend or person anyway.
    No Contact or GTFO!

    Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex!: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381011

    Changing your social media/computer to promote healing: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=382739

  7. #6
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    Thanks to all for your input. I wish I knew exactly what it is/was that I see in her, and yes I'll admit that she is a love interest of mine, but at the same time I want her as a friend, and if that's all I'll ever be to her, then I guess that's it. A couple years ago we were close, and even though she went from guy to guy I stayed around to be her friend, no matter how much it hurt. Something happened in my life that made me basically disappear, and I felt it was for her at the time for me to leave her alone. At the time, she was too involved with whoever she was "seeing" at the time to care for me as a friend. We started talking again not too long ago, and while I did think she "grew up", I soon found she really didn't. The only thing different is that she doesn't hop from guy to guy every couple of months, she actually gets into long relationships.
    We have mutual friends, so during our 2 years apart, I did get out and try and meet new people, but nothing ever hooked. I even went into reminding myself on a daily basis just how bad of a friend she was at that time, but I still missed her too much. Our friendship back then, aside from rockiness at some points, was truly unique. I know that it won't be the way it was, but it's like she's too "blinded" by being in love with this new guy after a month (that's pretty common for her..) to care about an old friend who's been there for her. I mean, I wish I could really say all the things I've done for her, and let her get away with.
    Without ego, I'll have to say I have an interesting life, but it was only more interesting with her. I know she's bad for me: she's a liar, she's a cheat, she's undecisive, and honestly I really don't know if I can see myself with her because of all that...but at the same time, I've seen her change for someone before, and I guess I just thought I was hoping I could be someone that day. But if not, I was OK with being her friend at the same time. But now it's like...we're not even friends again. It's the same story as before. Our recent phone conversations, I could just hear attitude, and that tone as if she could be doing something better than being on the phone with me. But it was like that before too...

    I know I have to let her go, but I can't. Soon she'll be living in the same city as me, and although we'll be closer, I know we'll only be much further.

  8. #7
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    When I first met her, I knew I met someone special to me, and I'll admit it and say that (sadly?) she was and is everything that I'm looking for in a girl. We're both 25 now, and sometimes I feel that our 'friendship' is childish. But even as a friend when we do hang out, she makes me cloud 9 happy. I've told her how I felt before and she said she just wanted my friendship before, and I don't know if she knows the way I feel now.
    I know it's not entirely her fault, and my jealousy sometimes does come into play, but once again she met someone and just completely changes the way she is to me. I just don't get it...
    Last edited by BenDZ; 07-05-2011 at 03:08 AM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member dramallama's Avatar
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    When you are in love with someone, and they don't feel the same way, you cannot simply stay "just friends." You cannot compartmentalise your feelings. The only solution is to cut ALL contact so that those feelings have a chance to fade. I know that you would LIKE to stay friends, but I'm telling you, it just can't happen. Not if you want to move on and find someone else that WILL want to be with you.

    When people fall in love, their new partner becomes the high priority. You wouldn't feel nearly as rejected, unless you were in love with her and you wish that it were YOU in that position of the new boyfriend, that's why you take it so personally. You have to realise that just because she is everything that YOU want in a partner, she obviously does not feel the same, otherwise she would be with you. It happens to everyone, but you need to mature and realise that she doesn't feel the same way. It's really not all that complicated. When BOTH people want to be together, neither of them will settle for friendship because that simply won't do. But she only wants that from you. By choosing to stick around you are hurting only yourself.

    You need to let go of this "friendship" (because it's not an equal friendship when you are hanging around in love with her) so that you can fall in love with someone else, just as she has the right to date other people without her so called friends getting jealous. This isn't even about you learning to control your emotions, because when you want to get over someone, the only thing that will give the feelings a chance to fade away is INDEFINITE No Contact. There really is no way around it.

    I get the feeling that you think "this isn't fair!" but you're acting like a child who isn't getting their lollipop. You have to be an adult and see that you are not ever going to get what you want from this woman, and leave ASAP in a dignified way and never settle for breadcrumbs in the future. Even if she did get jealous if you pulled away, that doesn't usually mean that people want to be WITH you.

    Remember, can't = don't want to. You don't want to let go of her. Learn the difference.
    No Contact or GTFO!

    Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex!: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381011

    Changing your social media/computer to promote healing: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=382739

  10. #9
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    DramaLlama, thank you. And I do truly realize what I need to do, and although i do see the comparison between the child who isn't getting the lollipop and me, im not saying its that way. Other friends of mine dont act the way she does towards me, and when i give her her space to be with the new person she flips out on me and asks why i choose to not be around her. So its like..im constantly losing. and i dont know what to do. So for me to just sit there and be a friend for when she wants/needs something is unfair to me because...what about the times when i need a friend?
    i know that we'll never be anything. but if i can be happy as friends, then thats fine. but i dont know if i can keep going about it this way if this is how she is with everyone else. the way i see it, for someone who is supposed to be her "best friend" or even a friend at all, she treats me like crap. i try and see it from different angles but it still doesnt make much sense to me, and i bite my tongue and try and let her do her thing but it still comes back to me somehow.

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