Results 1 to 5 of 5
  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Urbana, IL
    Age
    23
    Posts
    2
    Gender
    Female

    Angry My Boyfriend Always Puts Me Last!

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a bout a year now, despite all the ups and downs we've faced. I am 21 and he is 23 and we are absolutely in love. Sometimes, though, I wonder just how in love with me he actually is. When we first got together, I was unemployed and we had all of this free-time to spend together, which was so nice! Shortly after, I got a full-time job and he was already working a full-time job. When that happened, we realized that we weren't going to be able to see each other as much, which was fine, considering he lives 45 minutes away from me. We worked out a schedule that was working pretty well for us, until recently.

    The longer our relationship went on, the busier our lives got. He picked up a second, PRN job working for an ambulance company, which takes up most of his night free-time that he used to spend with me. Now, our relationship feels more like it only exists when it's convenient for him. Every, single thing that he is involved in comes before me. Always. We go on the occasional date every now and then, but literally everything in our relationship revolves around him and this ambulance job. He is on call Monday thru Friday 6pm to midnight, as well as, on Saturday from 8am to 8am on Sunday. It's extremely frustrating, but I have always kept my mouth shut because this is a step toward his dream job. I don't want to complain when he is working toward his goals. I want the best for him and I don't want to drag him down, no matter how much it hurts my feelings.

    Because of this job, I now see him about 1 or 2 nights a week (if I'm lucky), compared to the 3 to 4 nights a week I used to see him when we first started the relationship. Of course, the longer periods of time that we are apart make me more thankful to see him when he does have some time. I always make sure to shower him with thank-you's when he does make time to see me, hoping that the positive praise will make him want to do it more. It doesn't really change the frequency of our visits, though, whether I do it or not. And, when he does come over, it's usually because he's horny and he wants sex. Granted, I have a high drive (sorry if that's TMI), so I don't usually turn him down.

    This is where I feel that our relationship is merely only a relationship when he wants it to be. When we're together, it's great. There is a lot of affection, talking, "i love you's." But I feel that our communication is at an absolute stand-still. We don't talk on the phone when apart, we only text. And I'm usually the one to initiate conversation, anyway. The last time I expressed frustration with his work schedule and the fact that he always has time for other things, despite his work schedule, he got mad and completely clammed up. A week later, he broke up with me. We got back together shortly after, though. We came to the conclusion that we needed to work on our communication and both agreed that we would work together. I've become more outspoken about my feelings, but he continues the same routine - ignoring me and getting mad when I get frustrated with something and tell him.

    The reason I am writing today is because, yet again, work get puts before me. I understand that, in this economy, working is important and making money is what a lot of people are worried about. He is on call today and it's father's day weekend. I told him about the barbecue my parents are having and his response was that he would come if he wasn't working. Later on in the morning, he tells me that he made plans to go to lunch with his friend, as well as, get a new CD player installed in his truck. Needless to say, I'm immensely frustrated that he could make those plans, but cannot uphold any plans with me that he knows of in advance. Everything always starts with the sentence "If I can..." or "If I'm not working..." I haven't been able to make any plans for us as a couple in 4 months, now. Every time I bring up making plans to go on a vacation for my birthday or even just a simple date, he has something that he has to do.

    Am I being unreasonable? Should I take a step back and become even MORE understanding with him? Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can communicate that I'm tired of being the only one to make an effort?

    Any and all help would be much appreciated!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member NightLily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    nowhere
    Posts
    2,641
    From the details at the start I would say that he just needed time to work but the most recent events would worry me. You can't have a relationship if he won't make time for one. It may just be bad timing right now.

    But, if he doesn't want to make plans with you, I would stop making them all together and consider yourself single. Maybe give him some time to realize you aren't chasing after him to make it official but if he doesn't pursue the matter it will fade out like he seems to be letting it. Sorry to hear you are going through this. It is possible he doesn't see what he is doing but if you give him some space you will know if he cares to figure it out.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Nigeria
    Age
    29
    Posts
    3,291
    Gender
    Male
    No I don't think your being unreasonable. Your entitled to want things to go your way, just like he is making things go his way.

    I know it's hard, but you have to work out in your own mind what you are willing to continuously put up with/sacrifice and what you will not. Sit down and make a list.

    If you come to the conclusion that you need to maybe meet someone who more fits what you require, than so be it. Don't ever think your being selfish when it comes to what your want.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Rosee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    493
    Gender
    Female
    I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think he is.
    But because you put up with it, and he gets to see you no matter what, then it is kind of the perfect situation for him. You even said you 'shower him with thank-you's' when he deigns to spend time with you! You're acting as if he is doing you a favour, my advice is don't be a doormat.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member WockaWocka's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,812
    Sounds like he's worked you into a perfect friends with benefits relationship. He has an excuse for most every date or out of town trip you propose, but can make himself available late at night. Actions speak louder than words. Try setting aside all the "I love yous" and love talk. What do his actions say?
    “You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.”
    ― Pema Chödrön

Related Articles & Books
by Margarita Nahapetyan
It has not been a secret that some men at times get confused in the presence of women and hardly can find any words to say, but now Dutch researchers ...
by Margarita Nahapetyan
Women like it when their husbands or partners show emotions and talk about their troubles, suggests a new research by Harvard Medical School. In ...
That's Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships
by Deborah Tannen
You know the feeling: You meet someone for the first time, and it's as if you've known each other all your lives. Everything goes smoothly. You know ...
 

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Expert Advice

Online
Call
$3/minute
Caring professional willing to listen and help whether you're having relationship issues with parents/children/or other loved ones. Contact me now!
Online
CallChat
$1.75/minute
25+ YEARS EXPERIENCE. Spanish/English. Licensed therapist, intervention specialist and counselor who helps couples and families live well and love better.
Online
Call
$4.99/minute
I will show you effective ways to have the best relationships! No matter what the nature of the relationship, I can help you be more effective in it, and get your needs met!
Online
Call
$2.75/minute
Relationships are the most common presenting problem patients have come to me about in 6 years.Communication, perception, commitment, and hard work are some of the keys.Here 4
Online
Call
$2.5/minute
Loving attachment is the probabaly the greatest source of our happiness - till it goes wrong - I can help you deal with the hurt and often find a resolution