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FWB Relationships - How Should They Work?


yahha42

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Hey all,

 

It's been about 10 months since I've been in a relationship which also means I haven't had any sexual contact in that time. I'm fed up with dating and decided to get my stuff together. It may sound bad but I'm trying to find a new job that will take up most my time so I can avoid being in a relationship. I've lost all hope that there is someone out there for me.

 

However, I figure I shouldn't cut off my personal needs for tension release, hence "sexual" needs. So...I figure a "fwb" relationship or having a "f-buddy" would be suitable.

 

I started talking to this guy about a month ago. We discussed what we wanted and the barriers that should not be crossed while dealing with each other which included not sleeping with other people. We hooked up once, he dropped off the face of the earth for a month and then he contacts me a week ago with a new number. *suspicious*

 

I decided to do some digging and found he is on multiple dating sites, giving a sap profile about finding a woman that would set a "class act" for his daughter (which he only sees every 2 weekends), he doesn't like playing head games, and he uses different last names on each site.

 

With this, I wanted to see what his deal was for contacting me again. I already know for a booty call but to see if he is playing a head game himself.

 

One thing that ticked me off about him is that he only contacted me when he wanted some. When I wanted some he never responds or gives an excuse.

 

Something was telling me he may have slept with someone else or multiple women. With how STDs are now, I'm leaving the risk (him) alone.

 

I sent him a text expressing he was wrong for contacting me again after dropping off the face of the earth, the "fwb" shouldn't work only when HE wants to hook up and gave him food for thought stating that he should consider how he wants his daughter to be treated by a guy when she gets older (if he truly cares).

 

I've been crying off and on all day because I'm just so fed up with men and relationships. I don't understand the double standards. It seems guys can pick and choose who to deal with, have control over the situation and when to hook up with someone. But women get looked down upon and have to wait for when the guy comes around to get some.

 

How does a FWB relationship really work? Both people should have a say on when to have an encounter right?

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Just a note - if you want to have a FWB, you either MUST ensure you simply cannot develop feelings for your buddy, or dont be 'friends' with them.

 

ENA gets threads daily, from girls in a FWB arrangement who had developed feelings for her buddy.

 

Some people believe (even girls) that FWB encounters should only be initiated by the male. And that due to a male's apparently greater sex drive, that the number of encounters males want is always more than what women would want and that the frequency should be fine. This isnt entirely true.

 

Yes, the arrangement is meant to be fair for both parties - both male and female are meant to be able to call the other and say X time, X place and one or the other visit to provide the 'service'.

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I guess it would be hard to explain this but I didn't develop feelings for him. I found him extremely attractive. I mean REALLY REALLY attractive but knew I didn't want to bring him around family or have a relationship with him. I just expected some maturity from him.

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mouseno4 is right... women associate sex with emotions or we commonly will develop feelings, and I know men can too but it's more common with women if its a casual relationship or fwb's..

 

I will admit to it - I've never had a fwb - but I started dating someone and it was a VERY new relationship and after I slept with him about 3 times, my feelings towards the person grew .. really fast. I knew a lot of it was caused by the the sexual aspect. Sure, I liked him before but sex just sealed the deal and made me really want to be with him. I'm still with him, but it's something I noticed.

 

It's how we are so its best being avoided.. I know some people can do it but I don't hear of it being all that common.

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Even if you didn't develop feelings, I guess is what I'm saying , had you slept with him more you really may have. The outcome did leave you emotional regardless .. so, I'm left to believe there's a good chance you may have developed feelings had it continued.. The whole fwb just seems too complicated for me, really.

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I was reading all about this emotional attachment most women have with their f-buddies today. (due to the large number of cases ENA gets)

 

Apparently the reason for this is due to a hormone in the female's brain that gets released during sex. Since it isnt very large, a few encounters are needed for it to be a large enough dose for the emotions to really come out. I forget the name of the actual hormone, but it is very similar to the hormone new mothers get which is associated with the child. If i find the research information i will post the link to it.

 

OK this isnt what i had originally found, but it focuses on what i am talking about. link removed

 

In addition to testosterone, studies done by Diane Witt, assistant professor of psychology, show that while in the act of sexual intercourse, the hormone oxytocin,

a bonding hormone, is released. As a result, after a few "benefits" are received, even

seeing your "friend" can trigger more of this hormone's release causing you to want to bond with that person.

 

Witt's research also outlines that when this hormone is reduced, it could lead to destructive behavior. Oxytocin is released during sex, breast feeding and labor; which are supposed to be special moments, moments

where a man and a woman bond. This is where FWB goes wrong. Although one may like to believe that there aren't going to be any "strings" attached, it is virtually unavoidable.

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Sex is one of the most personal acts - first off because you are naked and everything else mouseno4 added - so it's up to you - but I know myself and wouldn't care to put my head in for a loop because of hormones.. but it's totally up to you, obviously. People who can do it, thats fine, I don't have a problem with people who can do it, just be sure you can handle it.

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Then i suggest getting a pair of FMB's and visiting a night club or bar.

 

(my sister actually took that advice literally once... kinda got a shock too)

 

The only way ive heard of, for girls to get some 'action' at a constant rate - is to treat the guy literally like an inanimate physical sex object. Arrive, go to the bedroom, get undressed, have sex, get dressed and leave. No kissing, no pointless touching, sink the sub, get off and leave. Dont even speak.

 

Trouble is, doing that is akin to treating the other really nasty.

 

(tbqh if a female friend of mine wanted to find a FWB with a random guy i would buy them a dildo - so they get attached to it instead!)

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I don't think you are coming at this from a good place. If you had simply said "I want to get laid and don't have time for a relationship" my advice might be different, but you prefaced your post saying that you are disillusioned with men and relationships and you are going to the extreme of getting a job with long hours so you don't have time for a relationship.

 

If you are feeling that way, getting an fwb or f-buddy will likely make you feel worse. I know because I tried it myself. Having an uncommitted relation doesn't avoid the risks of commitment. In fact you end up with the worse of both worlds. The loss of love and no entitlement to grieve the love lost because it was never real in the first place.

 

How did this come about? Well, i didn't want to date my guy or bring him around my family either, but as the posters above pointed out...I caught feelings.

 

I tried to walk away from him several times and he would reel me back in by offering to make me dinner, telling he wanted to spend time outside the bedroom...as soon as I caved in and slept with him everything would go back to the way it was.

 

Eventually he got a "real" girlfriend and just disappeared. Really great for the ol' self esteem!!

 

If you don't want or can't have a relationship I would suggest you experiment with celibacy for a while. I feel a bit resentful that I can't have sex anymore but it also feels a lot healthier than what I was doing before.

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Unfortunately this is the gamble you are taking when you want to hook up with someone just for sex. There is no emotion involved, no loyalty and probably no respect. You may be lucky and find a nice guy who respects the decisions you are making and who wants the same as you and who you may fall into a suitable FWB relationship with but if he is too nice you could up falling for him emotionally. Can you see that it is going to be hard for it to all fall into place and to find the perfect scenario? The thing with FWBs is that there is no exclusivity, if there were it would more-or-less be a relationship and most people who are looking specifically for FWBs (like yourself) aren't looking for relationships (like yourself). With no exclusivity there is nothing you can do as regards them sleeping with anyone else.

 

I don't think you are going to find it any less harder or draining looking for FWBs only. You said that you wrote him an email telling him that he shouldn't have contacted you after he disappeared off the face of the earth and how you gave him food for thought as regards to how he would want his own daughter to be treated. Well whilst I agree with the point you are trying to make as regards his daughter, you are already showing that you haven't quite grabbed the concept of FWBs. You have already allowed your emotions in ... hence the email. Although there aren't any hard and fast rules to follow when being FWBs with someone, it is none-the-less NOT meant to be about emotional attachment or a high level of expectation and I think it is going to be hard looking for someone who is going to have the exact same expectations as you. He probably didn't think it was wrong for dropping off the face of the earth for a month ... maybe that is what FWBs are to him and, as regards the email, it probably didn't make much sense to him because he may see it that you are allowing him to treat you that way, that it was the way you wanted it to be too. Saying you are looking a FWBs situation is probably read by many as "sex only".

 

I agree that this FWB did seem to be on his terms only .... so maybe this one isn't for you but how easy is it going to be to find the perfect FWB? There are a lot of people who just want no strings attached sex and it is going to be hard to differentiate between the two because, lets fact it, anyone who knows you are up for sex will tell you what you want to hear. The point I am trying to make is that you will find just as many unsuitable partners trying to find a FWB as you would looking for a relationship. I would think long and hard as to whether this really is what you want because you could still end up feeling hurt, not to mention used.

 

I have been in a FWB situation but I wasn't looking for one. It just developed into one after initially meeting on-line. Whilst we didn't feel any deep emotion for each other we enjoyed each others company immensely and, well, we enjoyed having sex with each other. We developed a kind of pattern where we would catch up every few months ... we would go out to dinner and make the most of the evening. We would talk a lot, laugh a lot and then end up having great sex ... and that would be it for another few months until either one of us would contact the other. He would usually send me a text the next day thanking me for a great evening but there were no expectations other than that. I wasn't seeing anyone and I wasn't have sex with anyone else. I have absolutely no idea what he was getting up to.

 

Thats the thing with FWBs .... I'm not sure you can have any expectations or have the right to any expectations (other than to have safe sex). Also, another thing to bear in mind, what you are lacking emotionally, you cannot make up for sexually.

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If you think you got treated badly and disrespectfully within the confines of a committed relationship, "you ain't seen nothing yet". In an FWB often the women are basically considered as a "free hooker". Forget about being respected in an FWB setup...it typically doesn't happen. Also, forget about monogamy..because if the guy is looking for a real relationship, he might end up having sex with dates he sees as potential.

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To be quite honest with how i feel about all this.

 

If i were in an FWB situation - which i would never be - and i had a girl all of the sudden express feelings (which always happens due to the hormones) i would be as polite as i could.... and run.

 

--Hypothetical only!--

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Here's some more to this...when I was looking for a relationship (tried online dating and even from meeting guys while running errands), they all were focused on getting back to my place to "hang out". I'm old fashioned I guess because I figure dating should be about going out somewhere to get to know one another.

 

I've been trying to figure out why so many guys are so focused on the opposite and figure it's due to some women just giving it up so quickly now. So...I've become a little hardened in my selection in dating, to find a guy truly interested in having a relationship with me, which is why it's been so long since I've been in one.

 

It's like the more time that passes, the worse it's getting. When this guy contacted me on one of the dating sites, I was close to throwing in the towel. He started out nice like a few have and then quickly jumped to talking about sex. He only told me he just wanted sex when I asked him. I figured that was it. I figured if this is what it's all about then I should change my thinking, forget dating, and just do the "fwb".

 

I figure if we set the lines down with what we were doing, it would've been a fair deal. This is the other thing, he was the one to label it "fwb".

 

With being detached with everything as far as developing feelings, I know I have a mental block from my last relationship that's preventing me from opening up to someone emotionally. That relationship was verbally and emotionally abusive. Manipulative so to say.

 

I sent the text to him because he contacted me almost the month later, at 2:30am when I was sleep. He didn't ask to come over. Just asked how I was doing. Before, he would send me text before I go to sleep or after I get off work so I was a little irritated he waited. He gets me all worked up for a couple days saying he's going to come over but then he sends me a text to blow me off. I waited a couple days to see if he could come over and he never responds.

 

I've been getting myself off just fine before he popped up and then he did that so yeah...I got angry about it and sent him the text about how wrong he was. Calling him out on his game and referring to his daughter was a way of telling him he's full of crap in his profile. I was angry at the fact he got me all worked up knowing it's been a long time since I been with someone to just play a game.

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If i were in an FWB situation - which i would never be - and i had a girl all of the sudden express feelings (which always happens due to the hormones) i would be as polite as i could.... and run.

 

Mouse, that actually makes you a decent guy. Someone in the same situation who takes the woman's feelings as leverage and pretends to return them just so they can keep tapping the booty... now that's what we call a douchebag!

 

He only told me he just wanted sex when I asked him. I figured that was it. I figured if this is what it's all about then I should change my thinking, forget dating, and just do the "fwb".

 

OP don't sell out on what you really want just because nobody is offering it. You're better off alone, at least you can keep your dignity.

 

Unfortunately a lot of guys, esp younger guys, just want NSA sex these days...online dating sites and bars are good places to find these sorts of guys too! So maybe change up where you are meeting your dating prospects...

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I figured after our first encounter that I sold out. After he "disappeared" and then popped back up, something was telling me to keep my guard up. Even though I hooked up with him once, I still have my dignity because I didn't ignore the fact he contacted me with a new phone number after a month. I feel better I let him go before he tried to come back over to my place again. There's nothing saying he won't try again but I called him out enough to where he shouldn't. We'll see if I get a late night text again another month down the line.

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I think if you want a sexual arrangement with another person the sex should happen only when you both want it. If there are any rules they should involve only whether it's ok to have other sex partners and rules for when/under what circumstances to get tested/retested (as well as who will be responsible for birth control and what type).

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I figured after our first encounter that I sold out. After he "disappeared" and then popped back up, something was telling me to keep my guard up. Even though I hooked up with him once, I still have my dignity because I didn't ignore the fact he contacted me with a new phone number after a month. I feel better I let him go before he tried to come back over to my place again. There's nothing saying he won't try again but I called him out enough to where he shouldn't. We'll see if I get a late night text again another month down the line.

 

But if you offer to be someone's fbuddy these are situations you may find yourself in time and time again ... it is all based around sex and nothing else ... there is no commitment ... no attachment ... no loyalty ... and no respect.

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I don't think I'll find myself in a situation like this again. The more lessons I learn, the more disappointed I get from the outcomes and just avoid them. I feel a lot better than I did yesterday. I was doing fine by myself before he popped back up and I was angry at the fact he got me worked up for a couple weeks just to not follow through. It was a tease which was disrespectful in itself.

 

I don't have time for all that so I'm getting back to how I was. He probably looking for someone else by now anyway.

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I don't think it's disrespectful if both people have the same expectations -to have sex when they both want to. I do think it can be disrespectful to be unreliable about making plans - just like with any arrangement to get together, whether sex is involved or not. I don't think this person was disrespectful to get back in touch to see if you wanted to have sex - he doesn't have to contact you otherwise in my opinion. If he promised to meet up on a specific day/time and didn't show up that would be disrespectful. I think you're right - that you're not well-suited to this sort of arrangement because the expectations you have are more relevant to a friendship or relationship that involves more in common than meeting up for sex.

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