I am hoping someone can help me.
I have been married for almost 4 years, and have been with my husband for 8 years. I have always sensed (even before our wedding) that I was making a mistake and marrying the wrong person. He is a good man, he always tells me he loves me, does thoughtful little things for me and has always treated me well. We met when I was 29, married when I was 33. Before him, I had never had a long term relationship, and had not really dated much. When I turned 29 I started thinking about getting maried and staring a family, and met him shortly thereafter.
I feel like at the time we got married, I saw a friend and someone who could be a good husband and father (we have 2 babies under 2 now, and he is a good father). However I just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. It comes and goes. I feel like I have never been in love with him, and have never felt physical attraction to him. We have now only had sex 1 time in 13 months (I know this is in part because we have 2 small babies but it just isn't right for both of us).
Things have been particularly hard for us lately because he can't seem to keep a job, and now we have 2 small children to support. He is currently unemployed again, and is in a really dark place emotionally. The same thing happened last year when I was pregnant with our 2nd child. I have tried to be the strong one telling him everything is going to be okay (when I was / am terrified myself)- always trying to support him when I felt I had no support myself. I feel like I am always trying to boost him and raise him up but don't feel he does the same for me. I know that the last couple of years have been tough on him professionally and know that as his wife it is my job to hold him up in these tough times, but it doesn't seem to let up. I have never thought of myself as someone who would bail when things get tough, I know that marriage is full of good and not so good times, but he always seems to be having a crisis and I am exhausted. I often feel like I am the only adult in this relationship.
I feel like he was not sure he wanted to marry me and I kind of pushed him into it. But now he says things like "I don't know what I'd ever do if you left me". There is a part of me that wonders if he means that, he would never leave me because he would not want to look like "the bad guy". I sometimes feel like he's testing the water with me when he says things like that.
I wonder if I am just restless because I feel like I never had a chance to have romance and make wonderful mistakes when I was in my 20's before I settled down. I wonder if I reallly did make a mistake when I was married. Regardless I know it is my own fault. I just don't know what to do.
Please any thoughts would be helpful. Brutal honesty please- I know this is my fault