My passive aggressive reaction. Aka: Letter to a bad friend.
I know I won't send this to you, but I need to let it out of my chest. If I could find it in my heart to ever forgive you, that is, because I'm not sure I want to be your friend anymore. I'm tired. I really am. You do nothing but complain, but when I try to do that, you get angry because I'm not 'fun to be around'. I tried stopping. I really did. I didn't tell you many things that you, as a friend, should have listened to.
My father is dying. But you know that, right? My brother blames me. Ah, but you know that too. There's the job issue. Yes, you know. And the whole mother being a mess thing. Yes, catching up. My two year old nephew being sick? You heard of it. Well, what was your reaction exactly? Do you remember? All those times I was looking for a shoulder to cry on? What did you tell me? "This is too depressing. I don't want to talk about it." Ah, right. That. Well, I don't want to talk about how your grandparents are giving you a hard time. Or how your mom isn't keeping all of your high school notes now that you're living on your own. I don't want to hear about that rash that's bothering you, or how about for what feels like the hundred time, I don't want to hear you moan about how you don't have a girlfriend. I don't want to hear about it, but I did.
This isn't the first time I realize how self centered you are. Remember that time when I spent weeks working on your birthday present? How much you loved it? Oh yes, what happened in mine? You forgot. You weren't even around. A week later, I couldn't help myself and I had to remind you, in order to get a happy birthday. I didn't expect a present or anything. Just a damn happy birthday. I didn't get that either. But it's okay, right? You already forgave yourself over it. So who cares?
Moving along to the last fight. The Glee fight. Ah yes, you remember. This isn't the first time you've gone prissy at me for disliking something you like. You're always like that. You just can't be wrong, can you? You just can't have bad taste in anything. You just have to be right at all times, no matter the opposition. This isn't even about the freaking show. I was sad because of the site not working. What did you say to me? "Stop * * * * * ing to me about it." Ah yes. "Okay, sorry." That's all I said. I hate caring so much about not making you uncomfortable. I have no idea why I do.
You know what's going on in my life. You know all the problems I have and how I feel so depressed and lost. You know my only let out is when I try to talk to you because I can't complain in front of any member of my family, because I have to be the strong one. The pillar. The one that will keep everyone happy and afloat. So I decide to talk about silly things with you. How about the site? We both work there. No. I'm "* * * * * ing". How about what I'm watching on TV? No, you disagree. Seriously, dude. If I want to freaking "* * * * * " about silly things because that'll distract me from my situation, then freaking let me. That's what a friend would do. You don't have to agree with me. You just don't have to get so angry all the time when you do. You turned into insults and name calling. What are you? Five? I'm not you sister. I'm your friend. Your best friend, I have to add. And you wonder why you don't have a girlfriend.
...Want to know why?
You know how you're always prasing yourself about how smart you are? About how much of a great writer you happen to be? How the next novel will be the biggest hit, so much in fact, that you compare yourself to JKR? Must be breezy where you live, because I haven't seen so much air in a person's head before. Wow. You know how girls always dream of their man and say 'Oh, how much I wish for my future husband to be a great writer?' They don't.
You know what a girl wants? She wants someone selfless. We can scratch that from the list, since it appears you can't even listen when someone disagrees, much less when someone wants to talk out their problems. They want someone who listens to THEM, and considering how much you LOVE hearing yourself talk about how amazing you are, then we can scratch that too. They want someone who will support them no matter what. Yeah, did you read all that above? Scratch!
You keep complaining about being alone, and not having a girlfriend and how amazing you are when all those other bastards who aren't as attractive and smart as you are do? Think about it. There's a reason.
I've never met someone so egotistical, self centered and incredibly blind about their own faults like you are. Dude, you believe God himself talks to you. Remember why the devil got kicked out of heaven? Do some thought. Just because you happen to hear yourself talk inside your head as well doesn't mean it's God. It means that you like hearing yourself talk even when you aren't actually talking out loud.
On that note. I was your girlfriend. Yeah, remember those days? I would do anything for you. ANYTHING you asked. Things that I'm not proud of and, to this day, I regret. But you wanted to be friends afterwards. You left me because you wanted to see what was out there for you. What was around. How's that working out for you, fellah?
Yeah, you're not amazing. You're not great. You're not actually God's gift to earth. And the sooner you realize all of that, the sooner you'll find someone who can actually tolerate you. Haven't you thought that sometimes your low self esteem, during those very odd awkward days that actually seems to drop back down to earth, are merely lapses of good sense?
Now, I'm not saying you're not a smart one. You are, when it comes to book smarts. You're a good writer (you're not JKR though) and you could actually write something that's worth reading. But life is so much more than that. Life is about being understanding, about loving someone besides yourself, about giving and not only demanding, and about friendship, something that seem to have forgotten a long time ago.
I'm going to be okay. Why this is happening all at once, I don't know, but I do know that once it happens, it'll be gone. I would have grown up and I will be happier, because I will learn to treasure what I have more. I learned to worship every second I get left with my dad, with my nephew and with my family. I will treasure every cent gained, stop wasting everything, because it would mean that it's not only the effort for the work I make, but the tears and sacrifice of the wait.
And you... I'm sorry to tell you this, but you will find yourself alone, because instead of learning something about yourself, you blame everyone else. And I'll pity you that day. I'll pity you, but I'll move on, just like you've done with me.
Has it helped to write this? Are you moving on with your life and leaving him behind? Are you healing?
No idea what will happen. I just feel better having ranted out about everything I want to say to him, or wanted to tell him at some point. At least, I got rid of the immediate anger that was eating me up since we got into a fight. xD