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Husband is stressing me out b/c of his job


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My husband faced a demotion right after we were married and is now working in his company's warehouse doing grunt work for very little pay and way too many hours. On the plus, he gets good money b/c of all of the overtime, but the hours he works are from about 2pm till any time in the middle of the night. Sometimes he pulls 16-hour days, graveyard shift. So as a result, I am home at night by myself now, and we don't see each other much. Also as a plus, he gets to come home on his breaks, which are only 30 minutes, b/c he works just a 5-minute drive from our house.

 

I try to be home on his breaks, and I've been trying to have meals cooked for him so he can have a nice meal rather than go get fast food (thus also saving us some money). I keep the house clean, do the dishes, have teh meal for him, take care of the dog, pretty much anything so he doesn't feel like he has to do anything except work and sleep, considering I work far fewer hours than he does (I work about 25-30 hours a week while he works about 60). Before he got his demotion, he was working about 50 hours a week but had much better hours, so we split the housework evenly (though we sometimes bickered about it).

 

But now, I try to make it much easier on him, especially considering how much he hates his job and how much they're working him. He barely has time for himself, let alone time to keep up the house, so I don't mind doing more around the house.

 

But he complains so much about his job. We text while he's working, and every other text is about how much he hates his job, how the guys he works with are worthless and stupid (uneducated guys just looking to get to the next payday...unskilled laborers), how he wishes he could see me, how he should just quit without notice. Then he comes home on his breaks, complains about the same stuff, and then talks about not going back before his break is over or not being there on time "b/c no one else gives a crap about getting back on time". Everything I say, it's a retort about how he hates his job (even if I don't talk about his job!).

 

Tonight, I made dinner and he had some when he got home on his break. He said "You didn't overdo it on the onions, did you?" I felt unappreciated. He did that the other night too when I made something. "Did you actually get the potatoes right?" when I made scalloped potatoes. I told him it hurts my feelings when he says things like that, and with teh potatoes thing, he said "I just meant b/c I can never get them right, they are always too hard when I cook them."

 

I dunno, I may be overreacting. I just feel unappreciated and left unsure of what to do. Do I be supportive and let him gripe nonstop about his job? Offer advice? Retort and agree when he complains? When I tell him i hate his job with him, he says "It doesn't help when you say things like that."

 

I don't know what to do but it stresses me out and makes me feel like the little time we do have is wasted. I'm a "find the gratitude in every situation" sort of person, so I feel like we should be grateful he got demoted and not fired (even though they did screw him there) and that he has a job at all and that even though he makes little pay, he gets overtime to keep the bills paid and such. I'm just at a loss.

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He's been looking for another one, but b/c of his hours, he can't really go out and look for anything, so he's having to rely on online applications and submitting resumes adn such. He's college educated (has a CJ degree) and very smart and wants to get into law enforecement but in our town, it's not too easy. A friend of mine works for the jail and is trying to get my husband into that but they only hire during certain times of the year (we'd be set for life with that job b/c my friend has done it for so long and has a really great set up) so taht's a waiting game.

 

In the mean time, he wants to get into serving (restaurant work) b/c he knows I do well with that for very few hours (I make just a little less than he does with half the hours). So he applied somewhere yesterday where his friend works and has some pull but that's a waiting game till then too.

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Does your husband have an up-to-date resume and is actively looking for a new job? I would do that. his bosses seem like they would love for him to quit.

 

I honestly think they are trying to force him to quit b/c of all of the "pieces" that fit together about it all...

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I know it's not forever. We've been through worse. I'm not the best wife in the world and am having to work on a lot of issues within myself that come up in our marriage, and this is my little way of trying to do taht (cooking and such). I guess I shoudln't expect the appreciation of it all though, b/c "expectations are just resentments waiting to happen".

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Hers, were you ever able to research the labor laws where you live to see if the company is in any kind of violation for how they handled his demotion, the work hours and pay etc?

 

I'm not really sure. He looked into it all but it wasn't really clear on what he coudl do, and he sort of just left it alone.

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You don't have to overcompensate for his work frustrations. It's not your job to fix this or even to bend over backward to do all this cooking and cleaning. It sounds like you're starting to feel a bit resentful so maybe just do your own thing and let him have a bowl of cereal for supper sometimes.

 

When he complains, just listen. You don't have to say anything brilliant or fix his problems. Just listen patiently and be sincere in your responses.

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I kind of know how you feel.

 

L's income is solely going toward our hotels pre wedding and honeymoon (about $800) and our spending money for our honeymoon (over $1,000). My income is going for everything the day OF the wedding. Centerpieces, food, bridal party gifts, etc. I make far less than L so I kind of have every penny budgeted at this point until October and since L makes so much more, he has some buffer room in case something happens (ie, a bill comes in or goes out early). The other day he was talking about getting this model airplane. It's super rare and about $100. The first emotion that came up was kind of jealousy because I haven't been able to buy any scrapbook stuff in months because all my income is going to the wedding and he's talking about dropping $100 on a plane even though he's putting just as much into the after wedding as I am in the wedding.

 

anyway, it's easy in that moment to feel unapprectiated. You're trying to do nice things for him to take the stress of him at home since he is so stressed at work and the little nibs can get to you. I would just try sitting down with him and letting him know you aren't doing this to EXPECT apprectitation but you are doing it so he isn't stressed at home but he also needs to realize you are just as stressed about his job because HE'S stressed. Ask him not to moan about the job as much. for right now you guys can't do anything but what you are doing and complaining about it isn't going to change the situation but make - in the end - both of you miserable.

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You don't have to overcompensate for his work frustrations. It's not your job to fix this or even to bend over backward to do all this cooking and cleaning. It sounds like you're starting to feel a bit resentful so maybe just do your own thing and let him have a bowl of cereal for supper sometimes.

 

When he complains, just listen. You don't have to say anything brilliant or fix his problems. Just listen patiently and be sincere in your responses.

 

Well part of me knows that if I don't do it, it won't get done. And I don't mind doing it. And for the cooking, I get bored sitting here alone sometimes so I don't mind cooking (even though I'm not really into cooking as a whole). Plus, I want him to ahve something to look forward to when he comes home on a break. I like feeling all "wifey" but I still wish he could appreciate it more. Even still, though, I just have no idea how to be the supportive wife when it comes to his job.

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Is he mandated to work overtime? I think he should ask his boss for a reduction in hours. I do agree with Ariel that you could work more hours in order to make up for the lost income so that (if possible) he can work fewer hours, and so that you can have a cushion in case he does lose his job or the situation becomes untenable and he needs to quit.

 

I would not respond much when he complains about his job - not argue with him or try to change his mind or perspective - just acknowledge his grievances but try to respond as little as possible so as not to escalate the situation. But I think it would help if there were some other options for him, sounds like he feels really stuck.

 

I think if you are working part-time then you should take up more of the housework slack, but I think you should only do what you can do without feeling unappreciated if he is not super grateful. I don't think he should be behaving the way he is, but clearly he is under a lot of stress and he probably deserves a little slack. If it continues I think you should tell him that he needs to treat you with respect regardless of how he is feeling.

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I think you need some new ambitions. You aren't going to get the appreciation you crave because this isn't so much about you as it is about him. He's caught up in self pity right now. By doing so much for him and then sitting back and waiting for appreciation, you're being high maintenance and are doing more harm than good.

 

Just listening and letting him vent is the best you can do - it's all you can do. It isn't going to make everything better but that ok because it's not up to you to make this better. Se things just aren't in your control. Learn to recognize and accept those things.

 

(my husband worked crappy night jobs for 3 years, in spite of being highly educated and competent. It was rough on everyone.)

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He doesn't have a say in any of the hours he works. He doesn't even know his work hours each day. It changes every day. He'll go in at 2 some days, then 1 other days, then 3 other days. Then he'll work till soemtimes midnight, sometimes 3 am, sometimes 6am. They have to work till the job is done.

 

I don't mind picking up the slack at the house at all. Not at all. Mostly, I just don't want to hear his griping if there's nto much I can do to help the situation. I don't mind him venting to me but when that's all he does, it gets a little exhausting.

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I think you need some new ambitions. You aren't going to get the appreciation you crave because this isn't so much about you as it is about him. He's caught up in self pity right now. By doing so much for him and then sitting back and waiting for appreciation, you're being high maintenance and are doing more harm than good.

 

Just listening and letting him vent is the best you can do - it's all you can do. It isn't going to make everything better but that ok because it's not up to you to make this better. Se things just aren't in your control. Learn to recognize and accept those things.

 

(my husband worked crappy night jobs for 3 years, in spite of being highly educated and competent. It was rough on everyone.)

 

But I'm not sitting back and waiting for appreciation. It just hurt my feelings when he made the remarks about the food was all. I don't expect apprecation for doing more housework or walking the dog or anything. But I do wish that he woulnd't complain so much, especially when I can't be of any help in his eyes.

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If he works crazy hours and the only time he is home is sleep or breaks, I can appreciate you wanting to be there at every break, but sometimes I would pack him a lunch or have something ready to heat up for him - sometimes when someone works crazy hours they don't get any alone time for themselves and maybe if you see him two breaks a day for 5 days a week, maybe make 2 of those breaks without you to start. Make them on regular days.

 

I would not listen to texts about how jerky his coworkers are. He is not going to land a different job with the atitude of snarking on his coworkers. Why not talk about interesting current events or something you have plannned and are looking forward to doing?

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I do try to get him talking about other things. Like we started playing Words with Friends together today and I was trying to talk to him about all of that through our texts but it went back to his job. I tried getting him excited about the food I cooked today, like telling him how it turned out, and it went back to his job. You get where I'm going with this, I'm sure!

 

I don't cook every night. Some nights he'll grab fast food, or one night they'll order pizza for the crew. I get to se ehim on his breaks maybe 3 days a week (sometimes I work night shift and can't be home). Sometimes I am off doing something, like at the bookstore or something. Tomorrow I'm going to a concert in the park with a friend so I won't be here then.

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You might just have to put your foot down, in a nice way. My bf complained constantly about his second job waiting tables, and I would listen but finally just told him if he was that miserable he should quit and figure something else out. Which he eventually did do. I also either changed the subject or didn't respond to really negative texts/comments. I never got angry or said he was wrong, just tried to get the message accross that I wasn't going to deal with it. Nobody can argue with relentless cheerfulness, which is hard to keep up, but at least you'll be doing what you need to do to keep your sanity.

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That's not the issue here at all. He doesn't have a say in the hours he works.

 

 

You said he works OT a lot. To me, that means he's working more than required.

 

Still, you said you earn twice what he does, so why don't you work full-time, and he can take a break for a while? I mean, this is what marriage is about. If you really love him, I would have thought you would have offered this by now.

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I wanted to add, I think your attitude is a bit selfish. You see your husband is miserable and feeling devalued, yet, rather than offer a solution that would require effort, you are complaining that he doesn't like your potatoes.

 

I think making a marriage work means you sometimes step up and put your partner first. Why not try that, rather than making this about you?

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I wanted to add, I think your attitude is a bit selfish. You see your husband is miserable and feeling devalued, yet, rather than offer a solution that would require effort, you are complaining that he doesn't like your potatoes.

 

I think making a marriage work means you sometimes step up and put your partner first. Why not try that, rather than making this about you?

 

I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with her potatoes and the fact that she's trying to do things at home so he doesn't have to do so much at home because he's doing a lot at work and him making comments about what she's doing (in this instance, her cooking).

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I never said I make twice as much as he does. I said I make a bit less.than he does. Certainly not enough though for us to cover our bills alone. And his overtime is required. He doesn't get a choice there.

 

I'm not being selfish. You've clearly missed everything else I've said in this thread. It seems you're just trying to stir up trouble yet again.

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