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One night stand vs Making love


annalisa84

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My relationship is a bit shaky at the moment.

I have issues to open up and trust him, he expects me to commit to him more after 6 months etc.

So our sex life has gone down the hill.

He rejects me.

 

So on Sunday, we hadn't had sex for a whole week, I was trying as usual to flirt with him, but respected when he said again no. I was still feeling a bit edgy though. Then I was online and made some stupid test that told me I might not be completely straight (I am). Told this to my boyfriend and he answered that wow, then there is still hope for him for a threesome. ?! I must say I somehow lost it then. For almsot two months he has been rejecting me day after day, having sex with me maybe once a week and even then.. well more out of duty than passion. What made it worse for me is that he has been promiscuous in the past and has told me he has had threesomes. So I felt like I cant handle it anymore, like I am clearly not good enough for him..

 

Anyway, we ended up discussing why he doesnt want to have sex with me anymore and he told me he needs us to be okay as he must feel all the love and good things between us to be passionate. I continued to ask about the numerous onenightstands and how come he was able to be passionate with them without the love/commitment etc. And he told me "With a onenightstand it is easier". By then I completely lost it. What I understood is that it is easier for him to desire a random $&"& at a club and take her to his bed and make passionate sex, than desire me. I really dont know how else to take it.

 

I asked him to drop the subject and we have been sweeter with each other ever since, ignoring the problem, no sex of course. But now the tables have turned.. I cannot imagine making love with him, I got rejection after rejection and now I feel that I am even below the onenightstands. If I would meet him at a club tonite I would have more chance to feel his passion than now living in the same house, sharing his bed every night.

 

He says he loves me and I only feel like this cos I have trouble committing and I'm looking for excuses. That if I believe in us more, he will get his passion back and everything will be okay.

 

Any advise is welcomed, but most of all.. please peopel explain me how it is easier for him to desire a onenightstand than a woman he loves, me. How can it be EASIER for him to have sex with a stranger than make love to me?

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I don't completely understand the situation, but I can related to one night stands being very different from being in a relationship. One night stands are purely physical. What aren't you committing to? He may either feel rejected by you on an emotional level and therefore can't or will not be physical with you. The other option could be he is using the physical part of the relationship as a tool to get you to commit to him more, which is wrong but people do it.

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Thanks, dullmoment05!

I know my post doesn't take much sense as I was writing as fast as I could in the office

 

All I want to know is why my boyfrined is saying that being passionate with a onenightstand is easier than with his long term girlfriend, me?!

This sentence makes me feel really really bad and i was wondering whether there is any not hurtful explination to this.

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I don't think it matters why he feels the way he does since it has no relevance to the issues you have between you. It sounds like neither of you wants to make love to the other person right now - that is the only issue. It's easier to focus on analyzing why he can have sex with strangers but not with you because they're strangers and the analysis is not as personal or difficult. But I'd focus on the only real issue if I were you and figure out if the passion and feelings/connection between you can be revived not just so you'll want to have sex but so you'll want to be intimate emotionally and physically whether or not intercourse is involved.

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I have been working on this intimacy issue for almost two months now.

First I tried to seduce, flirt etc.

But I have higher sexual libido than he does, so he asked me just to back off a bit.

I was allowed to initiate but when he said no, I had to back off - no pressure.

But then he asked me to stop asking for sex all together.

And last week it went as far as he asked me not to kiss him goodnite with a tongue or longer than 15 seconds, just a peck and done.

I'm not joking.

 

So he is REALLY refusing to have sex with me.

Well usually once a week we do have and he is great in bed.. but I can feel that he is not really into it.

 

He tells me that it is because he needs everything in realtionship to be okay to feel passionate and have sex, but how come did he have so many onenightstand then.

His answer was.. it is easier with onenightstands.

 

I dont know what to do anymore.

I love him and I want to work on our relationship issues, but I mean.. nothing so dramatic has happened that it woudl make sense to give up sex all together!

I miss feeling ike a woman, like he desires me.. like thsi realtionship satisfies me!

 

Any suggestions?

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I can see how being rejected has made you feel this way but I see his point very clearly because I am a man.

 

I have had one night stands were it was all about raw sex and then I was with my ex and we made love. Trust me when I tell you what he wants with you (making love) is so much better than just banging some strange that you meet in a bar. Basically a one night stand is two people using each other for sexual gradification and making love is totally unselfish and giving.

 

He sounds like if he can't have the unselfish love making he desires he doesn't want anything. It may be a game which I don't like but you have to admire his wil power as I would have caved and jumped your bones!

 

He is refusing to just have sex as he wants it to be more. It isn't that he doesn't want you, he just wants ALL of you, not just your body.

 

Lost

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Wow, lostandhurt!

The reason you offered makes me feel a little bit better as it is somehow what he has been trying to tell me and its good to hear that it actually could be true as other people have felt the same.

But I guess by now I am so unsatisfied and rejected that I still envy those strangers who at least got the "raw sex".

Nonono.. I'm definitely jealous as they got to know his passion and all i get is rejection.

 

At any rate, my Enotalone friends, how can I convince my boyfriend to have sex with me again?

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I just think you two have different libidos and obviously this is a big problem for you. I think the him you see now is pretty much the real him. Sure he could up the sex a bit to make you happy, which he should do... but deep down I just think his interest in sex isn't on the same level yours is. Also I don't think one night stands has any bearing on this issue. One night stand is pure physical sex that is new and exciting. I'm sure the first time you two had sex it was awesome, new and exciting. I think now that it's evening out a bit and that excitement is gone he's settled in to his regular once or twice a week libido. Just my opinion. Seems like it's more about sex to you than it is to him.

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But we have been together only 6 months!!!!

I understand that sex might be a routine after some years.. but 6 MONTHS!!!

 

So what am i supposed to do?

To accept that it is easy for him to get excited about someone new like a onenighststand or a new girlfriend.

But rathet dofficult to be passionate about someone you date longer, you see on a daily basis, you live with and are in love with.

 

I mean that would be devasting as that woudl mean we shoudl break up!

There is no way I want to keep having a relationship where we have sex once a week when I am 26!!!

And secretly he would please himself thinking about some strangers or even worse look for excitement from onenightsstands and cheat on me.

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It seems to me that the roles are reversed here. You want sex and he wants to make love. It is usually the guy that just wants sex and the woman wants more of an emotional connection.

I think words have a better chance of helping here than lets say you walking around in a thong!

How about you sit down with him and ask him to describe to you what making love means to him. Have him explain what he wants in detail. Tell him you want him to help you understand where he is coming from and that you want to fulfill all he wants and needs.

 

You do need to try and be more open emotionally to him and figure out why you are so closed off. Imagine having sex with the person you love knowing they don't trust you or are wary of opening up and truly giving all of themelves to you. That is what he may be feeling. He doesn't just want to use you to get off, he wants more and you will need to show a willingness to give him that.

 

Start off slow, be close to him, take your time and I mean a lot of time like watching a movie on the couch holding each other and touching and rubbing his shoulders. Try and let down your guard and be vulnerable, take your time and kiss him once in a while but don't be aggressive and then go back to watching the movie. If you do this during the whole movie he should feel more relaxed and see that you truly want something more sexually with him.

 

Us guys have to deal with this stuff all the time so now you know what we go through. Rejection sucks giant monkey butt!!!

 

Do you love him?

 

Lost

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Rejection sucks giant monkey butt!!!

 

Do you love him?

 

Lost

 

Giant monkey butt indeed!

I feel like I cannot stand still as there is an animal inside of me demanding to be released.

Pleasing myself and porn dont help either as it just makes me think of real sex and even more restless.

(Im not as skilled in reaching the same levels alone than with a man, at all)

 

And yes I love him, I definitely do and I dont want to break up.

I think he is an amazing man.

And before all this rejection began, he was the most generous and amazing lover I have had as well.

 

But we came from very different places, he was single for last 7 years and very promiscous. He said he was just looking for the right one and really wants to be in relationship, in a great realtionship. But who knows. Maybe he is now rejecting me cos he is so used to switching the girls and have something new and exciting in his bedroom that he is just bored of me.

 

Me, I was together with my ex fiance for 4 years and found out he hooked up with transexuals on the side, so when it comes to believing in love, relationship and trust.. well, I'm rather sceptical and struggle to believe in happy endings. But I am giving this relationsip all of myself, maybe a little bit more cautiously and slower than I should.

 

I want him to come back to me, I want to have sex, but I'm so hurt cos of his rejection that I dont even know whether I coudl do it anymore.

So frustrating.

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Oh goodness, this is such an easy question to answer. Okay, Annalisa, listen up, here's the deal.

 

With a ONS, you don't have to care how they feel, what they feel, worry about seeing them afterwards (if you don't want to), nothing. It's completely guilt-free pleasure. There's almost never any emotional history getting in the way of busting a ___.

 

That's why they call it no strings attached. However, sex in a relationship almost always becomes a responsibility for one of the people in the relationship. There's nothing BUT strings. There's nothing but the emotional weight of every fight, every cross word, ever side eye, everything. And he knows he has to see you all the time. It's a chore now. And you going all Linda Blair on him about it basically guarantees that he will never ever see sex with you as anything other than a requirement. A chore. How can a chore ever be spontaneous or pleasurable?

 

Because, really, look how you reacted. You basically did tell him it's a chore. You're basically arguing for maintenance sex. A tune-up.

 

Sex is one of those things that should be so much fun that it's never a responsibility or a chore so that everyone always wants it. The second that it becomes a chore, that sex life is probably on the decline.

 

Hope this helps.

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My suggestion was not to focus as much on intercourse as the measure of intimacy but to work on intimacy overall -emotional, physical and sexual - from what I understand many sex therapists require that a couple in your situation avoid having sex even if they desire it to work on the other parts of the relationship and to reignite the spark.

 

Of course if your top priority is to be with someone who desires sex more than once a week and you are not willing to spend time working on this issue without having intercourse then he is not the guy for you. Of course he has to work on it too. Your being all resentful about his past ability to have one night stands will get you nowhere fast.

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I think you are getting some really good advice here so read and re-read it.

 

I was with my ex for a long time and had a fantastic sex life. Now divorced I have been with......a number of women and I can tell you I can't wait to be in a relationship with just one woman that I can give my all to in bed. I am very unselfish in bed but it is very hard to give every ounce of energy you have for them when there is no deep feelings, no deep love and commitment. Intimacy as my hero above(batya) has pointed out is key.

 

Most any guy can get an erection and stick in anything so you shouldn't be resentful of that........

 

Lost

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I agree with lost and batya, you have your answers in this thread. As hex said, a ONS is about having a random body to play with. But when you're in a relationship, sex is an expression of your bond, emotions and love. If your partner has hurt you in some way, it can be almost impossible to step back and just have sex. You don't see this sexy, desirable creature you want to melt into. You see this horrid monster that has hurt you on a very deep level. Poof.

 

Think of your sex life as your relationship barometer. If you concentrate on fixing the real issues in your relationship, your sex life will flourish on its own.

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Annalisa - I hate to say this but I made the mistake of saying something very similar to my bf in the beginning of our relationship. So many years later he still resents me for it and brings it up. I told him cuz I was trying to explain the psychology behind it but unfortunately damage is done. For me it's easier bcuz connecting emotionally w/a person is so difficult & I'm still trying to figure out why. I can tell you that part of the ease of being w/a stranger is not having to be vulnerable at all. In an intimate relationship being vulnerable & open is essentially what makes the relationship intimate. Is it possible he was hurt before deeply to where he might have shut that part of him off? If all he's had re ONS he might not know what love making really is. I feel I have that problem too. Try if you can to not take it totally personal and maybe show him some compassion that might help him open up and help you two to reconnect. I thank you for sharing this bcuz it's enlightening to a person like myself who has a hard time equating sex with love.

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