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Thread: One night stand vs Making love

  1. #1
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
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    One night stand vs Making love

    My relationship is a bit shaky at the moment.
    I have issues to open up and trust him, he expects me to commit to him more after 6 months etc.
    So our sex life has gone down the hill.
    He rejects me.

    So on Sunday, we hadn't had sex for a whole week, I was trying as usual to flirt with him, but respected when he said again no. I was still feeling a bit edgy though. Then I was online and made some stupid test that told me I might not be completely straight (I am). Told this to my boyfriend and he answered that wow, then there is still hope for him for a threesome. ?! I must say I somehow lost it then. For almsot two months he has been rejecting me day after day, having sex with me maybe once a week and even then.. well more out of duty than passion. What made it worse for me is that he has been promiscuous in the past and has told me he has had threesomes. So I felt like I cant handle it anymore, like I am clearly not good enough for him..

    Anyway, we ended up discussing why he doesnt want to have sex with me anymore and he told me he needs us to be okay as he must feel all the love and good things between us to be passionate. I continued to ask about the numerous onenightstands and how come he was able to be passionate with them without the love/commitment etc. And he told me "With a onenightstand it is easier". By then I completely lost it. What I understood is that it is easier for him to desire a random $&"& at a club and take her to his bed and make passionate sex, than desire me. I really dont know how else to take it.

    I asked him to drop the subject and we have been sweeter with each other ever since, ignoring the problem, no sex of course. But now the tables have turned.. I cannot imagine making love with him, I got rejection after rejection and now I feel that I am even below the onenightstands. If I would meet him at a club tonite I would have more chance to feel his passion than now living in the same house, sharing his bed every night.

    He says he loves me and I only feel like this cos I have trouble committing and I'm looking for excuses. That if I believe in us more, he will get his passion back and everything will be okay.

    Any advise is welcomed, but most of all.. please peopel explain me how it is easier for him to desire a onenightstand than a woman he loves, me. How can it be EASIER for him to have sex with a stranger than make love to me?
    Last edited by annalisa84; 05-24-2011 at 08:04 AM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
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    I know my post is long and most likely doesn't make much sense, but even telling me I am overreacting is a very helpful advice

  3. #3
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    I don't completely understand the situation, but I can related to one night stands being very different from being in a relationship. One night stands are purely physical. What aren't you committing to? He may either feel rejected by you on an emotional level and therefore can't or will not be physical with you. The other option could be he is using the physical part of the relationship as a tool to get you to commit to him more, which is wrong but people do it.

  4. #4
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
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    Thanks, dullmoment05!
    I know my post doesn't take much sense as I was writing as fast as I could in the office

    All I want to know is why my boyfrined is saying that being passionate with a onenightstand is easier than with his long term girlfriend, me?!
    This sentence makes me feel really really bad and i was wondering whether there is any not hurtful explination to this.
    Last edited by annalisa84; 05-24-2011 at 11:32 AM.

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  6. #5
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    I don't think it matters why he feels the way he does since it has no relevance to the issues you have between you. It sounds like neither of you wants to make love to the other person right now - that is the only issue. It's easier to focus on analyzing why he can have sex with strangers but not with you because they're strangers and the analysis is not as personal or difficult. But I'd focus on the only real issue if I were you and figure out if the passion and feelings/connection between you can be revived not just so you'll want to have sex but so you'll want to be intimate emotionally and physically whether or not intercourse is involved.

  7. #6
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
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    I have been working on this intimacy issue for almost two months now.
    First I tried to seduce, flirt etc.
    But I have higher sexual libido than he does, so he asked me just to back off a bit.
    I was allowed to initiate but when he said no, I had to back off - no pressure.
    But then he asked me to stop asking for sex all together.
    And last week it went as far as he asked me not to kiss him goodnite with a tongue or longer than 15 seconds, just a peck and done.
    I'm not joking.

    So he is REALLY refusing to have sex with me.
    Well usually once a week we do have and he is great in bed.. but I can feel that he is not really into it.

    He tells me that it is because he needs everything in realtionship to be okay to feel passionate and have sex, but how come did he have so many onenightstand then.
    His answer was.. it is easier with onenightstands.

    I dont know what to do anymore.
    I love him and I want to work on our relationship issues, but I mean.. nothing so dramatic has happened that it woudl make sense to give up sex all together!
    I miss feeling ike a woman, like he desires me.. like thsi realtionship satisfies me!

    Any suggestions?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I can see how being rejected has made you feel this way but I see his point very clearly because I am a man.

    I have had one night stands were it was all about raw sex and then I was with my ex and we made love. Trust me when I tell you what he wants with you (making love) is so much better than just banging some strange that you meet in a bar. Basically a one night stand is two people using each other for sexual gradification and making love is totally unselfish and giving.

    He sounds like if he can't have the unselfish love making he desires he doesn't want anything. It may be a game which I don't like but you have to admire his wil power as I would have caved and jumped your bones!

    He is refusing to just have sex as he wants it to be more. It isn't that he doesn't want you, he just wants ALL of you, not just your body.

    Lost
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
    Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness;
    Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.

  9. #8
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
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    Wow, lostandhurt!
    The reason you offered makes me feel a little bit better as it is somehow what he has been trying to tell me and its good to hear that it actually could be true as other people have felt the same.
    But I guess by now I am so unsatisfied and rejected that I still envy those strangers who at least got the "raw sex".
    Nonono.. I'm definitely jealous as they got to know his passion and all i get is rejection.

    At any rate, my Enotalone friends, how can I convince my boyfriend to have sex with me again?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member testcase's Avatar
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    I just think you two have different libidos and obviously this is a big problem for you. I think the him you see now is pretty much the real him. Sure he could up the sex a bit to make you happy, which he should do... but deep down I just think his interest in sex isn't on the same level yours is. Also I don't think one night stands has any bearing on this issue. One night stand is pure physical sex that is new and exciting. I'm sure the first time you two had sex it was awesome, new and exciting. I think now that it's evening out a bit and that excitement is gone he's settled in to his regular once or twice a week libido. Just my opinion. Seems like it's more about sex to you than it is to him.
    And I'm not really sure why I let you win, Or even why I let it begin.
    I've always been an easy in, And easy out the door again.
    And I know it's only because you're down, That you'd ever want to come around.
    Just a little secret in a little town, You had me but it's over now.
    You'll get my attention again somehow.
    It's no problem.

    - Local H

  11. #10
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
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    But we have been together only 6 months!!!!
    I understand that sex might be a routine after some years.. but 6 MONTHS!!!

    So what am i supposed to do?
    To accept that it is easy for him to get excited about someone new like a onenighststand or a new girlfriend.
    But rathet dofficult to be passionate about someone you date longer, you see on a daily basis, you live with and are in love with.

    I mean that would be devasting as that woudl mean we shoudl break up!
    There is no way I want to keep having a relationship where we have sex once a week when I am 26!!!
    And secretly he would please himself thinking about some strangers or even worse look for excitement from onenightsstands and cheat on me.

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