Jump to content

Advice on how to fix a relationship after cheating?


lorraine22

Recommended Posts

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. About a week ago, I got a Facebook message from a girl telling me that my boyfriend has been cheating on me with her on and off since the start of the year.

 

My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship, seeing eachother every weekend. I couldn't wait till I saw him next to confront him, so through instant messaging (the easiest/cheapest way we can communicate) I confronted him. As soon as I said her name, he said we should just break up.

 

For a few days I was angry and hurt of course, not only for finding out this news, but because he wouldn't speak to me or give me a proper explanation. So I told my mom everything that happened and about how angry and upset I was.

 

For the last few days, he and I have been talking a lot. He gave me an explanation and apology, saying he had been going through a time of confusion but now realizes the whole thing with this other girl was a complete mistake. He said how devastated he is about it and how he may have lost me forever. He said he has completely cut off contact with the other girl, telling her that I am his soulmate and nothing can change that.

 

He said he needs me in his life and still loves me, and I said the same to him. He knows how hurt I am by this and he said he will do anything to fix it. I know everyone says once a cheater, always a cheater, but I love him with all my heart, even after being put through this. Three years together is too long to to just throw away, so I am willing to give him another chance so we can really work at it and make it work.

 

So what I am really seeking advice on is how to let my family know that we are working on things. My parents were just as upset and angry as I was and probably want nothing to do with him. How can I tell them that I can't just cut him out of my life and that we are going to give it another try? I don't want them to think I am making the wrong choice by getting back together with him. Of course I appreciate their opinion, but when it comes down to it, its my choice.

 

I will appreciate any advice on the situation, thank you in advance.

Link to comment

From my experience,I would advice you to leave it.you might be able to live with the face that he cheated but I don't think you will ever forget.he might loves you to bits but he will cheat again....(from my experience). Are you willing to go thru that again?

I know it's real hard cause you love him.... time will help u....just give it a bit of time and have a think about the whole thing all over before you do anything

Hug***

Link to comment

I think your parents are smart!

 

The fact that you are going to take him back so quickly, shows a lack of self respect. This guy will most certainly know that he can away with again, as you don't value yourself enough, and are immediately ready for reconciliation.

 

The way he handled the situation after the confrontation, shows that he is not sorry for his actions, and was quite disrespectful. Personally, I would NEVER return to someone who cheated but, if I did I would think that counseling would be in order-for him .

 

In this case ,I believe he will cheat again, b/c he knows there are no consequences.

Link to comment

What do you think was the source of confusion? Did he say? Was it the long distance? If so, when do you have plans to make it a shorter distance? Was it something else?

 

I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater" - but I DO believe that unless you address the root of the problem (as well as communication - because cheating is one BIG communication fail), it will happen again. Simply being sorry isn't enough.

 

That being said... you are asking how to tell your family. I kind of think it was a mistake to tell them in the first place - for reasons like this. But it's too late for that...

 

I think you just have to tell them. Tell them that the long distance was hard (or whatever it was) and that you have decided to try to work things out. To please respect your decision and to give you the privacy you need to see if you can work through things. Like you said, it's your choice. They likely won't like it... but when they protest just say "I understand, but I would still like to see if we can work things out". Then end the conversation and walk away.

 

All the best... I'm sure you have a difficult time ahead of you...

Link to comment

I disagree with the others in a certain extent (except for the poster above). I don't think it devalues you. But you need to be careful. There is a high chance that it'd happen again but there is also a chance that he has realized his mistakes. Only you could decide and judge. How do you want to deal with this? And if you're taking him back, there will be trust issues. Both of you would need to patiently work on this. It will be work. Up to you.

Link to comment

Thankyou for replying everyone.

 

The reason I told my parents is because I was so angry when I found out and had no one else to tell (I live with my parents). I do wish now that I had've kept those details to myself.

 

Our relationship was not always long distance - we met at college, which is 10 minutes from the town I live in. For the first two years of our relationship, he was living on campus so we got to see eachother all the time. He finished school and moved back home to look for work. He lives an hour away from me. He said the distance was one of the reasons. He said it was hard only seeing me once a week and well, that he was tempted.

 

I'm not saying that we are getting back together right away, we just agreed that we want to remain in eachother's lives because we do love eachother, whether it be as friends or eventually ending up back together.

 

Thankyou for the advice everyone.

Link to comment

Can I ask why you are so quick in resolving this? It's only been around a one week mark from first finding out, to reconciling. Not a lot of time. Do you not question why he said he wanted to break it off right when you questioned him? Do you know for a fact that these are the things he told her? Do you wonder or question what intentions or motives this gal had in contacting you to tell you? Do you feel that living with knowing your BF cheated is going to help matters when your relationship is a LDR? Have you taken the time to evaluate and think about these things, and been truthful with yourself....no matter how hard or how much the truth hurts? Three years is a substantial relationship, but what exactly is your BF going to do in order to rectify this? How does he propose, especially the distance factor, that he is going to be able to show and prove his new found 'honesy, loyalty, love, and friendship' with you the other 5 out of 7 nights of the week when you're not there? What, by his word? Now he's being truthful? Where is this other gal now, and how exactly does he know her? Did she end it with him? And if not, are you sure that she didn't tell you so that she could have him? And if so, do you think she's going to step easily out of the picture after having a relationship and sleeping with your BF for the last 6 months..a 1/2 year? Just some food for thought, if you hadn't thought of these things.

 

As for your parents, you're just going to have to be honest. Tell them you understand their concerns, and don't blame them. That you are willing to give him another shot, and although you don't expect them to like him now, you would ask that they at least treat him with human decency if and when they see or talk to him. If I were your Dad, I'd be asking for a little talk with the man, and your BF would and should take his lickin' with no complaints.

Link to comment

i'm 6 weeks in to finding out and i still haven't made a definitive decision about it all.

Making a snap decision won't give you the time you need to really figure out how you truly feel about it.

And yes, I agree, making that quick decision to take him back does show a lack of self-respect.

Take some time apart, and figure it out

Best of luck x

Link to comment

Wow. This was a very very quick upheaval and turn of events. And now you are back on his side ready to help make excuses for him to your family. There are some huge things here that you seem to have just sailed over. His initial reaction was the most honest one. He got busted and he just caved in and wanted to break up. You confronted him and he had no explanation. zero. Then he regrouped and considered his options. He worked on his story and gauged your dependency then slowly moved back into your good graces. He even played the "soul mate" card. Sorry but people do not cheat on their soulmates. It is amazing how he shifted responsibility to the other woman by telling you that he got her sorted out and that she has to accept you are the one for him. What???

 

This guy cheated on you for a long period of time. He shared enough information with her that she was able to locate and contact you through FB. You heard about the cheating directly from her. Doesn't all the amount to a huge betrayal rather than him just going through some changes? You have to truly understand the mind of a cheater. They cheat because they think they will never get caught and if they do, they can get you to forgive them. All this is thought out and considered ahead of time. A cheater will never run with scissors or pick a fight with a bigger guy...why? Because he will get hurt. But he will cheat on you because he does not respect you and knows you will cave in and forgive him.

 

This guy has just run the whole list of things that you wanted to hear. If a three year relationship is something too precious to throw away, then why did he do it? The bottom line is that by accepting him back, you are giving him a blank check for future misbehavior. This really sounds like a mistake!

Link to comment

Yes...the keyword "LONG". How is he confused for that long to not realize he's been cheating on you?

 

You have to be realistic in this situation including if this LDR is really working out. It can be very tough especially when infidelity happens.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...