Advice on how to fix a relationship after cheating?
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. About a week ago, I got a Facebook message from a girl telling me that my boyfriend has been cheating on me with her on and off since the start of the year.
My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship, seeing eachother every weekend. I couldn't wait till I saw him next to confront him, so through instant messaging (the easiest/cheapest way we can communicate) I confronted him. As soon as I said her name, he said we should just break up.
For a few days I was angry and hurt of course, not only for finding out this news, but because he wouldn't speak to me or give me a proper explanation. So I told my mom everything that happened and about how angry and upset I was.
For the last few days, he and I have been talking a lot. He gave me an explanation and apology, saying he had been going through a time of confusion but now realizes the whole thing with this other girl was a complete mistake. He said how devastated he is about it and how he may have lost me forever. He said he has completely cut off contact with the other girl, telling her that I am his soulmate and nothing can change that.
He said he needs me in his life and still loves me, and I said the same to him. He knows how hurt I am by this and he said he will do anything to fix it. I know everyone says once a cheater, always a cheater, but I love him with all my heart, even after being put through this. Three years together is too long to to just throw away, so I am willing to give him another chance so we can really work at it and make it work.
So what I am really seeking advice on is how to let my family know that we are working on things. My parents were just as upset and angry as I was and probably want nothing to do with him. How can I tell them that I can't just cut him out of my life and that we are going to give it another try? I don't want them to think I am making the wrong choice by getting back together with him. Of course I appreciate their opinion, but when it comes down to it, its my choice.
I will appreciate any advice on the situation, thank you in advance.
From my experience,I would advice you to leave it.you might be able to live with the face that he cheated but I don't think you will ever forget.he might loves you to bits but he will cheat again....(from my experience). Are you willing to go thru that again?
I know it's real hard cause you love him.... time will help u....just give it a bit of time and have a think about the whole thing all over before you do anything
I think your parents are smart!
The fact that you are going to take him back so quickly, shows a lack of self respect. This guy will most certainly know that he can away with again, as you don't value yourself enough, and are immediately ready for reconciliation.
The way he handled the situation after the confrontation, shows that he is not sorry for his actions, and was quite disrespectful. Personally, I would NEVER return to someone who cheated but, if I did I would think that counseling would be in order-for him .
In this case ,I believe he will cheat again, b/c he knows there are no consequences.
What do you think was the source of confusion? Did he say? Was it the long distance? If so, when do you have plans to make it a shorter distance? Was it something else?
I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater" - but I DO believe that unless you address the root of the problem (as well as communication - because cheating is one BIG communication fail), it will happen again. Simply being sorry isn't enough.
That being said... you are asking how to tell your family. I kind of think it was a mistake to tell them in the first place - for reasons like this. But it's too late for that...
I think you just have to tell them. Tell them that the long distance was hard (or whatever it was) and that you have decided to try to work things out. To please respect your decision and to give you the privacy you need to see if you can work through things. Like you said, it's your choice. They likely won't like it... but when they protest just say "I understand, but I would still like to see if we can work things out". Then end the conversation and walk away.
All the best... I'm sure you have a difficult time ahead of you...
Today, 01:35 AM
I disagree with the others in a certain extent (except for the poster above). I don't think it devalues you. But you need to be careful. There is a high chance that it'd happen again but there is also a chance that he has realized his mistakes. Only you could decide and judge. How do you want to deal with this? And if you're taking him back, there will be trust issues. Both of you would need to patiently work on this. It will be work. Up to you.
"Let us live life so that when we die, even the undertaker would be sorry." - Mark Twain.
I post from my iPhone sometimes so pardon the typos.
Thankyou for replying everyone.
The reason I told my parents is because I was so angry when I found out and had no one else to tell (I live with my parents). I do wish now that I had've kept those details to myself.
Our relationship was not always long distance - we met at college, which is 10 minutes from the town I live in. For the first two years of our relationship, he was living on campus so we got to see eachother all the time. He finished school and moved back home to look for work. He lives an hour away from me. He said the distance was one of the reasons. He said it was hard only seeing me once a week and well, that he was tempted.
I'm not saying that we are getting back together right away, we just agreed that we want to remain in eachother's lives because we do love eachother, whether it be as friends or eventually ending up back together.
Thankyou for the advice everyone.
It's just easier to move on. I tried, it never works.
"I am and always will be- the optimist. The hoper of far-flung hopes. The dreamer of improbable dreams." - The Eleventh Doctor
When life doesn’t go quite as planned yell “plot twist!” and move on. -- Thanks for this, Sherry. :)
Can I ask why you are so quick in resolving this? It's only been around a one week mark from first finding out, to reconciling. Not a lot of time. Do you not question why he said he wanted to break it off right when you questioned him? Do you know for a fact that these are the things he told her? Do you wonder or question what intentions or motives this gal had in contacting you to tell you? Do you feel that living with knowing your BF cheated is going to help matters when your relationship is a LDR? Have you taken the time to evaluate and think about these things, and been truthful with yourself....no matter how hard or how much the truth hurts? Three years is a substantial relationship, but what exactly is your BF going to do in order to rectify this? How does he propose, especially the distance factor, that he is going to be able to show and prove his new found 'honesy, loyalty, love, and friendship' with you the other 5 out of 7 nights of the week when you're not there? What, by his word? Now he's being truthful? Where is this other gal now, and how exactly does he know her? Did she end it with him? And if not, are you sure that she didn't tell you so that she could have him? And if so, do you think she's going to step easily out of the picture after having a relationship and sleeping with your BF for the last 6 months..a 1/2 year? Just some food for thought, if you hadn't thought of these things.
As for your parents, you're just going to have to be honest. Tell them you understand their concerns, and don't blame them. That you are willing to give him another shot, and although you don't expect them to like him now, you would ask that they at least treat him with human decency if and when they see or talk to him. If I were your Dad, I'd be asking for a little talk with the man, and your BF would and should take his lickin' with no complaints.
~Success is to be measured not so much by the position one has reached in life as by obstacles that one has overcome while trying to succeed~ Booker T. Washington
~You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.~(Indian Philosopher (1895-1986)) - J.Krishnamurti
~You were once wild here. Don't let them tame you.~ Isadora Duncan
I thought you were seeing him every few months. You saw him once a week and he still had an affair. This does not make sense!
i'm 6 weeks in to finding out and i still haven't made a definitive decision about it all.
Making a snap decision won't give you the time you need to really figure out how you truely feel about it.
And yes, I agree, making that quick decision to take him back does show a lack of self-respect.
Take some time apart, and figure it out
Best of luck x
"You act as though you haven't seen trees bow to an unborn child before?"
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