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  1. #1
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    Why don't dumpers ever admit they are seeing someone else?

    I've been reading a ton of threads and notice this happens a lot (happened with my ex). A lot of times the dumper doesn't admit they are seeing someone else. Why do you think that is?

    Granted, I know the dumper does not owe anything to the dumpee, but I find it interesting regardless of the situation (dumper is cold or nice or amicable or goes NC, etc)... b/c oftentimes the dumper is in fact seeing someone else already.

  2. #2

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    Because it's hard to enough to break someone's heart. Why compound that?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    If you are referring to the fact that they have started seeing someone else when they haven't yet dumped the first person...then yeah, they won't acknowledge it because then they would have to acknowledge the fact that they cheated...or had someone else lined up first before dumping you so that they won't have to be single.
    "A word to the kind: when I sense I'm hurting someone, I am. The fact that someone would be weak enough to tolerate that from me doesn't make me less responsible for my actions, it makes me more responsible". Catfeeder

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Live-N-Learn's Avatar
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    My ex did not tell me she was seeing anyone else because she still wanted me in her life as a fwb. She wanted to have her cake and eat it to. She was not sure this was the guy she wanted to be with and needed me as a back up. Once she met a guy she really liked she had no problem telling me.
    Time to take responsibility for your choices and stop blaming others. It is fully within your control to make the "next right choice" towards healing.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member JonasWaingaro's Avatar
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    It also makes them look like a total jerk. No one likes that look. And I think the dumpers do owe their SO something, it's called honesty. I will never ever buy into the concept that because you end a relationship you don't owe that person anything anymore. You owe them a a good honest explanation for one. It's a cop-out to expect/accept anything less. I dunno. I gravitated away from the question a might. =p
    My Love is yours
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    If it wasn't that way
    It wouldn't be Love at all
    - Translator

    'If I was a haircut, would you wear a hat,
    If I was a dance floor, would ya shake your thang?'

    'No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.'
    - Nietzsche

  7. #6
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    Seems like many of us dumpees kind of know, with a fair degree of certainty, that our ex is seeing someone. Yet they still won't admit it. It must be a pride/ego/guilt thing for them in that case.

  8. #7
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    Live-n-learn - Your comments happened to me almost exactly.

    My ex played me for 2 months until we had a fight, thats when I found out she was lying and had this guy lined up.
    She was very cleaver.
    They all cheat and hide it until you as the dumpee mess up NC.

  9. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Live-N-Learn View Post
    Once she met a guy she really liked she had no problem telling me.
    YESSSSSS!!!!! I've noticed this A LOT with my friends! When the dumper is with someone they really really like (and I suppose see a long-term future with), only then do they typically admit it. Interesting.

  10. #9
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    There would have to be a variety of reasons because not all people or circumstances are the same. In my case, it had nothing to do with not hurting my feelings. He has done lots to hurt my feelings - and the feelings of others, including members of his own family.

    My dumper not only lied about his cheating, he tried to convince me (and probably everyone else), but mostly himself that I was not a good partner - this just started a few weeks prior to being dumped as far as I know. He deceived because he will never be able to face the truth about himself. He isn't the nice guy he tries to convince himself he is. This is probably why he suffers from severe insomnia and has for years.

    The other reason, I suspect that my dumper didn't tell me about the other woman just in case it doesn't work out with her - so he can keep as many back-up options as possible.

    My dumper needs to be a liar because apart from having had some academic success in his life, though it does look like the university may now deny him his pHd after several years of supposed work on his thesis, he really doesn't have much legitimately going for him. He is a fake and I wonder if there is actually a real person anywhere there.

    He lied because he is a user of people, especially women, and once he has used up and sucked out the life-blood of this woman he will do the same to her as he has to me.

    My dumper has absolutely no physical looks. He is very overweight, losing his hair and lots of unkind things I could say. There are people like him however who do manage to attract members of the opposite sex because they are liars, they know how people tick and how to manipulate them. Being honest would not fit in with his plans.

    I had this done to me before so I have an idea of what to expect. Re my ex ex, saw him in the supermarket around 2 years later and didn't even recognise him. I wouldn't have either except he called out to me. I take heart in the fact that when I walked away from him, I wondered what it ever was I saw in him. So in time, maybe even already, I will feel the same as this one.
    "Let the River Take You. Don't Fight the Current. Eventually You Will Get to the Same Place and You Won't Be So Tired."
    M. Howe.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member endy's Avatar
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    I'm not sure why my ex did this to her boyfriend, and got with me... then left in the same fashion to go back to her ex except I caught her and broke up with her. I think she was keeping me on the backburner in case he wouldn't take her back. I figured out what was going on, asked her if she still had feelings for him and she said she needed time to figure it out. That was enough for me to break up with her and send her on her way.

    If I didn't have good intuition she never would have told me what was going on. She felt guilty she cheated on him with me. She felt guilty the way she left him lying, but then did the same to me. She has depression issues and keeps a lot of her emotions in. I'm not sure the exact reason why besides the fact that she is a coward and a liar. I'm not inside that person's head so I will never know the real reason. I think it has to do with wanting to be happy, and she thinks she needs someone else to be happy. She chases that in love feeling and there for justifies her actions because she thinks it's right to do because she feels that way.

    In all reality, she is just a weak person who is mentally worn down. She can't handle the suffering and the pain, so she avoids it at all costs. Even by cheating and lying. All this does however is make you worse inside. It does not allow healing and growing at the end of the relationship to take place. They do it to avoid suffering and pain, but they also avoid growing and learning. It's just going to prolong the inevitable, which is unhappiness until the day she decides to step back and be happy with herself. If not then more power to her, but I'm not going to be a guy that needs someone else to make him happy. I want someone who is happy with themself first as well as me.
    "If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love.

    -Thich Nhat Hanh

    "Out of a fear of the unknown people prefer suffering that is familiar"

    - Thich Nhat Hanh

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