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  1. #1
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    Life after divorce, what's in there for me?!

    I'm 30 years old, and in the middle of a divorce. I'm about to move back to my home country with 2 babies after two years of a disastrous marriage. I know my relationship is unhealthy, i know we cant go on, not like this. I am also aware that my husband lost any sort of interest to save the relationship as he is extreamely hurt, hopeless and tired.. so am I, but still I would be willing to make an effort for the family.... anyway that's not an option anymore. I'm moving with my parents and taking the two babies. He's fine with that.

    After all that, I can't help to wonder if i will spend the rest of my life alone. To start, the "divorcee" title is not so apeeling, and to finish two kids is a total turn off for anybody. I know that's not a reason so that I do not get divorce, that's out of the question, we can't continue living like this. But I wonder if I ever will be able to experience a real marriage, to have a family. To wake up to a person that loves and supports me and that is happy to see me. I don't know what it is to have a real marriage, a family. Were two people are working, come back home, share stuff, take care of each other. all this time me and my husband were unemployed, sick, depressed. I was pregnant of my first baby, then he second, must of the time we were only fighting and talking about divorce. I never got to experience what it is that your husband is happy aobut you being pregnant, that he kisses you and kisses your belly, i never knew what it is to go out with him and buy the stuff for the baby, clothes, crib, etc. We never discuss anything like that, my husband was never with me in the delivery room. so many experiences that I have missed for being the wrong person. I never until recently had my own home, we were living with my parents, becuase we were unemployed or were paid too little. When we finally could move out, our relationship was already devasted, we were and still are, sleeping in separate rooms and hardly speaking to each other.
    If you really ask me, I don't feel like a married woman, i do not know what it feels to be married, to have a real husband. and Now i feel im carrying the divorce title in vain!
    The same thing with my kids... Whatever thing he does for them, i have to practically drag him.

    I don't know if you get my point, but i feel I havent lived what I'm supossed to, or I least what I wanted, what i was hoping for... when someone ask me, and I tell them that im divorce with two kids, they will imagine that I was so happy that i got to live the family dream for a while and then at the end things didnt work out and now im divorced. but that's not my case!!! I even feel weird saying my husband, or that I'm maried, because is almost like if it wasnt.

    I wonder if anybody will be interested in me after all this, and I wonder if I'll want to have a relationship with someone that is not the father of my kids, I don't want to expose them to any danger by having a mean step dad or something... I have a lot in my head right now as you can see. My only worry is I dont wanna grow old alone. I don't wanna be alone, I want to have a family. I want to have a friend, a lover, a companinon, all in one person... would I be able to experience that?

  2. #2
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    First, I don't know where you're from but the "divorcee" label isn't necessarily one of shame. In fact, it shows you're strong enough to end something that didn't turn out.

    I know how you feel. My husband never made a big deal out of anything involving me - from the wedding to the children, he didn't seem interested. He had more pictures of a woman he dated for eight months than he did of me. No photographer at our wedding (he didn't want the expense) and the day our daughter was born, he didn't want my mother taking a picture of us and our son together. He was a total jerk. I've been divorced 3 1/2 years now.

    What waits for you after divorce? Lots. You get to do the things you want to do and carve a new future for yourself and your children. You get to work for you and them. You may or may not find love again, but you can be very happy alone. Happiness comes from within, not with your relationship status. That said, you probably will find love again. You're young. You can find someone who is family oriented, kind, and excited to be with you just because you're who you are, maybe somebody who's always wanted a family or is also divorced and knows what you're going through.

    There's lots of joy out there. My kids are older (17 and 24 now), so I don't know if your situation would be different, but I've dated as often as I've wanted to. I've realized I enjoy being "alone", not having the pressure of a relationship, so I date casually only. I've traveled, learned to play the cello, decorated my house as I see fit, go out with friends, volunteer in my community, and have a dream job. I've never felt better about who I am and what I've accomplished. I have an excellent life. You can, too. You have to make the decision.

    You can do and be anything you want but, most of all, you have to do what's right for you and your children. How will they see their father? Does he want to be able to visit them? What do the children think about the divorce? Do they love their dad?
    AutumnBorn

    PS Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X for you. And we don't know Y, either.

  3. #3
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    Hi Autum,

    Thanks for your kindfull reply. Well, first of all I'm from Mexico and he is from Egypt, we live in Chicago. My babies are only 14 months old, my son, and my newborn babygirl is only 5 weeks old. I will take my babies to Mexico with me, he has agreed on that, and supposedly he will travel as often as he can to visit them. So it will not be that often as you can imagine.
    My son, he adores his dad, even though he doesnt spend much time with him. My daughter will never remember living with his dad. its very sad and I blame my self for picking the wrong person to father them.
    unfortunately a family is not something that money can buy, (not that i have money, but anyways....) I thought that would be some of the things that I definitely could give to my children, but now it turns out that I won't... I regreat many mistakes i made, i feel bad for myself, but mostly for my kids. I know that they will be alright, but i wanted to give them the best! everything so they could be happy. I feel i took the away the opportunity to be with their dad, and im not saying it because im moving to mexico, but in general, even if we both stayed here, it would be the same.... how often would they see him, twice a month? Anyway... Im still trying to get use to the idea, I know that the worse is still to come, as we are still living in the same house... Im just triying to take it as easy as possible...

  4. #4
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    Have you and your husband tried counseling? Do you think your husband may be depressed? Why did the two of you get married? When did you realize it wasn't going to work out? What will you do for work when you get to Mexico?

    It will be worse for a little while. You'll second guess your decision, wonder "what if", think "if only"....and you'll eventually let go of the dream you had and start to form a new one. You'll be OK, but it will take time to feel happy.

    You and your children definitely deserve more attention and devotion than you're getting. You're not the wrong woman, he's the wrong man. Mexican men are so family oriented, good husbands and fathers deserving of respect and admiration. It must've been very hard for you to realize what you were getting was very different from the example set in your community. I've never known men as dedicated to their families as Mexican men. Maybe you'll get what you deserve when you leave. If you're religious, church may be a good place to find a man who is more family oriented.
    AutumnBorn

    PS Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X for you. And we don't know Y, either.

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  6. #5
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    Thank goodness that he didn't try to get custody and take the kids to Egypt. You might never see them again. The laws are different over there - much different than the US or Mexico. Family is what you make of it. I met someone wonderful after being divorced, so don't give up. Take time to heal and you never know - you could just meet the love of your life after a time. But for now, just focus on the children and getting established in your own right.

    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnBorn View Post
    Mexican men are so family oriented, good husbands and fathers deserving of respect and admiration. It must've been very hard for you to realize what you were getting was very different from the example set in your community. I've never known men as dedicated to their families as Mexican men. Maybe you'll get what you deserve when you leave. If you're religious, church may be a good place to find a man who is more family oriented.
    Not all Mexican men are cookie cutter identical. Some are family oriented, some are not. Some leave their children, some stay forever. Some don't see themselves with a family. Just like anywhere else. Focus on meeting someone - when you are ready - who respects you and you feel you are very compatible with, not just a man "who is a good family man". You want to meet someone who can be a full partner to you rather than checking off the boxes on certain qualities. And don't be afraid to stop dating someone or say "no thank you," too. Right now you want to, after doing some healing, or during, try to identify those things that went wrong. Sure, he could have just been the wrong guy, but I am sure you are now wiser now about what you have to bring to the table, and how to avoid some of the old lines or what red flags are to you.

  7. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken View Post
    ....
    Not all Mexican men are cookie cutter identical. Some are family oriented, some are not. Some leave their children, some stay forever. Some don't see themselves with a family. Just like anywhere else.
    Mexico has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world. Mexicans are also among the most optimistic and happiest people in the world. Researchers think it's because of their strong family bonds. I did a sociology research paper on it when I was in college. They really are just more family oriented.
    AutumnBorn

    PS Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X for you. And we don't know Y, either.

  8. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by AutumnBorn View Post
    Mexico has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world. Mexicans are also among the most optimistic and happiest people in the world. Researchers think it's because of their strong family bonds. I did a sociology research paper on it when I was in college. They really are just more family oriented.
    I'm not buying it honestly. My girl friends from mexico used to say that most men there are very much the macho type, I don't know how women in that country can be really happy if a high number of men act that way. I know some great mexicans tho, but you can find good people in every country.

  9. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sparkly Eyes View Post
    I'm not buying it honestly. My girl friends from mexico used to say that most men there are very much the macho type, I don't know how women in that country can be really happy if a high number of men act that way. I know some great mexicans tho, but you can find good people in every country.

    "Macho" doesn't mean they aren't family oriented. The men there do tend to assume traditional roles (very patriarchal), but that doesn't mean the people involved aren't happy. You and I would find it stifling and oppressive, so it's probably good we aren't Mexican women.
    AutumnBorn

    PS Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X for you. And we don't know Y, either.

  10. #9
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    Hi Amber,
    Don't worry about “at the end of the day” stuff. IE(Will I be alone, Happy, Will anyone be interested in me, (oh yeah), Step dads and so on.) Instead think of the process of finding a suitable mate.

    Don't rush! Put yourself into healthily situations where potential mates an available. Screen potentials. Delay sex. It raises the stakes making it harder to push away from the table or fold. Think long and hard about moving in… it won’t change a hair on any mans head, make him marry you, and will scare off “good guy” potentials.

    The dating process is a period of deception/investigation for a suitable mate. I read a small pamphlet years ago that had some helpful hints on spotting a troubled marriage before it happens. “How to Marry the right Person” Monsignor Vincent Walsh.
    http://www.liguori.org/productdetails.cfm?sku=804236

    At the time I thought if everybody read this no one would ever get married.
    Some questions raised;
    “Does the person have a alcohol/drug problem?”
    “Is your dating partner jealous or possessive?”
    “Is there any physical violence between you and your dating partner?”
    “Dose your partner flirt with members of the opposite sex?”
    “Does your dating partner exhibit promiscuous behavior?”
    “Does your dating partner show an overdependence on parents?”
    “Is your partner superficial, fast talking, a charmer, or frequently unable to keep his or her word?”
    “Does your partner have a rigid or “cold” personality?”
    “Does your partner suddenly explode?”
    “Is your partner often seriously depressed or bothered by serious mood swings?”
    “Does your partner manifest strange or bizarre behavior of any sort?”
    “Does your dating partner want to get out of an unhappy home situation?”
    “Does either parent drink too heavily?”
    “Does a parent have serious physical or emotional problems?”
    “How do your dating partner’s parents interact with one another?”
    “Are your dating partner’s parents separated or divorced?”
    “Has your dating partner been physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by parents?”

    Now years later, I think many marriages might not have happened but it may have saved lifetimes of suffering by the children.

    Take your time… find a compatible mate. A failed marriage is horrible, multiple failed marriages are even worse.

  11. #10
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    Amber,

    There is an entire world waiting for you, and don't let anyone else tell you any differrent!

    There are good men who will love you for who you are, and will be crazy about your kids. Honestly, until recently, I didn't think I'd ever want to date a woman with children. I was one of those guys who was totally turned off by the thought of dating a mom. However, after I gave an old falme of mine a shot after she was divorced (also has two beautiful children, to boot), I discovered that not only am I attracted to her, but bearing witness to what an amazing mother she is to her children only increases my attraction for her. I'm crazy about her AND her kids. And if I'm capable of overcoming that irrational fear of dating a single mom, any man can!

    Also, look at it this way: The fact that you have children will ensure that only men who are serious about giving you a chance will stick around!

    So no, being divorced with two children is not the end of the world at all. In fact, since you're no longer mired in an unhappy marriage, I'd say just the opposite. This can be the start of a completely new and wonderful life for you.

    All the best to you and your little ones.

  12. 05-08-2011, 09:26 AM


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