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Boyfriend isn't going anywhere


MissLiv

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Let me start off by saying that I love my boyfriend very much. He treats me like a queen and would do almost anything for me but I can't help but be nervous about our future.

 

I grew up from a very well-to-do family that believe in education. Even though I wanted a much more modest lifestyle than the one I grew up in (the big house, expensive cars....), I still want a good career and am currently going to college to pursue that. My boyfriend, however, feels differently.

 

He grew up in a modest lifestyle, like what I want, but he's not ambitious. He's had a job for nearly 5 years in retail (for privacy sake, I'm not going to say the company) but is still in the same position as when he started. In fact, I work there part time which is how I met him. He has tried to get promoted but with no success. He makes excuses for his slow progress like how he has been transferred between stores and at one point he tried to go to culinary school (again, no success).

 

He tells me that he's going to move up and make a decent living but I'm having a hard time seeing that happen. He's so stubborn and I believe it's holding him back. For example, this winter he let his hair and beard grow ridiculously out of control and refused to groom himself for an interview. He said it wouldn't make a difference. He also refuses to continue his education claiming he doesn't need a degree. Which he doesn't but I know it's much harder. He is even back living with his parents (even though he plans to move out this summer) and they are constantly getting on him about this. Now he is almost 25 and I am getting nervous.

 

We want a lot of the same things but he strikes me as nieve when it comes to being financially stable. Again, I don't want to be "rich" but I want to be able to have a stable life and a husband that can support that. My family hasn't made it much easier because they keep giving me examples of people the know who "settled" and everything fell apart. Being ambitious and constantly doing everything to better myself, it's hard to accept the fact that my boyfriend isn't going anywhere. I know that if I was in his place at 25, I'd be very pissed at myself.

 

I've tried to talk to him about it but it comes out so hurtful. He even said "I can't believe you are judging me this much because of my status."

 

I'm not sure what I want advice wise. Maybe some thought? This situation is

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25 years old and still living with his parents would be enough of a deal breaker for me. Not cutting your hair or shaving for an interview isn't just stubborn, it's immature and completely unrealistic to think you can go on interviews looking like a bum. Unless you don't want the job because you don't really need it as you already have a free place to stay and a girlfriend who (for now anyway) tolerates this.

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Not cutting your hair or shaving for an interview isn't just stubborn, it's immature and completely unrealistic to think you can go on interviews looking like a bum

I agree he can be very immature. I guess i was very forgiving at first because I am only 20 but I think I am still growing up. By 25, I plan on letting go of my childish acts and be an adult. Do you think that could happen eventually? Or is this just who he is? this all is so confusing

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He is going no where fast. Quite frankly I'm surprised you've put up with him this much so far. If he's going no where it's a shame because you've already fallen in love with him, but honestly from an outside perspective, if you two end up moving in, getting more serious etc. your going to be the one paying the bills.

 

Think about your future.

 

Do you really want it to look like that?

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There is nothing wrong with not being ambitious - it isn't immature, or dumb or childish and he has done nothing for which he requires your 'forgiveness' - that is quite an arrogant stance to be honest. Who are you to 'forgive' him?

 

He just doesn't care for success in the same way as you do or as a lot of other people do. And there is no reason he should change to suit your ambitions any more than you should change to accommodate his lack of ambition. Rather than try to make him do something he clearly doesn't want to do you would be better advised to break up with him and find someone on the same page as yourself in terms of career ambitions.

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@DN - I think that he views success in a similar way. If I am reading it right, the boyfriend in the OP states that he wishes to "move up" and secure a decent income. However, he is not doing anything to get closer to that goal (or something like a goal). Just a thought.

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He's been wanting to move up before we dated [...] but he isnt doing what's necessary to get there

 

Then there's your answer, you just don't 'like' it. People talk a lot. If you use that as a reason to step in as his coach to try to motivate him, then you've just taken on part of his job, and he won't motivate himself.

 

Careful not to take on the role of a parent--it feels creepy, and it is creepy. If you want an ambitious lover, find an ambitious lover. BF will step up and take care of himself in his own time and way, and if he ever wants to catch up with you someday, he'll have no problem making sure you're the first to know it.

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I do think there are a lot of compatibility issue; not only future goals but the overall picture of the relationship. You two can be perfectly fine together as a couple but let's face it, being financially secure or at least being comfortable is important for obvious reasons. Two people can have perfectly different ambitions but if he's not motivated to do anything while you feeling being dragged along it's very possible it could get worse; him getting fired and not being able to find a job. It happens quite often from the story I read here it seems.

 

Like others have said he just has a different approach in life. This is where opposites really don't attract when two people have different goals but at the same time a lot of pulling and pushing is going on. It's up to you to decide whether you two can work it out together or decide to leave if it really isn't going anywhere.

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I think it comes down to what the purpose of having a partner is. If you see them as "providers" or "resources", then the job they have or career ambitions become much more important. Personally I tend not to see people through that lens, but I can understand why some do. I don't care if someone makes minimum wage or 200k/year. As long as they're intelligent, attractive to me, etc, that would be sufficient for me. The extent to which someone wants to be a high level cog in the capitalist wheel would not be a big priority for me.

 

One question--assuming for a moment that he had the job he has now for the rest of his life, what kind of real world limitations would it impose on you? A slightly smaller house? One car instead of two? Can you quantify it?

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25 years old and living at home is pretty typical these days. I would say if he was 40 and never moved out - it might be a dealbreaker, but lots of folks stick with family through school or until they save for a place or until the time is right, especially with the crazy housing market and the job market. My brother was out at 24, then came back at 26 and finally left for good at 30. I don't think staying in the same job is unmotivated - it shows that he is steady and dependable. If he kept getting fired and bouncing around, I would say its a red flag. I think it is in fact a good idea, while you have a steady job, to pursue other things. So he tried culinary school and decided it wasn't for him. Well, that's okay. He didn't quit his day job. BTW, would you have been happy if he had gone all the way with it. After all LOTS of people who go to culinary school end up starting at the bottom rung and work rediculously long adn late hours. Unless you have the magical connection, you usually start out as a cook but definitely not a master chef or head of a restaurant.

 

Also, consider that someone with a more flexible job down the road as far as hours may be a great partner to a corporate ladder climber because they could be there to get the kids ready for school in the morning while you are already at the office if there are kids in the future. Just sayin. And if he has been at his retail job 10 years at that point, his health benefits and perks could be better than yours, who knows. And obviously the job is good enough for you, because you work there right now.

 

Anyway, I think that what would worry me is his pessimism. That would concern me more than his actual job, especially when people are scrambling for them. If he has been a pessimistic person this whole time - can you handle that attitude? If it has just gotten worse of late, maybe he is stressing. But if he is a natural pessimist, that's a life view. So anyway, i guess you have to decide

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For example, this winter he let his hair and beard grow ridiculously out of control and refused to groom himself for an interview. He said it wouldn't make a difference.

 

This is the part that really struck me. It may not necessarily be that he doesn't want to advance, he might be depressed that he has tried to get promoted and it went nowhere so his attitude is now "why bother". Only he can work through that. He has to be the one to finally realize he wants more from his life..and clearly he is not there yet. He may get there in another year..or he may never get there. I have met people who were lacking ambition in their twenties and then suddenly they changed and got really motivated. I have met other men who just plodded along, never got motivated and chose a partner who would take care of him.

 

Right now it sounds like the two of you are incompatible in this regard.

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The truth is, we are very compatible. That's not the issue. It's that he hasn't been making the best choices. He talks all the time about how we are going to end up together. He even asked me to move in with him when he gets his apartment. I personally am concerned about his future and he keeps pointing the finger at the world instead of himself when he doesn't succeed.

 

This is not a compatibility issue

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The truth is, we are very compatible. That's not the issue. It's that he hasn't been making the best choices. He talks all the time about how we are going to end up together. He even asked me to move in with him when he gets his apartment. I personally am concerned about his future and he keeps pointing the finger at the world instead of himself when he doesn't succeed.

 

This is not a compatibility issue

 

But have you always made the best choices in life? Compatibility is key - but you need to respect the person you are with not just like the same movies. if you can't respect them as a person, you need to review the relationship

 

Anyway, I really caution you from moving in with him. I would let yourselves date for awhile until you are at the point of wanting to marry or getting there. To move in just for the sake of moving in usually does not equal a setpping stone to marriage. Get where you want to be and after he gets an apartment, let him get a roommate for awhile and see what that is like first. saying "i see us married SOMEDAY " is not enough to do so. this way, you'll get to know him even better first.

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=Anyway, I really caution you from moving in with him. I would let yourselves date for awhile until you are at the point of wanting to marry or getting there. To move in just for the sake of moving in usually does not equal a setpping stone to marriage. Get where you want to be and after he gets an apartment, let him get a roommate for awhile and see what that is like first. saying "i see us married SOMEDAY " is not enough to do so. this way, you'll get to know him even better first.

 

Okay, I should reword it.

 

I wasn't going to move in with him. I'm just saying that he asked implicating how he plans on having a future with me. Overall, he wants the same things as me but isn't doing anything to make it happen. He's just acting like it will happen. I guess you could call it poor self awareness.

 

And just to clarify, I am not controlling with him. I don't nag him or criticize him nor his job. I've only talked to him about it once when he asked me to move in with him. I didn't want to make that step while having doubts, so, I tried to tell him how I felt just to see what he says. We've had problems before but we are usually work them out easily. He respects me and my feelings. With this issue, he thinks I'm just getting worried over nothing.

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But have you always made the best choices in life? Compatibility is key - but you need to respect the person you are with not just like the same movies. if you can't respect them as a person, you need to review the relationship

 

I do respect him, very much. The good parts of the relationship isn't mentioned in the forum. Besides this one thing, our relationship is practically perfect. I struggle with anxiety and OCD issues, and he takes care of me. He's helped me with the relationship I have with my parents (which went sour for a while), he gives me these wise life lessons, he's always positive (especially when I'm not), and he's my best friend. This whole thing with becoming financially independent and "a adult" is the only problem. If he wants the same thing, why can't it happen?

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This is the part that really struck me. It may not necessarily be that he doesn't want to advance, he might be depressed that he has tried to get promoted and it went nowhere so his attitude is now "why bother". Only he can work through that. He has to be the one to finally realize he wants more from his life..and clearly he is not there yet. He may get there in another year..or he may never get there. I have met people who were lacking ambition in their twenties and then suddenly they changed and got really motivated. I have met other men who just plodded along, never got motivated and chose a partner who would take care of him.

 

Right now it sounds like the two of you are incompatible in this regard.

 

I actually have wondered if it was depression. If this is the case, I will feel very different about the situation. I'm very familiar with depression which is partially why I didn't confront him about this issue before; I didn't want to kick him while he's down. I've tried to feel him out to see if he would open about it but it didn't work

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So he tried culinary school and decided it wasn't for him. Well, that's okay. He didn't quit his day job. BTW, would you have been happy if he had gone all the way with it. After all LOTS of people who go to culinary school end up starting at the bottom rung and work rediculously long adn late hours. Unless you have the magical connection, you usually start out as a cook but definitely not a master chef or head of a restaurant.

 

He's really let the chef thing go. He has no desire to do it now.

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I don't think a person has to be ambitious to support themselves. He's not even doing that, he's letting his parents do that for him. I don't think it's much for you to expect that he can support himself. Can he learn to support himself? It will be hard as long as his family keeps propping him up with a free place to stay.

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I hate to say this, but I see a lot of parallels to my own separation. My ex and I were together for 7 years and were going to get married next summer. We both had goals of finishing school (she was going to get her nursing degree, then masters, followed by her doctorate and I was going to get my masters), we both wanted to lose weight, and we both aspired to living an active lifestyle. As time went on, she graduated with her bachelors, she lost 50 pounds, and she became an avid runner and started looking for other physical activities. Me, on the other hand, did nothing. In my case, it wasn't laziness, but a lack of confidence. I was unhappy, and I managed to ignore it.

 

Well, my ex tried to motivate me, but I didn't budge. She became frustrated that I wouldn't follow through with the plans I made for myself. She was growing, moving ahead, and I was stuck. When she left me, it was a real wake-up call. Being alone has given me the opportunity to take a long, hard look in the mirror. I've since been going to counseling, I run and lift weights 6 days a week (losing 15 pounds in the process), and I'm starting grad school this fall. As a result, I feel amazing about myself. Except, I'm alone, and I miss her more than I can say.

 

Maybe this is along the lines of what your boyfriend needs. It could be he doesn't feel any confidence in himself. It could be that you two need a trial separation to give him the wake up call he needs. I'm hoping for the best for you two.

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