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Change in my wife.


suspicious1

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new here, wish i would have found this site earlier. Well how to start.... My wife and I have been together for 8 years now and just recently had our first child together last year. When our Daughter was born, it was decided that i would be a stay at home dad since she made more than I. Since the baby sex was few and far between, I just attributed this to the fact she had a natural birth and things needed to heal. My wife also seems to have an issue with the way she looks now, (stretch marks and a little baby weight) but i continually tell her how beautiful she is. Well after she healed sex still did not return to normal.

 

I would try and try but would get brushed off, so i decided to give her more time. Well I started keeping track and 6 months went by and nothing. My wife was very sexual before the child, id say 5 or 6 times a week (I would even catch her using a toy if i was not around). well I started to wonder, so i took the batteries out of her toys to see if she would say anything, thinking maybe she was just using them when i wasn't around, but she was not.

 

But i had noticed all the sudden she started working out, which i thought was great and i encouraged her. Id make passes at her when she got home from the gym saying wow you look good and tried to see if i could get some kind of intimacy from her...but she was always tired or felt gross. well a few weeks later she decided to throw everything out of her closet and went shopping (and by everything, I mean everything, i took 15 bags of clothes to the Goodwill). At this point i welcomed anything that made her feel better about her body image.

 

She bought a lot of nice work clothes, some very low cut shirts in the front. At this point i started getting worried that maybe she wasn't dressing for me anymore but kept silent. I also started to notice she would talk about a guy at work a lot...how he was dating a girl and she was going through bankruptcy and how she got pregnant to keep him. Still i said nothing, all the while i got less and less help with our child. She would come home eat dinner and go to bed, not even cleaning up after herself anymore.

 

My gut was telling me something wasnt quite right, but my head told me to believe in her. Well my daughter and I went to town to pick up a few things and hope to meet my wife for lunch. I called her at work and on her cell and couldnt get her, which isnt normal. When she got home from work I asked her what she had for lunch today and she said she ate at the office, When i asked what she told me the name of a resteraunt in town that we like, and the guy she talks about a lot bought it and brought it back.

 

I told her that her daughter and i tried to meet her for lunch in town but couldnt get in touch with her, and inquired as to where she was, because she wasnt at her desk. She then told me she went with this guy to help him carry it (I found it strange she left that part out). Now that gut feeling started really screaming at me. Well the next week starts talking to me about where i would want to move too if i had the chance, and said she had been looking to switch jobs. I replied that that isnt smart considering the economy.

 

Later she wanted to buy me a new truck, ( something we had talked about when we had the money) but she knows we dont have the kind of money. Well the next day i decided to try and pressure her harder for intimacy. When she got home I told her how good she looked. followed her to the bedroom, tried to kiss her and tell her how much i loved her only to be shot down and told i was being strange. So after i put the baby to bed i told her we need to talk. I was calm and loving and geniuenly concerned and asked "this is going to sound strange, but i need to ask you a question and i need you to answer honestly".

 

She looked scared and i asked "have you ever or are you now having an affair, emotional or otherwise?" She looked me in the eye, laughed and said no. I felt relieved and let the matter go. The next week was great, all the sex i could handle she cleaned up after herself told me she loved me. But then i started to wonder why the big change. So i kept pushing, and my bright sunny wife went to a dark place. the next week was hell she told me she thought about crashing into something on the way home and killing herself, told me i deserved better.

 

I was in shock, i didnt know what to think. So we had another serious talk about what as going on with her, and she broke down and told me she had cheated on me before we got married, she Said that she kissed another guy and let him fondle her but didnt have sex (this issue had been brought up before and she told me nothing had happened with this guy). I have trouble buying that nothing happened judging by her reaction...but it was before we were married, so not much i can say about it now.

 

But I still am having trouble trusting her about the her current state like she told me that just to throw me off the trail or something. So now i have resigned myself to let it be and give her enough rope to hang herself if something is going on, if i dont i feel she may leave me because i dont trust her. I really dont know what to do now. sorry if this isnt coherent, just needed to vent.

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You two definitely need to see a counselor.

 

When I first began reading your post, I was thinking, "Well, it's kind of typical for a woman to be acting weird after pregnancy". Afterall, the sudden change is hormones, lifestyle, body, etc. can hit you like a ton of bricks. When you don't feel attractive or sexy enough, your sex drive begins to plummet too, so I would say that's natural.

 

HOWEVER, the fact that she's been acting unstable kind of set me off. The week after you confront her, she suddenly shows interest in you again and things are good. Then she goes through another bout of depression (more intense this time around), claiming she's having thoughts of suicide and that you "deserve better". Also, she's cheated in the past, which should give you every reason to suspect that that may be what's going on. Being excited about work & this "guy", then suddenly wanting to change her job... I don't mean to plant negative thoughts in your mind, but I can see why you'd be suspicous--the dots connect.

 

I don't think it's healthy to just let things proceed as they are. She's obviously going through something and she's dragging you along for the ride. You need to stop whatever it is in its tracks. I suggest you sit her down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her that you fear for your relationship and that you think you two should see a counselor, for the sake of your marriage and your child. Don't attack her or make her feel like you're pointing the finger at her, otherwise she may not be willing to cooperate. Make it seem like it's not unusual for couples to go through difficult times after having a baby, and that you think the counseling would help.

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I think it's odd that she's only admitting to you now that she cheated before you two were married. It's almost like she's trying to judge your reaction to that first.

 

I also thought this.

 

Or, this may be her way of "confessing" to get rid of the guilt...except she's lessening the severity of it by claiming that it happened before you were married.

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i think tellin u how she wanted to crash on her way home is a cry for help. i dont think she is having an affair, she sounds more withdrawn, and then shopping for new clothes to try and make her feel good etc. and not taking care of her child, just going straight to bed. does sound like she is depressed. try talking with her again, really sit her down, and dont brush anything under the carpet., ask her why she was feeling so crap she wanted to kill herself. i know it is really tough stuff to talk about but has to be done. wishing u all the best x

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I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think you have every right to be suspicious. Something is not adding up with her. Keep an eye on things and make sure to know what legal rights you have as a father (if this does come to a divorce, mothers are still given children far more often than fathers).

 

Have you thought about either A) Getting couples therapy. Or, B) Getting therapy for yourself? Either or both would help a lot in this situation. If she is reluctant to go (for me at least) that would be one more sign that she is stepping out.

 

Remember, it is better for a child to come from a broken home than live with parents who fight and/or ignore each other all the time.

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sounds like her infidelity happened more recently.

 

Right.

 

In her mind, she's justifying her infidelity by confessing that she cheated, but she knows that cheating 8+ years ago before marriage & cheating recently, after having a baby are NOT equivalent and the consequences for the latter are much more severe.

 

(Just what my mind is processing.)

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Sounds as though she's depressed. She also may have a crush on the guy who's now with someone else. I've known marriages to survive that--but it wasn't through confrontation.

 

I'd decide whether pushing wife into a corner is more important than working on the marriage. If the marriage weighs more, I'd start there and ask her if she's willing to seek help with you. One way to approach that is to ask for marriage counseling so you can learn how to better juggle being a good husband on top of being a new father. It's non-accusatory, and it can open the door to getting a therapist's help in approaching what might otherwise blow up if you go it alone.

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since the suicide statement, I have talked to her about seeing a psychologist. She said she found one, but hasnt decided if she is going to go or not. I did ask her if she would consider marriage counseling and she flat turned me down said we dont need it, because she isnt doing anything (how ever I am not so sure i dont need it). I notice now that she has a hard time looking me in the eyes, but when i asked the question about her cheating she was able to do it so easily. Stupidly i told her all of the reasons i believed something was going on. I have also noticed she doesnt use her computer very much at all anymore, probably because she believes i am watching her more closely now. also tonight she made what i felt was an inappropriate joke, she said she wasnt feeling well and felt sick and that she hadnt felt this way since she was pregnant then said uhh ohh and laughed...the reason that isnt funny is because i had a vasectomy because we both agreed we didnt want anymore kids.

 

also when i was asking her if she was having an affair she immediately brought up that she wasnt having and emotional affair either. I had to look that one up after our talk....so im guessing she looked it up in the past, that too worried me. And I also believe that she may have just been judging my reaction when she admitted to the other cheating. I forgot to add something about her account of the cheating incident, she told me the reason she didnt have sex with the guy was that he told her he was a virgin, she said that was too much pressure, and the reason she wanted to sleep with him was to make sure she really wanted to be with me. I asked if he wasnt a virgin if she would have slept with him and she said yes she would have 100%. And i just want to say I have been faithful throughout our marriage, and we talked about this in depth before we were married and agreed we would divorce before either of us cheated if i was coming to that. Another thing that really bothered me was i asked what else she was not telling me, I ended up asking about how many men she had been with (she told me around 7 before we were married) before me. This time the number had changed from 7 to 1 other person who she was in a relationship for 3 years. Why would she lie about how many she had been with higher than it actually was...that i cant understand, was i supposed to be impressed?

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She's obviously going through a lot now. I don't understand why she would make that joke. Do you think she was trying to imply being pregnant by someone else (as a joke), or was she joking about your vasectomy failing? It's also weird that she brought up an emotional affair upon you confronting her. Almost seems like she's attempting to seem innocent to manipulate you. I may be wrong, but I don't think her suicidal threats are serious. Judging from what you've told us about her, it seems like another cry for attention, to get you to understand her.

 

She really, really does need help. It shouldn't really be up to her to decide whether or not you see a marriage counselor. Tell her you feel it's best, after everything you've been through, having a child, her going through this stage of depression, feeling suicidal, admitting to having cheated on you in the past. It's too much to deal with by yourselves at once and if she wants to save your marriage, you two have to go through it together.

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I forgot to mention when she comes home she is a very good mother to our daughter. She doesnt get to see her very long before bed each night only about 2 hours unless its the weekend, but on the weekends she tries to spend as much time as she can with her. She even puts her to bed most of the time, but lately its been 50/50 because i want her to have some time to herself when she gets home. but it seems after she puts her down its off to bed, and thats at like 8pm, doesnt really give us any time together. I try to make her stay up a little later by offering back rubs or foot rubs but she usually just goes to bed. up until recently i couldnt even get a cuddle out of her, it was that bad. Im not without blame though, since rejection ive started staying up later on the computer trying to find something that may help, even contemplated putting a keylogger on her computer but have not. I did however go through out cell phone bills and found nothing but she found out and it really pissed her off, she yelled at me and said she doesnt want to live under a microscope. Im not sure why she made that joke, I know what you are saying, i thought the same thing..but i didnt ask for fear she would get angry if I implied the wrong thing.

 

Ive been thinking im crazy, i even talked to her last week telling her im sorry i asked if she was cheating, and that im trying to let it go, but my gut keeps telling me something is wrong. I thought that would ease the situation by putting the blame on myself, but it only made her madder.

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She's cheating on you right now. She is acting like a cheater does when they feel guilty. My girlfriend gave me the same reaction--she was so distant and when I got suspicious she stopped being so. I'm sorry man, it sucks, but you have to accept fact. Also, should probably consider divorce.

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I am sorry to hear what you are going through. All the signs are there of cheating. It is time to see a counselor to see if this thing can be worked out. Her breaking down about cheating before you were married was a 'partial confession' to partially solve her guilty conscience. Her melodramatic stuff about freaking out emotional I think is a diversionary tactic. Watch out for it, but I think she is stalling. I'd see about get a marriage counselor involved.

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Based on what you wrote I conclude this in short: She cheated on you before the two of you got married, maybe once or maybe more, she was involved in a lengthy affair with her coworker, at some point she realized she can't get away from the affair so she tried to put the idea out there of changing jobs, then she thought by doing out of the ordinary nice things for you could help her with the guilt, it didn't, so she broke down and told you about one affair, she might let you recover from that and maybe a few years down the line when a stronger bond is formed she'll tell you about the affair with her coworker. I would not stick around.

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Based on what you wrote I conclude this in short: She cheated on you before the two of you got married, maybe once or maybe more, she was involved in a lengthy affair with her coworker, at some point she realized she can't get away from the affair so she tried to put the idea out there of changing jobs, then she thought by doing out of the ordinary nice things for you could help her with the guilt, it didn't, so she broke down and told you about one affair, she might let you recover from that and maybe a few years down the line when a stronger bond is formed she'll tell you about the affair with her coworker. I would not stick around.

 

I would agree with this..

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Well wife was sick last night and throwing up. I didnt think anything of it until she called me about 30 mins ago and told me she is reading the paper and someone is offering 35k for people to be surrogates. This could be nothing but a coincidence, but after that joke she told last night I'm starting to wonder. I told her i did not think it was a good idea and i could tell she was kind of upset and told me we could buy me a new truck if we did it, I said sorry but no i dont think its a good idea. I also told her she needs to call the psychologist and make an appt. for herself, she kinda blew it off until i said or make one for marriage counselling. I guess i will find out tonight if she did it or not. I would probably leave if i did find out for sure and had proof she was or is having an affair, but i would probably try and work it out since our child isnt yet a year old. I know what you are all thinking, "dont stay because you have a child together" and i never thought i would even consider it until now.

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Do you think i should call a few of her coworkers and as a few questions? if so what kind of things should I ask?

 

No! Terrible idea.

 

Sit down with her and ask her if she wants to continue the marriage. Tell her if she wants out, you're more than happy to let her go. And that if she wants to stay, then she needs to come clean.

 

There are a lot of posts on this forum from children of cheating parents. Apparently it leads to horrible feelings of hatred, betrayal, and lack of respect for the cheating parent. Is this the kind of future you want for your child? Staying with a cheating spouse for the sake of the child is a really bad idea.

 

I dunno, personally I'd cut off the water supply to the toilet. Wait for her to use it, then dip a pregnancy test in.

 

...But I'm probably a bit psycho.

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Well wife was sick last night and throwing up. I didnt think anything of it until she called me about 30 mins ago and told me she is reading the paper and someone is offering 35k for people to be surrogates. This could be nothing but a coincidence, but after that joke she told last night I'm starting to wonder. .

 

I am sorry, but your wife is in the middle of an affair and it sounds like she may be pregnant again and is using being a surrogate as possibly some kind of cover up. Have you started checking her phone records yet? If you haven't, now is a good time to start because something not good is going on...

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I have checked the phone records and i dont find much, I did find a couple numbers i didnt recognize that she called about 10 times in the course of 2 days, but when i call them one says they havent set up a mail box, and the other says it isnt accepting calls at this time but that was months ago. Unfortunately I cant look at her work cell that she takes when she goes on travel. other than that she seems to call her mother a lot, but thats normal. Funny thing is her mother just left her step dad after 23 years of marriage and used us as an excuse to be with the other mad while she was still married. She would fly out here stay for 4 days then go back and be the the other guy all the while telling her husband she would be with us for 2 weeks. Sad huh...now im wondering if its a case of like mother like daughter.

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Sounds very suspicious to me. Didn't you recently have a week of sex with her and now no sex but she is making comments about surrogates and is throwing up? I bet she's pregnant and is going to try and tell you the baby is yours.

 

Agreed...OP, you need to start talking to her about what the hell is going on and at this point, you don't need to give a **** if she gets mad or not. Let her get mad; maybe in her anger she will reveal the truth.

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