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Thread: Change in my wife.

  1. #1
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    Change in my wife.

    new here, wish i would have found this site earlier. Well how to start.... My wife and I have been together for 8 years now and just recently had our first child together last year. When our Daughter was born, it was decided that i would be a stay at home dad since she made more than I. Since the baby sex was few and far between, I just attributed this to the fact she had a natural birth and things needed to heal. My wife also seems to have an issue with the way she looks now, (stretch marks and a little baby weight) but i continually tell her how beautiful she is. Well after she healed sex still did not return to normal.

    I would try and try but would get brushed off, so i decided to give her more time. Well I started keeping track and 6 months went by and nothing. My wife was very sexual before the child, id say 5 or 6 times a week (I would even catch her using a toy if i was not around). well I started to wonder, so i took the batteries out of her toys to see if she would say anything, thinking maybe she was just using them when i wasn't around, but she was not.

    But i had noticed all the sudden she started working out, which i thought was great and i encouraged her. Id make passes at her when she got home from the gym saying wow you look good and tried to see if i could get some kind of intimacy from her...but she was always tired or felt gross. well a few weeks later she decided to throw everything out of her closet and went shopping (and by everything, I mean everything, i took 15 bags of clothes to the Goodwill). At this point i welcomed anything that made her feel better about her body image.

    She bought a lot of nice work clothes, some very low cut shirts in the front. At this point i started getting worried that maybe she wasn't dressing for me anymore but kept silent. I also started to notice she would talk about a guy at work a lot...how he was dating a girl and she was going through bankruptcy and how she got pregnant to keep him. Still i said nothing, all the while i got less and less help with our child. She would come home eat dinner and go to bed, not even cleaning up after herself anymore.

    My gut was telling me something wasnt quite right, but my head told me to believe in her. Well my daughter and I went to town to pick up a few things and hope to meet my wife for lunch. I called her at work and on her cell and couldnt get her, which isnt normal. When she got home from work I asked her what she had for lunch today and she said she ate at the office, When i asked what she told me the name of a resteraunt in town that we like, and the guy she talks about a lot bought it and brought it back.

    I told her that her daughter and i tried to meet her for lunch in town but couldnt get in touch with her, and inquired as to where she was, because she wasnt at her desk. She then told me she went with this guy to help him carry it (I found it strange she left that part out). Now that gut feeling started really screaming at me. Well the next week starts talking to me about where i would want to move too if i had the chance, and said she had been looking to switch jobs. I replied that that isnt smart considering the economy.

    Later she wanted to buy me a new truck, ( something we had talked about when we had the money) but she knows we dont have the kind of money. Well the next day i decided to try and pressure her harder for intimacy. When she got home I told her how good she looked. followed her to the bedroom, tried to kiss her and tell her how much i loved her only to be shot down and told i was being strange. So after i put the baby to bed i told her we need to talk. I was calm and loving and geniuenly concerned and asked "this is going to sound strange, but i need to ask you a question and i need you to answer honestly".

    She looked scared and i asked "have you ever or are you now having an affair, emotional or otherwise?" She looked me in the eye, laughed and said no. I felt relieved and let the matter go. The next week was great, all the sex i could handle she cleaned up after herself told me she loved me. But then i started to wonder why the big change. So i kept pushing, and my bright sunny wife went to a dark place. the next week was hell she told me she thought about crashing into something on the way home and killing herself, told me i deserved better.

    I was in shock, i didnt know what to think. So we had another serious talk about what as going on with her, and she broke down and told me she had cheated on me before we got married, she Said that she kissed another guy and let him fondle her but didnt have sex (this issue had been brought up before and she told me nothing had happened with this guy). I have trouble buying that nothing happened judging by her reaction...but it was before we were married, so not much i can say about it now.

    But I still am having trouble trusting her about the her current state like she told me that just to throw me off the trail or something. So now i have resigned myself to let it be and give her enough rope to hang herself if something is going on, if i dont i feel she may leave me because i dont trust her. I really dont know what to do now. sorry if this isnt coherent, just needed to vent.
    Last edited by sidehop; 04-12-2011 at 09:53 PM. Reason: Added paragraphs

  2. #2
    Platinum Member greywolf's Avatar
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    I think it's odd that she's only admitting to you now that she cheated before you two were married. It's almost like she's trying to judge your reaction to that first.
    "Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner." ~Max Lucado

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    Platinum Member PsychGirly's Avatar
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    You two definitely need to see a counselor.

    When I first began reading your post, I was thinking, "Well, it's kind of typical for a woman to be acting weird after pregnancy". Afterall, the sudden change is hormones, lifestyle, body, etc. can hit you like a ton of bricks. When you don't feel attractive or sexy enough, your sex drive begins to plummet too, so I would say that's natural.

    HOWEVER, the fact that she's been acting unstable kind of set me off. The week after you confront her, she suddenly shows interest in you again and things are good. Then she goes through another bout of depression (more intense this time around), claiming she's having thoughts of suicide and that you "deserve better". Also, she's cheated in the past, which should give you every reason to suspect that that may be what's going on. Being excited about work & this "guy", then suddenly wanting to change her job... I don't mean to plant negative thoughts in your mind, but I can see why you'd be suspicous--the dots connect.

    I don't think it's healthy to just let things proceed as they are. She's obviously going through something and she's dragging you along for the ride. You need to stop whatever it is in its tracks. I suggest you sit her down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her that you fear for your relationship and that you think you two should see a counselor, for the sake of your marriage and your child. Don't attack her or make her feel like you're pointing the finger at her, otherwise she may not be willing to cooperate. Make it seem like it's not unusual for couples to go through difficult times after having a baby, and that you think the counseling would help.
    "Happiness lies for those who cry, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives."

    "The more time we spend disapproving of others, the less time we have to improve ourselves."

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    Platinum Member PsychGirly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greywolf View Post
    I think it's odd that she's only admitting to you now that she cheated before you two were married. It's almost like she's trying to judge your reaction to that first.
    I also thought this.

    Or, this may be her way of "confessing" to get rid of the guilt...except she's lessening the severity of it by claiming that it happened before you were married.
    "Happiness lies for those who cry, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives."

    "The more time we spend disapproving of others, the less time we have to improve ourselves."

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    i think tellin u how she wanted to crash on her way home is a cry for help. i dont think she is having an affair, she sounds more withdrawn, and then shopping for new clothes to try and make her feel good etc. and not taking care of her child, just going straight to bed. does sound like she is depressed. try talking with her again, really sit her down, and dont brush anything under the carpet., ask her why she was feeling so crap she wanted to kill herself. i know it is really tough stuff to talk about but has to be done. wishing u all the best x

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Moontiger's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think you have every right to be suspicious. Something is not adding up with her. Keep an eye on things and make sure to know what legal rights you have as a father (if this does come to a divorce, mothers are still given children far more often than fathers).

    Have you thought about either A) Getting couples therapy. Or, B) Getting therapy for yourself? Either or both would help a lot in this situation. If she is reluctant to go (for me at least) that would be one more sign that she is stepping out.

    Remember, it is better for a child to come from a broken home than live with parents who fight and/or ignore each other all the time.
    "Recognizing somebody else's power does not diminish your own." -Joss Whedon
    "Saying that you're a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food doesn't make you sick [...]"- http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/#ixzz2mOdY2dPO

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    Platinum Member faithful14's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PsychGirly View Post
    I also thought this.

    Or, this may be her way of "confessing" to get rid of the guilt...except she's lessening the severity of it by claiming that it happened before you were married.
    sounds like her infidelity happened more recently.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member PsychGirly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by faithful14 View Post
    sounds like her infidelity happened more recently.
    Right.

    In her mind, she's justifying her infidelity by confessing that she cheated, but she knows that cheating 8+ years ago before marriage & cheating recently, after having a baby are NOT equivalent and the consequences for the latter are much more severe.

    (Just what my mind is processing.)
    "Happiness lies for those who cry, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives."

    "The more time we spend disapproving of others, the less time we have to improve ourselves."

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Sounds as though she's depressed. She also may have a crush on the guy who's now with someone else. I've known marriages to survive that--but it wasn't through confrontation.

    I'd decide whether pushing wife into a corner is more important than working on the marriage. If the marriage weighs more, I'd start there and ask her if she's willing to seek help with you. One way to approach that is to ask for marriage counseling so you can learn how to better juggle being a good husband on top of being a new father. It's non-accusatory, and it can open the door to getting a therapist's help in approaching what might otherwise blow up if you go it alone.
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    Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone.

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    since the suicide statement, I have talked to her about seeing a psychologist. She said she found one, but hasnt decided if she is going to go or not. I did ask her if she would consider marriage counseling and she flat turned me down said we dont need it, because she isnt doing anything (how ever I am not so sure i dont need it). I notice now that she has a hard time looking me in the eyes, but when i asked the question about her cheating she was able to do it so easily. Stupidly i told her all of the reasons i believed something was going on. I have also noticed she doesnt use her computer very much at all anymore, probably because she believes i am watching her more closely now. also tonight she made what i felt was an inappropriate joke, she said she wasnt feeling well and felt sick and that she hadnt felt this way since she was pregnant then said uhh ohh and laughed...the reason that isnt funny is because i had a vasectomy because we both agreed we didnt want anymore kids.

    also when i was asking her if she was having an affair she immediately brought up that she wasnt having and emotional affair either. I had to look that one up after our talk....so im guessing she looked it up in the past, that too worried me. And I also believe that she may have just been judging my reaction when she admitted to the other cheating. I forgot to add something about her account of the cheating incident, she told me the reason she didnt have sex with the guy was that he told her he was a virgin, she said that was too much pressure, and the reason she wanted to sleep with him was to make sure she really wanted to be with me. I asked if he wasnt a virgin if she would have slept with him and she said yes she would have 100%. And i just want to say I have been faithful throughout our marriage, and we talked about this in depth before we were married and agreed we would divorce before either of us cheated if i was coming to that. Another thing that really bothered me was i asked what else she was not telling me, I ended up asking about how many men she had been with (she told me around 7 before we were married) before me. This time the number had changed from 7 to 1 other person who she was in a relationship for 3 years. Why would she lie about how many she had been with higher than it actually was...that i cant understand, was i supposed to be impressed?
    Last edited by suspicious1; 04-13-2011 at 01:02 AM.

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