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When People Say "You Deserve Better".....


lerira

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In the past, a few of my girlfriends would say, "You deserve better," in reference to some of the guys I've dated. So, for example, if they'd think I was 5 points higher up the physical scale, then they'd say, "But you deserve better! Come on!"

 

Although this "You deserve better" is quite subjective, I'm curious to know what were the reasons behind your friends' "you deserve better".

 

Also, do you think this 'you deserve better' can be equalized? Meaning, an average Joe, but wealthy, dating a model, but poor? The checks and balances system, I think.

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Some of my friends can be shallow and have told me im too good looking for some of the guys I've dated. I always laugh it off. Im not a surface value person I dont believe in points/leagues/levels. I just believe in meeting someone you like and going for it.

 

sometimes they've said 'you deserve better' when a bf has been making me miserable and thats fair enough.

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Also, do you think this 'you deserve better' can be equalized? Meaning, an average Joe, but wealthy, dating a model, but poor? The checks and balances system, I think.

 

Personally I think the idea that a good looking woman should be bought by a wealthy man, otherwise she's somehow selling herself short, is utterly distasteful. She might as well be honest about it and stand on a street corner in that case.

 

That's without even getting into the notion of "deserve" in that context. There is only one situation in which I would say someone deserves better, and that's when their partner's behaviour falls significantly short of their own on a consistent basis. Money, looks, education, status or anything else has nothing to do with it IMO.

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Why do the majority of your threads have to do with looks?

 

There's plenty of other things to obsess over.

 

"you deserve better" means they feel you are getting just what you actually do deserve, but are too polite to tell you so.

 

Oh, my! You're a mind reader now, knowing exactly what goes on whenever someone says that. Guess when you're friends said that, they meant you are getting just what you deserve, or less! Probably that you deserve less!

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You are way too caught up in this whole league and ranking system. I would say that at 23, "you should know better".

 

Agree with this. Keep going down that road and you won't ever be happy. I can think of quite a few devastatingly beautiful people in my life (women) who can't find any worthy partners because they are so focused on superficial traits. They are trite, boring, and insecure in the end. They are unhappily single.

 

Anyway, I usually took "you deserve better" to mean "you deserve a better boyfriend/girlfriend in terms of treatment". I did not take it to mean much about looks.

 

In my mind, what makes a boyfriend "better" than another is who they are as a person. Not how they look. If you're sexually attracted to them, who cares?

 

But you seem to be very preoccupied with what others think about you, so how pretty your guy is may be of the utmost importance if you care about the trivial thoughts of others.

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Oh, my! You're a mind reader now, knowing exactly what goes on whenever someone says that. Guess when you're friends said that, they meant you are getting just what you deserve, or less! Probably that you deserve less!

 

Uh, no, my friends don't engage in such infantile chatter, nor do we humor each other. But, then again, I'm not needy so I'm constantly asking them for validation. Whatta concept...

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Personally I think the idea that a good looking woman should be bought by a wealthy man, otherwise she's somehow selling herself short, is utterly distasteful. She might as well be honest about it and stand on a street corner in that case.

 

That's without even getting into the notion of "deserve" in that context. There is only one situation in which I would say someone deserves better, and that's when their partner's behaviour falls significantly short of their own on a consistent basis. Money, looks, education, status or anything else has nothing to do with it IMO.

 

Yeah, exactly ^

 

The only time I've ever thought or possibly said to a friend "you deserve better" was when I know this is a sweet, loving, great person (my friend) and yet the guy she is with doesn't care about her like she deserves. Or vice verca, a great loving man who'd do anything for his gf, and she treats him like casual dirt to be brushed off. All about treatment and inequality in how they care for each other.

 

This other sounds so much to me like a barter and trade in goods, nothing to do with the people or how they care about each other or others in any way.

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Uh, no, my friends don't engage in such infantile chatter, nor do we humor each other. But, then again, I'm not needy so I'm constantly asking them for validation. Whatta concept...

 

Well, if you're implying that my most is infantile, congrats on engaging in infantile chatter! Hooray for you girlie!

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I've never heard of "you deserve better" as referring to anything other than the partner's behavior/treatment. Never heard it used to refer to looks.

 

I've had friends say it to me when I was dating average-looking guys with no careers; they'd argue, "You're pretty, thin, and you've got a degree in Molecular Biology but you're dating that guy in a dead end job? Come on!"

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Again, why all the emphasis on looks/career? It's not everything. What makes someone "worth" something isn't how they look or their job's salary, but rather, who they are as a person.

 

And this is coming from someone who will get her BS in Neuroscience next year with a good GPA. It doesn't make me any better than anyone else. It's just what I'm interested in. I'm happy with what I do.

 

Also, just gathering from your threads, don't you not have a great job yourself? It seems rather hypocritical to be putting down a guy for not having a stellar career when you're not thriving yourself. Just sayin.

 

My boyfriend makes 100k/year easy and has a good job but I wouldn't put him down if he didn't. As long as he's working, is happy, and is doing okay, that's all I care about. I aim to do the same myself.

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Also, just gathering from your threads, don't you not have a great job yourself? It seems rather hypocritical to be putting down a guy for not having a stellar career when you're not thriving yourself. Just sayin.

 

 

I disagree on this one. First of all, that guy with no career has limited options. I, on the other hand, have a degree and not just any degree. I can do a lot of things with it, once I gain experience. Therefore, there is room for growth for me. Unless he decided to do some meaningful schooling, he can't go much in life. I don't mean only college; I'm talking certificates, trades, etc. as those are meaningful.

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i've always thought of it as a way to placate a genuinely wounded heart. always seems like a clever way to subvert the fact that most of us get exactly what we deserve. feels like such an empty expression. if you truly deserve more...an honest friend will tell you that there's a certain pattern of behavior that he's noticed about you that seems to be detrimental to your well-being. telling you that you deserve better is the easy way out. there's less chance that offense will be taken.

 

that's how i see it at least. i think the sentiment can often be genuine...but the statement itself seems pretty useless.

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i've always thought of it as a way to placate a genuinely wounded heart. always seems like a clever way to subvert the fact that most of us get exactly what we deserve. feels like such an empty expression. if you truly deserve more...an honest friend will tell you that there's a certain pattern of behavior that he's noticed about you that seems to be detrimental to your well-being. telling you that you deserve better is the easy way out. there's less chance that offense will be taken.

 

that's how i see it at least. i think the sentiment can often be genuine...but the statement itself seems pretty useless.

 

I don't necessarily agree with your statement- "Most of us get exactly what we deserve." So a physically abused woman truly deserves her abuser, by your statement? Oh no, I bet you wouldn't want people to think that of you. As far as my friends are concerned, I've had 3 girls repeatedly tell me this. Until I found that one guy where they back off and said, "You too are good together."

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I think people usually get what they think they deserve. More accurately, they get something slightly less than what they think they deserve. (because if it's more than they think they deserve, they will feel unbalances and uncomfortable and end it)

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I don't necessarily agree with your statement- "Most of us get exactly what we deserve." So a physically abused woman truly deserves her abuser, by your statement? Oh no, I bet you wouldn't want people to think that of you. As far as my friends are concerned, I've had 3 girls repeatedly tell me this. Until I found that one guy where they back off and said, "You too are good together."

 

no...and i certainly wouldn't agree that anyone 'deserves' that either. obviously it's a generalization.

 

however, let's say for instance that a woman in this situation shows a disturbing pattern of chronically attaching herself to men who abuse her. in that context...would the statement, ''you deserve better'' from a friend be at all helpful? sometimes it's refreshing to hear the truth from a real friend...the truth that we ourselves have trouble seeing. it won't always feel good...and sometimes it puts tension on the friendship...but it's what we do when we genuinely care. when your friends told you, ''you deserve better...'' did it really change anything for you? maybe it did. keep in mind...i'm not suggesting that this is how it is for everyone. it's just one perspective.

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no...and i certainly wouldn't agree that anyone 'deserves' that either. obviously it's a generalization.

 

however, let's say for instance that a woman in this situation shows a disturbing pattern of chronically attaching herself to men who abuse her. in that context...would the statement, ''you deserve better'' from a friend be at all helpful? sometimes it's refreshing to hear the truth from a real friend...the truth that we ourselves have trouble seeing. it won't always feel good...and sometimes it puts tension on the friendship...but it's what we do when we genuinely care. when your friends told you, ''you deserve better...'' did it really change anything for you? maybe it did. keep in mind...i'm not suggesting that this is how it is for everyone. it's just one perspective.

 

Change is up to the person. Did it change me? No. I had to hear it from a person closer to me to change it, but the remarks were essentially the same. And yes, I did change.

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well there you go. what's the problem then?

 

There isn't. And no, it's not all about looks. But the fact that I used that example steered the thread into this direction.

 

I mean, take a PhD dating a high school graduate? Chances are, there will be people going, "You deserve someone on your level."

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There isn't. And no, it's not all about looks. But the fact that I used that example steered the thread into this direction.

 

I mean, take a PhD dating a high school graduate? Chances are, there will be people going, "You deserve someone on your level."

 

you're probably right on this one. i've certainly seen enough evidence to support the theory.

 

do you think it's possible that what they're really saying is: "wouldn't you rather spend your time with someone who shares a reasonably similar view of the world as you?" because let's face it...the possibilities are limitless. there is no one right point of view. one perspective doesn't hold more merit than another just because a group of people identify with it.

 

what does ''being on the same level'' mean? really just curious to hear your thoughts. i can see where you're coming from here. at least...i think i can. if you have a certain direction in life...perhaps sharing a life with someone who seems to be leading a life in contradiction to that direction could pose problems. your career gives you options. it could be very true that someone who lacks a formal education doesn't have those same options. they may still have an abundance of options...but they won't necessarily align with your own perspective.

 

often seems to be the case that we form our own set of boundaries...the filter with which we see things. and at that point...it becomes difficult to see beyond that. we define what we want...and anything that doesn't fit that picture is generally excluded. we all do it. there's also the question of expectations. that's something i've discovered about myself. i was very much a product of my environment. despite the fact that i had a desire to be open to other perspectives...my past conditioning made that pretty difficult. i found that people in my life suggesting that i could be doing better was really just the trigger for deeply seated insecurities of being able to live up to expectations. unfortunate when i look back and see some of the things that were excluded as a result of that conditioned way of thinking. dunno if that makes any sense.

 

you've obviously found what works for you though. so...trust your intuition...and go for it.

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I think people tend to date others with similar education levels because it's MORE LIKELY that they will be on the same level, but not always a guarantee.

 

My boyfriend is a high school graduate only and I'm pursuing higher education but we do just fine. He's very smart, insightful, and perceptive.

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