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We sleep together and like each other - but nothing has been said?? very unclear


katrinahopkins

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When we met through mutual friends we actually talked that first night about how anti - relationship we were feeling due to recent splits in our lives. he had been left by a woman he was with for 3 years, and i had left someone i had been with for 5 years. we both were completely the same in that we both thought we were not ready or looking for love again - quite the opposite. After that night, we saw each other really often as friends because mutual friends of ours had started seeing each other. me and this guy became good friends. For me i wasn't attracted to him at first even though he is attractive, just because i wasn't interested in dating plus the fact of us both still being caught up still in remaining feelings for our exes. Also I do not think he looked at me that way at first either for the same reason. then about two months ago seemed to mutually change, we started to fancy each other. it started with the fact that we shared a bottle of wine at his house one night and were alone with sweet music just the two of us. there was some chemistry in the air that night for the first time.... we didn't act on it. the next time we met was also for a drink at his house just the two of us, and we did end up kissing (he said he had been trying to get the courage to kiss me all evening) and we had (great) sex. I don't care that we were not dating i am not like that.. if there is trust and respect there and safe sex and both adults are single then why not.. so i didn't have a problem with it. we then started talking every day and about once a week would see each other, have great sex, hang out, have fun... this was OK for about a month, its just the last two weeks this has been bothering me ..... we haven't discussed anything at all. there is no honesty about how we feel, if we are seeing other people, nothing.... (we are both quite shy don't know if that is important)

 

I do really like him and at the same time I know we shouldn't get into a heavy relationship with each other. Neither of us wanted to be tied down at this point. the thing is, it's started to bother me that he never asks if i am dating or sleeping with another man too or other men (is he literally that unbothered??? or does he think about it and not ask??? or does he assume i dont??? )

it's started to bother me that we haven't discussed where its going in that are we eventually looking to meet other people etc.... and mainly and very annoyingly i am starting to wonder and feel a bit jealous at the thought that he is probably seeing other women too.

 

For some reason right now i have this great urge to email him and confront a few of these things. i feel like telling him he is the only man i am sleeping with. that i like him a lot. that i get jealous at the thought of him with other women. that i think that despite all that i am not ready for a relationship and from what he told me and what i can see neither is he.

 

this seems pointless, what am i hoping to achieve by telling him this? i just feel like being honest. is it really screwed up to not be ready for a relationship and at the same time feel bad that he sleeps with other women? (i think he has one other FWB from before me that didn't quite die out when we started but that he stopped seeing so much) i just feel like letting some of these things out.

 

i also feel like telling him i dont sleep with other men. why? because maybe he will feel good about that? i dont know i just feel like being open with him about things - it feels a bit unnatural that we have never discussed our feelings and thoughts on the matter.....

 

the first to the third time we had sex i didn't feel this way. its now that its obvious that it is going to be the case for a while (friendship and sex) that i feel like sharing my feelings.

 

would this email push him away and stress him out? i guess the part about being jealous if he sees other women could be pressure for him because i have a feeling he does. at the same time, i think he is into me in that we share a lot and i think he has feelings for me beyond sexual. maybe he feels a bit uncomfortable that we never talk about anything to do with what we are doing either?

 

probably being a man that was recently in a committed relationship that didn't work out, he is more than happy that he has a couple of women who are sexual with him with no strings. but i feel like being honest. at the same time i do not want us to become gf and bf. i guess i want an exclusive casual thing.

 

there is also a small chance i am the only woman he sleeps with (or am i being naive there) i am not sure he sleeps with someone else, its a guess because when we met he had something with a woman - he said it was great because it was casual and that is what he needed.

 

am confused. should i put some of these thoughts out there to him.... or pointless.

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Wow. This is a crazy situation. It seems you both were well aware of the risks of this arrangement.

 

 

If you see each other often, why not bring it up in person? Also, since you both were equally at fault for starting such a hot and heavy relationship, I think you have to approach this in as positive a manner as you can. It sounds like you have a lot of pent up stress. I don't think you have any grounds to get angry with him, and I think talking things out calmly will be your best bet to move some shred of a real relationship forward OR talk about things honestly.

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I also nearly sent him a message earlier that said that i wanted him to know he was the only guy i slept with. this came about because we were talking about the fact that being open about sex was important (by messages) and i thought my last message about that subject had made me sound a bit too bad girl. (by mistake).

 

but then it is probably the opposite right? if he has other women he sees (v.v.likely) then it is the last thing i should say???

just hoping someone out there reading this can understand. maybe you'll just say stop the FWB thing etc etc just hoping for someone to understand what i have said and have some specific advice on if i do write to him what i should definitely say and what i should steer well clear of saying...

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Thanks for your response ny guy. actually we don't see each other often... about once a week, sometimes less. but we stay in touch by text message and facebook everyday and often chat through messages back and forth during the evening...

 

no its true i have absolutely no right at all to get angry with him? i didn't know it came accross that i was possibly angry with him? see that is exactly why i should have seeked advice and not sent him something yet! truth is he is a decent loving guy who is wanting freedom from relationships for a while. i definitely do not want to send him a stressful email or a pressure one. i just have this urge to put it out there to him that i like only him, and the second thing is that either i want to be honest that i am curious and frightened of the fact of who else he is seeing, or that maybe he should tell me honestly about his love life and feelings for me so at least i know. i mean i guess i just wish i knew what his sexual situation was - if i am just another girl, nothing serious and that he loves and sleeps with whoever all the time, or if it is just me and one other woman who is special to him, or if it is just me....

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sorry to post multiple times without response in between just thought of additional info: i met a guy on a train around the same time i met this guy. he never called but last night i had a missed call from him. (the guy on train) and it baffles me what to do with that. do i call back and let this other guy ask me out, go out with this other guy?) i wouldn't sleep with guy 2, because i would never sleep with more than one man at a time... but how on earth would the first guy feel about this? i mean he texts me many times every day, he says he thinks about me, i know there are some feelings there, i just dont know if despite his interested feelings all he wants is no strings with me and free to see other women, or if in fact he likes me more than i think... if i did have a date with guy 2 would i tell tell him? would he want to know? would he not want me to, or would he be fine with it??? see so many things we haven't talked about!!!! i have an intuition that he realizes also that there is too much we haven't said.

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yaz the problem with that is that he would be hurt (i know that) especially because we have also become close as well as sleeping with each other... and probably would fight to keep me in his life BUT that wouldn't tell me if there was other women, wouldn't tell me if he cares if i see other men... he would be able to tell me he wants us not to stop without addressing still what the honest situation is about our love lives (especially his lol)

 

wish i knew without asking exactly what this is for him. i do not know his friends well enough to ask subtly to one or hear info on him...

 

regarding dignity, i don't feel used because he has a lot of respect for me and is very thoughtful and almost loving, very supportive, its just that there is this big unspoken thing in the room .. what hasn't been said. i also think we like each other more than we thought we would and we both have difficulty just being straight forward,,,,,

 

because there is this really difficult part in it that is very true - neither of us are ready for another big commitment, yet. so its not a typical situation of 'i want to be with my FWB' its a bit more complicated than that???

 

if he has never asked me if there are other men, does it mean he doesn't care about that? do you think he has thought about it? or is it obvious there isn't because we are in daily and nightly contact or because women dont tend to do that ?

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You're making it more complicated than it is. If you hurt him, it is unintentional/inadvertent and therefore nothing to feel guilty about.

 

This is the bottom line: he either 1. likes you, respects you and wants to be with you. OR 2. He does not respect or like you enough to be with you. If he says "I'm not ready," That's just BS. He's ready for you to act like his partner, but not to BE his partner?

 

This is about you and your needs - why should you accept him pushing you into limbo just to satisfy him? It's your life. You have other options.

 

I had a similar situation. The guy told me he liked, respected and appreciated me. He wanted to be FWB, and then just friends when the FWB thing came to it's natural end. After a couple of months, I told him I was developing feelings, and he rationalized it all saying "It's ok, we're friends, we're happy, I like what we have now." That continued for a few weeks, and I got clever. I told him it had come to it's natural end, and he denied it. I proposed a relationship in place of FWB, and he rejected. I ended it all, said let's be friends, and he never called me again. I called him once and he said he was busy, and didn't return the call. Ultimately, he lied to me and I believed him (even though I thought I was being cautious). He told me he respected me and considered me a friend - but he told me that so I'd get into bed. If he valued me and my friendship, he wouldn't have risked it for a few months of sex, and he wouldn't have stopped talking to me afterwards. He was mean.

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I will never understand how two people can sleep together but not talk to each other.

 

This one's easy. Next time you see him, when in the afterglow of sex, say "Hey... question... are you sleeping with other people?". He will either quickly say "no" or start doing the evading dance. Then you have your answer.

 

I really don't think you have to go into the whole "I'm not sleeping with other people... I only want to sleep with you... I don't want a relationship, blah, blah". You will have your entire answer in that 10 seconds after your question.

 

Now question for YOU - what will you do if he starts doing the evading dance??

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i want to say to him that I am only with him. and that maybe he doesn't care but that i wanted him to know. and that his situation is another story and i am not sure i want to go there and not sure i want to know the answer.

 

is this a stupid email? why do i feel the need to write this? part of me thinks that i might as well just ask 'who are you seeing can you tell me exactly' lol because i guess its what is bothering me in the end even though i am saying the opposite in my draft letters to him. i am trying to let him know that i care if he is seeing other women, but by saying i dont want to know am shooting myself in the foot

 

can anyone relate? can you give me some insight into what should be said to him and what i should do? feel lost here

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i want to say to him that I am only with him. and that maybe he doesn't care but that i wanted him to know. and that his situation is another story and i am not sure i want to go there and not sure i want to know the answer.

 

No... you want to know the answer... you are just afraid of the answer.

 

Telling him that you aren't sleeping with anyone else doesn't do anything. Are you hoping to guilt him? Just because you aren't doesn't mean he isn't. Are you hoping for a confession or a declaration? What if he doesn't give you that? You'll be back in the same situation where you've told him where YOU are but he hasn't told you where HE is.

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You are trying to manipulate the question and situation, so he gives you the answer you want. You knew what this was when it started, and so did he. You are the one that feels things have changed - you don't know how he feels.

 

Just do the line, see how he reacts. If it isn't the reaction you want, your dignity is intact and you can walk away with your head held high.

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Ugh. Why do women do this? So frustrating!

 

You're trying to close the barn door after the horse has escaped.

 

My take is that he's enjoying the sex and the friendship. Doesn't sound like he has an interest in dating or having a relationship, which is what you both agreed to.

 

You wanting to change the terms could end this. BUT, if you're looking for something more, then hold true to yourself, and confront him. But, be prepared for him to not echo your change of heart.

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I wouldn't do this by email. If you two are friends and you're comfortable having him inside of you then the next time you see him before you have sex, tell him that you want to talk about where you two stand and what his intentions are- that you get that you are friends who get together for sex but you want to confirm that that's still true. My sense is that if he wanted to date you or saw potential here he would be chomping at the bit to make sure you wouldn't be snapped up by someone else, despite his being "shy".

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redress and yaz thank you very much for your posts, i really appreciate it.

reddress - thing is i have a feeling is yes... i am guessing i know, but it is based on this... when we were friends just before we got together we were talking about our love lives and he said he had a casual sex relationship at that time with a woman who was happy to be just casual sex with him also .... and then we started to have sex, i never brought it up, never discussed what that meant, i didn't see him often and when did it was sex without questions or dating.... so there is a HUGE chance he didn't stop seeing that woman. I mean unless she coincidently ended it, the chance of a man telling another woman he found attractive that he wants to stop sleeping with her because he met a woman that he sometimes casually sleeps with ... I mean honestly not many men would do that i dont think. Sure stop seeing a FWB for a relationship, but stop other things for an exclusively FWB deal with me, seems more unlikely to me

 

reddress - if i did ask him 'are you sleeping with other people' is it a very clingy question? will he even tell the truth?

 

just feel like there is so much we haven't discussed. but it is not so clear cut because i am not ready for a big thing. i just secretly crave the idea that it is just us me and him, in this 'thing' we have going.

 

who knows, there is a small chance he isn't seeing another woman at all. but then wouldn't he have let me know that? and intuition of how good looking he is, how many women friends he has, and the fact that he was single a while before i knew him leads to the fact that there are probably some other women

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I will never understand how two people can sleep together but not talk to each other.

 

I have to agree with RedDress. Why is it a piece of cake to sleep with someone early on, but for many, it's way too soon to meet their family, friends, or ask a simple question, (as an example)?

 

Katrina, Please just ask him!

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you know what i just played it out in my head and asking him 'are you sleeping with other people' i would come accross as a naive little girl and he would think i am pretty stupid. i know he is. everything about him from before we started sleeping together told me that mostly even words from his own mouth. i think he assumes that i know he is, if you know what i mean!! i just dont know what to do with the information.

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reddress - if i did ask him 'are you sleeping with other people' is it a very clingy question? will he even tell the truth?

 

I don't think it's a clingy question at all. Quite the opposite. You have the right to know for health reasons, if nothing else.

 

Will he tell you the truth? Define truth! Haha... If he's NOT sleeping with anyone else, he'll say 'No' quickly. If he IS sleeping with someone else, you will know immediately. He will crack jokes or get kinda squirmy or something... Basically (especially after sex) - if it's not an immediate "no", it's because it's a "yes".

 

I still think the question works if you are reasonably certain that he's sleeping with someone else. The easy follow-up to that (after his squirming) is "I'd prefer if you didn't..."

 

I just think it's best to be direct. Anything less will only get you MORE fuzzy answers and MORE confusion. Sure, it may sting... but at least you'll know where you're at.

 

You can't manipulate the situation into being what you want it to be... you'll only get evading answers and it will only frustrate you more...

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I am confused as to what exactly you want...because I think you are confused as to what you want. It sounds to me like the classic FWB setup where the woman imagines she is fine being a casual sex partner and then finds that she has developed feelings for the guy and hates the fact that there is no commitment and no understanding of monogamy. If you read many of the threads on this forum about FWBs you will find that they pretty much follow the same sequence of events, confusion, uncertainty, anxiety and outcomes as you are currently experiencing. It is also the same idea that the person has no problem having sex but they feel very uncomfortable asking for clarity. If you don't want a relationship with him and you have already been having sex with him for a long time figuring that he was having sex with others, then you have already accepted this setup. If you want monogamy without an actual relationship then you need to make it clear that you would prefer monogamy. That is changing the rules but he could be open to that or he could say no. You need to ask the direct question.

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what about saying

''Are you sleeping with other people? Are you serious about anyone? I think we should be more open with each other.'' (the additional bit shows that I am not going to neccessarily going to run away from everything if he is?) the thing is, we have slept together maybe a total of 7 or 8 times, and never discussed more, so its kind of like now where we would stop sleeping with others but not until now, if that makes sense? (i haven't had any other guy in the picture, not on purpose there just hasn't been anyone else)

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crazy about dogs thank you - yes i don't know what i want, i really don't. its true that i accepted the setup. you said If i want monogamy without an actual relationship then i need to make it clear that i would prefer monogamy. should i ask if he is open to that? i thought that it may be weird that i would want things to stay light and yet want him alone.

 

it just feels murky for my mind because i don't have this longing to be with him all the time, or to see him all the time, i am ok when i dont hear from him. a lot of the way i feel does feel casual, but then the 'what is his situation with other women' question comes up in my mind and it confuses me. it also confuses me that he doesn't ask about my situation either - does he want to but doesnt? or does he not care... those two things play on my mind.

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what about saying

''Are you sleeping with other people? Are you serious about anyone? I think we should be more open with each other.'' (the additional bit shows that I am not going to neccessarily going to run away from everything if he is?) the thing is, we have slept together maybe a total of 7 or 8 times, and never discussed more, so its kind of like now where we would stop sleeping with others but not until now, if that makes sense? (i haven't had any other guy in the picture, not on purpose there just hasn't been anyone else)

 

7 or 8 times? That's not long. It could b a week, or 8, but it's still a short amount of time. I'd say he's enjoying things the way they are. He'll read your question as entrapment, probably. If I were you, I'd leave. Anyone who wants FWB with me, gets FWB only. If I develop any feelings further than friends, I end things. And as soon as the benefits end, so does the friendship. If they want my friendship, they can respect it enough not to trade it in for sex - it just makes me feel used. Some people are ok with FWB, but you aren't obviously - the uncertainty bothers you. Just leave. If he wants you, he will chase you down and get you back.

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yaz - exactly its not long really either which makes the question seem premature, which is how i ended up thinking what i was thinking at the start of this thread, of just letting him know that I wasn't seeing anyone else, without asking about him...

 

i did tell him about after the 4th time we slept together, i mentioned on the phone that i felt a bit uncomfortable just having sex without emotion, and he said that he did too he had been feeling the same way ... then i said maybe we should not talk for a while, and he said please dont be like that we are also friends remember and i said yes i know, then we started talking about when we were free to meet for a coffee and that we would talk about it more. thing is we never did. i ended up not being able to see him for ages because i had family staying and when we did meet up we were in bed within minutes lol because we had missed each other sexually. so that was a lame attempt at doing what you just suggested.

 

by the way i want to say a big thank you to all of you for this thread it is really helping me and clearing my head a lot... i really thank you all that you took time to help me out

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Well, make sure you don't jump into bed with him when he comes running back next time. Say 'this is relationship sex, or no sex at all'. Don't do it in the bedroom, and definitely don't do it naked. Do it somewhere where he can focus his thoughts on what is actually happening, rather than saying 'yes' quickly because he's about to get laid.

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