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Will ignoring him work?


Aniken

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My crush and I went out on 2 dates last year, nothing since (think he got cold feet after), but i know he likes me.

 

On Valentine's Day he bought me a box of chocolates which I thought was really sweet (he's never bought me anything before other than paying for the dates) - I sent him a text thanking him and he had the audacity to tell me that it wasn't because of Valentines Day that he bought it, he just thought I might enjoy it as he knows I like chocolates.

 

I thought that was the biggest load of hogwash and have been ignoring him since.

He can't seem to admit how he feels and he lies about things to make it seem

as if he doesn't care for me (it's not the first time he's lied about something to me).

He unfortunately is not the kind of guy that I can sit down and speak to about feelings

and emotions - I want him to come to me and ask me what the problem is and maybe then he'll be willing to listen.

 

Do you think the ignoring approach will work or only send him further into his denial shell?

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I think you are not far enough into dating him to be thinking like this. I read his "not because of Valentine's Day" statement as "it doesn't have to be Valentine's Day for me to buy you chocolates, I will buy them becasue I know you enjoy them". Not a good idea to play the "ignoring" game to try to manipulate him into doing what you want him to do. There is a chance he is simply shy and trying not to come on too strong.

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He can't seem to admit how he feels and he lies about things to make it seem

as if he doesn't care for me

 

You know ... There is a small chance that he actually does not have romantic feelings for you. Just keep that in mind.

 

(it's not the first time he's lied about something to me). He unfortunately is not the kind of guy that I can sit down and speak to about feelings and emotions

 

So he's lied to you multiple times and you can't speak to him about feelings or emotions. What makes you want to date him??

 

I want him to come to me and ask me what the problem is and maybe then he'll be willing to listen.

 

Rather than approaching him about this honestly, you're trying to play a game and manipulate him into showing his "true" feelings. Why is that even worth it? Why be with someone who isn't willing to reciprocate?

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I think you are not far enough into dating him to be thinking like this. I read his "not because of Valentine's Day" statement as "it doesn't have to be Valentine's Day for me to buy you chocolates, I will buy them becasue I know you enjoy them". Not a good idea to play the "ignoring" game to try to manipulate him into doing what you want him to do. There is a chance he is simply shy and trying not to come on too strong.

 

But why specifically Valentines Day...he could have given it to me on any other day. He says things to me that only a guy who is seriously into someone will say e.g. he knows all the pairs of shoes I have in my closet and I'm sure every jersey AND its color, he always compliments me and staring the is the norm. He is very reserved though...

 

Also, I've already expressed my feelings to him as well, so the above puzzles me further...

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You know ... There is a small chance that he actually does not have romantic feelings for you. Just keep that in mind.

 

 

 

So he's lied to you multiple times and you can't speak to him about feelings or emotions. What makes you want to date him??

 

 

 

Rather than approaching him about this honestly, you're trying to play a game and manipulate him into showing his "true" feelings. Why is that even worth it? Why be with someone who isn't willing to reciprocate?

 

Yes, he has lied about certain things in particular but I figured it was just his insecurities - I am an assertive and confident person and he is neither.

 

As mentioned above, I expressed my feelings to him and all he gave me in return was a rather stunned, blank stare and the topic was never discussed again...

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Here's the rub.

 

You have two dates last year, and nothing since.

 

But, you are convinced he still likes you. I think it sounds like friendzone all the way.

 

However, what's the point and what is that worth, if he's not going to act on it and date you again?

 

I'd move on. This doesn't seem rewarding for you at all.

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Here's the rub.

 

You have two dates last year, and nothing since.

 

But, you are convinced he still likes you. I think it sounds like friendzone all the way.

 

However, what's the point and what is that worth, if he's not going to act on it and date you again?

 

I'd move on. This doesn't seem rewarding for you at all.

 

His colleagues have mentioned his change in behavior since he met me (not the same when I'm around), and one of his very close friends has hinted at his feelings for me, so I am pretty sure, obviously not 100% because I haven't heard him say the words.

 

And one of the reasons I'm also ignoring is because he hasn't acted since the dates and yet still feels the need to "show" how he feels while denying it if that makes any sense...

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I think the bigger picture is the fact that he only dated you twice last year, and here we are almost in March of this year, and he hasn't asked you out again. How is he keeping in contact?

 

Since he's not stepping up to the plate, I'm not sure how ignoring him will change that. It seems that he has you in limbo, which wouldn't sit well with me.

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I think the bigger picture is the fact that he only dated you twice last year, and here we are almost in March of this year, and he hasn't asked you out again. How is he keeping in contact?

 

Since he's not stepping up to the plate, I'm not sure how ignoring him will change that. It seems that he has you in limbo, which wouldn't sit well with me.

 

We had 2 dates towards the end of last year , then there were 6 weeks of me being out of town. Having to get back to where we left off when i returned was really difficult as he is not the most forthcoming person when it comes to feelings/dating.

 

We work in the same building, so I can see him if I want or not... This might not make sense to you, but at most times I can see how he feels - he is almost transparent without him realising it..the irony!

 

The limbo thing is what bothers me - the reason I'm hanging on is the "have no regrets" thought...I want to know that we've both decided it wasn't worth it and move on, but at least we should/could/would've tried. I know that he is extremely sensitive and ignoring him would hurt him - I hate to have gone that route as it seems so childish and immature, but thought I would give it a shot before I do throw in the towel...but I'm not sure if this is really the answer...

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What difference is throwing in the towel or ignoring him?

 

If you threw in the towel, you wouldn't be speaking to him. And you're not speaking to him anyway.

 

You've obviously got a thing for him, or else this hogwash wouldn't bother you in the least bit. Like said above, there's a huge chance that he's just really shy and he may think that since you two have a spotty dating relationship, he thought that a little thing on valentines day could open the door up. I'm sure he did not intend to insult you or mean anything weird by saying that the chocolates were merely a thougthful gift. He probably didn't want to presume too much in giving a gift on valentines day, it's such a touchy day to begin with and I give him some credit for manning up a bit and taking a step, albiet a very small one.

 

 

So have you spoken to him at all since the valentines day incident?

 

It sounds like you have a load of thoughts going through your head, without any interaction with him. Could you be overthinking things?

 

 

And as far as limbo goes, I think that's a bit of BS, no offense at all. You went on two dates, a long time ago. You sound like one who likes to have the upper hand on things, not that there's anything wrong with that. I say let the chips fall where they may, don't try to control things so much.

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On Valentine's Day he bought me a box of chocolates which I thought was really sweet (he's never bought me anything before other than paying for the dates) - I sent him a text thanking him and he had the audacity to tell me that it wasn't because of Valentines Day that he bought it, he just thought I might enjoy it as he knows I like chocolates.

 

Either he is twisted and is screwing with your emotions or he is trying to show you that he is not doing something nice to you because a commercial sexist day makes him feel obligated to, he is doing it spontanously from his heart, true romance.

 

As to why he did it on that specific day rather than another? Maybe he doesn't want you getting gifts from other guys and not him and therefore he doesn't want to be forgotten but he is embarressed at the idea of it being linked to Valentines Day.

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Either he is twisted and is screwing with your emotions or he is trying to show you that he is not doing something nice to you because a commercial day makes him feel obligated to, he is doing it spontanously from his heart, true romance.

 

Which is exactly my point...why take the romantic notion from giving the gift and turn it into something else. When I thanked him all his could have said was "my pleasure" or "hope you enjoy it". Why state that it wasn't because of Valentine's Day...I thought that was a totally pointless comment.

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I'm still making my presence felt, which would be the main difference between me ignoring him and throwing in the towel - zero contact once I throw in the towel.

 

Do I have a thing for him? I surely do, which is why I am bothered by his behavior as you rightly mentioned.

I am a female, so we tend to overthink things from time to time (generally speaking of course), but I am neither blind nor do I imagine things, I am pretty grounded when it comes to matters of the heart, but also very inexperienced.

 

No, I have not spoken to him since Valentine's Day not only because of that most pointless comment, but because of all his innuendos - all show, but no talk, I have to constanly try and figure out what he's trying to say...gets really tiring after a while.

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Why state that it wasn't because of Valentine's Day...I thought that was a totally pointless comment.

What he said is exactly what I would have said in his position. Valentine's Day is a controversial thing and also one that stirs emotions positive and negative. For me, I despise it and would feel embarrassed and pathetic if I gave a gift to a girl because of it. I consider V day to be the most unromantic day of the year... romance is about spontaneity, not sexist obligation forced upon by society and a commercial day.

 

Now please consider that I'm a decent guy and therefore consider that the above just might be how he feels about it too, hence the need to clarify his gift was not linked. What he said could easily have been him trying to be romantic, however strange that seems to you.

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What he said is exactly what I would have said in his position. Valentine's Day is a controversial thing and also one that stirs emotions positive and negative. For me, I despise it and would feel embarrassed and pathetic if I gave a gift to a girl because of it. I consider V day to be the most unromantic day of the year... romance is about spontaneity, not sexist obligation forced upon by society and a commercial day.

 

Now please consider that I'm a decent guy and therefore consider that the above just might be how he feels about it too, hence the need to clarify his gift was not linked. What he said could easily have been him trying to be romantic, however strange that seems to you.

 

It was the first time in about ten years that I'd received something for Vday only to be told it ain't a v day gift - that's weird! Some of us females tend to make a little bit of a deal on that day ...

 

He is a very decent guy, very reserved and somewhat shy and maybe you're right about him being embarassed about it being a V day gift, although I must mention, that I didn't raise the issue of V Day, he did. All I did was thank him and he went into defensive mode...

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He has audacity for giving you chocolates and you are ignoring him to try to change the way he acts towards you?

 

You are the one who needs the behavior modification.

 

Maybe that's why he lies, he's afraid of retribution because you over exaggerate everything.

 

If that were true, everything would make so much sense, but unfortunately that's not the case...

 

You're assuming he lies because he's afraid of retribution... in need of behavior modification? Very bold of you to "say" that based on one thread....

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No, I have not spoken to him since Valentine's Day not only because of that most pointless comment, but because of all his innuendos - all show, but no talk, I have to constanly try and figure out what he's trying to say...gets really tiring after a while.

 

 

Look at what you just wrote.

 

Some people go by the mantra "actions speak louder than words".

 

Instead of beating around the bush with this guy, and instead of waiting, you could put all of the other distractions aside if you simply took initiative and stopped waiting for him and talk to him. For some reason, something is stopping him from getting in touch with you.

 

 

Could you think of ANYTHING that may deter him from making a 100% move on you at this stage, considering you have gone on a date?

 

Are we missing anything?

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It was the first time in about ten years that I'd received something for Vday only to be told it ain't a v day gift - that's weird! Some of us females tend to make a little bit of a deal on that day ...

 

He is a very decent guy, very reserved and somewhat shy and maybe you're right about him being embarassed about it being a V day gift, although I must mention, that I didn't raise the issue of V Day, he did. All I did was thank him and he went into defensive mode...

 

What is "defensive mode"?

 

What did you say when you thank him. A simple thank you shouldn't trigger a defensive stance.

 

If you think his comment was a defensive one, then, that's your perception. I think you're making much out of nothing though, honestly. Sometimes people say dumb comments and that's it. Nothing is meant by it.

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What is "defensive mode"?

 

What did you say when you thank him. A simple thank you shouldn't trigger a defensive stance.

 

If you think his comment was a defensive one, then, that's your perception. I think you're making much out of nothing though, honestly. Sometimes people say dumb comments and that's it. Nothing is meant by it.

 

Honestly, all I said was a heartfelt "thank you"...

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Look at what you just wrote.

 

Some people go by the mantra "actions speak louder than words".

 

Instead of beating around the bush with this guy, and instead of waiting, you could put all of the other distractions aside if you simply took initiative and stopped waiting for him and talk to him. For some reason, something is stopping him from getting in touch with you.

 

 

Could you think of ANYTHING that may deter him from making a 100% move on you at this stage, considering you have gone on a date?

 

Are we missing anything?

 

We are from different races - although I figured if that was an issue initially, why still bother dating me?

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His colleagues have mentioned his change in behavior since he met me (not the same when I'm around), and one of his very close friends has hinted at his feelings for me, so I am pretty sure, obviously not 100% because I haven't heard him say the words.

 

And one of the reasons I'm also ignoring is because he hasn't acted since the dates and yet still feels the need to "show" how he feels while denying it if that makes any sense...

 

 

But it's still irrelevant.

 

You're asking here if it's good to ignore a guy who isn't even asking you out.

 

That's like calling a guy who isn't calling you to tell him to stop calling. lol

 

Seems kinda, um, you know.

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But it's still irrelevant.

 

You're asking here if it's good to ignore a guy who isn't even asking you out.

 

That's like calling a guy who isn't calling you to tell him to stop calling. lol

 

Seems kinda, um, you know.

 

Just because he isn't asking me out, doesn't mean he's not wanting to converse or be around me, which incidentally he does...so no reason to LOL...

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It was the first time in about ten years that I'd received something for Vday only to be told it ain't a v day gift - that's weird! Some of us females tend to make a little bit of a deal on that day ...

 

He is a very decent guy, very reserved and somewhat shy and maybe you're right about him being embarassed about it being a V day gift, although I must mention, that I didn't raise the issue of V Day, he did. All I did was thank him and he went into defensive mode...

 

There you go, he's probably waiting for you to make the first move of asking him out because he's fearful of rejection but you shouldn't have that same fear as it's clear he likes you romantically, so just do it and give him a break.

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