Telling your ex you agree with the break up: bad move?

As I'm slooowly healing, I'm wondering... they say that the best thing to do when your bf/gf doesn't love you anymore and wants to end the relationship is to agree with the break up, to say you're fine with that. Well, at first I did what everybody does when their partner leaves: begging and so on. Then, after some weeks went by, I texted him saying: "I agree with the break up, I think you took the right decision, I'm fine with that, I think we're better off this way, because all I want is for you to be happy." I wanted to enter NC with a final positive message. But I was wondering... what if they realize the rebound relationship they entered soon after breaking up with you is not so good after all, and what if they start to think about you in a romantic way again and their love for you comes back... what if they're tempted to come back to you but think that you were positive about the break up, that you were fine with that, that you are happier without them. Could this "I agree with the break up" be a very bad move? They say that if an ex wants you back he will do everything to be together with you again, but I think this is the case when the ex "has a spine", iron will, call it whatever you want. But if he's the average boy and has already some kind of mental block because he still feels guilty for dumping you, then your agreeing with the break up will prevent him from making that first move to break NC and try and reconcile. What do you think about this?

that's the best thing you can do. very well done.

well with one ex [not current one] I didn't say anything about agreeing to break up ...I tried to get back...didn't work...

What I did do was move on...really move on...and he did come back...months later...however at first I was wanting for us to try again but on the phone he just

seemed so...cocky...like *I have her wrapped around my finger* *I have the power in this*...he was suppose to call to talk about us...he took his time saying he's been busy blah blah blah...

well screw that I rang him back up and said I'd changed my mind and told him I was not interested in getting back with him anymore...and I meant it !!!!

Still months later he tried to get back with me...again...however I was not wanting him anymore...

We had LC throughout...[have kids]...I just kept it all minimum...I was busy with studying so was not able to hold convos with him...really didn't want to either...basically passed the phone to the children...

I didn't know anything about LC/NC ...I did what I felt was right for me...I let go...moved on...because I did it so I didn't spend my time ruining my life stressing over some guy...

The best course is to show through actions...not bs I'm agreeing to the breakup...just show through actions...and they will either regret and come back or they won't...

I mean honestly theres no point worrying what will or won't happen...how will that change anything ? just cause you unneeded stress...If they want you they will come back even if you had rejected them a few times..hence in my case...

Look at the end of the day you really have to change your mindset and really not give a damn whether they come back or not...probably harder for some...but with that ex I mentioned above I was devastated couldn't do much...however I eventually got to the stage where I wasn't attracted to him both physically and emotionally anymore...

Thank you Sunnz, you're right. I'm healing, I'm moving on, I'm not waiting for him to come back. But sometimes I have these thoughts going through my mind and feel the need to write them down. As I said, I'm still healing, I'm not over him yet, but I hope one day I won't feel a thing for him anymore and it will be a huge relief. Thank you, you're a kind person, I really appreciated you words.

I wouldn't say things with any ulterior motive. If you said what you said, leave it lay. Don't wonder if it ruins your chances of something "after NC." You do not know what NC will bring. You could realize that you can't believe you wasted so much time with him. You may realize that you were in an intimate relationship with someone you wouldn't even want to be friends with. You just never know. And after it you will be two different people than you were and even if you both matured, you might be longer right for eachother.

this is what i said to my ex before she messed with my head...it was what i felt was right and i let her f""k me up....walk away and say thanks for the meories. good luck

Jonesy

Hey A,

I have been tempted to tell my ex to not initiate contact with me anymore, but really the best thing is just to drop of the face of the earth. And, if you want it, that will probably give you more options down the road. Men respond to actions, not words. It is also healthier to go NC. WHat you did was fine. If he really wants you, he will come back.

Very Nice Post! Well said and so true!

My ex dumped me a month a ago, on the phone (we lived 50 miles or so from eachotrher) She had agreed to meet up one more time to get closure and to say goodbye, but after trying to call her and getting no answer, she sent me a reply stating she had already dealt with her emotions and couldn't meet up & that she was sorry.

I listened to some advice about agree with the breakup and no contact. So I sent her an 'agree with the breakup' message.

I said 'I still feel sad the way things ended, but have to say you made the right descision becasue if things were not right then one of us had to break it off, we could be better off this way, and all I want is for you too be happy'

No mind tricks or manipulation intended, but thought I would at least get the last say and put on back on level field.

Now just over a week of no contact and over a month since I last actually saw her, part of me wants to write say how angry and disgusted I am that she couldn't meet up face to face one more time to get closure and say goodbye. Had we been able to do so me may not necessarily got back together but would feel alot better then what I'm feeling now.

I'm trying to move on, but this is bugging me like hell!!!!

I think that no matter whether you say "I agree with the break up, all the best" or not, if your ex thinks that you are THE ONE, they WILL take the risk, even if it means that you are unavailable and have moved on, to check whether you are still up for grabs. What is the worst thing that could happen to them? THEY are the ones that dumped you. So really, all they need to do is swallow their pride and come out and tell you so. That is, if they really do want to get back together. Don't make excuses for the ex. If they want you, and they feel that they have made the biggest mistake of their lives, NOTHING will stop them from communicating to you that they want to be with you and soon. Anything less than that, sorry, but they don't want you enough.

I think the best time to say it, is ironically, also at the time when it is hardest to say it - at the beginning of the break up, or when you would like to enter into NC because your ex is still in contact and that you respect their decision and for them to only contact you if they would like to reconcile. But if you break a few weeks NC when you aren't even talking to your ex and probably never will, don't risk breaking NC just to tell them that you respect their decision. Because chances are you don't, you are actually wanting to start up NC and to talk to them again.

Well for the first 2 weeks, I was anxiously hoping to meet up with her one more time. Tried texting her to meet every few days. When I got a reply saying she couldn't because she had already dealt with her emotions. I then sent my message saying she was right to break it off and implemented no contact straight after.

Just feels hurt that she couldn't meet up again thats all.

It does hurt, but she was doing what was best for herself. By the time that she break up with you, she'd already checked out so she probably didn't see the point in doing so.

With regards to saying a breakup was a good idea: I had two ex's come back and the story goes like this -

Ex 1) He came back two years later. I had moved on. I was desperately wanting him back and I probably said at some point during my begging/pleading/negotiating phase that I agreed with the breakup, but I can't be sure. Either way, he came back eventually. I think the whole "I agree with the breakup" as a way of making the person miss you kind of goes out the window when you're apart for a long time. I am sure neither of us remember what we said to one another during those painful desperate months where I begged for him back.

Ex 2) He called me to break up with me and I don't know if I AGREED with the breakup, but I did say something like "you know, I'm more annoyed and hurt that you stood me up then called me rather than just coming here and saying it to my face". He came back a couple months later (3?).

Current ex:

I broke up with him. Tried to take it back. He decided he wanted it. I agreed to it. I tried to negotiate us fixing things in the future, he wouldn't talk about it. I said I wasn't okay with the break up. Thanked him for the good times and took off. That was a over a week ago. So far, no love!

It does hurt, but she was doing what was best for herself. By the time that she break up with you, she'd already checked out so she probably didn't see the point in doing so.

and thats what really HURTS!!! It feels very selfish of her. I can't force her to be with me, especially if she doesn't feel the same way. But she dumped me on the phone because I was about to book a concert tickets. I never got to see her again.

You know what its like to loose a friend without saying goodbye. Imagine losing someone who have been in a relationship with, without saying goodbye to them!

I just wish she could have given me the chance to do that, it would have made things alot more easier for me. I really miss her!!!

You don't need to say goodbye to her to get closure. Write her a letter but do not give it to her. That will help you with your own feelings a lot. She doesn't need a goodbye from you, so this is about you, not her.