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Thread: Getting fed up with my mother constantly complaining

  1. #1
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    Getting fed up with my mother constantly complaining

    Back in September of last year, I sold my Wii for about $75 because my best friend needed to get back home and had no way to get there since me and one other person are all she has in South Carolina and she lives in New York. She was stuck in Florida because she wanted to visit her boyfriend (LDR), but he turned out to be a bit crazy. He stole the money she had while she was sleeping and I'm guessing spent it. He did literally everything to keep her from leaving to go back home and even did whatever he could to keep her from talking to any one of her friends or family. He had a gun and she has a deathly phobia of guns and she was too scared to go to the police. Me and her friend decided to pool what money we could get to go down to Florida and get her. Neither of us could afford to drive her all the way back to NY so, when we got back to SC, we just sold whatever things we did not need or use to get enough for a bus ticket for her.

    I sold my Wii and got $75 and that was the only thing I sold because I wasn't willing to sell anything else. This barely covered the ticket and food for her to eat on the trip home. My mother, when she found out, flipped out about me selling it because she bought it when it came out. At that time it was $500, she bought it because I wanted it and put it on her credit card because she can't afford to pay cash for it. Pick any card she has, if she put it on any one of those cards then it would be an extra $100 interest. I have to live with her because financially I have no choice unless I go for being homeless since I have no family anywhere since all are either dead or God knows where.

    Her Side:
    -I should have asked her regardless
    -Should have asked her for other ways to get friend home
    -I shouldn't have sold it for $75 (GameStop) when she bought it for $500.
    -She wanted buy Wii Fit to use it eventually
    -Claims she said it was for "us" not just me.
    -I was "selfish" for selling it.
    -I should pay her the $500+the interest back to her.

    My Side:
    -She says every time that, had I asked her, she would have said "No".
    -Every time I ask for other ways, she says the cops will give her a bus ticket. I doubt that.
    -It cost $500 two years ago. It is now being sold at $200 new, $120 used at GameStop. -GameStop was the only place around here that I could sell it at.
    -Helping a friend get home is not selfish. Selling a gift I never use anymore isn't selfish.
    -Shes said she wanted to get the Wii Fit since a couple months after she bought the Wii. I cannot afford to buy it and every time I offer to play the Wii with her (family games like Mario Party) she turns it down. Says she cannot afford to buy Wii Fit either.
    -I haven't touched the Wii in nearly a year before I sold it. By her logic, I should have kept it simply because she wanted to despite not having any plans on saving even $1 to buy the Wii Fit.
    -She buys her mother a Wii+Wii Fit last Christmas on the same credit card. Constantly hounds her mother to use the Wii she bought her.
    -My last two points make me believe she should not expect me to keep it on an improbability.
    -I have no memory of her telling me it was for us, this is coming from a person who has can remember what I ate at the movies on every date I've ever been on since I was 14, I'm 21 now.
    -It was a birthday present. She bought it and gave it to me on my birthday, which is when she always (much to my own irritation) blows money she cannot afford on me. I should not have to pay money for doing the right thing or for doing what I wish with a birthday present given to me two years ago.
    -She has never liked my best friend. I think part of it is because she was always more emotionally and mentally there for me than my mother ever was, especially during my 3-year long depression in high school.

    I'm getting fed up with this, every chance she gets she brings up the stupid Wii and puts me down about it. I just tell her I'm not getting into it because I've already apologized and she keeps saying I must not care because I never apologized for it. Then continues on all her aformentioned points to bring back the argument despite how pointless it is. She doesn't care my friend had no way home, she only cares that I sold a gift she gave me that I hadn't used in close to a year and the thing she never once used. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? She is the only one who brings it up.

  2. #2
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    At 21, you're at an age where you are making that transition from "child" to adult. Your mom is having to learn how to find that transition between actively parenting and just being a parent of an adult child. On one hand, her feelings are hurt because she gave you something and you sold it. On the other hand, you're old enough to make your own choices without your mom controlling you or criticizing you. I know it sounds simplistic but you may just apologize to your mom in a matter-of-fact way for selling something she gave you and then try to let the issue go. If she mentions it again, then you can firmly say that you're 21, you already apologized, and now you'd like her to stop mentioning it.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by owl27 View Post
    I know it sounds simplistic but you may just apologize to your mom in a matter-of-fact way for selling something she gave you and then try to let the issue go. If she mentions it again, then you can firmly say that you're 21, you already apologized, and now you'd like her to stop mentioning it.
    I've apologized just about every time she brought it up. And I've already told her the last five times that I'm 21, have already apologized, and would appreciate her ceasing to continue mentioning this. It just seems like talking won't work, ignoring it won't work, and I refuse to pay her back for a birthday present. Especially not in the sense that it seems the only way to get her to shut up about it because that is only reinforcing the very behavior from her that I can't stand.

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    I don't think the issue is how your mom feels about your friend or about the money she spent on you. The issue is control. She sounds like she's a controlling person which comes from insecurity. Next time you talk to her, take a deep breath and think positive. Have the intention that the subject won't be brought up. Make sure you're not sending out vibes that you're just bracing yourself for her to bring the subject up again. If she does bring it up, calmly say "Mom, I'd love to talk to you about something else but if you insist on talking about this subject again, I need to hang up (or leave) because I don't want it to affect our relationship." If she makes another comment about it, say "Okay, call me when you're ready to talk about something else. Love you." and hang up (or walk away). The trick is to stay calm and direct.

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  6. #5
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    Thing is, her comment is always something that suggests (or flat out states) that I don't care about her, don't care about her feelings, or don't love her. Honestly, she's gotten me to the point several years ago where I honestly don't care if she thinks that. I do make sure to let her know I do, but I'm just tired of it. To be honest, I don't really even have a relationship with her anymore because of everything I've had to deal with from her. Especially not since I turned 20, which is when I started just doing what I want. If I felt like hanging out with friends or stay the night at my girlfriend's apartment then I'm going. Even now, she flips that into me not caring about her feelings. I know she is controlling, I was 19 years old and still had to ask permission from my mother to go on a date with my girlfriend. I know it is one of the reasons why she hates my best friend (she and I used to date when I was 19).

  7. #6
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    If I had to guess, you're mom is alone? Unmarried? Maybe not a lot of friends? She may simply be lonely and afraid of losing her "baby." I know that sounds weird now because you're 21 and she's being kind of rude to you. But it sounds like guilt is the only way she thinks she can hold you. So maybe show her that you'll be around just because she's your mom and you want to talk to her, not because you have to. Encourage her to do stuff that will keep her busy and not thinking about controlling you.

  8. #7
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    Pretty much. She has one friend, who she says agrees with her side saying I'm wrong. She claims she told her the whole story which I highly doubt.
    She was married to my father until I was 2 because he was verbally abusive towards her, which I have no memory of him being in my entire life. If I want to go hang out with him she flips out, last time she went on about how because he never paid child support so he has no right to see me despite medical bills proving he could not afford to due to his medication. Severe heart and lung problems on top of diabetes with a naturally weak immune system. But she insists it is all a scam he's cooked up.

    I don't really know what to encourage her to do. She works 6am until 6pm and never wants to do anything but make a mess out of the house. I clean and organize the house, get no acknowledgement, then she messes it all up and complains how messy the house is. Then gets all pissy when I tell her it wouldn't be so messy if she put stuff back when she was done with it. If I don't clean it, it doesn't get done. Always been that way. And I always try to make it as obvious as possible that her guilt trips don't work on me anymore, haven't for almost two years. To be honest, she knows the only reason I'm living with her is because I can't afford to move out and can't find a decent girl. And I've already told her a long while back that if she keeps up her guilt trips and over-controlling behavior that, when I move out, it would be either "Good bye" (if she stops) or "Good riddance" (if she doesn't).

  9. #8
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    Hang in there. Keep working and moving toward getting your own place. That will ultimately be the best thing for you and your mom and may help you feel better about your overall relationship. Birds are supposed to fly the nest! Meanwhile, just do things you enjoy and try not to focus too much on your mom's negativity.

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