My girlfriend broke up with me, but still says she loves and cares for me.

How do I get her back? Well, here's the full story. She was my first girlfriend and love (we're both eighteen), and we first started talking on Facebook this summer after we found out we got into the same college. It didn't take long until we built a strong connection, and were either texting or talking online almost all day. She had several boyfriends before me, but it was not serious or long-term, and she said they were too 'self-centered.' We first met at the start of our fall freshman semester, and hit it off almost instantly with our first kiss taking a bit more than a week of dating. She was most attracted by my being sweet, and geekiness (she's kind of a geek too, but doesn't look the type). She was also attracted by my out of character sexual fantasies we shared online, but we never really had much of a physical relationship, other than making out several times and hugging/kissing whenever we saw one another. I really loved her from the start, still do, and probably always will. She was the first person other than my immediate family who accepted and understood me, and always made an effort in that regard. We were very supportive of each other, and pretty much hung out all the time during the first semester, and I always wanted to treat her like a princess. Often surprised her with flowers, and occasional jewelry. And always told her how I felt about us, of course I wanted her physically, but I was very interested in the emotional connection. How the relationship progressed is quite a long story, but I can provide more detail if someone asks.

After a while it seemed like she was becoming overwhelmed at how far I was going emotionally, and some of my talk about the future. She always enjoyed the special things I had to tell her, especially things that I learned and appreciated about her, during our distance relationship, which I always meant from the heart. But after a while when we were together she asked me to slow down a bit - I tried my best, but ultimately my greatest mistake was that I still went overkill without providing her with the space to reach her own conclusions on how she felt. She first told me she loved me in mid-October.

We are both also quite insular people, and what we enjoyed when we started our relationship was our ability to open up to one another. Unfortunately, my shy and somewhat passive nature precluded me in opening up as I had before about myself, as our relationship developed, and she didn't seem to share as much about herself either.

Anyway, we were away from each other for winter break for almost a month, and while we tried skyping as often as we could and I texted each day, the distance started to become evident on her end. I sent her very lengthy texts sometimes, and almost always got just a short response back, if anything at all. I should also mention that she is very close to her mom, whom I met twice, and she seemed to like me a lot. They pretty much hung out all the time during break. A few days before we were to return, my ex called to say that she noticed I was sending her a lot of messages about plans for when we got back (something she always enjoyed before), and that she wanted me to know that we wouldn't be able to spend as much time because she was going through a lot. I told her that I understand, and asked if everything was alright, that I was always there for her no matter what. She said all was fine.

The day we were returning, I texted her mom to say that I would let her know when my ex arrives at the bus station. She responded by saying she thinks she needs to spend more time on herself this semester, that we should both find ourselves and are too young for anything serious. I mentioned to my ex that we needed to talk on where she'd like us to go, and that we should focus more on spending time discovering ourselves together, and having a good time, while giving each other the space she needed too. When I met her at the station, she was obviously very tired, but seemed unusually cold, and I realized something was up. I was very sad. We didn't see each other for a while after that, because she said she needed space. After a few days, we started seeing each other for a bit and things seemed normal. Then on the first weekend we went to dinner, and after I apologized for overwhelming her and promised we would take things slow - she told me it wasn't my fault, but that she just can't return my feelings and doesn't feel we're soulmates. Then when we left we talked some more, and both cried a lot, trying to comfort each other. It didn't seem easy on her. She said she wanted to be friends. That was a Saturday, and on Monday we already made plans (my idea) to go ice skating as friends.

I thought it might be a good way for both of us to bond together again by trying something new, and on our way back to campus I stopped, got on my knees (didn't cry or beg), but just told her everything she taught and changed in me, how special she is, and asked her to make me the happiest guy by moving on from our past relationship, and start fresh. We talked about it on the way back, and she said she always thought of us more as friends when we spent time together, and that I was just too sweet so it took her a while to muster the strength of breaking up. That made me a bit upset, and I got a tad argumentative, telling her that as much as it hurts, if she wants me in her life (she said she wanted us to be best friends) she couldn't have it both ways. We could only have friendship within a relationship. I said I would give her time to decide, but I kind of kept pushing it along the way, and she said I was getting a bit annoying. We didn't part on the best terms. I even removed all of our photos together on FB and unfriended her and mom. It has now been two days, our longest period of no contact. She seemed very conflicted about the break up from the start, even saying things along the lines of "I love you, but I don't."

I just don't think she gave enough time for her feelings to fully develop, because I know she has feelings. It was my fault for pushing her so far while we were first dating. My theory is that she is afraid of commitment, because she is very strong and independent, something that I've always respected about her.

On Friday, I plan to meet her outside of her work with flowers (not the romantic red roses I usually surprised her with, but just a bouquet) to tell her I'm sorry for Monday. That afterwards I thought and said some awful things about her which I regret, but that I realized I couldn't stay angry at her when her only fault was being honest. That I love her - always have, and always will. And am ready to take on whichever role she sees me as playing in her life. If she says, as I expect, that she would like for us to be best friends - I am prepared for that. I care for her so much, and just want her to be happy. I know that I am important for her, and think that I might be less reserved in a friendship with her, as opposed to a relationship. It might help us to open up about things as we did before, and I won't lose hope that she will figure things out at some point. She is a once in a lifetime kind of girl, and I will wait for her. I think after a while I might start flirting with her a bit, because she is used to physical relationships, which we never really had. I just wonder what I should do to eventually have her fall for me again, because I honestly think, even though she denies this, that I pushed her too far on an emotional level. I think being best friends will help us get back together, because she does love me (she hasn't even denied it, and it was very hard for her to break up with me) - her only problem is a high phobia towards commitment, which I am willing to understand. Please help!

UPDATE: I was waiting for her after work on Friday with the bouquet, but she was not there. I left her a message, basically along the lines of what I wrote - that I was sorry for earlier, love her (always have, always will), and just want her to be happy no matter what. That I've decided that I want to play whichever role she has in mind for me in her life, and would like her to call or text me whenever she feels like it. I then wrote a note to her in an envelope, which pretty much said the same, and how special she is. I put the envelope in the bouquet, and left it outside of her dorm room (she lives on another campus within the college, so I had to take the shuttle there on a Friday evening, which is notorious for the traffic - I jokingly wrote that she is worth that kind of commute anyday). Later that night, she sent me the following text: Thank you for the flowers...they are very beautiful. I am sick, so I am a bit out of it right now.

I sent the following reply: Aww I'm sorry...feel better (sad face) I am always here for you if you need anything, and I just got off the phone with your mom. Get good rest!

The phone call with her mom is another story from Friday night. Her mom has always been great to me, and even sent me a text after the breakup that she still cares very deeply about me, and is always there for me if I need an 'auntie' to talk to. When I got back from delivering the flowers, I decided to take her up on that offer, and had a very meaningful open conversation with her. She has been through a lot in life, and so has my ex, and that made the advice which she conveyed to me even more poignant. The specifics of the conversation may be relevant to some of you, so I can always reply with more, but for now I will just relate the gist of what was said in regards to the relationship. The most important thing she told me as far as our relationship is concerned was that my ex needs time to grow, and that it may have been a case of 'bad timing.' Her mother certainly knows what she is talking about, as she is as close to my ex as a sister sometimes (that's what my ex told me). She gave me some great advice as to how I should lead my life right now, more than we talked about the relationship, but if anyone is interested I can write more about that part, as well. I also apologized to her about the unfriending on Facebook, and she just laughed and said that no apology is necessary - she understands that I am just acting from the heart and healing, and she accepted my new friend request, as did my ex. She said she still considers me like family.

The talk made me feel a lot better, and added some clarity into my thoughts. I feel giving the friendship a chance will really allow us to discover one another on a much deeper level, which the relationship (too serious at such an early stage) might have stood in the way of. There is a lot I want to open up to my ex about, and I also think that spending time together on hobbies (particularly new ones such as skating) can be a way of bonding and forming a new connection. We had a great time discovering our new city when we first met at college this summer, but when the weather started to get colder, and there was a variety of stress from academics, serious roommate issues, etc. we were just spending most of our time ordering dinner in my dorm and watching TV. The friendship may or may not ultimately serve as a foundation for a new relationship in the future, but I think the important thing for me now (easier said than done) is to stop thinking into that aspect as much, and just see where things go. Slowly developing flirting (ice skating is a good opportunity) will be something I think she will react positively to, because it would be out of character for me, so unexpected, and I think she will be more comfortable with a gradually developing physical connection simply because she is used to it. I will not push anything, but obviously go further if/when she reacts positively to my advances.

I honestly think there is a good chance to turn things around here, and I have added so much detail because when I found this forum it was clear you know what you are talking about. I just need some guidance as to where I should go from here, for which I will be eternally grateful.

Finally, here are the texts I wrote to her today, and I wanted to know if I am doing the right thing with them, or if it's a mistake. How should I go forward with the texting?

Me (12:55 PM): Hope you've been getting good sleep and rest...please let me know how you're feeling. If you need me to get something at cvs, bring you some hot tea or company just know that I am always here (smiley face)

No response to this.

Me (7:30 PM): How are you feeling? Went to the (a certain museum) today..your mom recommended I should..saw the davinci. We should go there soon. How are you feeling? Would you like to get together tomorrow?

Her (7:31 PM): I still feel sick...so idk if I would be up for going out tomorrow.

This is probably me overthinking, but I did find her choice of words interesting here - 'going out.' Please tell me if I am completely wrong here, or if this may mean she's thinking of getting back together.

Me (8:28 PM): Poor thing...feel better and rest up! (smiley face)

I was falling asleep here, but I woke up. Me (10:31 PM): Hmm...looks like I'm coming down with something too (sad face) So I think I will go get sleep early...and so should you. We can make plans for next week...I miss you!

Then I wrote in Russian (she really liked that I can speak Russian fluently, and wanted me to teach her at some point): Good night, and I hope the angels whisper to you in your sleep (smiley face)

I also posted a clip from a British comedy series on her Facebook wall last night (we both love British comedy - and watched it together sometimes), with a message saying that I hope it may cheer her up, and that she feels better.

It all points to another man.

Distance away, enticed by another man all of a sudden she gets sick often.

Doesn't matter if you are a nice guy or not.

If there is one this noticed which is prevalent in this World of relationships is, the grass is greener syndrome is rampant.

She may have fancied who your are for a while but it became stale.

Now she may go for someone totally the opposite.

As she said, she needs space.

As her Mother said "needs to grow"

A way of saying she is going to be wanting to date more men than just you.

Ones that you may consider totally not her type, ones that you may even despise.

She is 18 and will be asked out by a lot of men still.

Many years to go.

He choices maybe poor and she will most likely dump men once she is no longer entertained by them.

She may think of you when she gets thrown away like yesterdays newspaper.

Then you may hear from her in a different light.

You have a long road ahead of you.

Keep your chin up because in all honesty this kind of thing may happen again.

Just look through the forum and you will see a pattern.

Your situation is no different.

I don't agree with the guy above me. I don't think it's another man, but she does seem like she doesn't want to see you. If she has feelings for you...you need to give her some space and go NC for a while. This will def make her crave you. She'll miss you (give it 1 week). Trust me! the problem is that you are being nice, but not in a boyfriend sense, you're being more like her dad. You're not her parent, you're her bf. She feels sick, you go visit her, or take her something. Don't treat her like a child.

Right now, don't do anything! Go NC.

wait 2 or 3 days and if she texts, then go take her some tea (her fav kind)

Yep...just go NC. So early on, if you keep doing what you're doing, you're not going to give her a chance to miss you...she'll remain extremely secure knowing you're always there. By doing that you may be making the same mistake you made during the relationship...you'll be overwhelming her, not making her closer to coming back. You seem like a good guy from what you posted, and she may realize this and may come back, but only if you go NC. You can't lose with NC, you either move on as a stronger person, or she (maybe) comes back and you'll be a stronger person. Break the dependency and work on yourself, and trust me its not easy (it's been about 4 months since my ex broke up with me and it's still difficult at times), but you have to get through it if you expect anything good to come out of it. Good luck man.

Man, that was hard for me to read...not because of what she did to you, but because of the way you acted throughout the relationship and the way you're acting post-break up. I get the vibe that if you don't chill out and control yourself, then she will start seeing you as a stalker.

You may think that you are being some hollywood romantic type guy, but that crap doesn't work in real life. Stop texting and calling her period....and no more flowers.

I don't agree with the guy above me. I don't think it's another man, but she does seem like she doesn't want to see you. If she has feelings for you...you need to give her some space and go NC for a while. This will def make her crave you. She'll miss you (give it 1 week). Trust me! the problem is that you are being nice, but not in a boyfriend sense, you're being more like her dad. You're not her parent, you're her bf. She feels sick, you go visit her, or take her something. Don't treat her like a child.

 

Right now, don't do anything! Go NC.

 

wait 2 or 3 days and if she texts, then go take her some tea (her fav kind)

Seems rather suspicious she started acting this way after the time apart.

It may not be another man but find that she had the attention of other man.

She had time to walk around feeling like she is not attached to anyone.

She may like this feeling more than being attached.

Then the thought of "I am 18 and in a relationship".

No more men for the rest of my life comes in to play.

There is a thread on a girl who feels the need ti break up with her GF because she wants other men to flirt with her, what goes on from there is what you would expect.

The guy she is with has not done anything wrong at all, she just found the relationship has become boring and stale.

Doesn't have the excitement of flirting and dating someone new.

If you are having to play the stupid game of "Don't know what you go till it's gone" then is it really worth it, knowing once she has you again she may relapse and she will be gone again.

"Felling sick frequently".

Up to you.

I know you love her despite what is going on and how confusing it is to you so I am sure you will give NC a chance.

Just remember she is 18 and her thoughts of what makes a man attractive to her will change over the years yet.

I do agree with the 18 and not knowing what she wants. Girls preferences in men change dramatically during the years. I do believe he just needs to cool it and that he can create the spark again when she sees that he is someone strong who can be with anyone he chooses but he chooses to be with her.

Hey seems like a problem similar to me and my gf just with out the flowers and sickness no we had a usual relationship then she said we should just be friends but then again she texts me and said she still loves me but hey ur story seems really hard good luck to u and ur ex wish the best of luck actually I'm going to do the same with what somewhere said he said just let her txt back when she feels like it because I'm not going to try to rush back in to our relationship thx somewhere hope this works and I still luv my ex and she does to so I dnt know I guess fait awaits