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This doesn't have to do with my own situation. I actually have no idea what my ex's dating status is.

 

But from observing others, people really do just jump from person to person, and it doesn't really matter if you are the dumper or dumpee, each position does it.

 

I know a girl who dumped her live-in boyfriend of three years. One week later, she was a dating site and starting dating a new guy. My other friend just got dumped by this guy who she only dated for like a month, but she had been talking about him like he was The One. She's already back out there, dating another guy.

 

Then there's people like me, who even though there are men who would date me, I have no interest in them. I have never been one to date someone just to have someone around. Unless I REALLY like them, I just don't bother. So therein lays my question: how do people find people they genuinely like and connect with so often? I've never understood people who jump from relationship to relationship, because it seems impossible to find so many people you actually WANT to be with in a meaningful way.

 

Are MY standard too high? Can some people just not be alone? Standards too low?

 

I've been truly single for more than four months since my breakup. I've given myself plenty of time, but the truth is -- though I miss a man's company -- at this age, I'm really only looking for the real thing, Love. Still, I know I'm not ready to give my heart away again just yet, so I remain single.

 

I just don't understand people who are never single or who just have to SOMEONE around all the time.

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I jumped from my last relationship to my new one (I didn't mean to, I was just looking for sex) in a day. But a spark happened and here I am. I wish there was more time between my relationships but both of them were special people who I am pretty compatible with. I randomly met them and was not pursuing a relationship with either one. I was the dumper. I was pretty heartbroken but I think if you are upfront about your emotions it can work without being a rebound situation. It was crazy intense for me, jumping from loving one person to really caring about another, and there were nights that I look back on and wonder how it worked out, since everything was so scary, and uncertain, and heartbroken, yet for some reason here we are.

 

I did move on fast. My first heartbreak it took me a year (and a thousand miles) to move on. Maybe I've gained some wisdom? Maybe I know all relationships end and when they do I've learned to accept it? I'm still scared of heartbreak but part of me welcomes it as a learning experience. I know sometime in the future I will be dumped again, but there is no way my behavior will match the first time I was dumped. I have just grown so much from that. I know when to leave people alone now, and I understand better the dynamics of a breakup. So I moved on fast. Found someone new. Learned to love again. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with time either.

 

Some people use dating sites and the attention they get on them as a healing tool. I haven't done this but I don't judge those who do.

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Some people walk into another relationship quickly because they don't want to deal with the suffering of wondering what happened, what went wrong etc. You walk into another relationship, shove everything under a carpet, and feel the rush of "falling in love" again, and thus rebound. With this they completely miss out on the whole learning experience, and hop from person to person. Some people simply can't manage to be single... "love addiction" ever heard of it?

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Just because they move on doesn't mean they fall in love right away. They just want someone there. Sometimes they move on quickly to help them not slide backwards towards their ex and sometimes they are relieved to be away from the ex and thrilled to be moving on. Just depends on the people and the situation. My ex found a new woman in two months and I was pissed. Now we are friends and from what I hear of his rebound relationship, it was no bowl of cherries. He wasn't happy with her but stuck with her so there would be someone around.

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I guess I just don't understand how you can go from loving one person to loving another so quickly, because when I love someone romantically, they hold my heart completely, and there isn't room for anyone else in there.

 

You don't. Also, when you are the dumper, you don't dump the person the instant you realize you're falling out of love, or when you realize you don't want to spend your life with them or whatever. I spent months trying to repair my old relationship. There was no romantic love left. I ended it when I was completely 100% done and knew there was no way to repair it.

 

The new person I had around because I was lonely and needed someone for comfort. It was someone I barely knew. I ended up getting to know them and actually started liking them down the line. It took me months to admit to anything like love, and even now, I don't say "I love you" to him. It's very very slow .. the way it should be for me right now.

 

Hope that explains the issue.

 

I think half a year is enough to fall out of love with someone and in love with someone else. Who knows.

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great question by the way,I always asked myself the same thing and thought I was the only one,seriously.Thought maybe I have standards that are way too high,really don't know how could people jump so quickly and easily from one to another..I know they don't actually want to be with them in a meaningful way as you put it.I think in some cases we subconsciously end up settle with someone,be it because they work with us or go to the same school and we just get to see that person so often and we may find them somewhat attractive so our minds says '' WHAT THE HELL" even though you would never settle but at the time your lonely and just lose track of what you're really searching for...I myself rather wait and I know when it's someone I truly like and want to be with...I think we all do,but lose sight of that,only to later realize when your in the relationship with that person that they aren't what you really wanted.

 

could be wrong though

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I understand how you fell out of love with your last boyfriend. That's often how it goes.

 

But, with your new boyfriend, don't you find it kind of improbable that this person who just decided to hook up with because you wanted to have sex, has turned into love? Most people are lucky to find love once in a lifetime, and you're claiming to have found it back-to-back. I think it's very easy to find someone you like, feel comfortable with, and how that lead into deeply caring about them. But -- no offense -- that seems more like a relationship out of convenience.

 

I hope you don't find what I'm saying insulting, because that's not my intention! Just trying to understand.

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from my experience, the basis of needing to be in a relationship is insecurity with one's self. when you're not comfortable with yourself, you need validation from others; this validation is hard to get while not involved with a romantic partner, which is why these people rush into intimate relationships.

 

the people who do this will never be able to experience true happiness or offer true love to anyone because they haven't completed the first step which is loving yourself. if you've never taken enough alone time to discover what you want from life and what you want from a partner, how will you know when you've found it, and how will you appreciate it if you think you have found it?

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And on their side, they say, "How can some people move on so slow?"

 

Basically, we still think there's something left to fight for, somethign we can still salvage, something deeper that's still keeping ti all together, and they think it's all ruin and wrecked and already abandoned the ship. Hence why it's so frustrating - if they would jsut put in the same amount of heart, it WOULD be saveable - but they're done, and their heart my very well already be on another ship.

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I understand how you fell out of love with your last boyfriend. That's often how it goes.

 

But, with your new boyfriend, don't you find it kind of improbable that this person who just decided to hook up with because you wanted to have sex, has turned into love? Most people are lucky to find love once in a lifetime, and you're claiming to have found it back-to-back. I think it's very easy to find someone you like, feel comfortable with, and how that lead into deeply caring about them. But -- no offense -- that seems more like a relationship out of convenience.

 

I hope you don't find what I'm saying insulting, because that's not my intention! Just trying to understand.

 

My new boyfriend, is not my "boyfriend" yet. We are taking it slow.

 

I understand what you are saying, and I had the same idea as you about love for many years. That it only comes once in life, or there is "one" person out there that will love you, etc etc. I have since changed my mindset, and I may be wrong, but I believe there is alot more love in the world than that. Am I ready to marry this new person? Move in with him? Start naming our children? Lol, of course not. All those thoughts scare me, and I am very far from giving my heart to him completely.

 

To me, my "heart" includes several things more than love, like trust, long-term promises, and an full and complete understanding of what we see in the relationship and what we expect from each other. It takes years to cultivate that sort of thing in a relationship.

 

But love? Yes, I love him. I have compassion for him and I genuinely want him to be happy, even if he's not with me.

 

I know for a fact I am not afraid of being alone anymore and I'm not with him because I'm lonely (anymore).

 

I will not deny I met him in those desperate moments after my relationship ended where I didn't care about him at all, I was 100% selfish, wanted sex, and nothing more. I did not care about his happiness.

 

But things happened and now I do.

 

So yes, I do love him. And I know I will love many people in my life, whether they will be my friends, my future significant other(s), my spouse(s), my children, or my grandchildren, and I believe there is no shortage of love, and I believe I will encounter it and give it many many many times in this life.

 

BUT - I understand if you feel that love is special and only happens once in 300 years Princess Bride-Style. Long term relationships where there is alot of trust and understanding are quite amazing. But love is love, and you should not diminish it no matter the circumstances.

 

I know it's hard to look at your ex and their new fling and it's easy to resent their relationship, but I've learned to be happy whenever I see happiness. One of my mentors and people I look up to met her husband right after his divorce - it was messy, he had a child, they lived in different cities, and NOBODY said it would work. But there they are 11 years later, married, joyful for every moment. Who knows how long they will last but they have definitely cultivated a beautiful relationship out of a painful, disastrous moment for both of them.

 

I dont know if this new thing will last, but I do know, in this moment, I love him, and that's enough.

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I almost always move on quickly. Why not? Either you no longer love someone or they no longer love you, so why sit around crying? I know I only have so many days on this earth and I want to enjoy as many of them as possible. I lost both of my parents tragically and learned the hard way that life is short and precious. So, I can't see the point in wallowing in grief over some guy. When a relationship ends, sometimes I stay alone for awhile because I want to be free and have some well-earned "me time". Sometimes I get into another relationships quickly because I can. I really have never had a problem attracting men and, like I said, why waste my life being sad over something that is done and over with? Anyway, I met my current bf about 2 or 3 weeks after a breakup. Yeah, quickly. Rebound? No. We have been together 11 years now. Sometimes you just move on to something better.

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I actually think this might just a matter of personality and general temperament: some people get over things faster than others.

 

I think the same sort of person who stays single for a long time, might be the sort of person who is more of a homebody, more introspective and sensitive. Whereas people who move on more easily might be more extroverted, less sensitive and very social.

 

For instance I have a friend who was in a serious relationship (was dumped); she was devastated for about 2 weeks before she was ready to move and date others. She's a great girl, nice, sweet, but she just doesn't feel things as deeply as I do. She has a "what's the point in being sad" attitude. Whereas I have a tendency to think about things a lot and linger.

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from my experience, the basis of needing to be in a relationship is insecurity with one's self. when you're not comfortable with yourself, you need validation from others; this validation is hard to get while not involved with a romantic partner, which is why these people rush into intimate relationships.

 

the people who do this will never be able to experience true happiness or offer true love to anyone because they haven't completed the first step which is loving yourself. if you've never taken enough alone time to discover what you want from life and what you want from a partner, how will you know when you've found it, and how will you appreciate it if you think you have found it?

 

Wonderful post! This is what I've been looking for. And it also clarifies my theory that self-centrism is the first step in our personal growth.

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It's not about "wallowing in grief." But I think after coming off a serious relationship, where there was real love, I don't see how it's possible to heal and move on in such a sort amount of time. I agree that life is short, but feeling and emotions aren't an on/off switch and you're making it seem like it is.

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It's not about "wallowing in grief." But I think after coming off a serious relationship, where there was real love, I don't see how it's possible to heal and move on in such a sort amount of time. I agree that life is short, but feeling and emotions aren't an on/off switch and you're making it seem like it is.

 

I spent over a year mourning the loss of my first love. I got over this recent relationship rather quickly. I can guarantee you though that the recent one was alot more intense, loving, and genuine than what I had before.

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It's not about "wallowing in grief." But I think after coming off a serious relationship, where there was real love, I don't see how it's possible to heal and move on in such a sort amount of time. I agree that life is short, but feeling and emotions aren't an on/off switch and you're making it seem like it is.

 

people who move on(before they heal) under those circumstances are the ones who get hurt even more. they seek relief and comfort in somebody new,and think that's the solution for the pain.

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A lot of what I had to say, pennyloafer already said, and quite well!

 

Right now, I am in complete awe of the complexities surrounding love, attraction, and everything else of that nature. I made terrible mistakes, and I mourn the things I lost every day, but I have made some wonderful discoveries as well. Most importantly, I'm learning to get over the personal insecurities that some people here have pointed out. "Moving on" means different things to different people. Right now, I'm at the point where if someone interesting comes along, as long as I'm single, it doesn't matter how long it's been--I will wait a while before getting "serious", which, everyone has their own definition of--but I give anyone I'm interested in a chance at least, because that's a chance for me to learn something new... and if no one comes along, and I'm all by myself, that's fine too.

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It's not about "wallowing in grief." But I think after coming off a serious relationship, where there was real love, I don't see how it's possible to heal and move on in such a sort amount of time. I agree that life is short, but feeling and emotions aren't an on/off switch and you're making it seem like it is.

 

Very good thread!!! I have been asking myself the same questions and I'm very curious to hear other people's opinions about this topic! You know my story, my ex got engaged to the girl he left me for, within 4 months after breaking up with me and I don't understand at all, how that is possible! I know, people will say, that he distanced himself long ago, did his grieving and detaching, while still being in a relationship with me and without me noticing anything, but still. If you were together for 3,5 years and it was a happy and good relationship, is it really possible, to just "forget" about the past, forget about the dumpee and move on to someone new straight away, without any time in between and making decisions like getting married??! It makes me question, if my ex ever really loved me, I mean, if he did (and I actually thought so, since I had the impression and feeling, he was happy with me ad felt the same way for me as I felt for him), how is that possible??!

 

I absolutely agree with you pillowtalk, even though life is short and it's a "waste of time" being sad all the time and missig someone, whose free choice it was to walk away from us, I'm not able to switch of my love and feelings for my ex, even though, I wished, I could!!

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For instance I have a friend who was in a serious relationship (was dumped); she was devastated for about 2 weeks before she was ready to move and date others. She's a great girl, nice, sweet, but she just doesn't feel things as deeply as I do. She has a "what's the point in being sad" attitude. Whereas I have a tendency to think about things a lot and linger.

 

I actually had a conversation with my friend about this last night. When she gets dumped, she just throws her emotions away and says "i'm done" instead of analyzing, reflecting, being sad, etc... She said to me last night that a year and a half later from her breakup, she still feels sad and she thinks it is because she just jumped into another relationship and/or didn't reflect and just pushed those emotions somewhere else.

I, on the other hand, keep analyzing & talking about it and being open about it and she thinks I will be much better off in the long run because I am getting all my feelings out.. I, too have been single for 3.5 months since my breakup, but I see this time as growth for me and getting "comfortable with myself" again because if you can't appreciate and enjoy your own company, then you are definitely not going to be a good partner to anyone.

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people who move on(before they heal) under those circumstances are the ones who get hurt even more. they seek relief and comfort in somebody new,and think that's the solution for the pain.

 

I agree with you! I guess, like mentioned before, it's their method to avoid reflecting over the past relationship, moving on to someone new rather quickly without having healed, is their distraction against the loneliness, guilt, missing the ex... I suppose, this will work in the beginning, but after some time, may it be months or years down the line, the feelings for their ex come up again, since I don't think, feelings can be suppressed forever...one day, they -especially the dumpers- have to deal with their feelings, too...

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