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  1. #1
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    my boyfriend won't call me anymore because he's depressed

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 months now. It's a very complicated story but we truly love each other. My boyfriend works in Iraq so I only get to see him every 4 months. My problem is that my boyfriend has really been depressed for 1 month now so he doesn't call me anymore. In the beginning I thought the reason for him to stop calling me was because he lost interest in me and no longer loved but then he told me that he still truly loved me but he is really depressed and suffering which is why he doesn't call. He says that when he gets depressed he withdraws. I tried to get him to talk to me and give me more attention but that made him upset because he just can't be there for me right now because he has a very stressful job and is very depressed. It's not the first time for him to get depressed like this. Around the same time last year (before we were together) he got severely depressed and tried to kill himself by overdosing on oxycodone but his friend found him and took him to the hospital and saved him. He says that this time of a year which is the time of all the holidays makes him very depressed because he's far away and can't celebrate with his loved ones.

    The last time I talked to him was 2 weeks ago and he got upset at me for calling him because he wants to be left alone while he's depressed. He asked me not to call him again and to just wait for him to call me when he feels better. He just sends an email every couple of days asking me how I'm doing and telling me that he misses me. It really hurts me to know that he is suffering and it also hurts that he's not there for me when I need to talk to him. I've been going through a stressful time myself and the fact that he doesn't call me just makes things worse. I thought about breaking up with him because he's not calling me and no longer giving me attention but I couldn't do it because I love him from all my heart and he's a good and nice man.
    What should I do to help with his depression? and how can I help myself with the loneliness and emptiness I'm feeling because he no longer calls me? Is it normal for a man to withdraw from his girlfriend and not want to spend time with her or talk to her when he's very depressed?

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  3. #2
    Bronze Member boonpop's Avatar
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    Actually, yes, it is very normal indeed.
    If you put yourself in a mans shoes for a second, we tend to be just as sensitive if not more so than women at times. I mean both species are human of course, but growing up, women are taught to care and share alike, expressing feelings and emotions with one another and showing support by extending that line of emotional communication. Men however are taught not to cry, to be strong, to be tough, and to deal with things our own way...."MAN UP" so to say. As a result, the truth is we never really learn to deal with our emotions well. When we feel threatened, we react with anger or rage, and when we feel vulnerable we tend to isolate ourselves from whatever it is that comes off as a perceived weakness. In many cases, the people we love most become the things we distance ourselves from because they are what is causing us the most pain.
    I can guarantee when your boyfriend thinks about home, he thinks of where his heart is. What that means is that you and his family probably don't receive many phonecalls during his most trying and difficult times and as time goes on, his wall builds specifically to keep out any thoughts that he perceives as weakness.
    Unfortunately, no matter what you do, this is still going to be a real issue for him and will ultimately be something he has to overcome on his own. The best advice I could give you however is to write him every chance you get. Everyday, two three times a week at least. Give him something tangible to hold on to so he doesn't have time to build those walls around his heart or isolate himself from everything he loves. The more tangible evidence he has of your love, the harder it is for him to deny it's existence. What that will do is give him something to fight for, as opposed to allowing him to fall into a depression and deciding to give up on life, or what he loves. It's difficult, but not impossible.
    Nothing in life is haphazard. In the end, I can promise you that it's all relevant to our collective consciousness.

  4. #3
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    thanks a lot for your advice boonpop

  5. #4
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    If he gets depressed to the point of being suicidal and has attempted it in the past, i think you need to err on the side of caution here... If he is in the military, perhaps he should not be deployed to a war zone because of the mental stress. And if he is in civilian job there, he needs to return home and quit working in an environment that might worsen his depression.

    I would ask him if he is suicidal, and if you have any indication that he is, you need to do some form of intervention whether that is informing his commander or his family and trying to get him to come home and get treatment for it. Your BF/GF issues of him not calling you are way down the line in importance when it comes to saving his life. If it is a minor depression he will snap out of it eventually, but if he has been suicidal in the past, he might need medical intervention before it gets worse, and that is your first concern here, getting him the help to save his life.

  6. #5
    Platinum Member sara-pezzini's Avatar
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    my boyfriend goes through this every year in the autumn, he has a very troubled past and when the days get shorter he gets depressed, and i know it's nothing to do with me or his feelings for me, we are together for 5 years, and every time the depression passes he is back, more lovingly than ever, and this is because i accept him for who he is, in this period he already feels so guilty for not giving me what i need and he feels relatiotionships should be 50/50 and it hurts him that during that time he can't give anything.
    all of his energy goes only into work and making sure that nobody there notices because he needs a contract and is afraid of not getting it when they know, besides this he has no energy, no lust for life, no energy to do anything fun and he withdraws, he is no longer suicidal which at first he was, but with my love and support he now recognizes it as a disease and knows after a few weeks he will be better again, and he has sought professional help as well to deal with his past...
    so i'm hopeful for the future, and it is hard, very hard to see him withdraw and he is so hard to talk to when he is like that, short answers,no jokes, but by understanding him and reading a lot about depression and during those weeks focussing on myself, it gets better
    he doesn't do it to hurt me so i try not to feel hurt, i let him know i am there if he needs me, i send him sweet messages, cards and little cute presents, to help him through it and it seems to work for him, he is out of the depression again but i know next autumn it will happen again...
    and i am the first in his life not to leac=ve him over this and just stand by him no matter what so this has deepened our bond a lot and i know he appreciates how i deal with this very much..
    so try not to take it personal and try to be understanding, be his lifeline, let him see that you are there if he needs you but don't force him to talk or open up, my experience is they open up in their own time, took my boyfriend a long time because he has trust issues but he did open up and talk to me about what he is going through and now when he is depressed he does explain as best as he can how he feels and what is going through his mind..
    but it is very hard, i know!!
    I don't know how you do what you do
    I'm so in love with you
    It just keeps getting better
    I wanna spend the rest of my life
    With you by my side
    Forever and ever
    Every little thing that you do
    Baby I'm amazed by you

  7. #6
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    Lavenderdove: He is no longer suicidal infact he's doing all he can to live so that he can be with me. He even told the company he works for in Iraq that he just wants to do office work and he no longer wants to go to the dangerous places. When he was suicidal last year he was single and he felt like he had no one to live for. He regrets what he did and he always thanks God for the second chance he got. The major stress in his life is his job. It's a very stressful job and he feels very lonely there. He's planning on leaving Iraq for good by the end of 2011 when his contract ends.

    sara-pezzini: Thanks a lot for this post. It is indeed very hard to see him withdraw and ignore me because I love him very much. I guess the best thing I can do now is to give him the space he needs and let him know that I love him unconditionally.
    Last edited by jooj; 01-08-2011 at 02:11 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member sara-pezzini's Avatar
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    yes that is best!
    i know in my boyfriend's case it meant so much to him to see that i love him no matter what and i don't walk away when things get tough, i accept him and understand him or at least try to...he's never had this before in his life so it took some getting used to at first but now he is happier for it...at first he warned me that it was better to not get involved with him because once i truly would get to know him, i wouldn't want him anymore, but now he sees that i still want and love him and can give him the space he needs without letting it upset me too much and it has given him peace of mind and he has made some huge changes...
    it is very difficult to have to stand by when someone you love is going through something and all you want to do is make it better, but you can't
    and it's especially hard when it happens every year, but if you really love him you will figure it out and will learn to accept it and handle it better, and by showing him that you love and accept him as he is, you will help him more than by getting upset if he doesn't call, because that will cause him to feel guilty and feel even worse...
    if you want to, you can always pm me if you need someone to talk to...i know how you feel!
    I don't know how you do what you do
    I'm so in love with you
    It just keeps getting better
    I wanna spend the rest of my life
    With you by my side
    Forever and ever
    Every little thing that you do
    Baby I'm amazed by you

  9. #8

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    Unhappy I'm in the same boat :-/

    Hi. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now (our anniversary is next month). Although we had a great first few months, it turned sour around the holidays. At first I thought he was able to cope, but as the holidays came...he became distant. We went out less and spoke less on the phone. This was the first year he spent the holidays without his mom. His father died when he was 15 and his sisters live out of state, so he felt alone. You would think he wanted to spend the holidays with me since he has nobody, but instead he locked himself in his house during the holidays.

    Things got worst this January, when he found out he will need a major heart surgery (he's only in his early 30s). Because of this, he got sick physically and mentally and ultimately had to shut down his business.

    Just three weeks ago, his cousin and best friend died unexpectedly, not to mention this is the one year anniversary of his mom's death. He called me up, said he loved me and wish he could be with me...but he is depressed. At first he said he would call when he's ready, but now he said he never wants to hear or see me again.He said he doesn't want to see anyone including his friends, and I should just move on.

    I text him once a week and call, but I never hear back.

    I don't know what to do? Advice pleasee... and ladies, how are things with your boyfriends????

  10. #9

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    sara-pezzini,

    I am in the same exact situation with my boyfriend of almost 7 years...It was great when we were together in SoCal-- and this is where we met. Unfortunately, he had to move back to Louisiana because of a family issue, and this was more than 2 years ago that he left. I hate being in a long distance relationship with a man that I dearly love who is deep in depression. We've had our ups and downs like any other couple but the last two weeks have been the toughest. He has likewise withdrawn from society and has stopped calling me too, leaving me frustrated and feeling lonely. We used to talk once a day at least but now the calls are gone...I would send him an email, but he wouldn't get back to me after more than a week or so. I've called of course but he just wouldn't pick up the phone at all. I have thought and almost convinced myself that perhaps his feelings have changed and doesn't love me anymore. But when if he calls or emails me, he would re assure me that he still loves me so much and nothing has changed. He'd tell me that he is depressed and that something in his life should change, but knowing him, I doubt that he's doing anything about it. It pains me to know that he's depressed (again) and the truth that there is nothing I can do about it. I realize now that only he has the power to make a change and that I should just step back for now and let him be. I have minor depression myself but I am working on it by going to a therapist once a week. I can only hope for the best for now I guess...

    I wish all of you who are are going through the same ordeal the best.

    "this too shall pass..."

  11. 09-27-2012, 03:56 AM


  12. #10
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    depressed boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by lovemimi14 View Post
    Hi. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now (our anniversary is next month). Although we had a great first few months, it turned sour around the holidays. At first I thought he was able to cope, but as the holidays came...he became distant. We went out less and spoke less on the phone. This was the first year he spent the holidays without his mom. His father died when he was 15 and his sisters live out of state, so he felt alone. You would think he wanted to spend the holidays with me since he has nobody, but instead he locked himself in his house during the holidays.

    Things got worst this January, when he found out he will need a major heart surgery (he's only in his early 30s). Because of this, he got sick physically and mentally and ultimately had to shut down his business.

    Just three weeks ago, his cousin and best friend died unexpectedly, not to mention this is the one year anniversary of his mom's death. He called me up, said he loved me and wish he could be with me...but he is depressed. At first he said he would call when he's ready, but now he said he never wants to hear or see me again.He said he doesn't want to see anyone including his friends, and I should just move on.

    I text him once a week and call, but I never hear back.

    I don't know what to do? Advice pleasee... and ladies, how are things with your boyfriends????
    My boyfriend of 2/3 years has completely shut down on me. This is the third summer this has happened accept this time it seems worse. The first year, 2010 we had only been together a few months and when June arrived he became depressed and withdrew. He explained to me by e mail how he gets like this and after a couple of months he was ok again. We starting seeing each other again in September and apart from the odd few days here and there, and Christmas where he shut himself away, we were ok. Then May 2011 he starting to withdraw again and I didn't see him for weeks and weeks. He still contacted me here and there by e mail but that was it. In the August we passed each other in our cars, he text me to say hello and that he had pulled the car over to talk but I had disappeared. We starting texting each other daily, he was his old self, we had lots of banter like we used to. So we agreed to meet up in October. He asked me to stay at his place for the weekend. We met up and it was wonderful. He told me how much he loved me and missed me and how he now realised just how much I meant to him. He mentioned that I was always there for him. In fact we talked for the first time in depth about his issues. He apologised and said that all that was behind him now and that he was going no where. So we have had a lovely year, lots of loving and caring. He tells me how much I mean to him and I believe him. He was working hard in his career to build a future for us. And it was us, not just him he said, for us. We planned holidays, where we might like to live, everything, we just wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Grow old together he said. We are no spring chickens; we are both in our early 50's.

    So July came this year and I felt him becoming a bit odd again, going off for a couple of days here and there but when he did get in touch he apologised if it seemed like he was pushing me away, it was just his work. He was very aware of when he was leaving me out. He booked us a short holiday beginning of August with my 2 teenage kids. The week before we went I never heard from him at all and I thought, here we go, I'll be going alone. He rang me the day before we were due to go and he was ok. He told me that he had been depressed that week and that he had managed to snap himself out of it. Well the holiday was a disaster. From day one he kept losing his temper with my kids, not something he has ever done before. He kept threatening to go home. Itís like he was panicking to get away using any little thing as an excuse. I and he never argued once but he really had it in for my kids. Eventually he lost his temper with them and was really nasty to them, shouting and swearing over not very much at all. We decided to go home a day early. He couldn't get packed quick enough. Me and him were still fine, we didn't fall out once over it. The journey home was ok, we were fine together. When we arrived home, we unpacked the car and he just grabbed his bags, said he couldn't be in the same house with my kids a minute longer and went home. He said he would ring me the next day but he never. That was 8 weeks ago. I rang him, text him and went to his house but he never replied to anything. He wouldn't open the door. He shut out his best friend too but as he has to work with him sometimes, he had to contact him once or twice. I send him an e mail or FB message once every few days or so to tell him that I understand and that I love him and I'm here for him when he's ready. I lost my mum 2 weeks ago, he has always supported me through it but he only managed to send me a text to say he was sorry and that he wasn't in a good place right now. He left flowers and a card at the crematorium.

    This time seems worse to me. He does usually make some contact but when he does, the problem never gets mentioned he will almost change the subject. I really don't know how to cope with this at the moment. I want to, I am a strong person and he knows that. But I get mixed feelings. Does he really love me; did he just think he did? Does he want me to be here for him or would he rather i just go because he believes he is no good for me. He has had a very troubled past involving being hurt by and ex who took his child away from him and has made the last 15 years impossible for him to have contact. This seems to be the root of the depression. He told me that he has been hurt 3 or 4 times in the past, most likely because the women couldn't take this behaviour. He is struggling with earning a living at the moment because of health issues but he really works hard to build his career. I want to be here for him. I love him very much and when things are ok its wonderful.

    Do you think he believes I am going to stick by him? I will, for as long as it takes but how can I prove that to him if he won't talk to me or see me? Is he trying to forget me? He has not once said that he wants to end anything so I am trying to take that as a positive. Itís almost like he has just forgotten everything, we had so much fun together and I know he was really happy with me. Maybe he thought that being with me had put an end to his depression and when he realized it hadnít he withdrew into it again?

    Any thoughts or advice would be very much appreciated.

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