Agony of battling No Contact? - Consider Just Doing Nothing.

Do you feel the agony of battling No Contact?

Consider Just Doing Nothing. Why?

It's about finding you again. Finding that happy, wonderful, sexy, and desirable person you were before all the disappointments, resentment and heartache come into your life.

At some point most people will do just about whatever they think will take the pain away, even for a short while. Sometimes that's going to be a phone call, an email, a card, looking at their website, dating profile, asking friends and family about the ex, driving by the ex's house, or any number of increasingly desperate actions. It may feel good for that brief moment you talked to, saw, heard from, or talked about them. And it makes you feel somehow CONNECTED to them again. However, the only real connection comes FROM the other person to you, not TO the other person from you. Look, if they don't feel connected to you, you're not connected. After that false sense of euphoria you get from contacting your Ex, you are left with a huge letdown. Most often worse than even before your feeble contact attempt.

There are a few good reasons why it's just better to do nothing for at least a month or so right after a breakup. Perhaps common sense. Perhaps even surprising.

If you don't do anything, you can't screw anything up! If you don't call/email/meet and alternate between crying, reasoning, screaming, bargaining, pleading, asking to get back together, promising “it will be different this time”, etc., you can't come off like a psycho. Everyone goes through some extreme mood swings right after a break up. We all feel sad, depressed, melancholy, happy, angry, euphoric, raging, reminiscent... do NOT unleash your feeling on your Ex. It's enough to make you crazy AND it's enough to make them believe you just might be. If you do anything remotely resembling this, you're proving them right for breaking up or staying away from you. So it's better not to do anything.

When you just do nothing you give them space. If at any time a person has asked for "space" GIVE IT TO THEM. I cannot stress this enough. Give them every single bit f space that they ask for no matter how long. Get it in your head that whatever you were doing before, was NOT working. Otherwise you wouldn't be where you are now. So if you make that "one last call to end things on a good note," send that one last email to tell them off, reason with them or, explain YOUR feelings, it only will push them away further, and make them want to stay away. It is human nature, and basic animal instinct to run away from that which is chasing us. If they felt they needed to get away from you before the breakup, trying to contact them will only make them feel more smothered. When you give them space and you're not chasing them. You validate their request. You give them room to breathe. Then all of a sudden they don't feel smothered anymore and they have time to feel the void of you NOT being in their "space." Weird? Yes. But true. When enough time has been given, they might even miss you and f orget the bad stuff. But again, this can only happen over time. It's natural human behavior to eventually forget the bad things and remember only the good. But that is impossible if you're contacting and concentrating on them? Every time you do that, you send yourself back to square one, both in your mind and THEIRS. So do nothing, and they have time to miss you, or at the very least, they will think more fondly of you. But they can't do either if you don't go away! Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. It's been true for thousands of years, why should you be any different? Do you think they'll forget you? NO! Besides, you want them to forget about all the bad stuff that happened.

When you just do nothing, you can concentrate all your energy on your own feelings for now. THIS is the best reason. Giving them space gives YOU space. Space to clear your thoughts about the situation. Space to think about what YOU really want. Space to get rational again instead of floundering around in your self-imposed emotional abyss.

Think of it this way, when you're in quicksand, you sink deeper the more you flail around. You start to feel the panic rise and you move around even more, start kicking and grabbing and pulling to try to get yourself out, but each thing you DO makes you sink further and further, making you even more panicked, you get more impatient, and pretty soon, you are a goner. Easiest and quickest way to get out of quicksand? Do Nothing, remain calm, and let someone come look for you to GET you out. When you just do nothing, emotions settle down and rational thought (which leads to positive thoughts) sets in.

Doing nothing about the other person leaves you time and energy to do something about YOU. You can clear your mind, clear your schedule and clear out your closets! Now you have time to control yourself. Improve yourself. Believe yourself. Love yourself.

This is much of what I have learned from others and on my own after my many years and relationships…and previous failures. Hope it helps.

Nice post...yes contacting them may give you a moment of "empty emotional satisfaction" but who wants that!

There are a few good reasons why it's just better to do nothing for at least a month or so right after a breakup.

Thank you for the post. So, after five or six weeks of full no contact after a break-up, I'm in a good place (really was from the start) but I miss her more as time has passed. She said she had feelings for me but it seemed that anxiety was getting the better of her the last two weeks we were together. She didn't say it but I can tell now that she needed space to sort out her feelings. When we broke-up I left her with the impression that I didn't want to communicate anymore. I've gone no contact ever since. I know her well enough to know that even if she regretted her decision that she may never initiate contact. She's not good at taking risks. Is it wrong for me to just contact her once to open the door? I can live with the result either way. I've given plenty of space but I don't want to miss out on a chance to reconnect if it's there.

I know her well enough to know that even if she regretted her decision that she may never initiate contact. She's not good at taking risks. Is it wrong for me to just contact her once to open the door? I can live with the result either way. I've given plenty of space but I don't want to miss out on a chance to reconnect if it's there.

Good question. It comes up a lot partly because we justify why they have not contacted us.

You said "impression". Look...If someone really wants to contact you or reconnect, they WILL find a way no matter what. In my past experience, you are better off to continue to do nothing for a little longer. Some people need longer to fill the empty space of you not being around. Besides, I strongly believe that all change takes a good bit of time to come about. Also, every break up is a result from a unique situation. No two relationships and break ups are the same.

You are the one that controls you. You can't control her.

I understand what you're saying. It's just difficult to determine how long "continue to do nothing for a little longer" should be. I went from being ok with the break up to a sense of loss at the five to six week mark. Very different from what I've experienced as a dumpee in the past. The break didn't feel right when it happened though (she admitted to be torn up about it) and it feels even weirder now. I thought that I'd hear from her at least once since the break up but nothing. She may be wondering the same thing about me though.

Thanks for the post.

Good question. It comes up a lot partly because we justify why they have not contacted us.

 

You said "impression". Look...If someone really wants to contact you or reconnect, they WILL find a way no matter what. In my past experience, you are better off to continue to do nothing for a little longer. Some people need longer to fill the empty space of you not being around. Besides, I strongly believe that all change takes a good bit of time to come about. Also, every break up is a result from a unique situation. No two relationships and break ups are the same.

 

You are the one that controls you. You can't control her.

I agree that they will contact you no matter what, but what if they contact you, perhaps trying to talk (maybe with intentions of reconciliation in mind)... but they don't make their intentions clear, so you protect yourself by either ignoring or acting cold...

if they want to reconcile, will they always make that clear? or will they play games first? and will they quit after trying a ploy to get you to talk to them?

today I feel like my ex wanted to reconcile (she was making up excuses to talk to me a month ago and hasn't tried since), because she was contacting me after I made it clear that I didn't want to be friends. but I was afraid of being friend-zoned so I either ignored or acted cold toward her.

should i have took a risk and saw where it went? it was too risky at the time, but looking back, maybe it would have been worth it

Protect you and your heart first if/when they do ever contact you. We all break up for various reasons. Contact? Really depends on the nature of the break up.

It is always best to validate a person's feelings. Right or wrong, it is ok for them and you to feel the way you do. SO Don't blame your ex for feeling the way they do. Don't discount their feelings...

BUT Also, we cant be the ones to fix them. Look, Many times we all need to pull back and fix ourselves. And THAT always takes T I M E. Never happens overnight. Give people more space.

(If you do ever communicate, you must be able to relate something going on in your life to their feelings. Your words must zero in on their feelings. By this you demonstrate the understanding that goes with love.) DONT make unreasonable demands. Don’t defend yourself until they feel that you understand and care. Actions always speak louder than words.

I too am trying with NC and am doing ok with it at the moment about 1.5 months post break up but I feel like the end was one big mess, he ran away on two weeks of feelings for someone else still hasn't really talked about it all. I wrote a big long email no creeping or anything just how I felt with his actions and the confusion but the decision to send or not is hard, he had sent me a mail but it was all really self involved rather than anything about why he left so suddenly and gave up. I know people say hes not worth it if he left so easy but what if you wonder if it was a big mess up that got out of control and ran away.

Its so hard to know what to do, I feel NC is just making him think Im angry which I am but I feel because I am acting like this he maybe unsure to get in contact that's if he did want to. He said in a previous mail after I had sent him one about his things that he was unsure if to mail me or not as he wasnt sure if it was the right thing. If they can run away so easily then maybe they can run away from mailing too.

I feel lost.

MARYJANE

I am sorry that you feel lost. I know That must really hurt. I too have had someone leave me for another. so I can relate. Some people never let go of one vine till there is another one to grab. VERY common. You are not alone. I have been on BOTH sides.

until THAT person is totally out of their life, there is nothing more you can do EXECEPT stay away from them and let them wonder what you might be up to. It's hard, but you have to let go with love and allow them to do what is best for them.

Most likely, he did you a favor. For now, take a look at all your gifts that God gave you. When you love yourself again, others then will see and feel it. That is when the magic happens. If you were good enough to be loved before, you are great enough to be loved again. I'd rather look forward to the spark and joy of a new fresh relationship then try to FIX or go through the misery needed change one that did not work.

I love myself so much more than every before. Hard to believe that many years ago I lost 20 pounds and lost a job over an ex dumping me. In the end, it made me stronger. I can reflect and understand so much more about myself. But most we learn comes from mistakes...NOT from our success. Ask any successful person about the pain they went through to get where they are. What you are going through now will help you in the future if you allow it to and learn from it.

When you love yourself again, others then will see and feel it. That is when the magic happens. If you were good enough to be loved before, you are great enough to be loved again.

I think this really needs to be reiterated because it's VERY TRUE.

I really enjoyed this post. I am actually the dumper, but our relationship had many issues and I was always the clingy one because he never gave me any attention. IT helped me to realise why I should not contact him and i think its a good reference to look at whenever I'm feeling down. Thank you! I just wish I didn't know his number anymore lol. self control

Perfect post, stickman.

adding this to my journal when I get my laptop back.

yes this is a very good post, perfect for anyone thinking of breaking NC

thank u very much for posting

Perfect post, stickman.

 

adding this to my journal when I get my laptop back.

GREAT IDEA!!!!

I think everyone going through pain should create a computer journal of some kind. Why? Because there are so many thoughts that fly in and out of your head. A journal really Helps to organize your thoughts more and figure things out better. Over time, you can see how your thoughts and actions change and progress. You can add helpful hints, thoughts and posts from others as well. Most of these thoughts of mine come from my old journal. I add to it and rearrange it.

I know I got a lot of feed Back on this post.

Perhaps it can help some of you during this difficult time of year.

Thank you stickman. It does help very much.

Maybe because it's Christmas or maybe because I've come home from university (where I have the most memories of my ex and I together) but I've been struggling with no contact recently.

I don't know why, it's been over 2 months and I've not really had problems not contacting before. I think maybe it's also to do with the fact that a lot of people/books/articles/etc say after a month or 60 days it'll all be okay and you don't have to do no contact anymore. I wish nobody put a timelimit on this because now I feel a little bit flounder-y *sigh*

Maybe because it's Christmas or maybe because I've come home from university (where I have the most memories of my ex and I together) but I've been struggling with no contact recently.

 

I don't know why, it's been over 2 months and I've not really had problems not contacting before. I think maybe it's also to do with the fact that a lot of people/books/articles/etc say after a month or 60 days it'll all be okay and you don't have to do no contact anymore. I wish nobody put a timelimit on this because now I feel a little bit flounder-y *sigh*

Same thing here... a month of NC, 7 weeks of BU

These books/articles added pressure on me, especially because they say that a month or two is a good time to broke NC and attempt for a reconciliation. That was my plan, too. But I don't feel like doing it. I want to contact him but I won't. I don't have hopes for a reconciliation, but I'd like to have some answers and a second rejection in order to move on. But I don't feel ready to do it, I don't feel ready to see him or listen to his voice. But this 2-month limit makes me anxious...

2 months is not enough for a change of heart I think.

Any change of heart can only come from their own "Free WIll". Thus, most likely anything YOU say or do wont do anything to change the siutaion. Their situation or feelings have to change on their own. And that DOES take time. Why wait for something that might never happen? Continued thoughts of reconciliation are just a waste of time. If you contact them now, it just makes you feel bad again. Makes you feel stupid.

Better to focus on the future. There is a someone else more special out there. In time, you will be gald that you didnt contact them.

Hang in there!! Good luck.

Any change of heart can only come from their own "Free WIll". Thus, most likely anything YOU say or do wont do anything to change the siutaion. Their situation or feelings have to change on their own. And that DOES take time. Why wait for something that might never happen? Continued thoughts of reconciliation are just a waste of time. If you contact them now, it just makes you feel bad again. Makes you feel stupid.

Better to focus on the future. There is a someone else more special out there. In time, you will be gald that you didnt contact them.

Hang in there!! Good luck.

Thank you (again!) stickman. I haven't had thoughts of reconciliation as such, I just don't want to be forgotten and I want to feel like I was important at some point. He wasn't right for me, I know that. I need to develop the ability to make myself feel good about me. I realise that if I contact him now it will be for the wrong reasons, I just want him to make me feel better, which is silly.

I'm hanging in there!

This thread is awesome and ties in really well with SuperDave's one about "if you do nothing, nothing can go wrong", that attitude has served me well in getting over my ex and enjoying life again. The thought of her reaching out to me and trying to contact me again doesn't interest me in the slightest anymore

These books/articles added pressure on me, especially because they say that a month or two is a good time to broke NC and attempt for a reconciliation. That was my plan, too. But I don't feel like doing it. I want to contact him but I won't. I don't have hopes for a reconciliation, but I'd like to have some answers and a second rejection in order to move on. But I don't feel ready to do it, I don't feel ready to see him or listen to his voice. But this 2-month limit makes me anxious...

So true... after two months of NC i contacted my ex because thoughts of a possible reconciliation had been creeping up on me for weeks. I had deluded myself into thinking that she must be sitting at home in agony, too proud to call but waiting for me to reach out to her.

When i called it wasn't as i expected. My ex told me she didn't have any positive feelings for me, that she was enjoying her new life and that she was better off on her own without me. Didn't even want to be friends anymore. It hurt like hell - for a day. But that final call gave me the necessary closure to let go and move on after her conflicted behavior pre-NC, so in hindsight i'm glad i called, even if it was just to set my head straight.

Thank you (again!) stickman. I haven't had thoughts of reconciliation as such, I just don't want to be forgotten and I want to feel like I was important at some point. He wasn't right for me, I know that. I need to develop the ability to make myself feel good about me. I realise that if I contact him now it will be for the wrong reasons, I just want him to make me feel better, which is silly.

 

I'm hanging in there!

 

 

Great!!!

 

You have to know that at some point your EX does think about you. Especially depending on the length of time and quality of time. But that is not to say that they ever would want to be with YOU again. I miss things and think about good times with many of the loves of my life. But would never think twice about wanting to be with them in a RELATIONSHIP.

 

Again, it might be best to reside yourself to the fact that it IS OVER. Focus on what YOU need and want. And find another person. That new love will feel a whole heck of a lot better than the way you feel now!!!!

 

There is a bright future waiting for you when you want it. You just have to decide that you want it.

 

Hang in there!! Life is a gift.

Just wanted to share a story about No Contact. I was seeing somebody for a while but the relationship had to end. We both have families and she got caught. (I know this is bad but sometimes these things happen).

After it ended, I decided to stop contact but I was getting BBM messages from her every day. After I deleted her from BBM (to send a subliminal message) I started getting texts and she wanted to talk. I ignored the chance to speak to her but then felt bad because I think ignoring someone is lame, especially if you have slept with them.

I spoke to her and explained that we had never wanted to be friends (we only met in January and saw each other 8 times) so being friends wouldn't work. We said goodbye, it was nice knowing you etc. and that's it. End of story. After 4 weeks I don't miss her that much.

So what have I learned?

Use No Contact immediately to make a clean break - it's all about being assertive and doing it for your own good. Don't use it as some sort of Mind Game to get her to miss you. That's not the point. If she comes back, all well and good, and I hope things work out but you need to get on with your life. That is your number on priority - get your strenght, self-control, discipline and self-confidence back.

If you keep getting contacted but it is over, get clear in your head if you really want to be friends or if you want to keep in contact in hope of a reconciliation. If you don't really want to be friends, do yourself and the other person a favour and tell them straight so you can both make a clean break and move on.

The main thing I have learned is that affairs are really bad man. Don't do it!

I hope this helps. All comments welcome, of course.