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How do you deal with nasty comments from toxic family members?


dramallama

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My sister's father-in-law and her husband pick on me by making nasty comments. The father-in-law tries to go in for a kiss on the cheek but I only do that with close family members and I do not consider him my family because I do not get along with him, so why would I let him give me a kiss on the cheek when he is disrespectful? Next time I think I'll say "A handshake is fine". My approach from now on will be to walk away when they make those comments, and try to limit any contact with them. I will be cordial, but my way of protecting myself is to shut people off.

 

How do you deal with toxic family members' comments? Does anyone else feel uncomfortable with letting certain people into their space (a kiss on the cheek)? How do you reject that?

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I was introducing a friend on Christmas Day and he said that he was surprised that I had any friends. That was the first thing he said to me. It wasn't a joke at all, he just says things without considering others' feelings. I told my older sister what he said and she was appalled. He has been spoken to before about making sexual comments to us (my sister's family). He just doesn't get it.

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I personally find people I am not close to touching me or giving me a peck on the cheek kind of creepy. If he wants to be rude, there is certainly no reason to let him kiss your cheek. Just back away and say no thanks.

 

I would also tell the husband and father in law you do not appreciate the comments.

 

Why do they have nasty comments about you?

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You can say hi without getting close enough for a kiss. Keep your personal space open by stepping back or walking away. I kiss almost everyone (family/friends/friends of family) on the cheek like that so it doesn't personally bother me and I don't feel like they're invading my space. If I did, I'd be okay with stepping back or walking the other way after saying hello. If someone were particularly hurtful to me on a regular basis, I wouldn't feel the need to greet to them at all or attend events where they would be.

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You can say hi without getting close enough for a kiss. Keep your personal space open by stepping back or walking away. I kiss almost everyone (family/friends/friends of family) on the cheek like that so it doesn't personally bother me and I don't feel like they're invading my space. If I did, I'd be okay with stepping back or walking the other way after saying hello. If someone were particularly hurtful to me on a regular basis, I wouldn't feel the need to greet to them at all or attend events where they would be.

 

That too, I would not go to the event. I know you probably want to be there to see your sister, but I would arrange other times to see your sister.

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Hi

 

I have toxic family members as well. The comments I read above sound very similar to comments aimed at me. I'm not sure why family members would act in such a way but I can say that I do feel for you, and I really hope that you try to not let it affect you long term. If anything try to use those nasty comments as fuel to propel you forward in life. Hope you feel better. All the best

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I told him on Christmas Day that I didn't like that comment, but he just laughed in my face.

 

I wish that my sister would tell him that unless he can be civil and polite to her family members (or anyone at our gatherings) that they will not be invited anymore, but she doesn't want to be "stuck in the middle". But if someone CHOOSES to continue nasty behaviour such as that, then he is making the choice that being nasty to his daughter in law's family is more important than seeing his grandkids and coming over. But of course, that would be too harsh, wouldn't it? Bleurgh. That will not happen with me. They wouldn't be invited over again until they apologised to my family, and promised it wouldn't happen again.

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I already talked with my sister, and she really did sympathise with me. She didn't say that she would have a talk with him, but it could have been churning in her mind. She's pretty strongly agreed with me that "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all" and if she overhears him or her husband making nasty comments, she'll speak up. But I am hopeful that she'll give an ultimatum to her father in law, but most likely she won't. What else should I do?

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Well, he doesn't have to choose between seeing his grandkids and being nasty because nobody is presenting him with those options. For now he gets to do both and if nobody confronts him, he gets to enjoy his power/the reactions he gets. I'd take myself out of the equation either by physically not being there (tell sister "I'm just not comfortable with the way your father in law speaks to me") or by telling him directly "I think you're out of line and would appreciate it if you'd keep your comments to yourself".

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Your sister may be family but that does not mean you HAVE to attend anything. Maybe if she does not have you at a few events she might speak up to them. If she won't speak up for you and they will not listen to you I am not sure what else you can do other than make time to see your sister when they are not around. I would not settle for being picked on and talked about by the Marx brothers who think they are a hoot when really they are boorish.

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I agree with Victoria...don't show up the events. Tell your sister this... you're sick of being disrespected and just don't show up. You never "have to" show up to anything if you don't have to. Trust me, once she sees that you're not there at some important events, she will be more pressed to talk to this jerk and get him to tone it down.

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I have an uncle that always doubt my behavior like I'm a little child and he says it even he got disagreement from others when he say it to me. I just respect him because of age but I don't agree with him. Usually, I reply with smile and ask something irreverent like "How is the family?".

If he\she is like my peer with the same age I can have something wet to reply with and usually it got them shut 4 the whole evening. If cannot, same senseless smile and I turn my head to ask someone else in the room about something else.

Finally, if u can't stand the kiss on the check (which I find a no big deal) try to tell him u have sensitive skin or u have some cold and u don't want him to catch it, 2 or 3 times this way with a smile and he'll get the message.

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I dealt with tons of that till recently.

 

For me, what helped is, once I was slightly tipsy and very to the point. They asked, "I can't believe you found yourself a boyfriend?" and I replied "why, because I'm ugly or because my family is crazy?" and when they asked loaded questions about my school, I answered in similarly loaded ways. Now they're all scared of me and that's fantastic.

 

As for the kiss thing just offer your hand and smile, they probably won't lean over for that.

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  • 2 months later...
Haha, a kiss on the cheek from someone you don't like IS wrong, and disturbing.

 

My parents, (mostly my mom and grandma) touch my butt, and squeeze it.

 

My dad will scare me when i get out of the shower with just a towel on.

 

I tell them to back off!!!

 

Disturbing.

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Just an update. My sister was horrified when I told her what her father in law said to me on Christmas Day. I didn't expect her to say anything or do anything about it, but she's also been having trouble with her father AND mother in law smoking pot on THEIR property (my sister lives on acreage wih her family), even though she's asked them twice before not to do it, because my family is very anti pot, plus she has children living there. So she spoke to them about smoking pot on the property, but they weren't too receptive - the mother in law basically had a hissy fit and got all anxious and turned herself out to be the victim "what about meeee?", just because they can't smoke pot for ONE DAY.

 

So it's not just them being disrespectful to me, but they are very selfish people who only think about themselves and talk about themselves or make fun of my sister's family (us). I don't enjoy being around them at all.

 

So I'm hoping that before Easter, my sister will talk to her father in law again and tell him that him being disrespectful is unacceptable, and that they either are respectful, or they can't come to their house at all, especially when we are there. If my sister doesn't "find the time" or has an excuse for not talking to them before Easter, I am not going to go if they are there, and I know my other sister will side with me. I'm not going to spend time with people that don't respect me, and who only make it about themselves and complain.

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I hope they'll either back off if not it's probably best that they do stay away for good. We had to deal with a similar situation with my MIL. It was beyond toxic in every level; from physical, emotional, and psychological. Family or not people don't have the right to harass and put others in such situation.

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