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Has anyone ever dated anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?


orillia

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I am starting to wonder if my exbf has BPD. When he's with me, he never seems to be happy. Then when I leave, after a while, he decides he wants me back. Many things have come between us...his ex, alcohol, drugs...he seems like he does not want to be controlled, but most mature individuals admit, you have to sacrifice some of your freedom to be a good partner. He doesn't seem to be willing to do that.

 

He keeps claiming he doesn't know what he wants. Well why keep jerking me around then? FOr 4 yrs, we've been off and on, off and on. This has to be the last time.

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I can't say if he has it or not but he could just be really, REALLY immature and not the person for you.

 

Seeking out diagnoses, even if you're right, will not help you come to closure with him. If it's been on and off for 4 years, I'm going to say it's just not working. You keep coming back to each other because there is no one else and you haven't stopped that emotional attachment.

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Yeah, I realize all of that. You're right. But I stumbled accross a wikipedia entry and it describes him to a tee.

 

I'm not asking any of you if he's BPD. I'd like to hear other people's experiences who dated diagnosed BPDs.

 

I'm wondering if there was ever any hope for us whatsoever--if there was ever any way I could've trusted anything he said. It would be nice to have an explanation for some of his outbursts and strange behavior. It would also be nice to know if anyone else had a similar experience.

 

I can't say if he has it or not but he could just be really, REALLY immature and not the person for you.

 

Seeking out diagnoses, even if you're right, will not help you come to closure with him. If it's been on and off for 4 years, I'm going to say it's just not working. You keep coming back to each other because there is no one else and you haven't stopped that emotional attachment.

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I've had friends who were BPDs. I could not, and I mean it, simply could NOT imagine dating one. I almost did, but when I found out that he was BPD (his friend told me he had been diagnosed AND he showed signs), I ran for the hills and never looked back. And no, you really can't trust anything that they say. What's lie and what's the truth? Sometimes, I don't even think they know. When you have someone with a disorder that involves lots of lying, manipulation, and self-centered thinking...is there ever any real closure? At some point, you just have to accept that they were screwed up, now you know the signs, and move on. I'm really sorry that you spent 4 years on/off with this guy because it sounds like it was pretty miserable.

 

For me to date someone with this disorder, they would have to go through INTENSIVE therapy and be entirely self aware. and even then, I doubt I would do it. From my past experience, it's a nightmare.

 

My advice: Run far and fast always. I don't think you'll ever get an answer for sure but it's safe to say that many lies were said and it's impossible to sort them all out.

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I have(treated, technically I no longer meet the criteria) BPD, and I've had a relationship with someone with it. I've also met many afflicted with it throughout the years being in skills and support groups.

 

I have to say - If someone is diagnosed with it and is not actively, diligently working on themselves - Leaving is your best bet. I've heard of BPD "calming" with age, but I don't know how true that is. It is a behavioral/thought disorder, and such things are not undone overnight. If they don't want to own up to their own issues, let alone work on them, then nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is going to change.

 

If they were to take responsibility for their own actions and face the pain of confronting their problems, rest assured, if you are in a relationship with them, it is NOT a singular effort. It is very much a joint effort, so to speak. You learn ways to set and enforce your own boundaries and both of you must work intensely on effective and proper communication.

 

P.S. I have to put my disclaimer in, I would feel naked if I didn't - You should be your number one priority. Not your ex and his issues.

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Yeah I get that, and I'm going to be working on my issues, but there's a mitigating factor here.

 

What I read about BPD suggests they are self-destructive and potentially suicidal when a crisis hits, and my ex happens to have a gun.

 

I am not sure I could do anything about tha information. He bought the gun for protection. But he's made comments about killing himself when he's gotten angry before.

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Many things have come between us...his ex, alcohol, drugs...

 

He keeps claiming he doesn't know what he wants. Well why keep jerking me around then? FOr 4 yrs, we've been off and on, off and on. This has to be the last time.

I haven't ever dated anyone with BPD, but just the above (in bold), would be enough reason for me to leave permanently. I couldn't handle living in such a dysfunctional relationship. It would mess with my head too much. I would prefer to be alone, than live with unhappiness, alcohol, drugs, ex's and on again off again drama.

 

I say leave.

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If you commit yourself to choosing a healthy partner so that you can have a healthy relationship, then it doesn't matter what/if this guy "has" something...he's just not suitable for the long haul for you. I spend waaay too much time trying to figure out if past relationships could have/would have/might have worked under different circumstances and it was SUCH a tremendous waste of my time because 1) the realtionship was already over and 2) those "different circumstances" didn't exist. The reality is that we weren't compatible and whether it was because he was crazy or I was crazy or whatever....didn't matter.

Don't waste your time trying to figure him out at this point. Work on moving forward by thinking about what you have to offer a partner and what you want in a partner and how you can find that. That's my advice.

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Yeah I get that, and I'm going to be working on my issues, but there's a mitigating factor here.

 

What I read about BPD suggests they are self-destructive and potentially suicidal when a crisis hits, and my ex happens to have a gun.

 

I am not sure I could do anything about tha information. He bought the gun for protection. But he's made comments about killing himself when he's gotten angry before.

 

So what are you going to do about it, honestly?

 

I've been through that. The last time my ex-ex and I spoke, some of the last things he talked about was how suicidal he gets before he never talked to me again. I was in agonizing worry for a couple months before I realized it's out of my hands. I can't do anything about it.

 

If he calls you and says he feels suicidal, then alert emergency services or family, and leave it be. There's nothing you can do there. It's not your responsibility.

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My father has BPD and he is severely bi polar all diagnosed several times since he was 21. Seeing the hell my mother, myself and my brother went through I would run like heck. I would like to think of myself as kind and I really do feel bad for the mentally ill cause they are often ostrasized and marginalized and lonely like my father is now, but I find it hard to stomach the absolute misery he brought to many many lives.

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Ah, Victoria, my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry.

 

I have had mental illness in my family, too. My mother, I'm convinced, was clinically depressed. She would lock herself in her room and I could hear her crying. She was also a bit obsessive-compulsive.

 

My sister has weird delusions. She will draw strange conclusions based on the flimsiest of evidence. I had to drop her from my life because she helped destroy my marriage. She completely alienated one of her daughters by getting a crazy delusion that my niece and her boyfriend were sexually abusing their daughter.

 

My ex prior to this most recent one, I think had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (undiagnosed, but everyting I've read about it, fits what I experienced with him. I had certain clues like...one time we were having dinner with my friends, and one of them had a migraine headache and wasn't the most fun to be with. My ex was convinced it was all about him--that she was being distant cuz she didn't approve of him, etc etc.)

 

my most recent ex was actually diagnosed as schizo-affective and ADD as a teenager. I definitely saw why he was diagnosed ADD, but I did not think he seemed schizo-affective. A lot of times kids who are hard to handle, end up with mental diagnoses and get drugged, and I figured that's what happened to him.

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Well my son has a ADHD diagnosis and I do not consider that the same as mental illness. My son is a very pleasant child and he brings a lot of joy to a lot of people.

 

My father however was severely abusive, physically,mentally and emotionally to my mother and mentally,emotionally and some what physically to both my brother and I. My father has severely damaged the lives of many people and was and is never nice to anyone unless he is out to get something he wants and then he can be most charming. I do have a great pity for those mentally ill but I am afraid I could not put up with a relationship with one who was as mentally ill as my father. It is simply not worth the horrible pain.

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I never said ADD was a mental illness. I said my ex was diagnosed ADD. I don't believe it's a mental illness, either. I think ADD is just a different way of looking at the world, and the only reason it's not "normal", is because people who think in a linear fashion have been allowed to define what's "normal."

 

And I agree with you about how sad it is that the mentally ill deserve to be cared for, but when it comes to abuse, you simply can't subject yourself to that.

 

I seriously feel very bad for my sister, because she is miserable and alone. But she has turned too many other family memeber's lives upside down with her pschosis, including my own. You seriously have to look out for your own welfare first, no matter how sad it is to leave someone behind.

 

Well my son has a ADHD diagnosis and I do not consider that the same as mental illness. My son is a very pleasant child and he brings a lot of joy to a lot of people.

 

My father however was severely abusive, physically,mentally and emotionally to my mother and mentally,emotionally and some what physically to both my brother and I. My father has severely damaged the lives of many people and was and is never nice to anyone unless he is out to get something he wants and then he can be most charming. I do have a great pity for those mentally ill but I am afraid I could not put up with a relationship with one who was as mentally ill as my father. It is simply not worth the horrible pain.

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I think it is important to note that just because you decline dating someone with an untreated mental illness (like BPD) doesn't mean you're heartless. It's called having standards and looking out for your own well-being. You can be compassionate without opening youreself to hurt by dating people like this.

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I never said ADD was a mental illness. I said my ex was diagnosed ADD. I don't believe it's a mental illness, either. I think ADD is just a different way of looking at the world, and the only reason it's not "normal", is because people who think in a linear fashion have been allowed to define what's "normal."

 

And I agree with you about how sad it is that the mentally ill deserve to be cared for, but when it comes to abuse, you simply can't subject yourself to that.

 

I seriously feel very bad for my sister, because she is miserable and alone. But she has turned too many other family memeber's lives upside down with her pschosis, including my own. You seriously have to look out for your own welfare first, no matter how sad it is to leave someone behind.

 

Correct, ADHD is just another wonderful way of seeing the world.

 

I am sorry about your sister.

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I think it is important to note that just because you decline dating someone with an untreated mental illness (like BPD) doesn't mean you're heartless. It's called having standards and looking out for your own well-being. You can be compassionate without opening youreself to hurt by dating people like this.

 

That is my trouble. I struggle all the time with being kind to my father and I try and try but he has done some truly hideous things in his life and to me, but I still try to have compassion and try to not let him hurt me more.

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Maybe it just requires keeping him at a distance? I don't know. I was never able to resolve that with my sister.

 

Her daughter, who she accused of molesting her child, still keeps my sister in her life, and I don't know how she does it. They argue a lot.My niece says she can't spend 5 minutes with her, w/out getting into a fight. I realize, this is her mother, but..I don't know how she puts up with it.

 

It is a struggle, and I'm sorry to hear that. I guess part of it is just balance...being respectful but not giving him information or the chance to hurt you.

 

I'm wishing you luck.

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My father has been mostly out of my life for 18 years. He did something truly truly horrendous and we have never been the same again. I still love him but I only see him twice a year at most. His birthday and Christmas. This past year I have seen him more because he has been in very poor health. I love my dad but he is truly unbearable most of the time so I know what you mean.

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