Has anyone ever dated anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

[orillia]

I am starting to wonder if my exbf has BPD. When he's with me, he never seems to be happy. Then when I leave, after a while, he decides he wants me back. Many things have come between us...his ex, alcohol, drugs...he seems like he does not want to be controlled, but most mature individuals admit, you have to sacrifice some of your freedom to be a good partner. He doesn't seem to be willing to do that.

He keeps claiming he doesn't know what he wants. Well why keep jerking me around then? FOr 4 yrs, we've been off and on, off and on. This has to be the last time.

[Fudgie]

I can't say if he has it or not but he could just be really, REALLY immature and not the person for you.

Seeking out diagnoses, even if you're right, will not help you come to closure with him. If it's been on and off for 4 years, I'm going to say it's just not working. You keep coming back to each other because there is no one else and you haven't stopped that emotional attachment.

[orillia]

Yeah, I realize all of that. You're right. But I stumbled across a wikipedia entry and it describes him to a tee.

I'm not asking any of you if he's BPD. I'd like to hear other people's experiences who dated diagnosed BPDs.

I'm wondering if there was ever any hope for us whatsoever--if there was ever any way I could've trusted anything he said. It would be nice to have an explanation for some of his outbursts and strange behavior. It would also be nice to know if anyone else had a similar experience.

I can't say if he has it or not but he could just be really, REALLY immature and not the person for you.

Seeking out diagnoses, even if you're right, will not help you come to closure with him. If it's been on and off for 4 years, I'm going to say it's just not working. You keep coming back to each other because there is no one else and you haven't stopped that emotional attachment.

[Fudgie]

I've had friends who were BPDs. I could not, and I mean it, simply could NOT imagine dating one. I almost did, but when I found out that he was BPD (his friend told me he had been diagnosed AND he showed signs), I ran for the hills and never looked back. And no, you really can't trust anything that they say. What's lie and what's the truth? Sometimes, I don't even think they know. When you have someone with a disorder that involves lots of lying, manipulation, and self-centered thinking...is there ever any real closure? At some point, you just have to accept that they were screwed up, now you know the signs, and move on. I'm really sorry that you spent 4 years on/off with this guy because it sounds like it was pretty miserable.

For me to date someone with this disorder, they would have to go through INTENSIVE therapy and be entirely self aware. and even then, I doubt I would do it. From my past experience, it's a nightmare.

My advice: Run far and fast always. I don't think you'll ever get an answer for sure but it's safe to say that many lies were said and it's impossible to sort them all out.

[Cheetarah]

I have(treated, technically I no longer meet the criteria) BPD, and I've had a relationship with someone with it. I've also met many afflicted with it throughout the years being in skills and support groups.

I have to say - If someone is diagnosed with it and is not actively, diligently working on themselves - Leaving is your best bet. I've heard of BPD "calming" with age, but I don't know how true that is. It is a behavioral/thought disorder, and such things are not undone overnight. If they don't want to own up to their own issues, let alone work on them, then nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is going to change.

If they were to take responsibility for their own actions and face the pain of confronting their problems, rest assured, if you are in a relationship with them, it is NOT a singular effort. It is very much a joint effort, so to speak. You learn ways to set and enforce your own boundaries and both of you must work intensely on effective and proper communication.

P.S. I have to put my disclaimer in, I would feel naked if I didn't - You should be your number one priority. Not your ex and his issues.

[orillia]

Yeah I get that, and I'm going to be working on my issues, but there's a mitigating factor here.

What I read about BPD suggests they are self-destructive and potentially suicidal when a crisis hits, and my ex happens to have a gun.

I am not sure I could do anything about tha information. He bought the gun for protection. But he's made comments about killing himself when he's gotten angry before.

I have(treated, technically I no longer meet the criteria) BPD, and I've had a relationship with someone with it. I've also met many afflicted with it throughout the years being in skills and support groups.

I have to say - If someone is diagnosed with it and is not actively, diligently working on themselves - Leaving is your best bet. I've heard of BPD "calming" with age, but I don't know how true that is. It is a behavioral/thought disorder, and such things are not undone overnight. If they don't want to own up to their own issues, let alone work on them, then nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is going to change.

If they were to take responsibility for their own actions and face the pain of confronting their problems, rest assured, if you are in a relationship with them, it is NOT a singular effort. It is very much a joint effort, so to speak. You learn ways to set and enforce your own boundaries and both of you must work intensely on effective and proper communication.

P.S. I have to put my disclaimer in, I would feel naked if I didn't - You should be your number one priority. Not your ex and his issues.

[Capricorn3]

Many things have come between us...his ex, alcohol, drugs...

He keeps claiming he doesn't know what he wants. Well why keep jerking me around then? FOr 4 yrs, we've been off and on, off and on. This has to be the last time.

I haven't ever dated anyone with BPD, but just the above (in bold), would be enough reason for me to leave permanently. I couldn't handle living in such a dysfunctional relationship. It would mess with my head too much. I would prefer to be alone, than live with unhappiness, alcohol, drugs, ex's and on again off again drama.

I say leave.

[EmotionalCreature]

He keeps claiming he doesn't know what he wants. Well why keep jerking me around then? FOr 4 yrs, we've been off and on, off and on. This has to be the last time.

It's about time you show him you know what you want. If it's BPD then he will have to deal with it, grow out of it, or seek help. But you do not want to carry the baggages.

[savignon]

If you commit yourself to choosing a healthy partner so that you can have a healthy relationship, then it doesn't matter what/if this guy "has" something...he's just not suitable for the long haul for you. I spend waaay too much time trying to figure out if past relationships could have/would have/might have worked under different circumstances and it was SUCH a tremendous waste of my time because 1) the realtionship was already over and 2) those "different circumstances" didn't exist. The reality is that we weren't compatible and whether it was because he was crazy or I was crazy or whatever....didn't matter.
Don't waste your time trying to figure him out at this point. Work on moving forward by thinking about what you have to offer a partner and what you want in a partner and how you can find that. That's my advice.

[Cheetarah]

Yeah I get that, and I'm going to be working on my issues, but there's a mitigating factor here.

What I read about BPD suggests they are self-destructive and potentially suicidal when a crisis hits, and my ex happens to have a gun.

I am not sure I could do anything about tha information. He bought the gun for protection. But he's made comments about killing himself when he's gotten angry before.

So what are you going to do about it, honestly?

I've been through that. The last time my ex-ex and I spoke, some of the last things he talked about was how suicidal he gets before he never talked to me again. I was in agonizing worry for a couple months before I realized it's out of my hands. I can't do anything about it.

If he calls you and says he feels suicidal, then alert emergency services or family, and leave it be. There's nothing you can do there. It's not your responsibility.