Jealous of my Husbands female co worker

[Tari]

Found this forum whilst trawling the web for advice. I'm hoping someone here can help me understand what's happening to me.

Married for 2 yrs, to the funniest, most loving man I ever met. We have wide social life, lots of friend male and female. I have never been jealous in my entire life and always prided myself in being laid back and understanding in my relationships.

My husband is a car mechanic and out of the blue his boss got him a workmate, that turned out to be a petite, dark haired, beautiful Italian woman, some 18 years younger than me.

When I first found out, my head literally went numb. I stood for what seemed like an eternity in this place of total silence, everything moving slowly around me and I was sure I was about to faint. After the initial shock, I was very angry. Angry at my husbands boss, then angry at my husband for actually liking her, then angry at myself for not being as beautiful and capable as this woman.

Then the chaos hit my perfect marriage. The jealousy that has risen inside of me, has turned me into a hateful person. I hate this woman. I don't even know her, I hate my husband every time he mentions her and I can't stand him touching or loving me when he is home because he has spent his entire day in her company.

I actually trawled friends of friends facebook accounts until I found her just to check out her photographs. She is devastatingly beautiful with a personality to match, worst of all she finds my husband funny and she apparently hangs off his every word.

My husband admitted he doesn't want to come home anymore, I badger him for information on what every last aspect of their day together. He says he loves me and she is a work colleague and that's it, but I just can't stand it.

I basically want ME back. I know the problem lies within myself, but these feelings are so strong I can't control them. I have change so much over the last 6 months I don't think anyone hardly recognises me. I've lost interest in myself, my friends, my job. My every moment is eaten by the knowledge my husband spends 8 hours a day with this woman.

Everyone around me says, she is lovely I don't understand why you just can't like her. Which makes me worse. I want her to be a crap mechanic and lose her job. Reality of it she is bloody marvellous at what she does.

Can someone please help me understand what is going on here and help me get back on track before my marriage is beyond redemption.

[petite]

Have you thought about seeing a therapist and explaining your feelings to them? How about counseling for you and your husband? I can only imagine that as difficult as this is for him, she is his colleague and if you continue with the hatred it can possibly make him not want to come home at all.
Think of this as a test of yourself, put some nice clothes on, fix your hair and makeup and make a lunch for your husband and take it to him suggest you have a lunch together nearby, this will show her you are not threatened and that besides being work colleagues, they are nothing more. It will also show your husband that his wife is back, the one that he loved for so long and it will also show him that you are confident in him, yourself and your marriage.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The problem is you are so afraid of him being more captivated by this woman that you are actually setting the wheels in motion for this to happen. By falling apart at the seams and becoming this insanely jealous, insecure woman, you are turning into a shell of your former self...not the woman your husband married. It is when spouses change and become difficult to deal with that the other person starts losing interest and then you run the risk of the partner straying. You need to pull yourself together and recognize your own strengths. It is not this woman's youth and beauty that will result in his interest beyond work, it will be because he has lost the woman he truly loves as she has morphed into a person he no longer recognizes. Go back to the loving, charming, interesting wife you used to be.


Tari, if you have more posts on this forum you will be able to get PMs from people who may not want to post their story on here but would have some valuable insight for you.

[maalox]

Hey Tari... You are awesome to recognize this in yourself and want to change it. Jealousy is one of those visceral emotions that completely overrules the mind and colors your entire world. If you don't fix it, you will create the exact situation that you're afraid of. I'm a victim of jealousy gone out of control and its really hard to put with. If you care about your guy and your marriage, go get yourself a head mechanic and get a tune up If you don't, you will create the situation you fear, but you won't remember that -- you'll just feel justified, and then life for you both will go straight to hell...

[Periwinkle.]

I don't think it's wrong to feel this way. I myself suffer from extreme jealousy and it's hard to control it with so many beautiful manipulative girls out there. But it's true...we need to stop before we dig our own marriages' graves. If your husband wants to touch you after having spent all day with this beautiful woman, you should feel happy and secure because it means he still loves you that much.

What I think would be a great idea is trying to befriend this woman. Try to get to know her--she sounds friendly and easy to talk to. Maybe if you earn her respect she will just become another close family friend, not a threat. And she will respect you enough to not lay a hand on your husband when she sees that you guys are a unit. If everyone says she is so great, then I'm sure she is sweet and respectful, not a husband-stealer. She likely just idolizes your husband for his skills. And a girl like that doesn't say single for long...she'll surely find a boyfriend soon enough.

Your husband married you for a reason. I don't think he would throw away all his memories with you for a girl he just met. If you have children then all the more reason not to worry. So don't push your husband away! Easier said than done right? But we need to do this for the men we love!

with empathy,
periwinkle

[lavenderdove]

OK, you've lost it here and know it.

The world is FULL of beautiful women, and frankly studies show that men more frequently have affairs with women who are not all that beautiful, but who rather provide them with the emotional support they are missing in the marriage (or to relieve boredom or because they are angry with their wives or feel they are missing something in their marriage). So if your marriage is good, and he's a good guy, he won't cheat even if he works with a supermodel.

And it is actually kind of insulting to all women to suspect and be enraged by a women just because she works with your husband. That is not her fault nor your husband's fault nor any guarantee they will have an affair. Most women work these days, so husbands will work with women, just the name of the game and not grounds to think she's some cheater just because she's female.

Your feelings are more about your own insecurities and really indicate you need to get some personal counseling immediately to save your marriage. You need to talk with a therapist about why you would go off the deep end over a woman who works with your husband and start cyber stalking her and comparing her to you etc. The truth is there are millions of women in this world for your husband to cheat with, but he chose to marry you and wants to be with you (or at least before you went psycho on the woman he works with).

But you need professional help to deal with your insecurity/jealousy since this is way over the top and not based on anything they are doing.

[courtney06]

This is why I can't see myself getting married or in a long term relationship. I have a jealousy problem and I'm not even in a relationship or married. I get angry when I see two attractive people together.

I know how you feel...like you've lost control of yourself and upset because you just want this woman to go away. But even if this woman went away, there will always be other pretty women out there that your husband comes across. I agree with what lavendardove said, I think you need to work on your insecurities and fine someone professional to talk to. They will give you advice on how to speak to your husband about this without instigating an argument.

You can tell each other how much you love each other all you want, but you also need to feel attracted to each other. You said that this woman finds your husband funny and probably even attractive. So maybe it would help if you make him feel funny and make him feel attractive. Try dressing sexy and being seductive to him every once in a while. When two people are married, sometimes that "spice" fades away because they get too used to each other. He probably misses that. But still see a therapist first because I don't know if my advice is right.

[TexasDude]

I dated a very, very jealous girl who would get mad if she thought I even glanced at a pretty girl walking down the other side of the street. Once she took me outside of a restaurant to yell at me for having "exchanged glances" with an unattractive girl on the other side of the room. She was even jealous of ugly girls!

I was always faithful to her, always careful never to even give the appearance of flirting with another girl. In the end her jealousy is what killed the relationship, not my imagined infidelities. I just couldn't take the abuse anymore.

Get your jealousy under control immediately or your relationship is doomed. I can tell you from first hand experience. You'll end up alienating your husband and probably pushing him into the other girl's arms.

My best advice: Go and get to know the girl. Invite her to dinner at your house with your husband. Your jealousy is creating a you vs. them situation and it's going to get worse. Bring yourself into the mix, and who knows, you might actually end up good friends. At the very least you'll be announcing, "He's mine, don't touch" and most girls will back off (if she's even interested in him). Cheaper and more effective than therapy.

[Starrgrl]

You sound like you have some issues you need to deal wtih. You sound so insecure.



When I first found out, my head literally went numb. I stood for what seemed like an eternity in this place of total silence, everything moving slowly around me and I was sure I was about to faint. After the initial shock, I was very angry. Angry at my husbands boss, then angry at my husband for actually liking her, then angry at myself for not being as beautiful and capable as this woman.

Then the chaos hit my perfect marriage. The jealousy that has risen inside of me, has turned me into a hateful person. I hate this woman. I don't even know her, I hate my husband every time he mentions her and I can't stand him touching or loving me when he is home because he has spent his entire day in her company.

That's alittle ...
You need to talk to him about your insecurities bc they seem pretty serious.

[aggela]

OMG!!!!!OMG!!!! I can't belive it!!!!
I can't belive I'm not alone!!!!!!IEVERt's like everything you said is what I feel ,EVERYTHING!!!!EVERY WORD!!!!!
We have been married for 17 years we have 4 teenage kids and I work full time,I'm 37 (but look a lot younger)and shes 25 I'm goodlooking, but she is better looking and has a lot more time to take care of her self,
I have the same thing going on in my life for the last 5 years.Every thing you feel I feel,mad with his boss,mad at him,mad with her,but mostly mad at ME,because I can't deal with it.
I have tride all of the above!the best advice is to get to know her,but DO NOT INVITE HER TO YOUR HOUSE,maybe for some coffee at a caffee. I tried that ,and I'm sure It would have helped if she was not so rude,so what I did was be really nice to her but she would only talk to my husband and ignor me.That made me feel really bad BUT that made her look really bad to my husband!!!!
But to tell you the truth I think that If you get to meet her and shes nice ,then you will feel a lot better!!
Hope all gose well deal with it as soon as posible the longer you feel like this the worst it gets BELIVE ME
hope I helped,I know you helped me ,
thank you so much