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My wife is lesbian. I am going crazy


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Hello everyone This is my first post. I wish to get some advice from you. I just found out my wife is lesbian; after 8 years and 3 kids. Can you guys believe my luck?

We stopped having sex because she said she felt not comfortable then after a few month she says that she wants women; that she imagines herself with a woman and to make matters worse I think she has a lesbian lover. I told her that she should think about us , about GOD ,family, responsibility; our commitment nothing worked. She told me "two women can truly love each other". Guys this is tearing me apart. I love my wife so much, she has always been an excellent companion, but now she seems changed, I can not even see her naked; for Christ sake! she locks the bathroom door to put lotion on her legs. I have no job at this time, very few friends, no family, I am ALONE. I am at home carrying this burden. I want to leave; but where? I don't want to leave the kids here with her; she is very selfish, she does not worry about them as much as me. What is the moral values that they will absorb from home as they grow up?

I told her that I can make concessions; to let go so we can heal. I am even thinking to tell her to act on her feelings in relation to "that" woman, hoping this is just a fantasy and would go away; I am going nuts; my head is spinning. Guys this is ultimate suffering and torture.

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I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I know of someone that on their honeymoon, their new spouse told her he was gay. I guess he thought he could go through with the marriage & realized afterward he couldn't. I think if she's the one that doesn't want to be together, maybe she should be the one to move out. If she's already seeing someone as you say she won't have a problem figuring out where to stay. The longer you are in limbo though, the more it will hurt. If this is clearly an irreconcilable difference right now, it's best to end this situation now rather than stretching it out any longer than you have to.

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Ever thought about having a triangle then?

You, Her and any potential female lover she has... At least

you'd be doing it with her as well : P

Instead of for example, her potentially going behind your back

and doing it. . .

 

Probably very far out for most people to consider... But just putting

it out there...

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Thank you for your quick replay alli. I am waiting to get a job to have some economical leverage; then I can make my voice be heard. -this is the most sane thought I have at the moment-

I can not see myself without my children; without my wife; they have been everything to me for the past decade.

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Thank you CSLX9. Yes I have thought about a triangle is not that far that far out for me; but I am scared of putting my wife on a track that she won't be able to come back to me later on

I am not scare of sex adventures. What I am scare of is loosing her forever. Do you guys understand?

My wife makes it very hard to approach the subject; every time I try to address the problem she locks up; very few words; a few gestures and that is it; she does not like to talk about it.

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It does look like an irreconcilable differences, and as hard as it may be I think it would be best for the sake of the kids not to turn this into a moral issue. If this turns into a hard fought custody battle I fear the only real losers will be the children and the only real winners will be the lawyers.

 

That is just my opinion, you must do what you feel is the right thing to do. I do think though that infidelity is not an indication as legal proof that she is a bad parent. Ultimately it is not about what you believe but what you can prove in court.

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Ever thought about having a triangle then?

You, Her and any potential female lover she has... At least

you'd be doing it with her as well : P

Instead of for example, her potentially going behind your back

and doing it. . .

 

Probably very far out for most people to consider... But just putting

it out there...

 

I doubt she would do that if she doesn't even want to have sex with him or have him see her naked.

 

Anyway, my suggestion is to allow her the space to be who she is. Let her have her time and figure out who she is. She might just be going through a phase. Every 7 years we change anyway. I am bisexual, I know. I have had relationships with women and men and now that I am done having relationships with women I am ready to marry a man.

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I'm sorry for what you're going through but I agree with lukeb. It sounds to me like part of the reason you two can't communicate is because you are injecting morality and religion (and I would add some implicit homophobia) into the discussion. If your wife is a lesbian it's tragic and hurtful that she didn't realize it before marriage, but in my opinion it's NOT selfish nor immoral.

 

And I say this knowing couples to whom this has happened. Mostly they were married in the 1960s and 70s, but it still happens today. In People magazine last week there was a story about a married Southern Baptist preacher--the fire and brimstone type--who realized he was gay and came out to his wife and children and to his congregation a few months ago.

 

I think you may benefit from some reading on the issue. Since you are unemployed I won't recommend counseling but I WOULD recommend you contact your local PFLAG chapter (parents and family of lesbian and gays); they are a highly reputable nonprofit that offers free support groups for people coming to terms with a family member's homosexuality.

 

I imagine that once you come to terms with it, give her space, and can approach the issue from more of a "what should we do now?" perspective your wife may be more open to discussion. But first you have to work on accepting this reality, as painful as it may be.

 

PS. What millaj said about 3-ways is right on. Despite what you see in pornos, in real life lesbians usually want no part of a 3-way with a man.

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Hi, I am sorry about the situation you find yourself in. It is not an easy one. As with so many issues nobody can tell you what to do but only offer their own life experience.

 

My experience is of being in your wife's position ... married with two kids and then slowly realising I am gay. Maybe the onlt difference was that my marrige was by that time in bits and very unhappy for both of us.

 

I know this may be hard to take but your wife's feelings are no reflection on you. There are very many woman who only realise they are gay until later on in life. And I hate to say this but I don't think there will be anything you can do to effect her feelings.

 

As somebody has said the question of what do we do now is I think the most important. Your kids are what matters the most without a doubt. Their future and well being must be your focus.

 

Again as has been said I don't think a three way is the way to go. It will just cause more pain for all involved. I know you are hurting as you wife has been a hugh part of your life for a long time, but you will get through it.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

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Thanks everyone for your comments. Does some of you guys really think that she might be going through a phase in her life? If not and this is permanent...Well; I do can come to terms and ultimately accept her sexuality for the good sake of the family; but as greywolf so explicitly said it could simply be the end of the road for me, cause I have become a economical and emotional burden. I know she is in a emotional distress too; she is not a bad person. I wish I knew before; I hope this would go away soon. I hope my job offering in Texas comes true.

How did I become so dependent? how did I come to love my wife and children more than my anything else and place them above my pride and the envious love that is so common?

I wanna say thank you to everyone that took some time off your schedules to post something to help a perfectly UNKNOWN person. Besides the fact that I'm an emotional wreck at this time; your comments are very appreciated and move me deeply.

PS. I am a gay friendly person I am not homophobic nor have prejudice antipathy,aversion, or contempt towards lesbian, gay, bisexual. Heck! I had about 5 gay friends when I was younger. I mentioned the fear of GOD to my wife cause she is kind of religious

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grazi, unfortunately this situation is all too common. There is a huge amount of pressure to lead a "normal" heterosexual life. When you're young, your parents and friends assume you'll be straight. When I was younger I was always hit with comments like "When you grow up and start dating girls..." The expectation is there almost from day one that you should be straight. And women in particular go through additional pressure to have kids, etc.

 

So what does this all mean? It means we have a society that still puts huge pressure on everyone to be straight. It results in far too many gays and lesbians going into deep pits of denial. Sometimes for years. Sometimes for decades. As a result, people often get hurt when these people finally accept themselves and decide to lead a life that is in fact natural to them.

 

As far as what you should do in the short term, I would recommend trying to support your wife and be as understanding as possible. On the flip side, however, I would also be very clear with her that you are going to need time to heal from this as well. Ultimately are you both victims of the same social environment that gave rise to this situation. Just be honest with her, express your feelings, but try not to make it about "blame". I can assure you she more than likely feels horrible about this as well.

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If your wife decides that she is a lesbian, no effort or counseling in the world will help heal your marriage. I suggest that you get closer to God, focus on your children and job search. I know its very painful when a partner loses interest after so many years together I wish you luck during this difficult time, and don't stop posting here for support.

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Welcome to the hell I've been living through for the past 5 weeks. My best friend of 27 years, and wife of close to 15 years just came out of the closet about 5 weeks ago, and asked me for a divorce first, it took another week of talking with her to find out why. I know the pain of having your entire world turned completely upside down. Between me working close to 60 hours a week, 7 days a week, and her going back to college 3 nights a week and then being completely tied up with Federal work study and home work, we've barely had much time to talk about it.

 

She means the world to me, and I'm completely devastated and at a loss for words. In the past 27 years we've maybe had a total of 2 major fights, not counting the past 5 weeks, and since she came out we've probably had a good 5 or 6 already, and thats just because she has always been stubborn and impossible to get her talking. She has 1 day of class left for this semester on Monday, and still a little homework and studying to do for her final on Monday, then I hope we can finally sit down and talk. Theres been lots of crying, anger, sadness, denial, and every other emotion between the both of us, but I have zero control over anything.

 

We've been on talking terms the whole time except for a couple of days in between fights, but we usually just walk away and let the anger settle, and then we both end up apologizing. Things have been calm for a week now. We both still love each other very much, but she only has love for me as a best friend, and thats where we started the relationship. She's been unemployed for almost 2 years, has some medical issues, and like I said, has been going back to college for the past few years part time, and now is basically a full time student. Her plans are that we stay best friends and continue living together, since she really has no where to go and doesn't have the money to move out. So I'm kind of living a limbo nightmare. I don't want her to leave, but I can't see how I'm supposed to start my life over as long as she stays. Most of her family has found out thanks to a big mouth sister, my family hasn't been told yet. She's already getting backlash from her family over this as I happen to be a favorite son-in-law in the family, they all love me for taking care of my wife for the past 15 years and standing by her with her medical issues. The only person that doesn't know yet is her father, and he is going to totally flip out when he finds out.

 

I'm doing the best to hold myself together, and have a couple of very good friends that have already provided my support that I've needed since this started. My wife on the other hand has already lost a number of friends, and only has me and her mother for support at this time. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, supporting my wife through a life change which basically ends my marriage, but as I stated above, we're best friends, I have an obligation to be there for support even if it hurts like hell. Its been a wild ride so far, and its not going to get easier for a long time.

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Mikeyk,

 

If i were you I would give her a time to move out, its not fair for you to put your life on hold. She sounds selfish, wants to go to school full time, live free off of you but just be friends? Huh, after all those years together? SHe is asking for too much, let her stay there till she gets a job so that she can move out. I wouldnt let anyone use me like that, certainly dont leave her on the streets but be stern about her finding her own place to live.

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Mikeyk,

 

If i were you I would give her a time to move out, its not fair for you to put your life on hold. She sounds selfish, wants to go to school full time, live free off of you but just be friends? Huh, after all those years together? SHe is asking for too much, let her stay there till she gets a job so that she can move out. I wouldnt let anyone use me like that, certainly dont leave her on the streets but be stern about her finding her own place to live.

 

Its not a matter of asking her to find some place else to live, her name is on the mortgage as a co-signor, as well as her fathers. There is no rush to sign or fill out divorce papers either, as neither of us have the money available right now to go through the lengthy process. We live in NY state, and "No Fault" divorce just went into effect in October this year, we were the last state in the nation to have the "No Fault" divorce option available. My relationship with her is almost more that of a parent then anything else, and she's acting like a rebellious teen ager.

 

She had an affair about 6 years ago with another woman, and I knew it was going on, it was a good thing I interfered with that one, because that woman was and still is a massive train wreck. Had I left things alone back then, my wife would have fallen head over heals in love with her, and she would have ended up more miserable than she is today. Her and I still have lots of details to work amongst each other, and its just cheaper to have her stay here than court appointed emergency marital support to get her on her own feet.

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Well of course you're willing to make concessions. You have no job, no friends, and the sex always satisfied you in the past.

 

I have this advice for you; this marriage will not last, so you need to start compiling evidence about your care with the kids. You need to keep track of things for when this comes to court.

 

Also you need to get a job.

 

You need to get friends.

 

Even in a marriage without this humongous problem, you can't rely on your wife to support you in EVERY way. You cant expect her to be your only friend, your only financial source, and the only role model for your children. YOU have to be a role model in at least half the necessary ways, or you're really a burden for your wife.

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Thank you generadiscord for your plain and at the same time good advise. I can make concessions purely out of unselfish love. I could move back to New York where I have all the support I need to get back on my feet; but it's hard to leave part of your heart behind; I love this woman with the sort of love that ancient poets wrote about; I hope you understand. Now that the truth has come out and it's been out for a couple of weeks so far; and also thanks to many of you in the forum, my thoughts are starting to clear up. You: generaldiscord speak in a very simple and pragmatic way; THANK YOU

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mikeyk, I am deeply sorry for what you're going through; I know it hurts!! You have a rare noble heart, so uncommon these days; follow your feelings. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest to practice. Patience and understanding right now is your best ally. Just like you; I supported my wife in the past, I'd been there for her, and now; I'm too: "supporting my wife through a life change which basically ends my marriage" Best of luck to you and your family

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I felt like a fish out of water today. I went to my nieces birthday party, my wifes sisters daughter, her mom and 3 other sisters were there, my wife wasn't because she's still getting over a bad cold, and they all know whats going on. My mother in law, who happens to be the only one of the 4 that supports my wife with her coming out, and who also calls me her favorite son in law, gave me a huh when she arrived, and I broke down crying in front of everyone at the party. I felt so uneasy just being in that room with everybody even though they all care for me deeply. I couldn't even bring myself to bring the subject up and talk about it, it wasn't the right time and place to say anything, but they all knew how much this is killing me. Now I've gotta face my family on Friday for our annual Christmas party, and I'll be going alone, and will feel totally out of place there. I just want to curl up into a ball somewhere, this is really painful for the holidays. We also had an invitation at our friends for New Years, and now I really don't even feel like going there, and we've gone there every year for the past 15 years. As for my wife, she just seems to walk around and act like nothings changed, and I just want to grab her and ask her how she can be so damn calm about everything and act like things are great. God, I'm in hell right now, I can't wait for the damn holidays to be over, they will never be the same again.

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I kind of disagree. She knew when she married him that he was religious, and she probably also knew that she was not attracted to men. What she did was very selfish and also immoral, not because of her orientation but because that's a very mean thing to do to someone.

 

I don't see how being judgmental is constructive at all in the OP's situation. I guess initially it is a luxury that the OP has if they were a childless couple, then you can be selfish and judgmental. The bigger issue is that the OP is connected to his wife because of the children and he must look how he can move forward with that reality.

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I don't see how being judgmental is constructive at all in the OP's situation. I guess initially it is a luxury that the OP has if they were a childless couple, then you can be selfish and judgmental. The bigger issue is that the OP is connected to his wife because of the children and he must look how he can move forward with that reality.

 

I've already been constructive on this thread. What you quote is a response to something I think is wrong. What his wife did to him is wrong, so he should try to move on best he can, and right now he should be keeping track of all the stuff he does for the kids, shopping around for a divorce attorney, and looking for a job.

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