My wife is lesbian. I am going crazy

[grazi]

Hello everyone This is my first post. I wish to get some advice from you. I just found out my wife is lesbian; after 8 years and 3 kids. Can you guys believe my luck?
We stopped having sex because she said she felt not comfortable then after a few month she says that she wants women; that she imagines herself with a woman and to make matters worse I think she has a lesbian lover. I told her that she should think about us , about GOD ,family, responsibility; our commitment nothing worked. She told me "two women can truly love each other". Guys this is tearing me apart. I love my wife so much, she has always been an excellent companion, but now she seems changed, I can not even see her naked; for Christ sake! she locks the bathroom door to put lotion on her legs. I have no job at this time, very few friends, no family, I am ALONE. I am at home carrying this burden. I want to leave; but where? I don't want to leave the kids here with her; she is very selfish, she does not worry about them as much as me. What is the moral values that they will absorb from home as they grow up?
I told her that I can make concessions; to let go so we can heal. I am even thinking to tell her to act on her feelings in relation to "that" woman, hoping this is just a fantasy and would go away; I am going nuts; my head is spinning. Guys this is ultimate suffering and torture.

[alli]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I know of someone that on their honeymoon, their new spouse told her he was gay. I guess he thought he could go through with the marriage & realized afterward he couldn't. I think if she's the one that doesn't want to be together, maybe she should be the one to move out. If she's already seeing someone as you say she won't have a problem figuring out where to stay. The longer you are in limbo though, the more it will hurt. If this is clearly an irreconcilable difference right now, it's best to end this situation now rather than stretching it out any longer than you have to.

[CSLX9]

Ever thought about having a triangle then?
You, Her and any potential female lover she has... At least
you'd be doing it with her as well : P
Instead of for example, her potentially going behind your back
and doing it. . .

Probably very far out for most people to consider... But just putting
it out there...

[grazi]

Thank you for your quick replay alli. I am waiting to get a job to have some economical leverage; then I can make my voice be heard. -this is the most sane thought I have at the moment-
I can not see myself without my children; without my wife; they have been everything to me for the past decade.

[grazi]

Thank you CSLX9. Yes I have thought about a triangle is not that far that far out for me; but I am scared of putting my wife on a track that she won't be able to come back to me later on
I am not scare of sex adventures. What I am scare of is loosing her forever. Do you guys understand?
My wife makes it very hard to approach the subject; every time I try to address the problem she locks up; very few words; a few gestures and that is it; she does not like to talk about it.

[lukeb]

It does look like an irreconcilable differences, and as hard as it may be I think it would be best for the sake of the kids not to turn this into a moral issue. If this turns into a hard fought custody battle I fear the only real losers will be the children and the only real winners will be the lawyers.

That is just my opinion, you must do what you feel is the right thing to do. I do think though that infidelity is not an indication as legal proof that she is a bad parent. Ultimately it is not about what you believe but what you can prove in court.

[millaj]

Ever thought about having a triangle then?
You, Her and any potential female lover she has... At least
you'd be doing it with her as well : P
Instead of for example, her potentially going behind your back
and doing it. . .

Probably very far out for most people to consider... But just putting
it out there...

I doubt she would do that if she doesn't even want to have sex with him or have him see her naked.

Anyway, my suggestion is to allow her the space to be who she is. Let her have her time and figure out who she is. She might just be going through a phase. Every 7 years we change anyway. I am bisexual, I know. I have had relationships with women and men and now that I am done having relationships with women I am ready to marry a man.

[WockaWocka]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but I agree with lukeb. It sounds to me like part of the reason you two can't communicate is because you are injecting morality and religion (and I would add some implicit homophobia) into the discussion. If your wife is a lesbian it's tragic and hurtful that she didn't realize it before marriage, but in my opinion it's NOT selfish nor immoral.

And I say this knowing couples to whom this has happened. Mostly they were married in the 1960s and 70s, but it still happens today. In People magazine last week there was a story about a married Southern Baptist preacher--the fire and brimstone type--who realized he was gay and came out to his wife and children and to his congregation a few months ago.

I think you may benefit from some reading on the issue. Since you are unemployed I won't recommend counseling but I WOULD recommend you contact your local PFLAG chapter (parents and family of lesbian and gays); they are a highly reputable nonprofit that offers free support groups for people coming to terms with a family member's homosexuality.

I imagine that once you come to terms with it, give her space, and can approach the issue from more of a "what should we do now?" perspective your wife may be more open to discussion. But first you have to work on accepting this reality, as painful as it may be.

PS. What millaj said about 3-ways is right on. Despite what you see in pornos, in real life lesbians usually want no part of a 3-way with a man.

[greywolf]

OP, could it be that she is just no longer attracted to you? You said you have no job, and it looks like she is your only emotional support. That burden is enough to turn a lot of people off.

[Scotty123]

Hi, I am sorry about the situation you find yourself in. It is not an easy one. As with so many issues nobody can tell you what to do but only offer their own life experience.

My experience is of being in your wife's position ... married with two kids and then slowly realising I am gay. Maybe the onlt difference was that my marrige was by that time in bits and very unhappy for both of us.

I know this may be hard to take but your wife's feelings are no reflection on you. There are very many woman who only realise they are gay until later on in life. And I hate to say this but I don't think there will be anything you can do to effect her feelings.

As somebody has said the question of what do we do now is I think the most important. Your kids are what matters the most without a doubt. Their future and well being must be your focus.

Again as has been said I don't think a three way is the way to go. It will just cause more pain for all involved. I know you are hurting as you wife has been a hugh part of your life for a long time, but you will get through it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.