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Grieving for a lost parent & Getting into a new relationship


kuteknish

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I am sorry for those that have lost parents and have experienced huge loss. I have not had to deal with this yet, but I am an empathetic person and know any loss is hard. I am making a post to get perspective from those of you that have lost a parent or a loved one.

 

I met a great man 4 months after his father passed away, unexpectedly in his sleep. We had a really great relationship and for the first 6-7 months, you would have no idea that he had any sadness in his life... at about 7 months, things started to change dramatically and it coincided with what was the 1 year anniversary of his fathers death. We stayed together for the next few months, however, he started to fall into depression and "feeling flat".. He realized that he wasn't ready for handling what a relationship holds, as he wasn't happy with his life and should never have gotten into one.... ultimately letting out relationship go.

 

I was supportive when he was depressed, however, he was very very hesitant to speak of his father and would drop the subject. His friends say he never actually "grieved" verbally with anyone and rarely talks about his dad with them either. There was no burial either.

 

My question is this: Grief and loss of a parent is a very difficult thing to handle, I know I can say with confidence, even without experiencing it personally. Is it inappropriate to get in a relationship with a new partner when you are dealing with this loss, so soon after? I realize that these feelings of guilt, grief & anger resurfaced after our "honeymoon" phase ended, it was a lot for him to handle, and led to a demise in our relationship (among other things, but this is the matter at hand) and as I realize this now, I want to get more understanding about getting into a relationship so soon... for those of you that lost, could you imagine getting into a relationship? or did you? How did it affect you?

 

thanks in advance.

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I got into a relationship about a month after my dad passed. We had been talking for months and things were going that route anyway. Everyone is different though, so it wouldn't be fair to judge him based on the experiences of others. Losing a parent is really difficult, especially when it's unexpected. If he isn't ready for a relationship because he is still troubled by the loss of his father, that's fine. Maybe therapy could help him overcome some of these feelings and get his thoughts straightened out.

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I've also never experienced a loss in my family and personally can not even imagine what it would feel like. The most traumatic event I have had in my life to date is a bad break up and I didn't handle that very well...but it gave me perspective as I realized how poorly I handled it and what led up to it. I realized I have a lot of work to do lol. So I've been gaining as much independence as I can and using this new perspective to reflect on my life. One of the biggest reflections I have had is that I take my family for granted. At this point in time I really don't think I would handle any member of my immediate family passing away very well. So I'm trying to take on more of a supportive role to gain more independence and be less dependent on my family.

 

Unfortunately I can't relate directly to add better perspective.

 

P.S. I can't reply to your PM because you have no storage space left...

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I had already been in my relationship for 11 months when my father passed away. Ironically that relationship had become exclusive the day before my bf's father passed away. We had both lost our fathers within a year of each other.

 

What makes it harder for the people that are grieving are the birthdays and anniversaries that follow. My father passed away in January and I had to go through the motions of Father's Day, his birthday, my birthday (he always wanted chocolate cake on our birthdays) and the holidays. I think it's normal for people to shut down and push those closest to us away. It's been almost 5 years since my father passed and while it is easier to deal with, I still have a hard time around the holidays.

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  • 1 month later...

I must, I struggled alot with myself after my Mother passed away, and of course the relationship had to take some of it...thankfully we were many years into the relationship that he didn't take it personally, did his best, and understood the way I worked.

I shut down, and shut off from the world for a good month, including a leave of absence from work. Pretty much a month of being in bed, and feeling sorry for myself.

To this day, a year later..I still am not 'alright'

 

But what I love, is that I don't have to 'explain' myself. I am with someone that gets me, understands my moods and supports me.

 

I couldn't imagine channelling energy into a new budding relationship. And while it may be a nice distraction, grief finds you. I see it in myself. I get caught up with life, with my love and throw myself into our relationship, get swept away with amazing feelings, and then BAM. I'm down for a good week, with grief giving me friendly reminder. And I don't need to worry about 'things' on that week. House is clean, food is prepared, and most of all I am loved and supported and don't need to worry about someone else and meeting someoen's needs during those times..its about me.

 

When my Mother was sick, and my fiance and I were still dating and not living together, it took a toll on us. I asked for alot of space to deal with things [ we didn't break up, but would ask for a few days to myself], to process and to not have to worry about someone else. And I know I'm saying it alot...but its so exhausting to grieve, before and after someone's death..it takes all your energy to hold yourself up and make yourself function..you can't give yourself properly to another person.

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I was married when my dad passed and I divorced my husband for many small reasons but one being when I found out he went and took a nap rather than comforted me. I broke down in front of the kids and couldn't regain control until we got to Nebraska after saying a prayer really. I live in Minnesota so it took a while. Then I never cried over it again. I felt I had to be strong for the family because dad and I were close and if I couldn't handle myself how could they? Well I couldn't handle myself I cracked after he died. From all the stress of being divorced, jobless, and losing custody of my children.

 

Needless to say getting into a relationship at that time wasn't happening or in my mindset. It's been 6 years. I had a short lived romance a year ago, right after my son died. I jumped into a romance then. However I really think it takes a year. You have to grieve however which way you do it and it may not even hit you until a year later that they are really gone. My dad has been dead for almost 6 years, my son for 1 year and almost 2 months. I think I'm ready for a relationship but I'm working on finishing school so I don't want anyone who will take away from my educational goals.

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Asti, and everyone else, thank you for your responses... I don't know what it is like to lose a parent, and I appreciate the perspectives. His friends said that he had not expressed any sadness to his friends when his father passed.. just anger, and that they have never heard him talk of him or about the passing... he bottles it all up... I think it all hit him at once on the 1 year anniversary.

He had awful sleep patterns when we were dating, stomach issues, and would just shut down from time to time...

again, thank you for your perspectives.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So it's coming up on the 2 year anniversary and I know it is a very tough time of year for him... would it be inappropriate to send a card saying "I know this is a tough time of year for you. If you need an ear, I have two" or something like a sympathy card? He doesn't really speak to anyone about it.... opinions?

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  • 1 month later...

I know it is very hard for people to lose their parents. My step siblings lost their mother very suddenly. It has been more than 20 years now and her children have still not worked it through. Some people for whatever reason can not be verbal about their grief. They internalize everything, but then in a way project it back out. Know what I mean? My step siblings and and my step dad were the same as your ex, they felt if they bottled everything up and gave the apaperance of being fine that they were. My mom came into my step dad's life a few years after his first wife died and she convinced him to take his daughter to counseling to delve into the issues of her losing her mother. Obviously you can not do the same with an adult. Everyone is different though about when they want to re enter society and living for themselves. I would send a card in support.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...
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I think if he really wanted to be with you he would be, it's been long enough, i'm sure he knows you could really help him get through stuff....

then again that could be the problem, lots of people just want to put these things totally behind them (arguably not good for them but you can't do anything about that)... so if you are focussing on it/sending him condolence stuff then he could be put off by that.

Maybe he didn't like that you've seen his vulnerablity.

 

Sorry if this upsets you - i'm playing devil's advocate, it really does seem like you're pretty desperate about it all.

 

Good luck!

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I think if he really wanted to be with you he would be, it's been long enough, i'm sure he knows you could really help him get through stuff....

then again that could be the problem, lots of people just want to put these things totally behind them (arguably not good for them but you can't do anything about that)... so if you are focussing on it/sending him condolence stuff then he could be put off by that.

Maybe he didn't like that you've seen his vulnerablity.

 

Sorry if this upsets you - i'm playing devil's advocate, it really does seem like you're pretty desperate about it all.

 

Good luck!

 

It doesn't upset me, and i'm not desperate at all anymore. At one point I could say I was, as this was posted a while ago, but the truth is that I am always on a path to learning more about myself and others and was curious from another person's perspective, in case it happens this situation occurs somewhere down the line for me again.

 

Thanks for taking the time to write in this thread, and for the attempt to insult me.

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  • 9 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I've only just lost my dad this February and i got into a relationship 10 days later, me and my boyfriend were heading that way anyway and had been talking for months are knew each other years before that, he also knew my dad and was there for me when my dad passed away, we are still together however we do find it very hard to get on at the minute i havn't even had chance to greive for my loss as i didn't just lose my dad i lost my dogs my home and my old life, and i had to cope to help everyone else in the family as they told me to just get over it he was only my dad but he was their brother and their son, so thats what i did, i got on with things but now its eating away at me so much and noone cares and so me and my boyfriend are nearly over because when i talk about my feelings he dismisses them and starts to talk to other people. I'm also currently 3 months pregnant with his baby which complicates things even more. So my advise is that people should wait till they are good and ready for the relationship when they feel stable enough as i just jumped at the chance of being with my boyfriend and it doesn't look like the best thing to have done.

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  • 6 months later...

I feel motivated to contribute after reading through this thread. I met my guy friend (online) and we had been in contact back and forth daily via emails basically out of boredom from work. His mother passed away shortly after that and he stopped communicating. A few days later he resurfaced and told me what happened and we picked up our emailing/chatting after this and things were going very well. Mind you, we have never even met in person and we are also just friends. After reading what has happened to everyone else I'm assuming it will never get past that stage.

 

The holidays hit and he basically disappeared again for over a month. He resurfaced yet again and apologized and told me he hasn't been doing very well but does want to stay in contact. I really don't know how to proceed or what I can do for him at this point. I mean, we are just friends and that's probably all this well ever amount to ( I don't mind being just his friend), but it's hard to communicate with him because he's incredibly withdrawn right now and yet he still wants me to keep writing to him and has told me he still wants contact.

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  • 2 months later...

well from what I have seen in this forum, for some reason, noone returns to the boyfriend-girlfriend or the person in interest if he/she decide to take that route. So try to move on yourself and keep a discreet contact and let's hope for the best

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Well --- I guess I am the exception to the rule. My bf and I realized that I could not deal with his depression (seasonal) and my mother dying at the same time...and we had been together 3 yrs. So we "took a break"....Mom died in Jan....and my bf has been sporadically checking in on me, w/ more in the past month (really, no contact in first 60 days or so).

 

I needed time to grieve and to heal and to rebuild myself....and we have reconnected again. By me reaching out -- in response to his overtures...and him being willing.

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  • 2 years later...
Well --- I guess I am the exception to the rule. My bf and I realized that I could not deal with his depression (seasonal) and my mother dying at the same time...and we had been together 3 yrs. So we "took a break"....Mom died in Jan....and my bf has been sporadically checking in on me, w/ more in the past month (really, no contact in first 60 days or so).

 

I needed time to grieve and to heal and to rebuild myself....and we have reconnected again. By me reaching out -- in response to his overtures...and him being willing.

 

Mhowe, I am so glad to read you and your bf were able to get back together when you were ready. I am going through this right now. My bf broke up with me 2 weeks after his father passed away. Im absolutely devastated losing him so I can only imagine how devastated my bf is. He and I were together for 3 years and share a deep love and deep connection. I know that waiting for him is something I shouldn't do and he hasn't expressed a possibility of us getting back together at some point. I can't help but hope that we do find our way back together in time. The idea of living without him being a part of me is impossible to accept. Are you two still together? Both my now ex and I suffer from depression and anxiety and he said he is too broken to be in a relationship right now. Did it bother you that your bf didnt reach out to you the first two months? Im just not sure if I should reach out to him if he doesnt reach out to me the first few months. I dont want to pressure him in any way.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I lost my father two weeks ago and recently blocked off contact with a casual relationship due to realizing I was trying to cling to avoid feeling grief. I dont know what to say other than tread lightly and just be there for him (with open eyes). In all honestly I am still in the denial stage. I have had loss before and am worried that I may not actually start grieving

and accepting the loss until months out. In sayin that and previously being through a loss, I know that now is not the right time to get into a relationship. It would be wrong on all levels. I only recognize this thought bc I have been through loss. If not, I probably would be in a relationship for comfort sake.

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  • 2 months later...

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. Last summer my mom had a stroke and passed 3 weeks later. My bf was so good with me. He was patient, kind, and supportive. We stayed together. He was my rock. I leaned on him, I think, a little too much. Fast forward to two months ago, his father had a heart attack and passed a week later. He's been very distant. Doesn't want much interaction from me. Is never home. I'm having such a hard time dealing with it. I'm trying to be supportive bc I know everyone grieves in their own way but I'm finding it much harder to cope with the way he's handling his grief. He made it look so easy when I was, and still am, grieving. I feel like it has put such a damper on our relationship. We argue all the time bc hes never home. Hes out all night and sleeps all day. (Is not working right now) But I continue to pull through to try to be supportive and be there for him bc we love each other. I try to give him his space but I think I relied on him a little too much when my mother passed and I'm taking his distance too personal. I need to back off a little. I'm working on it. I think we'll pull through. I'm hoping we do.

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