after 10 months NC, my ex talks to me after I've ignored her the whole time.

nearly a year ago exactly, my ex broke up with me. For the next two months, we continued to hang out and be intimate as I tried to make things right and prove that I wanted to be with her and would no longer neglect our relationship as I had grown to do.

slowly over those two months, she grew more distant. She would ignore my texts and attempts to hang out with her. She would continue to tell me she was confused but that she still loved me. That we needed a break but she didn't think it was the end of us forever. That since we had been together for 4 years maybe we need to date other people to see what it was like. I cried, I bought gifts, but never did ANYTHING negative that I knew I would regret.

Finally her neglect for me over those two months became too much for me, and I could sense that I was truly losing her. I wrote her a letter spilling everything out to her that I had never really told her. Throughout our relationship I had always put up a front of not really overly emotionally invested in our relationship. I wanted her to have as much freedom as possible, so I wouldn't put too much pressure on her, because that has messed up every "relationship" that I had been in formerly. She interpreted this nonchalant attitude as me not caring about her. Sure, I took her out and bought her gifts on all of the important days. Yes, our sex life was always great. But, I didn't do the small things like tell her how much I LOVED her. So, I put all of this into a letter and emailed it to her.

She tells me that the letter was everything she's ever dreamed of me telling her, but basically now she doesn't know if she wants it. And that she's seeing some one else and feels like she HAS to do this. All of the while she keeps telling me that she doesn't think we're over forever, and she needs time to process all of this. I immediately went NC, hoping she would come around.

She continued to date this other guy, and would text me occasionally for the first couple months about insignificant things, and I would always ignore. I then de-friended her on facebook and she sent me a message within an hour showing anger that I did that. I didn't respond. She texted me on my birthday in April and I ignored it. Her birthday rolled around in August and I ignored it.

I've made no attempt to contact her for the last 8 months, and we hadn't seen each other for the last 10 months. I've been doing all that I can to try to move on. I've gone to counseling, I've started Lexapro, and I've seen other girls, among other things. I avoid places where she might be, and never bring her up in conversation when I run into her friends. I have been living as if she doesn't exist.

Anyway, last wednesday I was at my usual wednesday bar. This is a bar that I would never imagine her coming to, but a place where I frequently see one of her male friends with his girlfriend. I always say Hi to him and usually keep it moving. I saw him this particular night and thought nothing of it. Then later on in the night I find out that she is there. My first reaction was to leave, but my friends talked me out of that, so I just decided that I would act like she wasn't there. It's not like that would be inconsistent with my behavior over the last ten months, right?

So at one point I walked out to a friend's car, and had to walk past her to get out of the front door. She turned away as I passed, but I didn't make any attempt to get her attention anyway. I guess she thought that I had left for good, because within a few minutes she texted me for the first time since April saying, "i know we were in the same place tonight, it would be really cool if we could at least acknowledge each other and say hello." I ignored again.

We went back into the bar and I saw that she was still there. But I still decided that I shouldn't talk to her. I didn't really see any point in communicating with her. I feel as if I've told her everything I need to say months ago. So, I'm sitting down talking to a couple of friends, I've made it pretty obvious to her that I will not be talking to her. Closing time for the bar is inching near. As I'm talking to my friends, I see some people walking up on us. I look over my shoulder and it's my ex along with two of her female friends. She says, "hey."

In my head I've been going over everything I would say in this situation for months. I've been imagining telling telling her that I have nothing else to say to her. I've imagined telling her that it was her decision to have me out of her life and I don't want anything to do with her. --But I've also wanted nothing more than to be back in a relationship with her. I also imagine our lives together. I imagine looking into her eyes on our wedding day, etc.

So, here she is hovering over me and my two friends standing next to her two friends. I've never been the person to make a scene. So I said "hey," and stood up to talk to her. It was awkward at first, and she introduced me to her friend that I had never met. And then we just started talking. It felt incredible, but I also knew that it was probably going to be a fleeting feeling. We talked for a few minutes about some insignificant things, then the bar started to close so we had to walk out. She kept asking me to hug her. I couldn't resist. She asked in the middle of our conversation and again when we parted ways outside the bar.

I kept it cool and didn't mention anything about anything serious. She brought up how she had texted me earlier and how I defriended her on facebook and I brushed them off. As far as I know, she's still with the guy she was dating shortly after we broke up, but he wasn't there and he wasn't brought up in conversation.

It felt good while I was talking to her, but as I feared, now it's killing me. I spent so much energy trying to remove her from my life. I made it more than obvious that I didn't want to talk to her, but I felt like she almost forced me to talk to her by walking up on me in front of so many people. I've been trying to put a wall between us for 10 months now, and I feel like she just tore it down and now she's on top again. Part of me felt like maybe if she wanted to talk to me that bad, after I had repeatedly ignored her, then maybe she had something important that she needed to tell me. But now I just feel like she just needed to make sure I didn't hate her.

I would've much preferred for her to have no idea how I feel about her. I was starting to feel so good after the months of silence between us. Now I feel like I'm back at the start.

The next day I talked to some of my friends that were at the bar about it. They said that she had talked to them about talking to me all night. Even one of her friends told me that she was nervous about talking to me all night. She knew I was going to be there before she came, and has known for months that it's not a coincidence that we never see each other at bars.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is because like an idiot I'm probably searching for some one to tell me she's interested. Or maybe I'm searching for some one to squash my hopes and bring me back to reality. I just have no idea why she would be so insistent on talking to me after I've made it blatantly obvious that I didn't want to talk.

I'm afraid that for her it was just an opportunity to talk to an old friend, and to make sure she wasn't hated. For me it was so much more, and I hate that. If we run into each other again, I'm wondering if I should just straight up tell her, "my life is going really good right now and I'm trying to move forward. Not trying to be rude, but I'd rather not risk stirring up old feelings if there's no need to."

I don't know how to approach it. On one hand, if I say that, I feel like it will let her know that I still have feelings and that she still has me on the backburner whenever she wants it. I also don't want her to think that we're friends now and everything is cool between us. Ugh I don't know how to explain this. I could go months without hearing from her again, so it could be totally insignificant.

Does anyone have any advice on this situation? Anyone think it's weird that she would go to such lengths to talk to me after 8 months of no contact? did I handle it in a way that would be favorable to lead to a possible reconciliation?

I'd really be interested in getting a female's perspective on this. Let me know if I'm fishing for something that isn't there. If I'm leaving anything out that would help, just ask please.

thanks.

Damn man, you got nerves of steel. I wouldn't read too much into it. As you say, maybe she just wants to know that you don't hate her. She had a lot invested in this relationship and I'm sure she still misses you like crazy - but if you read around these forums, you'll see that's not nearly enough.

Honestly man, since you still have feelings for her, I would go about your business like you have been. If you see her, make nice, cut the convo short and move on with whatever you're doing. If she wants to get back together with you, she will probably keep contacting you and feeling you out. But you don't know if she's with this other, what her motivation to run into you are, etc.

If I were to venture a guess I'd say her new romance failed and now she's thinking about you again. However, this is just speculation, and I don't want to give you false hopes. Don't go around digging for info about her relationship etc, you've played it very cool, and I think you should keep doing that. I would normally say go LC if she contacts you again, however I'm afraid that'll ruin all your hard work. If you think you can handle it, I think it could be advantageous.

I say for now don't contact her at all, if she initiates again then take it from there as you see fit. Or report back, and let the peanut gallery try and help

I would just keep doing what you were doing, if she continues to reach out to you then ask her what her intentions are.

The thing is, it hurts him to do what he is doing.

The curiosity of her motives is killing him.

I know it sucks, but there is nothing else he can really do.

Like MakeItCount said.....Just keep doing what you have been doing and get on with your life. If she wants to get back together, she will have to make more of an effort than this since she was the dumper. Your situation is alot like mine, even though I have not run into mine yet and don't want to. My first reaction would be to leave, as yours was. Personally, I could not get back together with someone anyway, after they have been with someone else.

Thanks for all of the responses so far. Pretty much what I had expected.

I just keep wondering if all of the progress that I've made has been lost by this friendly contact...

I spent so much energy trying to get her out of my life and I feel like she just kinda crushed it all and got the better of me. I don't know...

I tell ya TryingVeryHard. I haven't seen my ex in a public place since we broke up and I wonder how I could and would take it. One thing for sure is your no coward. I think anyone that runs into someone at a social place (bar, pub, diner, mall etc) and just turns around and walks out is scared to move on. You did the exact opposite and I think it got to her that she seen you were ok with being in the same place as her and not worried about it.

I had a comparable experience last spring, and I kinda-sorta wondered the same things. I haven't heard from her since, and I'd be surprised if I ever did.

Others have said (and I agree) that they'll seek you out in situations like that purely to relieve their own sense of guilt. They want you to come accross as perfectly OK, because, to them, that means they didn't do anything wrong. They absolve themselves. In other words, it's still all about her, and I doubt she cares about anything other than herself and that other guy.

Unless she steps up a lot more than that, go forward, man, and don't look back.

You don't need to beat up on yourself because your feelings got stirred up. For God's sake, your incredible self-control for those 10 months shows that you have the stuff man. None of this texting, Facebooking crap for you. You also had the cajones to sit at the bar KNOWING YOUR EX WAS THERE AND WAIT FOR HER TO COME TO YOU! Good God man, you are my hero. Your story reads like romantic thriller (well maybe I'm stretching a bit!) screenplay! All that's missing is the HAPPY ENDING.

I think the stars are in your favor Trying. This will get me beat up no doubt...but women do NOT give the best rel/ship advice IMHO. Women are fairly ruled by their emotions (except for my ex hahahaha), and bless them, but trust me on this one. You are doing everything right as far as I can tell. All I can say is, after she makes another move towards you (and she seems like she will) you can take a baby step towards her...

So would it have been more favorable for me to decline speaking to her?

I've read here many times that it's best to present yourself as confident and moving on... That's what I was trying to do.

I feel so pissed off that it may have been just a way for her to relieve some guilt.

I don't understand how she could assume everything between us is fine and friendly if I've been ignoring her for months up to and including that night.

She's not a dumb person, could she really be that naive?

Thanks for all of the responses so far. Pretty much what I had expected.

 

I just keep wondering if all of the progress that I've made has been lost by this friendly contact...

 

I spent so much energy trying to get her out of my life and I feel like she just kinda crushed it all and got the better of me. I don't know...

I think you did great, you didn't break down, and you were friendly, you played it perfectly. The only thing though would be to stop trying to get over her, when you focus on it, it will never happen. Just go out and have fun, do stuff for you, and eventually you will just naturally move on.

So would it have been more favorable for me to decline speaking to her?

No, of course not. You don't ignore civil people in public.

I've read here many times that it's best to present yourself as confident and moving on... That's what I was trying to do.

You did exactly the right thing.

I feel so pissed off that it may have been just a way for her to relieve some guilt.

There's a very good chance that that's precisely what she was doing. If you're pleasant and composed, then she releases herself from responsibility -- 'cause there was no harm done after all. If you're still acrimonious and bitter, then she releases herself from responsibility anyway -- turns out it was "all your fault."

I don't understand how she could assume everything between us is fine and friendly if I've been ignoring her for months up to and including that night.

 

She's not a dumb person, could she really be that naive?

Um, yes, she could.

I tell ya TryingVeryHard. I haven't seen my ex in a public place since we broke up and I wonder how I could and would take it. One thing for sure is your no coward. I think anyone that runs into someone at a social place (bar, pub, diner, mall etc) and just turns around and walks out is scared to move on. You did the exact opposite and I think it got to her that she seen you were ok with being in the same place as her and not worried about it.

First to the OP, your story is amazing. It shows me how to deal with any situation if I ever run into my ex. Thank you for posting your story.

Bill, you're exactly right. That's what I would have done. I would of just walked out if my ex came into the store or bar or whatever place. It's not that I'm scared to move on. I just don't want to deal with his excuse, lies, or whatever act he can come up with.

Then again, the OP taught me a valuable lesson.

LOL And that is, act confident in person, but go back to NC so you can be healed and answer to your ex if they want you back.

i think you have nothing to regret right now. maybe if something similar happens again keep the convo even shorter, excuse yourself and don't give in to the hug thing. i think you have made more progress then you give yourself credit for. you may feel down for a few days but soon you will be back to business as usual. i won't speculate because who knows why she did what she did. you poured your heart out and she made her decision. now she misses out. hope you are feeling better soon.

Well, I guess I got my answer to the question regarding how her relationship is going. Yesterday I was checking Facebook, and one of her friends that I'm still friends with on there posted a picture of my ex and her boyfriend, arms around each other, big smiles on their faces, in front of a Christmas tree.

My mouth tasted like metal, and I felt like I wanted to puke.

I've felt like I've been in the anger phase of grief for a while now, but after seeing that and after wondering for weeks if our encounter meant anything, I now feel a new level of anger. Almost hatred.

Why wouldn't she just allow me to ignore her like I wanted?? I can't stand this feeling of hating some one, but at the same time allowing them to have so much impact on my own feelings.

I feel crazy for letting my brain STILL hope that someday we end up together. I feel pathetic for it.

I'm really wondering if I should just say, "I'd rather not talk to you," if we encounter each other again.. I feel like an idiot at this point for asking if that would hurt my chances of reconciliation. It's been a year now, why can't I get over this?

I think you handled it really well. Your NC has been working to allow you to move on. She's dating other people. You ran into her, and SHE made a fool of herself hovering around you, just to get a response out of you. I don't see that as a failure. She backed you into a corner, and you did the polite and civil thing. That's a stand up thing you did. Now, go back to total NC. You'll be back to where you were in no time.

If she continues to initiate contact, and you do want her back, let her squirm a while with NC and come back here. There's too many future details to cover what may happen with a blanket answer.

i'm sorry man.. when i found out my ex was with someone else so soon after we broke up, i felt the same way.. just disgust.. but it allowed me to move on, because i never wanted to be with her again after seeing that..

hopefully now this has given you the resolve you need to put that chapter behind you and move on with your life.

Well, I guess I got my answer to the question regarding how her relationship is going. Yesterday I was checking Facebook, and one of her friends that I'm still friends with on there posted a picture of my ex and her boyfriend, arms around each other, big smiles on their faces, in front of a Christmas tree.

 

I'm really wondering if I should just say, "I'd rather not talk to you," if we encounter each other again.. I feel like an idiot at this point for asking if that would hurt my chances of reconciliation. It's been a year now, why can't I get over this?

I think you need to choose to move on now. Even if you just message her "It's time for me to move on and for us to stop talking. Good luck." Or something ... but you need something really final that will stop allowing you to have even an inkling of hope.

Well, I guess I got my answer to the question regarding how her relationship is going. Yesterday I was checking Facebook, and one of her friends that I'm still friends with on there posted a picture of my ex and her boyfriend, arms around each other, big smiles on their faces, in front of a Christmas tree.

Facebook is evil when it comes to relationships and break ups. I miss the old days before facebook, internet dating and texting - none of which are helpful in the wake of a break up.

My mouth tasted like metal, and I felt like I wanted to puke.

Yup, I've had this kind of visceral reaction. I am in a band with my ex and he brought a new love interest to one of our shows, they were canoodling where anyone could see (mind you, this was now almost two years ago) and I was shaking like a leaf, such humiliation. Anger. Self-condemnation. That night truly sucked and I had to perform on stage.

I've felt like I've been in the anger phase of grief for a while now, but after seeing that and after wondering for weeks if our encounter meant anything, I now feel a new level of anger. Almost hatred.

I think maybe this level of feeling may help you with moving on. I don't know, but I can only hope.

Why wouldn't she just allow me to ignore her like I wanted?? I can't stand this feeling of hating some one, but at the same time allowing them to have so much impact on my own feelings.

Because for her, it is not as big a deal. She has someone new and you are still licking your wounds over her. It sucks, trust me, I know. We all give our exes WAY too much power and this is something you can work on by being good to yourself, reading uplifting books, practicing self-love and doing things and hanging with people that make you feel GOOD. She's just a struggling human like the rest of us. Take her off the pedestal and bring her down a few notches in your mind. Try to have compassion for her if at all possible, and try to let her go in your heart with love. Sounds kinda schmaltzy and preachy but I think it works if you work at it.

I feel crazy for letting my brain STILL hope that someday we end up together. I feel pathetic for it. This is how we all feel, really there are very few people on this board who don't hold out hope and who don't kick themselves and feel pathetic. It's just a human thing, there's not a lot we can do about it except continue to ACCEPT the situation, try to live the best life you can without this particular person in your life, let time work it's magic and heal our wounds.

I'm really wondering if I should just say, "I'd rather not talk to you," if we encounter each other again.. I feel like an idiot at this point for asking if that would hurt my chances of reconciliation. It's been a year now, why can't I get over this?

You can't get over it because you are human, and romantic rejection is probably the worst feeling in life. Eventually you WILL get over it. For some people (including myself) it can be worse than losing a parent. I am of the camp that says "fake it till you make it". Don't tell her you can't talk to her. If/when you see her in public, you will feel better in the future if you are civil, polite and even friendly - but keep it brief. Never let 'em see you sweat, is my motto. Why give her an ego boost after one whole year? You're better than that and someday this will all be a distant memory. You don't want to have regrets about the way you behaved one year later and the best way to do that is to take the high road and put on your poker face. Smile like you haven't a worry in the world, engage in light banter and then just walk away. You'll be fine. I have to do this all the time and it isn't easy but I don't have another choice unless i leave the group entirely.

When I read that you saw a picture of her with her current BF,arms around each other,Trust me when I tell you that I too got the same feeling as you did.It's like I could see my ex with whomever she's with and I am not waiting to actually see a picture of her with another guy,I rather start moving now..

I realize your angry and so would I upon seeing something like that.but you handled that night really well and now I know what to do when my time comes up to perform.

My anger helps me to move on.

OP - just want to let you know you're not alone.

Here is a link to my saga that went down a few weeks before your interaction.

Be strong! We will both make it through this!!

Wow. I know exactly how you feel. My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago...and even though I only had 1 month of total NC going by the end, I was finally starting to see things clearer and be ok even though I still love her very much. She then calls me out of nowhere and starts pouring her heart out to me..and I can't help but be cold because she was still with her rebound and suspected he just wasn't giving her enough attention (and I had also written her an email asking her NOT to contact me and my guard wasn't up because, like a fool, I trusted her enough to follow through with at least that) and she tried contacting me two more times after that but no dice. I know the feeling afterwards. You feel horrible, at the start all over again, your defenses all torn down, you can't see the logic anywhere, and you don't know how she truly feels every moment. I had to start NC again and am on day 7...I suggest you do the same, my friend. If she wants you back, she'll make the effort and it'll be obvious then. Stay strong...keep moving on, you got through the worst before, you can do it again.

We all cling to hope my friend, dont beat yourself up over that, it is only natural. Our mind tells us to move on and that is the right thing to do, but our heart, well we all know what that keeps hoping for....and we all want to believe that would come true....even one day down the road.

You did amazingly for 8 months - I only hope I have that same strength. You know you have done it once, this time you know what to expect next time around, it is not easy but take the small piece of daylight from this and it could be your closure you need.

You're so strong, I'm pretty amazed frankly. Keep it up, you'll get through this. Sucks the ex jumped to another guy straight away, rebound much? Anyway keep on heading forwards, you'll find sb better in the future for sure.