New job offer - high anxiety - need more help/advice please

Hello again Enotaloners

I'm feeling really anxious at the moment, freaking out almost, and can't think straight. I'd really appreciate some input from the good people on the forum. I've already posted on this but this is an update really with more info. and I really need more support.

Last Thursday morning, I was offered a job in London. I asked the woman who would be my boss if I could have one or two days to think about it. She asked if I could let her know the next day as she had promised all the candidates that she would contact them before the end of the week. I said I would. Well, this is a huge move for me. i'm 47 and have no real friends or family to speak of and I suffer quite badly at times from anxiety adn have also experienced depression.

As I don't live in London, I needed to think about the long-term. Commuting for the short-term and if I could manage this (it will be about 2 hours door-to-door each way) and if I was happy to move to London after a couple of months.

Well, I felt very stressed about it all and couldn't really come to a decision. So the next day (Friday) morning I rang her and told her that I really needed more time and really wanted the weekend. She replied that she would have hoped that most people coming to an interview would have already thought all this through being applying. I replied that the reality of being offered the job and all that entailed had caused an emotional response that I hadn't expected. I've been living where I am currently for 20 years and although I lived in London a long time ago for a short time, I still have to consider the new job properly - travel, where to live etc. She replied let's see how you feel at 4pm today.

Well, I felt really stressed and couldn't stop crying. At 4pm I rang her and said that there were lots of things I liked about the job and the organisation, but I felt that I couldn't come to a 100% firm decision and so it was best for her to ring her next chosen candidate. she replied - "that's not fair, you're our chosen candidate so take the weekend if you need it, but it had better be a firm yes on Monday". and then she muttered that this was a bit of a joke.

I rang her this morning to say that I was pleased to firmly accept the offer and she started by saying "I've had time to think over the weekend and realise that if you're on probationary period of 6 months you wont be able to buy a flat in that time and you might have to rent". (I thought by the way she started that she was going to withdraw the offer of employment). i said that ideally I didn't want to rent and that I would therefore look to buy at the end of the 6 months. She said that she really neede me to be committed to service delivery and being there to see clients and she wanted to finalise everything as soon as possible. I said that i thought I'd demonstrated my commitment as I was considering the post carefully and also had suggested taht I come up for a handover. so we agreed that we would go ahead with a contract and a start date of 4 Jan.

the organisation stipulates that employees should not live further away than 30 miles unless it is agreed before the offer of employment. Now, I understand that because it is a long commute.

I guess I'm posting because I feel like she put me under a lot of pressure and I'm hoping that she's not a horrible to person to work for. That really scares me. I talked to my previous manager who I still have some contact with and she said that she took 4 days to come to a decision about one of her jobs and said I wasn't being unreasonable.

Also, I feel hugely anxious about it all. Will I cope wiht the commute? Will I be able to find somewhere to live? will I be happy in the new job? Will I be happy in London? what if I feel really isolated? what if I can't cope with everything?

I've been trying to find a new job nearer to where I live but there are hardly any well-paid jobs here. so, I had to start applying in different locations and this one is in a part of london which is not as far away from my current location as most of the rest of london. My current job is extremely badly paid and the sector as a whole is now very uncertain. My partner and I split up 15 months ago so I really have to move on and out of the flat we still own together. but I can only do this with a decent paying job wiht prospects and a pension.

Any advice, thoughts please......I really need some input to help me calm down tonight. thank you.

Gosh I can just feel your angst and worry over this decision I myself, am a chronic worrier, so I can sympathize. It is certainly alot to weigh out......what is your gut feeling?? And how long do you have until you have to be out of the home you own with your ex?

hello Freedomring - thank you for replying. I'm not too sure what my gut feeling is....I think it is that I have done the right thing and I should gofor it. I think taht I will have to look to leave the flat some time during the first half of the new year. there is no pressure from my ex at all...in fact he's been supportive. But I know that I can't go on like this indefinitely. I have been here for several months in any case and I have to move on. I don't have a life at the moment...it's just work, the gym. yoga, and home. that's it. But I'm soooo scared.

Also, I keep thinking that maybe I haven't made the right decision. I'm so confused.

I really hope that she is not a tyrant. I hope that she doesn't make my life difficult. She sadi that she thought I should have thought things through before coming for the interview when in fact she should really have thought things through also before offering me the job.

Ok - are you presently working?? Do you normally get this paranoid when meeting new ppl or starting a new job? To some degree I think it's normal to have some worry about the boss-employee relationship, but you seem to have a bit more......"hope she doesn't make my life difficult", "hope she is not a tyrant", etc.... based on your assumptions, it seems like you have to have a very positive vibe from someone immediately in order for you to feel comfortable with them? If that is the case, then I would say maybe it was not the right decision. Sometimes we have a habit of creating the exact situation in which we fear due to our own paranoia and fears...

I too get these kind of worries. I have a quote beside my desk at work that helps:

"Good decisions are made by trying stuff out, not in the vacuum of naval gazing"

Will you be unhappy if it doesn't work out? Ya, but you will find something else. The issue here is not whether it will be work out, but how you need to learn to cope with these worries. You will be able to face anything that comes your way because you are more than prepared. Try to take things in stride and cut back on the worrying, if u can.

Oh Emma thank you for your considered and logical viewpoint - I think it's what I needed and it even made me smile, so thank you for that too. I guess if it does all go wrong it won't be the end of the world and I will find something.

Freedomring - do I really come accross like that? i mean paranoid etc. I was really freaking out yesterday and having a real anxiety attack.

Yes, I am working at the moment - I've been in the same place for three years. I guess I am extremely sensitive person, and although I have almost always had a good relationship with bosses in the past, in my last job (I was there 10 years part-time and freelancing the rest of the time), when my boss left the new one was just awful. She worked in the same office as the rest of the team and the atmosphere was awful - she was rude to your face - and she used to disappear to the shops/the bank and write personal letters during office time. I think she wanted us all to leave even though it was a really good team. I found it intolerable being in the same office as her so I left. And then slowly but surely the rest of the team also went. I guess this has made me super cautious and if there is a hint of someone being a bully or just not very nice to work with then I immediately hone in on it. I've read aswell that there is a real problem in the workplace here in the UK with bullying and stress and I don't want this for me.

But I guess sometimes it's difficult to make that call, and yes, maybe I am being a bit paranoid because the boss at my last place really made me begin to feel ill. I'm not sure what you mean though:

. "Sometimes we have a habit of creating the exact situation in which we fear due to our own paranoia and fears..." Could you please explain that.....?