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Where to Meet a Date - For Introverts


Lonewing

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I bet this thread is overdone, but...well, there's no reason we can't do it again. We' were jsut having this discussion buried in another thread about something entirely unrelatd, and it is a good question.

 

Where do introverts find dates, given we don't do the bar/club scene for obvious reasons [those people eat people like us alive] and we can't exactly walk up to people like ourselves and ask them out in bookstores or any random place [we assume to other is creepy, or somehow scare ourselves all the more against that person].

 

Now I have heard it said we need to do activities where we expand our social arrangements, but I'm not exactly seeing anything prodictive here. For instance, we could join a sporting club, but for an person like me, I don't enjoy sports, and if I was just to get a date, I'd be playing on false pretence - and in short, the relationship isn't going to last because one of us is lying about who we really are.

 

I've been giving online dating a shot - and OkCupid seems to be a good avenue here in the states. Craigslist - stay away, it's a bunch of scammers and * * * * * * . Seriously! I posted one ad, and netted six read SIX scammer replies in two hours. The women posting are playing a differnet game - the "have fun and then never call again" game...so, that's my take on it thus far.

 

Anyone have better options for all of us introverts out here? Because there are a lot of us, and you know where to find us! We just aren't too good at finding each other!!!

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What are your interests? I'm sure you have hobbies that you could possibly join groups? Volunteer organizations will be an excellent place to get to know people. Sometimes you do have to network through non-dating oriented mindset. The more people you know, the more you expose yourself and start to feel comfortable talking to others, over time someone will notice you or you notice others.

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Because there are a lot of us, and you know where to find us! We just aren't too good at finding each other!!!

 

Did you just answer your own question? Why not ask other extroverts on where to find introverts? Since looking for introverts is often like looking for a needle in the haystack, it helps to find those who take notice of needles.

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Haha. I know how you feel. I'm a bit of an introvert. And honestly? It... doesn't bother me AS MUCH as it did before.

I learned to just relax, and if things happen, they happen.

For instance, I'm always at the library, or at a bookstore or just doing anything that's alone time for me. I see cute guys all the time, and they see me.

Before it'd bother me because I'd want to talk to them so bad, but then i thought whats the point, i dont want to creep them out.

 

I don't know. For me, I'm just kind of not letting it get to me.

 

Or, ask your friends to help you out. You know, networking meeting friends of friends etc. But I totally see what you are saying.

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Did you just answer your own question? Why not ask other extroverts on where to find introverts? Since looking for introverts is often like looking for a needle in the haystack, it helps to find those who take notice of needles.

 

Haha, it's DOOMED from the start!!! I don't think the extroverts are going to help us here, because all they know are extrovert activities!! Instant solution - we all need to become Extroverts and do extrovert things! ...aha, exactly!!!

 

All right, Zeppelin...this letting things "just happen," that's good. I will say this, it's very rare that I have ever been creeped out by an attractive woman [who I've already myself noticed, as in, one look was not enough!]. It's also not a long list of questions that proceed from "[comments about what's on the shelf]" to "[you want coffee?]."

 

I'm not entirely enthused about what my friends may suggest. I've read about it - it can lead to dates which basically consist of "He's single, you're single, perfect!"

 

Too bad we can't just wear big signs all the time..."hey, you, talk to me!!' haha!

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Have you tried organized religion?? I find that some religious orders encourage "introverted" members to take part in religious activities. I worked in Southern Utah and since it was remote area, the local Mormons' encouraged my crew to come and take part in one of their celebrations. Say what you want about the "saints" but I was amazed at the beauty of their women. Had no chance in hell but you might.

 

I find that my introverted friends tend to find their SO's rather quickly and so far none have divorced or suffered a breakup. Just my observation. Good luck with your search.

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hehehe...I have about as much luck with a religious group as would a snowflake in hell. I'm educated - aka, heavy science! Which means my religion is Agnosticism, bording closer on Atheism than Theism or Deism.

 

We are very good at hiding, and we make it even more difficult by being freaked out when we are approached - ugh.

 

Well, I'm going to dinner soon. There's a restaurant I like, my waitress is pretty cute, the steaks are good, it was payday today!

 

I'm not too upset about my predicament either, because like I've said, the online dating route has gone a lot better for me than any other way I've ever tried. I've now had 4 dates in two months, and that 4 more dates than I ever had before the first ex. I'm getting better at this - it requires practice, which seems to be the difficult part for other introverts to grasp. We don't get good automatically, we get good by practicing social unawkwardness! Secretly, though, I do believe I'd really appreciate someone who was as equally socially awkward as me - we'd get each other on a level no one else does!

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lonewing, you have a good point, if anyone wants to try to find a person in a religious group that's fine but they frown heavily on anyone who espouses a truth that doesn't involve jesus.

 

However I find it interesting that you have had 4 dates. Wow. I haven't been able to get one. Before and after my ex. Maybe it's the alcohol and the late night but it makes me want to cry to go up and talk to women and ask them out. Yeah probably the alcohol lol

 

Online dating sucks unless you have a fat fetish or happen to have some magic ability to attract women. Groups are alright, if the girls aren't single then you're just screwed and wasted your time.

 

Problem is I know a lot of guys who are looking at marriage. They just kinda gave up and settled because they can't do any better. One of my friends used to work with me and find ladies. He was so depressed all the time he went back to his ex. The same can't be said for me unless I promise my ex a ring and a walk down the isle.

 

My advice? Settle and marry quick. Otherwise suffer the depression and terrible luck of being single in a world where shy people are kicked when they are down.

 

Seriously. It doesn't get better. By the time you turn 35 and the good looking women want to marry, they are just done sleeping with 30+ guys and realize that it's just not going to happen any more and decided to settle as well. Settle and merry before you have to suffer.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'd rather wait until I'm 30 and marry a woman who's mind is made up, versus run young and marry a woman who's mind is not yet made. For once she makes it, it's the easiest time to discover she's in the wrong relationship, that she WANTS to have those 30 notches in ehr bed post, that she's changed in an irreconcilable manner. No, better single than scarred for life by a foul woman!

 

My area has been good for finding dates - I'm using OKcupid; it's free and the reviews/ratings are good. A dating site created by two mathematicians, not psychologists or date gurus. Basically, it's like facebook - invented by nerds to take over the world! Tere is a bit of mathematics to consider, though. For ever ten messages I send out, I might get a reply to one. It's probably more reliable to say 1:20-25 is a good ratio. From there, you might get a responsive date 1:2 or 1:4. I hate to say it, but getting girls interested is almost as bad as sending junkmail to houses - the response rate is almost identical! My uncle runs a mail shop and based upon past projects, no matter how big or small the mailing is, he experiences a 3-5% return rate on any junkmailer he sends out. Number one, you will have to do well with written communication - the girls on the dating sites control the ropes, most are foolish or unfamiliar with the turf and sit and wait: no doubt, they are overwhelmed with the message flow [i bet their mailboxes fill up in a week] and thus not all that entralled with the experience. There are some girls who have taken the initiative, some out of livelihood [they'd perish if they didn't initiate contact] and a couple who have become wise enough to do their own searching. good pictures are a must, so work onyour visual presentation, find someone who takes good pictures, and have them take a couple -

 

I do think you have to be a little tempered in your mind what constitutes "fat." There are indeed quite a few girls who have a couple extra they'd love to hide but can't - but it's not like walking next to a hippopotamus or a small shade tree. Give em the right kind of love [reinforcing the positives, encouraging behavior that diminishes the negatives], they'll lose the weight! ALL humans can gain or lose weight at any time, once they get control of their caloric balance [fat in = fat out, 2000 Calories in = 2000 Calories out just to stay even, OR weight gain!], it's really as simple as that! My ex, once she put her mind to really wanting to live healthier, made great strides in reining in her previously hideous figure. I met her when she was about 195, when she left me she was about 150, and that's not the wosrt of it - about a year before she met me, she was closer to 295...yes, she showed me the picture, and that was indeed a picture that scared me! The point is, though, it can be done!

 

My goal is to Settle and marry SMART. I'd much prefer the depresison of being single to the depression of being pinned under a woman I don't even feel much about in the first place because I got her out of convienience. And if you think it's terrible luck to be single in this world of shy people, try image being single and divorced, with three kids upon which you owe child support, to a woman you can't stand giving your hard earned pay. And then no woman wants to date you or give you the time of day because, well, you have babymammadrama.

 

THere's this one chick who's been clawing at me this last week for something casual, but...I'm resolved in my heart that going there for me is a bad idea, going there with her is a bad idea, and going there in general, casually, is simply a bad idea altogether! It's bound to lead to an even greater loneliness vaccum on the other side of the relationship once it's over. No, I don't want to be one of those 30 notches on some girl's bedpost! Hopefully Friday goes well - this one's smart...

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Have you informed your friends - male and female, especially those of them in relationships, so they can let their single lady friends know that you are interested in meeting new girls/women?

 

Also, I have never MET a date. A date has always been what may come to mind as a proceeding step after I feel good vibes around a girl I met and am just getting to know and who I feel attracted to. This, I believe, is something that is only learned by experience. You are likely an introvert around the females because you have them on a high pedestal, instead of just as people. I see that as evident by the thread title alone.

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The first principle about true introverts is that they do no$t have many friends - and fewer still the peopel they confide in.

 

Myself speaking, I do not trust the general population - and for good reason! Their intentions are often a bit shallow, forced, pretentious, or outright fake. I finished reading a book today on how to stop being nice - and I realized it meant replacing genuine honest niceness with underhanded covert niceness! NO THANKS!!! and the other books, on dating, where even worse - perhaps they are good for picking up a momentary fling, but absolutely horrible for sustaining a real relationship! Their principles would have created a facade by which the long term picture becomes ever more impossible the more the target learns the truth - that she was picked up by a genuine person, but by someone who manipulated her. No good!

 

I said I don't trust them for good reason, and it is becasue years of experiencing their preferred kind of behavior [amusement and delight at someone else in torture, in essence] means any weakness they precieve now, they'll use later when they get bored. And they ALWAYS get bored!! I would not trust a single one of my introverted friends to them, and I would not trust anyone they introduced me to...but that is the people I live with day to day, and I'm not too coy to make any of them serious long term friends...

 

Meeting dates has turned out to be not all that bad. It's almost fun, even if there is a little let down when things don't work out, it's far more probably that a date will turn into something longer versus the prior alternative - doing nothing! Of these dates, perhaps none of them do turn into somehting long term, but in the short term, there is the potential for new friends. And that's always a good thing for introverts!!

 

They may be on a pedastal, but then, I am on one too! And that pedastal requires that I consider a relationship not just in terms of what I get, but in terms of what they get, and in the potential of the relationship not working out, what they might have to deal with later. If a girl has issues [keeps company who does drugs, talks a lot about morbid things, works and lives on the very opposite side of town, has a strong commitment to worship] I know that will make it nigh on the impossible to be serious with long term, I won't even date her short term beyond the first date. Harsh, perhaps, but it's far better than pretending to be with her for four or six or fifteen months and then dumping her. And far better than getting a couple years along and realizing we have irreconcilable differences which simply cannot be resolved [iE, if she's into swinging, and I'm resolutely monogomous]

 

My aim indeed is a person on a high pedastal because then I am standing eye to eye with my equal. These are people who have done great things, but they have as of yet found that one person - and they deserve to be with a truly great person in return. My restraints in the past have mainly been due to my period of unrest throughout college - it took me a long time to level out on a good, stable course. Now that I'm level, I see that which is also level, attainable!

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The answer to finding a mate isn't a clear cut "Do this and you shall be married" quip.

 

I can however offer a few bits of enlightening advice.

 

The best place to meet introverts are places that they have to go to - such as work and school, or meeting them through friends.

 

It's easy enough to say "I want to be married by the time I'm 30", but you have to be careful. The best way is to try to find someone a few years before hand so you can develop a serious and caring relationship and then take it to the next level by the time you're 30.

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The other place we tend to hang out - online!

 

Work is a simple no-no, unless they work in a separate division, are not in any subordinante/supervisory role, and not in the same office. These rules might seem self explanatory, but it;s remarkable how many people try and cross the "professional relationship" boundary and flirt with Personal relationship territory.the problems are multiple: first, while in the relaitonship, you are a distraction to each other; if there is ahrdship, your quarrels become office talk and potentially creates a scene, and then if there is a break up one of you almost surely has to leave the job. Any and all of these factors impact the quality o fyour own work and puts added pressure on the workplace around you. This is, at least, my observation. As such, I regard those within my immediate area as family - my sisters, my brohters, my first cousins - and as such, off llimits for dating. I do it out of respect for everyone there.

 

School would be good, except that there is always the looming graduation point, after which one may leave and one may stay. Even if both graduate, the prospects of both people getting good jobs in the same place at same time puts a bit of a damper on a relaitonship - especially if one partner wants to stay in the local area, or the other partner wants to go to a difference far off place. It's even more complicated if one wishes to do grad school. As such, I almost think it'd be better to be with someone who is finished with school - or almsot out - and it's clear where they will be going for hte other person to plan ahead, if the event arrives.

 

Friends would be a good avenue - but it goes back to how many firends we have, the size of our social networks, and the people we trust with our personal information.

 

I'll add a couple words of enlightenment - you'd be shocked by how quickly 30 [40 50, 60?] creeps up on you!!! It's always best to find someone before that mark, but there really is no control within our power to make things happen. Ultimately, it seems the random chance of how things go seems to play a very large factor in everything.

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I'm a pretty big introvert, too; I've never even had a flirtatious conversation with a girl, let alone an actual date. To make matters worse, I'd like to find a girl that's more extroverted, but that's almost impossible, because extroverted girls tend to want guys that aren't so reserved and sort of awkward. I don't really know where to look, though. Seems like everyone I meet is either too young or too old for me. I had a few female friends tell me a while back that they were gonna try to find someone to set me up with, and I was kinda curious to see if anything would come of it, but nothing ever did.

 

I also tried dabbling around on some dating sites a year or two ago, but I just wasn't into the idea. Part of me was too insecure and worried that the people I might communicate with may not be who they claim to be, and honestly, I just didn't want to meet someone that way. I didn't reach out to any girls the sites would match me up to, and the only girls that tried to message me were always the really kinky type (even had a few dominatrix-types writing me). Not exactly sure why I was attracting that kind of girl, but eh...

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ok you go on about others being shallow but maybe jus take a look at what you write here, and on previous posts, it jus comes accross as 'not very nice' and hypocritical...i dont mean to be harsh but us ladies pick up on this and leave well alone. sometimes we jus need to have things pointed out to us - what goes around comes back around and all that...so speak of women in non misogynistic terms and things jus may pick up

 

as for the main thread...i met this guy im dating from OKC and saw him first time today, he was really shy bless him but cos he has high regard for people in general he seems like a decent bloke who i want to invest in and give him my time to open up, even if he seems so traumatised by me, he will run off and i'll never see him again. lol. i think many are finding dating sites a good intro, spesh shy peeps

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What are your interests? I'm sure you have hobbies that you could possibly join groups? Volunteer organizations will be an excellent place to get to know people. Sometimes you do have to network through non-dating oriented mindset. The more people you know, the more you expose yourself and start to feel comfortable talking to others, over time someone will notice you or you notice others.

 

I would like to give some advice to the advice-givers, who freely give advice, without testing their advice first, based on their own, personal experience. My advice is please have your advice tested and ready to share, based on your experience. For example, if you have never volunteered in a volunteer organization before, with women you want to date, then you shouldn't be saying it's a great option, so try it! I have volunteered for some lengthly periods of time in my 20's and 30's and did not find a group of date-able women at these places. It is not much different than a real workplace. If you try to fool a woman into believing you want to network through a non-dating oriented mindset, and if the woman decides she does not like your advances, she can just complain it is sexual harassment, and you can be kicked-out of the place, because you wanted to admire someone special.

I believed I was introverted, until I took an on-line introverted test. It turns-out I was more introverted at work, school, or home,(60%) and less introverted in social situations(40%), with groups I felt comfortable with. I believe on-line, Meet-up groups are the best option for my matching interests. I have joined a couple of them. The drawbacks to the Meet-up groups, is it is not a good way to meet good potential dates, if there is a poor following, few, if no women who show-up you find attractive, for your particular interest group, or Meet-up group.

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hehehe...I have about as much luck with a religious group as would a snowflake in hell. I'm educated - aka, heavy science! Which means my religion is Agnosticism, bording closer on Atheism than Theism or Deism.

 

You too, huh? Yeah, I tried hanging out at a fairly liberal local church but I soon found out that I don't like church any more than I did when I was a kid!

 

We are very good at hiding, and we make it even more difficult by being freaked out when we are approached - ugh.

 

Well, I'm going to dinner soon. There's a restaurant I like, my waitress is pretty cute, the steaks are good, it was payday today!

 

I'm not too upset about my predicament either, because like I've said, the online dating route has gone a lot better for me than any other way I've ever tried. I've now had 4 dates in two months, and that 4 more dates than I ever had before the first ex. I'm getting better at this - it requires practice, which seems to be the difficult part for other introverts to grasp. We don't get good automatically, we get good by practicing social unawkwardness! Secretly, though, I do believe I'd really appreciate someone who was as equally socially awkward as me - we'd get each other on a level no one else does!

 

Thanks a lot, Lonewing. Couldn't have said it better myself! It's mighty easy to forget all the points you've raised here (especially the importance of a good steak!

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I've been giving online dating a shot - and OkCupid seems to be a good avenue here in the states. Craigslist - stay away, it's a bunch of scammers and * * * * * * . Seriously! I posted one ad, and netted six read SIX scammer replies in two hours. The women posting are playing a differnet game - the "have fun and then never call again" game...so, that's my take on it thus far.

 

OKC isn't too bad. I've only found one possibility so far out of a field of about 4 or 5 "quiver" matches (same story, a few messages and then, radio silence), and she doesn't sound like she's my cup of espresso at all. (Am I right in thinking you're in a major city, Lonewing?)

 

As for your Craigslist experience, when you said scammers, did you mean spambots which steered you to thinly-disguised identity-theft sites, or did you mean women who promised you everything but only wanted one thing, in other words who behaved more like men?

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Now I have heard it said we need to do activities where we expand our social arrangements, but I'm not exactly seeing anything prodictive here. For instance, we could join a sporting club, but for an person like me, I don't enjoy sports, and if I was just to get a date, I'd be playing on false pretence - and in short, the relationship isn't going to last because one of us is lying about who we really are.

 

So don't join sports then, find something else. The idea is to expand your social circle.

 

Introversion is not stopping you from getting a date. You are are responsible for your own situation. I'm an introvert, and the women I've met have all been friends of friends... and I don't even have that many friends to begin with.

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  • 4 weeks later...
ok you go on about others being shallow but maybe jus take a look at what you write here, and on previous posts, it jus comes accross as 'not very nice' and hypocritical...i dont mean to be harsh but us ladies pick up on this and leave well alone. sometimes we jus need to have things pointed out to us - what goes around comes back around and all that...so speak of women in non misogynistic terms and things jus may pick up

 

 

Look, I'm going to be honest...there's nothing appealing about 299 lbs on a 5-5 frame. Nothing. And it reflects something inside that I have issues with - uncommunicated emotions. Even if the one being abused is yourself, it's still abuse. No thanks. I also won't tolerate drug abuse or alchohol abuse. True story.

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OKC isn't too bad. I've only found one possibility so far out of a field of about 4 or 5 "quiver" matches (same story, a few messages and then, radio silence), and she doesn't sound like she's my cup of espresso at all. (Am I right in thinking you're in a major city, Lonewing?)

 

As for your Craigslist experience, when you said scammers, did you mean spambots which steered you to thinly-disguised identity-theft sites, or did you mean women who promised you everything but only wanted one thing, in other words who behaved more like men?

 

I have found BOTH on craigslist! And I'm in a semi decent sized city, so there's a pool to choose from.

 

Introversion is not stopping me from getting a date - but it makes my selection pool much more exclusive - since there aren't many around me in the first place! Pick up strategy really isn't the point of this game, for me, either, so random pick ups where the only obvious attraction is visual appeal are out. Online at least provides enough information to make a semi well-informed selection, and it's only on your own time, to start with.

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I think I'm 50% introvert and 50% extrovert. LOL It really depends the environment, and who I'm with or talking to.

 

For example, I'm wicked shy when it comes to meeting new people at a club/social gather/party, but somehow I pulled it off having conversation and fun.

 

I'm very talkative when it comes to sports and cars.

 

So I guess it just really depends what you're comfortable with.

 

To find other introverts like myself, I'll probably be in the library, walking in around in the mall (bookstore? coffee shop (working on papers or reading the news or going on ENA), or trying different restaurants by myself while conversing with the waiters.

 

Hope this helps!

 

This is an interesting thread. I'm quite curious.

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