Men, emotions and sex.
Hey so how true is it that a man can have sex with no emotion. At what stage does a guy allow emotions to become involved in sex?
I dated a guy recently who said that when he gets sexually involved that things can get weird, alluding to emotions becoming involved. And yeah, to some point that did happen, but he was also dealing with a relatively recent breakup with another girl when we got involved. We didn't have sex right away, but after we did I felt he was more stressed out.
Do guys seem to feel love or scared about the prospect of love after they get involved with women? What predisposes them to become emotionally involved with a woman they have sex with?
First you have to remember what Billy Crystal said:
"For women to want sex, they have to be in the mood. For men to want sex, they have to be in the room."
Remember nature is mean and cruel. Nature designed intercourse to be VERY pleasing for men and somewhat pleasing for women. The idea is simple, men are successful 100 per cent of the time and it happens very quickly so we want to come back for more. Women are usually NOT successful and therefore are left LONGING for more. As a result both parties want more. Problem, we can't just get it any time we want.
This is where EMOTIONS enter the picture.
You women are emotional creatures and attach love and affection to the act. Men can seperate the two because we get overtaken by the desire for the next hit. Oh yes miss, it is a drug and so very addictive.
Now, if women could always do the same as men, then there would be no problem. Oh wait, SOME women can and some women can not.
This leads to the problem of male emotional commitment. If we are not sure what YOU are going to do, then we are not sure what the act itself will mean. If we are not sure how we feel about you, but know how we feel inside biologically, then we have to weigh the two feelings together. Point is, unless you are painfully clear about what the act itself means, then there is going to be confusion from the first moment.
Some men, attach meaning right away. I am one of those.
Some men, attach meaning after a few months and commit to a long-term relationship.
Some men, never attach meaning to it but still want a long-term relationship.
Some men just never attach meaning to it and are quite happy messing you women up for their entire lives.
The best thing you can do is get off the internet, make him some coffee and just ask him. You don't pressure him, but ask quite honestly "When we have sex, are you doing it because you love me, you want to love me but are not in love with me now, or because you want me?" It is possible for me to commit the act without being in love but being excited about the prospect of being in love. Yes, believe it or not, we want to be in love too. We want to know that we are your whole world. There is nothing greater than that and if we experience it once then we are hooked.
You have to ask him "Why does our love-making make you feel weird? Do you think maybe it means I am further ahead in commitment than you?"
Just talk to him, honestly, openly like an adult.
Are you in love with him?
Is that why you started to have sex with him?
I have two friends who are both looking for Mr. Right. They are VERY picky about him (hence the reason I am not dating either), but in the meantime, one has a couple of "regulars" who satisfy her physical needs weekly. The other also admits to picking up guys for the sole purpose of satisfying her needs.
What does that do to us?
Well they are both "good church girls" and that means that we men who find out about this situation are very confused. Now, we don't know what to think when we meet women and things turn physical. As a side, they both talk openly about their physical lives with me and I have asked them to stop because they have no idea the hell they are putting me through, knowing I want them, they don't want me, and they are bragging to me about what other men are getting and I will never get; torture.
I do have to give them credit for one thing that you need to do. They talk to their partners and are clear about what each partner really is to them.
You need to do that with this guy. You need to tell him what he is to YOU so he can settle his mind about what you are to him.
Not talking is the greatest way to breed confusion.
Just talk to him; for both of your sakes.
Take care, good luck and God bless you both.
I don't think it's productive to talk generally about gender distinctions when it comes to emotions and sex. It depends on the individual and the relationship between the two people. For all you know, he was more stressed out because he was afraid of the pregnancy risk, for example.
In a nut shell: “emotional availability”.
Originally Posted by pyropinup
Trouble is there are many reason why a man/person might not be emotionally available.
My understanding is that when a man has sex with a women hormones are released that make him feel emotionally attached to that one woman. I believe from a biological point of view men are not designed to “spread their seed” (with different women).
However there are many reasons why a man might unconsciously try to block emotional involvement even when there is a sexual relationship.
Women can do the same thing. I spent time with a female friend a few months ago and she had “conditioned” herself to be able to have sex with guys without getting emotionally involved.
my callous remark is a man will open up when he knows a woman won't eventually jerk him around... so never? no no that's not fair... not every guy has been through that so that's not a great answer. Honestly I don't have a good answer for that because every time I've opened up emotionally women have eventually been put off every time so for me it's never.. not now anyways.
"May your life be a reflection of what you believe, be the change you want the world to be." - Ghandi
"You can't change the past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future."
"Don't judge me by what I've done. Judge me by what I do continually."
There is a certain flavour in society that says men are more “manly” if they don’t get emotional. Men are largely to blame for this stereotype as many support it to this day. However from a biological point of view men are emotional creatures. Just as women are. There may well be a biological difference between men and women in this are but if it wasn’t for social conditioning I believe that difference would be very small.
Many men suppress emotion because that’s what they think is “normal”.
I find it pretty easy to detach myself at times.
sex doesn't = love
love doesn't = sex
However I would never do casual sex since I believe that sex should only be part of a committed relationship where you really care about the other person.
It just feels so much better when there's that tenderness.
But I think I could do sex without emotions too.
Depends on the person I guess?
Originally Posted by What'sthepoint
Originally Posted by Batya33
Originally Posted by JimmerJammer
These have brought up some interesting thinking points - I think that before we started having sex, but knew we were attracted to each other (making out, feeling each other up) that we both knew that getting sexual can make things more complicated. I was really surprised that he brought this up first and then I replied that it can for me too. Hence my hesitation to have sex the first time we almost did it. A couple of weeks later, I was ready to do it and he was too.. We didn't say though that we were thinking this was moving more towards a committed relationship...so I suppose in the end the sex moved our emotions toward "feeling more committed" before either of us were ready.
Originally Posted by The Archer
When we finally had sex, we had it four times that week (twice in less than 24 hours like at night and then morning after - I really like sex and initiated it and tried for more, but after each time he was not too cuddly or energetic to rally the troops)... THAT morning after, he mentioned he was stressed a bit about there being no Pill and that it made him nervous to have sex with just a condom.. he also said he wasn't interested in having kids (loud kids at a restaurant prompted this remark). This was also when he questioned the amount of freedom he's had since his breakup with his ex.. he thought he should date other people. I asked him if I was requesting more commitment to him than what we currently had, which was dating each other, getting to know each other, and now having sex. He said no. I guess in hindsight the sex really impacted him - he went from being cool to stressing out.
In the past I've jumped for more commitment much more quickly after having sex than when I was with him.. I wonder if I played it "too cool"? Either way, there was confusion, tension, lack of communication... now after we had a big ol' fight (our first one) a month ago, I broke NC last night to a neutral cup of coffee or lunch.
Who knows if I'll get a "redo" on this or not? I will not jump out of the gates saying I want commitment right away but I will attempt to express my feelings in a nonthreatening, constructive way where both of us would grow, if he's willing to listen... :-/
You've already move on from this, but still - I'm a guy, and sex is always emotional for me. You can't generalize about all men or all women on this basis.
Originally Posted by pyropinup
I can have sex without attachment and I'm female. Not all women find sex only mildly pleasurable. I succeed quickly, just about every time and with and without emotional attachment.
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