I must be one HUGE turn off to men!

Men not only do not take the initiative to approach me, but won't even give any eye contact to show they possibly might be interested.

Not too long ago, I did post a thread similar to this, and one member suggested it must be my body language. I do exhibit some traits similar to individuals with social phobia.

Since college has started back, I've tried changing my behavior:

--- I appear alert instead of holding my head down, or automatically grabbing my phone and looking as if Im occupied.

--- I try to sit near groups of people instead of off to myself somewhere.

--- Its still hard for me to smile at people and give prolonged eye contact to men. I also don't have much to say to people, because I don't have anything interesting to talk about. I'm a homebody, I don't have a lot of friends, and even those friends don't ask me to hang out with them.

Eventhough I appear to be more open and friendly than before, I'm still ignored, avoided, and treated the same way.

I even tried changing my clothes to something more classy and sophisticated. I wear jewelry more often. Changed my hairstyles. I still don't wear any makeup, and I don't think this is hurting my chances.

I asked a few male friends years ago if they saw a woman who was very attractive but had an unapproachable demeanor, would they still attempt to approach her or show they might be interested. And they all said yes. Even the shy guys said yes (they would only show subtle signs). I'm sure a lot of men here would also agree.

Other people consider me to be very attractive (mainly females), BUT no men approach me or show interest. So these people who claim I'm attractive must be lying and don't want to hurt my feelings, and I'm actually ugly? And its not just my face, but everything else about me, including my personality.

I've tried approaching guys, and I've been rejected over 20 times. It began to affect my confidence and self esteem, so I gave myself a break and decided to let the guys initiate interest instead. Ironically, I barely have any men show interest in me at all; I'm practically invisible. I'm not even considered "friend material". I don't walk around giving the impresson that I'm desperate or I'm looking for a relationship --- I just want to know why I'm so undesirable to males.

I'm at a total lost. Maybe I should accept I'm ugly and move on...

Wear something tight, show off your breasts and butt...you will get attention.

Wear something tight, show off your breasts and butt...you will get attention.

I don't have either one to show off. I have a small body frame and I'm skinny.

Besides, I don't want to give the wrong impression.

Maybe you should try out make-up...I think men notice you more because you look more feminine sometimes...are you sure you are not worrying unneccesarily and it's not in your head? Eclipse x

You seem perfect the way you are to me. Trust me, there are people out there looking for calm, quiet, homebodies. I'm one of them! Just wait, take your time, don't change yourself. You'll find someone who appreciates you for who you are, not who you might think you need to be.

Where are those guys who think woman can always and easily have men?

Subtle, not all women get approached all the time. In fact, there are many pretty and interesting women that have the same problem. I think maybe you should just put yourself out there as much as possible. Be friendly and social, try to have a big social circle and make a lot of friends. Most importantly, make sure that you do not come off as desperate to men, it's a huge turn off.

Maybe you should try out make-up...I think men notice you more because you look more feminine sometimes...are you sure you are not worrying unneccesarily and it's not in your head? Eclipse x

Although I have been worrying over this topic fairly recently, I'm sure its not all in my head. Just something I've been aware of...

I'm thinking about it because maybe it might explain why I've been rejected so much.

You said people consider you to be very attractive - could it be, men are intimidated, don't dare approach, think you've got a boyfriend...I'm sure I've read that can happen to pretty but quite quiet girls - if it is the case you may need to try being more forward...Eclipse x

In fact, there are many pretty and interesting women that have the same problem.

I think maybe you should just put yourself out there as much as possible. Be friendly and social, try to have a big social circle and make a lot of friends. Most importantly, make sure that you do not come off as desperate to men, it's a huge turn off.

But even if they aren't being approached, I'm sure there are males who at least notice they exist.

I have two older sisters, both who are very pretty. If they go out, whether it be a mall or a hardware store, guys will stare and look multiple times. The outgoing guys will take the initiative to say hello, introduce themselves to them, and ask for their numbers. My sisters can walk outside with no makeup on, and wearing pajamas, and men still show interest.

Me on the otherhand, I don't get the same reaction. If I'm with them, I'm overshadowed.

98% of the students in my courses are male. The guys have no problem conversing with and asking for help from the other 2- 4 girls in my classes. But me, its like I'm not even there.

Being social is a big obstacle for me, because talking and interacting with lot of people drains me out. I tried having a lot of friends freshman yr, and it backfired, and I lost almost all of them. I'm a senior now and I interact with 4 people on a regular basis.

Eclipse:

I've considered that, and I honestly don't think I'm all that intimidating looking. For a while, I thought I looked okay compared to other women, I mean I'm no Adriana Lima. I don't even know where I fit alone the 1-10 scale (which imo isn't all that accurate anyway).

Those who've stated that I was attractive were female, no males have verbally said I was attractive.

There is another attractive girl in one of my engineering courses, and guys aren't intimidated by her at all.

What impression would fitted clothing and make up give? Do only prostitutes and * * * * s look sexy? I get much more attention from men when I'm dolled up vs. no make up, sweats, and my hair tied back.

It sounds like your biggest problem is your attitude. Men AND women are most often attracted to someone who is confident, friendly, and comfortable in their own skin.

I'm not saying you should change who you are, but you need to accept that who you are is not something that appeals to the majority of men. There are men out there who will find you attractive as is.

OP -Well first off I have to give you huge bonus points for actually taking the initiative and asking men out. So you were rejected over 20 times!?

It makes me wonder what kind of men you are approaching and how you approached them. Was it obvious you were asking to spend more time with them?

A mature and socially intelligent man is not likely to say no to being asked out by a woman unless he is either unavailable or really feels strongly your not going to be good company.

When we ask a person out we atomically put all the power into their hands. Their reaction is likely to have a big impact on us. Hopefully not long term impact but in the moment we can feel hurt easily if rejected.

Ok I’ll try and put this another way. If you asked me out for a coffee or lunch etc I’d almost certainly say yes. You would have just put yourself in a vulnerable position and also implied you liked my company. I’m the kind of person that loves meeting new people. I also have confidence in my ability to handle different social situations so even if I didn’t fancy you I’d still say yes. A “date” shouldn’t generally be about initiating some sort of romantic relationship. It’s about two people getting together and getting to know each other more.

You don’t know how much you’ll like each other until you spend time together.

I think if someone turns down a person who has just asked them out they better have a darn good reason.

This is why I’m really questioning the kind of guys you’ve asked out. What kind of integrity they have etc.

By the way you write you seem intelligent and thoughtful. Those are attractive traits!

From what you’ve said your physical appearance is unlikely to be an issue.

If your not socially confident and a little shy or awkward that could be your main problem. The good news is that that stuff will get better with time and wont have nearly so much impact when you are actually inside a romantic relationship you feel comfortable with.

Give yourself time. There are plenty of people in this forum much older than you that still haven’t found what their looking for in a partner.

Your personality/confidence might not be great at pulling in every guy you walk past but so what! Only need one compatible guy right!? It takes most of a while to find that someone special.

you say you dont have things to talk to people?OP,actually first thing that comes to my mind is that ur not ugly but your boring. i cant think of any other reason that someone are invisible unless they are boring,stiff,all too serious, and cant crack/get jokes. guys will just be drawn to someone who is funny and perky.

i remember once me and another girl and some guys were talking..but she literally didnt make a sound.guess what? the guys didnt even lay their eyes on her.no guy was facing her.yeah she was invisible.

maybe one-on-one situation is easier than in a group for you.

OP -Well first off I have to give you huge bonus points for actually taking the initiative and asking men out. So you were rejected over 20 times!?

 

It makes me wonder what kind of men you are approaching and how you approached them. Was it obvious you were asking to spend more time with them?

 

Well, I tried not to make my intentions obvious. I asked one of my high school friends if he wanted to go to a movie. I was going to bring along 2 of my friends (who he knew as well). He bailed at the last minute, I cancelled plans and said maybe next time. He never agreed to a next time and has been avoiding me ever since, and won't speak unless I said hello first. We weren't that close in the first place, we were just familiar with one another because we shared classes and talked from time to time.

As far as personality, I'm attracted to nice guys. I admire intelligence, ambition, honesty, and emotional maturity. It doesn't really matter if a man is shy or outgoing. Physically, I'm attracted to men who I consider handsome (above-average looking and higher, face-wise). I don't have a height requirement nor do I request a six pack. I'm attracted to nearly every race, culture, and religion. I guess its impossible to have the personality and physical traits all in one person and then they are also equally attracted to you. I don't ask for anything that I can't offer in return.

I think if someone turns down a person who has just asked them out they better have a darn good reason.

This is why I’m really questioning the kind of guys you’ve asked out. What kind of integrity they have etc.

Nowadays, I don't get a reason, I think its because they see me as a nice person and don't want to hurt my feelings. However in the past, I've gotten these "reasons":

--- "I'm not physically attracted to you because...":

(a) I'm too skinny/I look anorexic/I'm not curvy

(b) My chest is too small

© My butt is too small

(d) I'm African American

(e) I'm way too quiet/I'm boring

(f) Cultures don't match/Religions don't match

(g) I'm more of a long-term relationship type, and they are ready to settle for something serious.

Basically, they have a certain type, and I don't match their type.

Only need one compatible guy right!? It takes most of a while to find that someone special.

I hate to sound like such a pessimist but I don't think that special someone exists (for me). I wouldn't be surprised if I have this same problem when I'm in my 30s.

I am working on my confidence, but then its small issues like these that makes working on my confidence a lot harder ](*,)

Shnoodle:

I don't understand. Can't some look dolled up w/o wearing the tight clothing? Without the makeup? I wear nice shirts/blouses, with a decent pair of jeans and a pair of flats. Tight clothing on me = I look even more skinny than I already am. Its not a good look for me, trust me. I'm just as skinny as super model Chanel Iman, except I'm a lot shorter.

In the majority of cases, tight clothing doesn't always create the good type of attention I'm looking for.

I'm slowly working on my confidence and self esteem, though.

Cursedgirl:

I definetly fit the same description as the other girl in the group. Whenever I'm in groups, what everyone else is discussing does not relate or interest me a whole lot. But when I'm alone with someone, I feel pressured to say something to avoid leading to awkward silence. Eventually there is a whole lot of silence, because I run out of things to say. I want to be less of a boring person, but its easier said than done...I need a few more hobbies (my only hobby is drawing).

Cursedgirl:

 

I definetly fit the same description as the other girl in the group. Whenever I'm in groups, what everyone else is discussing does not relate or interest me a whole lot. But when I'm alone with someone, I feel pressured to say something to avoid leading to awkward silence. Eventually there is a whole lot of silence, because I run out of things to say. I want to be less of a boring person, but its easier said than done...I need a few more hobbies (my only hobby is drawing).

everyone has things to say.maybe u just dont bother saying it cuz u think they are trivial.but that's what we talk about and we make small things interesting.there are times when ppl's discussion doesnt interest me,i just make my own topic when it's appropriate.also often there are other ppl who arent interested as well so i talk to them seperately about other things.if u have to avoid silence, ask for their interests and share ur relevant story and joke on it.dont be afraid to sound silly.maybe it;s actually cute.

Shnoodle:

 

I don't understand. Can't some look dolled up w/o wearing the tight clothing? Without the makeup? I wear nice shirts/blouses, with a decent pair of jeans and a pair of flats. Tight clothing on me = I look even more skinny than I already am. Its not a good look for me, trust me. I'm just as skinny as super model Chanel Iman, except I'm a lot shorter.

 

In the majority of cases, tight clothing doesn't always create the good type of attention I'm looking for.

 

I'm slowly working on my confidence and self esteem, though.

I just googled “Chanel Iman” and she looks gorgeous to me. If you have her build then there will be a lot of guys thinking your gorgeous too.

Often people are attracted to other people that have a similar build though. But not always. I’m sure I could lift Chanel Iman of the ground with one arm but I still think she looks attractive.

Yes I wouldn’t go for the tight clothing option if your not comfortable with that.

I’m sceptical that all this has much to do with your physical appearance.

I know “getting more hobbies” is a bit of a cliché but this could really help. One sport I used to do a lot of is rock climbing. The social atmosphere at a outdoor rock climbing crag is generally really friendly and inviting. Everyone has different abilities and I could just walk around until I found some people who seemed to be climbing at the same grade, then ask if I could join in. Rock climbing crags can be quite transient depending on where you are. Often people are from overseas and just passing through. People are often already climbing with someone they met yesterday. You would still find local people though.

The sport itself is fun and challenging! Heights are something you can completely condition yourself for. Plus the feeling of getting better and better at a sport is rewarding.

There are more men than women into rock climbing so the women into this sport tend to get noticed.

Anyway I guess I don’t know what your interests are. Perhaps rock climbing is something you would never be interested in?

But it is an example of a way to socialize amongst men with the focus being on something other then romantic relationships. In my experience this is a great situation because everyone can just forget about gender, race, appearance etc and focus on something they all enjoy. Perfect for getting to know someone.

I also do a bit of running and I got know one girlfriend by talking to her briefly at one event (as you do standing around waiting) and discovering she wanted to do another event I was planning on doing myself. I offered to give her a ride (car pooling) when the time came. So a month or so later we were in the car together and driving for a few hours to that event. Just the two of us chatting casually along the way. That was all that was needed to start a relationship with her.

The bottom line is that if every guy knew you really well there would be plenty of interest from some of those guys. Guys out there don’t know you yet. When the right guy gets to know you you’ll have trouble keeping him away!

Eclipse:

 

I've considered that, and I honestly don't think I'm all that intimidating looking. For a while, I thought I looked okay compared to other women, I mean I'm no Adriana Lima. I don't even know where I fit alone the 1-10 scale (which imo isn't all that accurate anyway).

 

Those who've stated that I was attractive were female, no males have verbally said I was attractive.

 

There is another attractive girl in one of my engineering courses, and guys aren't intimidated by her at all.

When you take off all Adriana Lima's makeup (not to mention air brushed photos), she just looks like a normal (and cute), but petite girl. Kinda like a lot of normal, (but cute) petite girls. So, maybe you should give the makeup thing a shot? My best friend doesn't wear makeup ever, but she is perfectly fine with it. She is also aware of how hot she could be if she did wear it. That's not to say that she isn't hot without it...but all makeup does is enhance your beauty.

Me on the other hand, I can't walk out of the house without makeup. I will go without makeup if it's just to run and errand, but I rarely go places like the mall without it. Most especially never to school/work. I ALWAYS have makeup on at school/work. I feel naked without it and my confidence level drops drastically. I have a hard time looking people in the eye without it on, especially if I know them and especially if they are a cute guy I like. lol

Maybe I am just really vain in that sense, but I tend to find women with makeup on really beautiful. Not saying they need it...although I certainly do!! lol just saying it enhances your beauty. You don't have to cake it on, either. But maybe just a little face makeup, some blush, some eyeliner and mascara? I'm going to give you a big makeup tip here, too. Eyeliner is a life saver! lol without it, I look dead/sleepy/tired....etc. If you wanna look really hot, don't forget the eyeliner!! lol

All this being said, though, I only have one really close male friend and I like him and he doesn't like me like that. I have other guy friends, but they tend to drop off the face of the planet after getting to know me/talking to me for awhile. It's really weird, but that's what they do.

So, it's not like it's going to automatically make you a dude magnet. It might just raise your confidence a little. I know when I know I look good, it raises my confidence.

Just a suggestion. I'm sure you are fine without it, though.

Just finished reading a little more of this...

and by the way, Chanel Iman (who I just googled out of curiosity) is not that skinny. Well, I mean, she is, but she doesn't look anorexic. If you're that skinny you'd probably look cute in tighter clothing. I can't really picture what you look like, but I've got a pretty small chest/build as well. I love it, though. I love being small.

Be happy with yourself first, because if you don't love yourself, no one else will.

Cursedgirl:

 

I definetly fit the same description as the other girl in the group. Whenever I'm in groups, what everyone else is discussing does not relate or interest me a whole lot. But when I'm alone with someone, I feel pressured to say something to avoid leading to awkward silence. Eventually there is a whole lot of silence, because I run out of things to say. I want to be less of a boring person, but its easier said than done...I need a few more hobbies (my only hobby is drawing).

This could contribute a lot to your problem. You need to be more outgoing and talkative ....I know it's easier said than done. But I believe you can do it.

Also, I understand that some people are naturally skinny and that's normal for them. But perhaps gaining a little weight can help your image and also your health. You could do it with a combination of exercise and diet. Have you ever been to a nutritionist?

I agree with worriedgirl. I honestly think it's the "no talking".

In fact, I used to have a friend like you, skinny and very quiet. She wasn't bad looking at all, she was quite cute. But no man would approach her. I moved from that city, but years later when I visited again and met her, she had changed. She was way more talkative and open. And she had a date for prom. I was surprised, but for the better.

I know you said you don't have anything interesting to say, but believe me, EVERYONE does. Stop worrying about what the other person thinks of what you're saying. Don't even care about that. Just talk as you usually talk with...your sisters for example, or someone really close to you. Or like the way you are typing here. I don't mean tell them your personal problems, but I mean, your words seem to flow in this forum. Easier said than done, I know, because it's harder face-to-face than over the internet. But it's doable. Step out of your comfort zone. Do what you THINK you can't do.

You seem to have problems talking to people. What are your hobbies and interests? Find people and clubs on campus to talk about your interests. People with the same major are great to talk to because you may have a lot in common with them. One thing I learned my first two years in college is that people with the majors connect very well.

This could contribute a lot to your problem. You need to be more outgoing and talkative ....I know it's easier said than done. But I believe you can do it.

 

Also, I understand that some people are naturally skinny and that's normal for them. But perhaps gaining a little weight can help your image and also your health. You could do it with a combination of exercise and diet. Have you ever been to a nutritionist?

I considered seeing a nutrionist, but I haven't made any effort to making an appointment with one yet. I might need a proper blood test to check if I have hyperthyroidism.

Although I wouldn't mind gaining 10 lbs, I'm a little worried that once I start I won't be able to stop. Also, I don't think its possible to distribute fat to where you want it to go

I don't really excercise either unless my mom wants to run a few miles. I don't enjoy working out alone.

I know you said you don't have anything interesting to say, but believe me, EVERYONE does. Stop worrying about what the other person thinks of what you're saying. Don't even care about that. Just talk as you usually talk with...your sisters for example, or someone really close to you. Or like the way you are typing here. I don't mean tell them your personal problems, but I mean, your words seem to flow in this forum. Easier said than done, I know, because it's harder face-to-face than over the internet. But it's doable. Step out of your comfort zone. Do what you THINK you can't do.

I understand. I have a habit of listening and not sharing any input, eventhough I'm mentally digesting what's being discussed. My thoughts are a lot clearer when I'm writing because I can spend as much time on what I am trying to say. But in person, I become nervous, especially around guys.

Ill see what I can do this week in school.

You seem to have problems talking to people. What are your hobbies and interests? Find people and clubs on campus to talk about your interests. People with the same major are great to talk to because you may have a lot in common with them. One thing I learned my first two years in college is that people with the majors connect very well.

Really nothing exciting

I'm a bit of a nerd. Although I like technology, sciences, art & design, I find a lot of the general topics not all that interesting to discuss.

I'm not really into reality shows and gossiping about celebrities. I know this may sound ridiculous, but what do men like to talk about? I know these are stereotypes, but I don't like sports (baseball, football, etc) or politics.