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  1. #1

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    How to bring up mention of sex with a shy girl whom I'm madly in love with and care about?!

    I've been dating this wonderful girl at college for over five months now (we were "friends" for the first two months or so) and as cheesy and clichéd as this will sound, I honestly think we are very in love together with each other in our own special way.

    The thing is we are both very shy people and both rather inexperienced with real long term relationships. I saw her the first week of spring semester while on campus and it was love (or infatuation, or I'd like to think a deep "liking") at first sight. I never used to believe in any of that new-aged stuff, I mean how can you know someone just based on their looks right? But it was like for her everything was different. Strange as it is, I've always been attracted to the tall slender womanly "structured" type of girls but Caroline was on the short side, petite, and just had this very cute and endearing, gingerly way about her. Prior to bumping into her I would never have imagined that I would fall so devastatingly in love with someone with her visual appearance. Don't get me wrong, she's attractive by any standards, but just not what I had preconceived to be my ideal type of woman.

    In her presence I understood the true meaning of the phrase "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".. There is just something distinctively unique about her - some ineffable quality and essence - that I find so especially attractive and alluring. Perhaps it is subjective bias, but after getting to know her she has only become more beautiful (physically and emotionally) to me.

    I'm usually a very shy guy (and still am) but I somehow knew the moment I saw her that I wanted her. It's rather difficult to define, but she truly felt like the girl of and in my dreams - and it even surprised and shocked me that I just walked up to her and started a conversation almost like we had been life-long friends. That's not something I've ever done before but with her it felt like we knew each other already. And as I expected and wished/hoped for ( and as I was ecstatic and elated to discover) she was the most amicable and kind, and emotionally generous girl I've ever had the pleasure to get acquainted with!

    We quickly became friends and unbeknownst to both of us at the time, the following weeks and months that passed by would feel like years (in a good way!) and we got to know each other (first as friends, then as more) on deeper and deeper levels.

    After a few months - even though both of us still hadn't brought up the subject - we knew implicitly that we had moved beyond friend territory.. For my part I certainty wanted it all, and to advance our relationship to the next levels.. but by not discussing this there was this vague ambiguity - and part of me enjoyed this ambiguity because it put less pressure on me - but the other part saw it as a determent to us officially becoming potentially more than just quasi- boyfriend/girlfriend..

    Although I never asked her this question straightforwardly, I believe Caroline is still a virgin and never had sex before. We both love the whole physical affection and intimacy/closeness thing (especially cuddling and spooning and all that stuff) and have been sleeping together (as in "sleep" not sex) for the past month and a half. I've never felt so happy, so alive and so loved in my entire life before and honest truth I don't want to push my luck and I care too much about her to even entertain the thought of pressuring her into something she's not yet ready for.. as hard as it is to cuddle with her every night and force myself to have the will power and self control.. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about her in that way especially when every other aspect of our friendship/relationship is going so perfectly.. but its like the pure love in our relationship helps overwhelm and overcome the graphic imagery that keeps popping up in my mind.

    I don't mean to rant on and on.. but in a nutshell it seems for whatever reason (mutual shyness? too much emphasis on friendship?) both of us have been unashamed of developing this deep rooted friendship between us, and now that we are 'officially' a couple.. I was hoping that she's bring up (either verbally as in a talk or by physical demonstration) the issue [of sex] that for whatever reason we both have pretended didn't exists and no one wants to be the first one to bring it up now..

    I'm perfectly alright with it if she doesn't want to, but being the guy (and the stereotypes that come with it, especially with us being in college) I'm hesitant to bring it up first. I don't want her to mistakenly think that that was what its about, and I don't want to unknowingly do something that would make her thing less of me. Yet as much as I've gotten to know her, this is one of those subjects we just haven't really discussed or talked about - at all! I know she is in love with me and we are very affectionate towards each other, but I can't just directly as her about this can I? In every other regard we already act the part of a couple and do all the things together that all loving couples do, except when it comes to sex..

    Do shy girls not have the same sexual appetite as the average guy? Do you think I should just be more patient and perhaps I'm letting the intoxicating effects of hormones get the better of me? How can I know (obviously without asking her straight up) for any "sure signs" that she feels the same way and wants the same thing - or not?

    Thanks in advance for any advice, opinions, or sharing of similar experiences.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator agent's Avatar
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    You guys do make out right?

    Have you asked her what her stance on sex is? Have you at the least asked her what her stance on your relationship is? Because you might be totally in the middle of pure love, but it's also possible that she just thinks you're really close friends.

    Never assume.
    By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. - Confucius

    You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too.- Anais Nin

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by agent View Post
    You guys do make out right?

    Have you asked her what her stance on sex is? Have you at the least asked her what her stance on your relationship is? Because you might be totally in the middle of pure love, but it's also possible that she just thinks you're really close friends.

    Never assume.
    Really close friends that have slept in the same bed for a month and a half? I don't think that happens, and if it does, its extremely weird.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous122 View Post
    Really close friends that have slept in the same bed for a month and a half? I don't think that happens, and if it does, its extremely weird.
    It can when the guy is so concerned with being a nice guy that he misses that she's just not interested in him that way.

    Wierder things have happened. And if they were that close, the OP wouldn't be so confused as to where things actually stand.
    By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. - Confucius

    You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too.- Anais Nin

  5. #5
    Gold Member /Jake/'s Avatar
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    6EQUJ5 I apologize if I missed this in your post but did you talk to her about mutually being boyfriend & girlfriend or was it assumed that you were?

  6. #6

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    Over the course of the last couple of months we've spent so much time together (almost at the expense of our course studies) that I'd somehow very seriously doubt she could (even if she wanted to) find the time to be involved (emotionally or otherwise) with anyone else. Even her best friend got jealous that I "stole" her away. But yes we did talk about it. (mutually and exclusively)

    I'm not that concerned about being the "nice" guy. It's not about an image to prop up or whatever. I just really genuinely care about her. And she isn't the type of girl who would be remotely attracted to the "bad boy" image so it serves me no good to pretend to be someone I'm not.

    Initially I approached her from the angle of being friends (which she quickly and more than happily reciprocated in full) with the intent of - of course- hoping it would transform into something more later down the road (which it did)

    Yes we have made out. And though I'm not very experienced myself (neither is she) I gather from her body language that she definitely likes me more than just a friend. Is she expecting me to make the first move or is she just not that interested in sex and embarrassed to talk about it? I guess only she knows the answers but I don't want to ask her directly about this just yet if I don't have to.

  7. #7
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    Look, I truly believe that if you can't talk about sex with somone, you shouldn't have sex with them.

    That said since it's obviously an awful thought for you, have you tried moving beyond making out? Are you waiting for her to take the lead? Because if you're both waiting for the other to take the next step I think you'll both be waiting for a long time.
    By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. - Confucius

    You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too.- Anais Nin

  8. #8
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    Well... you don't move from making out to sex. It's a slow progression. A gradual turning up of the heat. Baby steps...

    Have you tried touching her boobs? Taking off her shirt? You can always start with a massage...

    Just keep turning up the heat... slowly... slowly... and listen if she says 'stop'. At some point you'll both end up naked (unless she stops you before then) and at that point you can ask.

    I think it's a perfectly reasonable question to ask when you are both naked. LOL!

  9. #9
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    ^LOL, smooth...~

  10. #10
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    She may be wondering what on earth is taking you so fricken' long to get on with it. Since she is shy, we've established that, then it's up to you to get a move on.

    Out of curiosity, all this cuddling and spooning, did she not notice the inevitable physical changes that likely occured in you (I'm talking an erection here folks) and what did she make of that? Even if she is totally naive she's gotta know what sleeping together etc is going to lead to...!!!

    It seems you are trying really hard to be a nice guy, and succeeding admirably but sometimes girls don't want a nice guy...they want a man, they want a hard, passionate, controlling, physical man.

    Do what red Dress wrote, that'll work I bet.

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